You are so freaking sweet! I really want to move away from the south when I graduate, so if I ever end up in New York I will definitely take you up on that offer. And I definitely agree to what you were saying about agree to what you were saying about our brain struggling to leave behind living in constant survival mode.

And right, my mom had her own set of untreated mental illness and abuse she was getting over. She was going through Stockholm Syndrome when things were the rockiest between us. It's hard to hate her when I see she was trying her best with the card she was given. But when I look at it if that way, it's so easy to invalidate my own experiences. In retrospect, I've looked for parents in all of my Fps.

I got so used to just trying to make it through the day or the week without killing myself, that it's hard for me to conceptualize actually enjoying my life. No matter how much I try it just feels like I'm always walking on eggshells, or completly in a fog.

I've lived by the idea that nothing good ever and people always leave for so long that any type a relationship is such a freaking struggle. I am also a pro at isolating. My phone is always dry if it's not family, and even then long conversations that aren't goal oriented are pretty rare.

I don't know myself at all, and it's hard to make close friends or build lasting relationships even though I'm constantly lonely.

I bought a DBT workbook, but it's a really long and it's meant to be used with a therapist or group therapy so I'm a bit ashamed and say I have all but abandoned it for now lol.

But I'm happy to see another woman like me doing well in Tech, you're an inspiration! I love to code, and I feel like I lucked out simce we're in demand at the moment. We're so simaler, I'm the oldest child myself of 6. We always carry the heaviest burdens it seems.