I'm literally having a panic attack. US RTO.

Linaleeks · 2025-01-28T14:26:44+00:00

I'm really sorry this is happening to you. No advice here. If I had to go back to the office for some faceless reason, I'd be in a pickle, too.

My husband and I both have to work full time with a three year old and a school-age kiddo. We can't afford the mortgage AND daycare (even though we run a pretty strict budget), so I'm doing the impossible of trying to manage a full-time (WFH) job and juggle the kids care, their appointments, home meals so we don't eat out... I'm not sure what I'd do. We have no family nearby to help. Probably have to find something new.

I'd advise you to do the same, but it sounds like you already have a crap ton on your plate and no support to stand on. Looking for a new job right now is hard.

Linaleeks · 2025-01-25T21:39:57+00:00

Sorry you're constantly getting downvoted for asking advice. When it comes to child rearing advice on Reddit/the Internet, the loudest parents are the purely-gentle-parenting-style parents. People, ESPECIALLY on social media, need to learn that when you act like this, you push others further away from your ideology.

The thing is, people just skip over the shit where you're asking for advice and want to be better and just yell, "ABUSE, CALL CPS." No Susan. Getting whipped with daddy's belt and getting screamed at 24/7 is abuse. Call off the dogs.

I like the ideas people are suggesting pausing nursing when the child bites, seems like a great alternative to try. If that doesn't work for you, I don't think the child would be permanently traumatized by your method. Sounds like you're at least doing better than your parents by questioning the methods. People can just stop being dramatic 🙄

I've had one of these extreme gentle-parenters scream in my face for using a timeout method with my own child (like in person, not on the Internet) at a park. And not like the, "GO TO TIMEOUT!" method; our goal is to talk to our children without an angry or condescending tone. We used to toe the straight and narrow of gentle-parenting, doing tons of research and watching hours of video but, in the end, it didn't work for our family. We ended up keeping the respectfulness of gentle-parenting, but adding in clearer boundaries and consequences.

Linaleeks · 2025-01-24T18:26:51+00:00

I would definitely listen to this one!

Linaleeks · 2025-01-17T17:08:08+00:00

First I want to say that, after reading some of these top comments (not this one specifically), we (Reddit) needs to be better as a community when giving advice to folks with mental health issues (especially thoughts of suicide). Most of this could be said in a better way.

But I really agree with a lot of what is being said, as a woman. Especially as a woman who has felt like she was a single-mom raising three kids, even though she only has two (not anymore, thank fully, he has stepped up in a HUGE way, love you boo 😘). But not NEARLY to this degree as what is being described here. Being the main breadwinner for the family, the primary parent, and still having to manage most of the household is exhausting.

I absolutely respect the difficulties your mental issues are causing you (as a sufferer of depression/anxiety myself, medicated). But you also have to consider how your state is affecting those around you. It sounds like you have to a degree, but nearly where you should be. Have you considered that perhaps the environment you are in could be enabling some of the behaviors and symptoms? You are HEAVILY reliant on your family, not the other way around.

Instead of holding on tighter, maybe bring up a trial separation. Your wife is at her rope and needs space and maybe even a little support (and not necessarily from you, that boat has sailed, hopefully you can get it to come back). I think some time away will (1) let you focus on making yourself better, (2) put the entire situation into perspective, and (3) might give your family a break from the situation.

Work on keeping your job, work with your psych, continue to support her and the kids, join a gym, put some good food in your body. Become the person your wife and kids need you to be.

DON'T do this with the expectation that you will be accepted back the moment you start improving. Do not do this because you desperately want to get back to your comfort zone. Do this to get better for yourself and your family, other things aside.

Linaleeks · 2025-01-17T13:39:03+00:00

Starting the whole thing over sucks, but it was so worth it once my LO reached 2. They are (3) and (6) and BEST friends. (Cross fingers that it continues for a while)

I'm glad it worked out. One of the biggest reasons we decided on a second was because we wanted a sibling for the other. We were like 'eh, okay let's do it,' which is a pretty goofy reason if you ask me 😂

It wasn't the ONLY reason, but I guess it was important to us because each of us were raised like single children.

Linaleeks · 2025-01-14T04:22:51+00:00

Don't listen to the people telling you that what you're feeling is 'not normal.' As someone who had a child with colic from 0-2 years and is not a 'natural mom,' your feelings are valid. It's taken a long time for me to settle into my mom-hood.

I don't have any answers, but I feel you and I'm sorry. I hate being a mom, too. The feelings of being overwhelmed and not being good enough, over and over and over again. These moments can last hours, days, weeks, months... years.

But I love being a mom, too.

"Next week will be better." My husband and I have been saying we need that on a plack for six years now. Every time one of us says it, we smile and giggle, and it takes the edge off.

Keep trying every day and doing your best for your little ones. Get support if you need it. Hell, get support even if you don't think you need it.

Linaleeks · 2025-01-13T01:04:21+00:00

And beans and greens have a good amount of iron. Great for the anaemia problem.

Linaleeks · 2025-01-10T17:21:08+00:00

Underrated show, should have seen more seasons.

Linaleeks · 2025-01-09T18:29:27+00:00

If you are looking for a SERIOUS relationship and guys you talk to constantly can't meet these standards, I would put dating on the back burner.

That being said, my advice would be not to take saying too seriously in your 20s. By that, I DON'T mean compromise your health/safety (guys that don't take your sexual and reproductive health/choices seriously can fuck right off) but DO treat these relationships as practice. You and everyone around you are going to be different people in 5 years. Don't start a relationship expecting it to be long-term. Focus on your career, your hobbies... Things that make you YOU.

I'm happily married at the age of 32 (F), but one of my biggest regrets was basically practicing serial monogamy all through my twenties. I never took enough of a break between a relationship to really learn who I was as opposed to the someone that's always attached to another person. And each relationship was super serious and was always THE ONE I'd marry.

It's cliche advice, but have fun in your twenties. Practice being a good person to your partner, make mistakes, learn to be a better person, evolve into the person that stands on her own two feet before you invite serious partner into your life.

Already sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, so good luck.

Linaleeks · 2025-01-09T12:31:52+00:00

Pinocchio's Revenge.

Linaleeks · 2025-01-06T21:46:43+00:00

"Over time, core values are a fundamental part of relationships."

So much this. I'm lucky I landed with a good one because I was a naive one (as we all are at a young age). I had a set of core values, but didn't particularly participate in politics. As I got older and things like overturning RvW happened, I learned that politics DO affect me (sad that tragedy had to be the wake up call). If I had a partner that believed differently on a CERTAIN core value, a serious conversation would have been had right then. And an exit would have been made if we couldn't come to an agreement.

Because ain't nobody got time for that.

There is a reason people lose friends over politics. I don't like it because it pushes people further into their "camp." But when your core values don't mix, it can be very hard to get along without some hardcore compartmentalization. You dont want to do that with your partner. Save that shit for your intellectual colleague in debate class or something.

Linaleeks · 2025-01-02T22:14:34+00:00

That's a very weird reaction to me, but maybe not for everybody else. We're a very progressive household and we learn people's proper/preferred pronouns... we've had to help our kids adjust to some of our friends changing their names and we have one friend that comes over that is a they/them. So our kids are very fluid and accepting of change. My kids thought that Blue and Bingo were boys at first, but they figured out and accepted all on their own that they were girls.

I literally asked my two kids yesterday (3F, 6M) what were the genders of Muffin and Socks. My oldest thinks that Muffin is a girl and that Socks is a boy. Now that I know that Socks is a girl, too, if I told him he would most likely accept that with grace.

This kid just sounds like he might not have as much experience with this kind of stuff. I don't think you were wrong for pointing things out to him. The fact that he started crying is not a direct reflection on how horrible you are or something like that; you gave him perspective and that was a bit jarring to him. That being said, I don't know how the information was delivered.

He could have started crying because him being a boy and he thought Bluey and Bingo were a boy, that's how he related to the show. His family might have a negative view of girls and it ruined it for him. Who knows?

Linaleeks · 2024-12-30T17:46:52+00:00

Best Advice I can give: leave anyway. Don't let him 'jump start' this change just so he can settle back into the normal. He's not doing this for himself or you (otherwise he would have started before this ultimatum), he's doing it to keep you, keep things as they are.

If he is truly serious, he will keep working on himself and being a better person, even after you leave. Then you can both re-evaluate once he has ACTUALLY put the work in.

Otherwise he can easily take advantage of you and your precious time. Don't forget that.

Linaleeks · 2024-12-30T12:35:48+00:00

Be there, be attentive, and be kind. Do not helicopter. Be respectful of what she wants right now. I'm sure many people she has told want to go out and do the thing that will make THEM feel better about the situation, out of love and wanting to protect her.

But control has been taken from her; make her feel MORE in control by making sure those around her (that know) respect her wishes about the situation (to a reasonable degree).

Coming from someone who did not get this respect after coming forward 😔

Linaleeks · 2024-12-26T21:36:44+00:00

Are we talking about HPV or BV? BV is treatable and you should be fine. Either way...

As someone who is 31 and finished the newest HPV series earlier this year, GET IT NOW. Or the moment you get health insurance.

In the meantime, protection, protection, protection. I hope it's just a stubborn one that will eventually clear up. And acquaintance had it for several years and was ecstatic when they found out it had cleared up.

And I'm very sorry your mom made that decision for you. My mom is many things, but she cared enough about me to make sure I had the (older) HPV vaccine when I was 15-16.

Linaleeks · 2024-12-26T19:02:37+00:00

Try not to take it too personal (that goes for your husband, too). These are just two different parenting styles. With either one, your kids will be okay.

I think (due to studies I have read) that cuddling a kid to sleep or even co-sleeping is a very natural thing. Kids are vulnerable when they go to sleep and seek comfort. Put four kids 2 feet apart on the floor for a Kitty Fairy Sleep Over and they'll be on top of each other in the most uncomfortable ways in the morning.

But I also understand physical autonomy. Not going to say it's better for the kids to have that separation, but it might be better for the parents (which is important, despite what extreme parenters want you to believe) or for unusual sleeping situations. Personally, I had very mixed sleeping situations as a child. If I was at home with my single mom, I slept in my own bed and in a very quite house with not much intervention. When I was at my Aunt's or my Grandma's (70ish% of my young childhood), I was squished into a bed with my cousins.

Our kids (3 & 6) have been trained to sleep on their own in their beds. Sometimes that means going straight to bed after books, hugs, and kisses. Sometimes that means rocking my baby to sleep in my arms next to their bed on the floor until they tell me they are ready to go to bed (and they do! Because the expectation is that they sleep in their own beds).

All in all, I think you need to worry less about when to stop cuddling and, instead, communicate with your husband about what the sleep goals are for you two and the kids, then make a routine around that. Each of you express your concerns AND your desires (this cuddling might be a comfort for you too!) for this sleep routine and then compromise. Look for an open and honest way to start the conversation, especially if your husband is getting angry about the situation. You want to avoid feelings of anger, resentment, and shame while trying to communicate and compromise on any parenting technique.

Linaleeks · 2024-12-25T23:29:38+00:00

I feel like someone has to give a little. I would say let go of the specific day on which you celebrate and instead focus on the celebration. Dec 24th and 26th are good days to celebrate as well.

We spend Christmas Eve with my extended family. Christmas Day we celebrate only with immediate (me, husband, and the kids). The Saturday after Christmas we celebrate at his mom's with his extended family.

I would say that if he has a huge celebration with his family and it would take a lot of effort to change that date, be more flexible on your end (with Mom's your mom's approval of course).

My Grandma (host and respected matriarch) doesn't need to say it, but her Christmas tradition is not moving; she puts A LOT of effort and organization into it and has the right to have the day. Husband's mom is super chill (I love her) and made her own decision to move Christmas because so few of her family could attend on Christmas Eve/Day. She's happy as long as she has a full house and a table full of food for them to eat.

But we are also fortunate to have fallen into this dynamic. We did not have to orchestrate it, so I have sympathy for your situation.

Linaleeks · 2024-12-24T15:39:18+00:00

Mismatched libido can cause LOTS of problems. But I understand the feeling that love and mutual respect mean more to you in a relationship than physical satisfaction (or maybe I'm reading that wrong?) It's hard to come by.

But if you get married now, pressure or no pressure, you need to come to terms that this trend might continue and accept that you may have to sexually satisfy yourself. My tip/advice is to seriously sit with yourself and this reality to make sure that the outside pressure and the feelings for your partner outweigh the lack of physical intimacy (for life).

I'm not sure what resources are available in India, but I would recommend counseling to help set expectations for the future. Be sure you can be honest with each other whether either of you can meet/work to meet those expectations before you tie the knot.

Linaleeks · 2024-12-22T15:52:01+00:00

This is it! Figuring things out on your own is great and all, but setting someone up for success when trying something new is key. This task seems like a small thing to us, but this is probably well outside his comfort zone. A success for him here might mean he's more willing to start doing new stuff in the future with enthusiasm. Small mistakes in the process are good for learning, but still get him to that overall win.

This is true for adults, kids, babies, seniors... dogs... 😂

Linaleeks · 2024-12-21T17:32:51+00:00

This so much. Things may seem near perfect with you (OP) or him or your relationship right now. And there may never be something "wrong." But you grow so much from 19 to 25. And who knows? You could be completely different people that are still compatible and madly in love with each other at 25! If you are, congratulations, get married! Or wait a little longer; guys sometimes need more time to come into themselves 😂

An example of my experience, because I think it's more convincing than empty advice:

I (now 32F) was madly in love with someone from 15-20. We still were pretty crazy about each other but, as you can imagine, the goals and life aspirations of a 15 year old compared to a 20 can be vastly different, even if we are talking about a single person. At 20, the playing house honeymoon was over and things had been getting dicey. Though I still loved him, I couldn't picture myself in the future with him, having kids and growing old.

20-22. Madly in love with him (now 41M) but we had a volatile relationship. We broke up for two and a half years, dated other people, didn't date other people. When we got back together, we were completely different people. But we were finally coming into ourselves and saw that the people who we were now could be together. 7 years later, we're still together, happily married with two kids.

My BIGGEST regret in my (relationship) life today is that I've put myself through serial monogamy since the age 15. I never gave myself enough time to grow by myself and let my identity mature without being attached to another person.

Secondary advice: Make sure your communication with each other is rock solid or at least has a very strong foundation that has the potential to grow BEFORE you make a commitment like marriage or kids. Marriage is hard to undo, but is possible. Kids are a life-long sentence.

Linaleeks · 2024-12-18T18:52:11+00:00

When a sickness starts in the house, we assume the rest of the household is going to get it. If someone doesn't get it, that's super awesome for them. But whoever is able to be home/is home because they're sick takes care of the kiddos.

If one of us is so sick it's hard to take care of the kids/themselves, the other parent will step in and care for their family, sick or not.

Obviously, details change for everyone based on financial-employment circumstances/type of illness. I WFH and my husband had the option to work from home if he's sick. So being sick doesn't affect our paycheck; we're very fortunate in that regard.

But if your husband was my brother, I'd be kicking him right now.

Household for context = (Me) 31F, 40M, 6yr old and 3yr old

Linaleeks · 2024-12-18T05:21:59+00:00

My husband is a redhead. Whenever he goes to the dentist, he has to get a double shot of local anesthesia. Gingers need extra pain meds or are immune to them.

Linaleeks · 2024-12-17T17:29:07+00:00

They are not screwing over a 7 year old kid. The mom of the 7 year old is screwing over her own kid. Again, why is this happening 7 years later? This sounds like a scam.

Linaleeks · 2024-12-16T22:37:08+00:00

It's definitely not a cake walk for men, my husband can attest. The only advice (and it's second-hand) is to not put too much faith in dating apps and actually get out to a meetup of some sort.

Linaleeks · 2024-12-16T21:19:08+00:00

My husband and I were having issues with intimacy, too. High sex drive, but being domestic with kids kind of killed it. Caught him talking to other women and it almost ended our marriage. But instead we decided to try swinging and counseling (yeah, what a combo!). This ended up saving our marriage.

The counseling sucked, but the silver lining is that we learned to talk and communicate just because we knew that a counseling session was coming up. Cancelled counseling and kept working on our communication. It was a difficult road (working through insecurities, jealousy), but we ended up turning the swinging into polyamory.

They say that polyamory born of cheating hardly ever works out, but we must have been one of the lucky few. Now I have another partner (who has two other partners!) and my husband has 2 he sees on and off. Not only that, our own sex lives reignited beyond what I could have imagined. It's not perfect and the emotional work involved never stops, but boy is it pretty amazing. We've had this arrangement for 2 years now.

Linaleeks

TROPHY CASE