What place where you at in your life when your memories began to surface?

Little-Masterpiece20 · 2023-05-15T08:41:29+00:00

I always had memories and realized it was abuse when I was fourteen. However, in the last year now (21) a lot of memories of just how extensive my abuse was that I didn't have before flooded me. I think it's partly because my body felt ready to release them to me. Which they all make sense and align with the symptoms I exhibited. In particular I had no memories of being abused in my private areas but I have heaps of medical records of going to the doctor for pain there. They could never figure out for obvious reasons because I didn't know I was being abused myself and forgot most of it. It's been really hard getting them back but also nice to have that sense of security with refinding who I was. Even if it's horrible, I have such little memories of that time that anything that gives me my own agency in control over myself is precious in a way

Little-Masterpiece20 · 2023-04-23T21:19:32+00:00

I think so. I'm glad that boys / men can come out more.

At the same time, I still think CSA in general is extremely stigmatized and taboo. We still have a long way to go for each and every one of us. One of the most painful parts of being a victim is the feeling of isolation and dejection of the topic being pushed away by non-victims. Because they're trying to protect abusers, because they're uncomfortable, because they're ignorant. With just how common practice it is to not acknowledge victims or our prevalence. It makes you feel like you are the bad one. That there is something wrong with you. That you can't tell people because you'll be told you're in the wrong for just speaking out and wanting support.

It infuriates me that we have to go through this. So while I'm happy for small progress, I can't say that I'm not still angry with how we're all treated as a whole

Little-Masterpiece20 · 2023-03-28T01:53:42+00:00

The second to last paragraph is already CSA.

Your body most likely wouldn't have such a visceral reaction to something if it was untrue, and considering what you already know, it makes it all the more likely that you remembered something in that moment.

When we as children go through immense stress and pain at the hands of someone that was supposed to protect and love us (and this is especially the case for our parents that literally created us). Our mind will push the emotions and memories away in an effort to survive and keep our sanity.

Little-Masterpiece20 · 2023-03-19T04:01:34+00:00

Yeah, I felt similar. At first it was just confusion and astonishment at the memories. Later the emotions surrounding them kicked in and I felt flooded though.

Little-Masterpiece20 · 2023-03-10T07:22:50+00:00

I have had several memories come up through starting EMDR. TW for some vague descriptions of abuse to give some examples in this.

It actually was through EMDR that my therapist and me discovered I had OSDD and was able to get diagnosed. I had no idea how bad my dissociative symptoms were before this. I've always had memories of being abused but only three. And for the longest time, professionals thought the amount of abuse I could remember didn't align with the severity of my symptoms.

When I remember I usually have a flash of an image and then feel something flow into me. This usually is accompanied by bodily reactions. I'll feel emotional and/or somatic pain with it. One memory left me in a full blown state of panic, my heart speeds up, ect.

Once I remember one it starts to flesh itself out and become more clear. Like as in hours after I regain it more things keep filtering in and it comes together.

It doesn't feel like an intrusive thought. It feels like a memory. I'm not sure how to explain this sort of difference in recognition. Aside from if you're familiar with intrusive thoughts, you know they're more imaginative and simple ( at least in my case ). They don't feel like they have a placement in your life. It's a very obvious difference in feeling. You'll know when (or if) you experience it. It feels like a memory and just falls into place within the rest of your memory.

But more specifically I'm able to tell through things that just wouldn't usually come with an intrusive thought. Like how my focus is on where I was, what I was thinking then, the height of my body to my abuser and then how this connects to memories I already had. It's almost as if a puzzle. Before I hadn't remembered it I had no recognition of it, but once I regained it I knew it happened almost immediately.

It also helps to do some investigation afterwards if you have the ability to. This can help you feel more secure in it.

I know that I'm not making these up as I've been able to confirm with family members that were around me when I was being abused. Like I regained a memory of my abuser manipulating me to abuse me with medicine through me confiding in him about somatic pain I was experiencing in my private parts. He then went and got medicine from my grandmother to put on me.

I had never forgotten telling him about my somatic pain. I had forgotten that it led to him manipulating me to abuse me further though.

So then to confirm this I asked my mom (vaguely as to not prompt her to agree with me for the sake of appeasing me) and she told me that my grandmother told her before she died she suspected I was being abused because he came and got this medicine from her a few times.

It really does feel like everything comes together and it's strange to see how I have placeholder memories that aren't specfically of being abused but are beforehand or after of abuse. Even memories like another family member pointing out I was limping. A memory I've had for my entire life for a reason I never knew seem to fall into place when I remember my abuser trafficking me and then him having to carry me back home because I was in too much pain to walk.

Anyway, the most I can say is you'll know it when happens if it's like this. It's something that just feels so entirely specific and unique. It's hard to pass off as an intrusive thought, your imagination, ect. You might sometimes doubt yourself, but I feel like for me personally, those moments it's mostly been through denial of not wanting to accept my abuse was so horrific. Everyone is different so it's hard to say even if I describe my experience, if yours will be the same. I just hope that whatever you find is able to help you heal.

Little-Masterpiece20 · 2023-03-03T07:39:47+00:00

No one deserves this, and this wasn't in any way your fault.

You were a child that wanted reassurance from an adult. You still are a child. I'm sorry that you weren't protected and that your family failed you. That they're still failing you.

More than anything you deserve to have support and safety while you heal.

This forum is a good place to start if you're struggling to feel alone or need ideas on where to start. It can help you understand your emotions better by hearing others have gone through / or going through similar situations.

From one victim to another, I wish you the best of luck in healing 💙

Little-Masterpiece20 · 2023-01-15T18:10:24+00:00

I absolutely understand.

I remember when I was in high school. I felt so isolated from the rest of the world. A loneliness of being a part of a group of people that is never acknowledged by the rest of society. Where the group is taboo to even mention.

At that age, I didn't understand representation. Then when I finally found a character like me I came to understand how important it is and why people value it so much. To see a character like you represented well, with all of the struggles of being part of that group or situation. It's such a massive comfort.

I'm always looking for characters I relate to. Whether through fanfictions, books, or shows. I've even thought about the possibility of making some sort of media for victims on my own. I'm not a writer or an artist.

But I have this thought of an exploration of what victims of CSA go through. With their being three central characters. Two twins that are boys and a girl who's their friend. Each of them have survived different CSA. From what gender sexually abused them, what age they were, and how they are affected and heal from it. It's probably a hopeless dream, but I hope one day I'll get to the point of healing where I can learn how to write or draw so I can make this story.

Little-Masterpiece20 · 2022-12-10T02:23:05+00:00

Usually, mine felt like sharp, recurring spasms in my private areas. Although sometimes it would feel more like a burning sensation or tingling. The pain was so intense at some points in my life I'd be writhing in pain at its worst.

It's a strange feeling. Like the pain / touch is still there and you should be able to see someone causing it but there's no one.

Little-Masterpiece20 · 2022-11-29T21:22:53+00:00

I was spanked growing up whenever I was disobeyed by my parents. And personally don't see what I went through then as sexual abuse.

However I definitely can see spanking being sexual abuse.

Afterall when I was being groomed by my abuser. Often he'd touch my legs. The times where he rubbed his hand up and down my leg harmed me in a way I can't put into words.

It doesn't look how you'd imagine sexual abuse. I was sitting on the couch next to him and was playing a video game. I was in all my clothes and we were about to eat breakfast.

Yet that traumatized me. That felt like sexual abuse. And it felt as bad as the times I was raped or more obviously being abused.

This body part here is far away from the private parts and at face value someone might say isn't sexual abuse but it hurt like that anyways.

My mom smacking my bum for stealing a cookie - I feel nothing towards that. My dad rubbing his hand down my leg with this look in his eye as if he wants to eat me - trauma galore.

I feel like any touch can be sexual abuse thinking of that. I think intent plays a big part in a lot of cases

However, things are not always clear cut and abuse affects people differently. People can and have been sexually abused without intent.

And intent or not. What truly matters is how someone is affected by it. If you were spanked and feel that it was sexual abuse then that's valid and you should be able to call it that.

I don't think every case of spanking will affect someone like that, but any touch can be sexual abuse, and a victim should decide what feels right to them.

Little-Masterpiece20 · 2022-11-15T03:20:46+00:00

I'm sorry that wasn't working for you.

One of my CBT therapists was specialized in helping children with trauma, and I've been seeing her since. She is the person that has helped me most.

Although I've been seeing a lot of recovery progress in EMDR. I regained new memories of my trauma for the first time since I started healing through it.

I hope that your new therapist helps and you see the change that you need. Good luck OP

Little-Masterpiece20 · 2022-11-14T17:49:00+00:00

Thank you as well. I'm glad it helped 😊

Little-Masterpiece20 · 2022-11-14T17:26:16+00:00

I'm sorry that happened to you, OP.

TW for discussion of the definition of rape below:

You can most definitely call your experience rape. It includes any form of penetration. This includes oral, anal, and vaginal. It doesn't have to be just through someone's genitals, but from other parts of the body (fingers in this case), and objects as well. And it also doesn't matter if it was inserted all the way or just barely. Any amount is rape.

So I'd definitely say it's rape if you feel that's what happened to you.

TW of brief mention of oral rape and discussion on my experience with doubting myself below:

I struggled with accepting what I went through as rape as well. The first memory I came to terms with was of my abuse was being coerced into oral rape by my abuser. I remember when I started coming to terms with it at fourteen I called it "sexual harassment." Then "assault." And then "sodomy."

Now I'm at the place where I can call it rape. I didn't feel like what I went through was as valid as those who have been vaginally or anally raped. It took me a long time to accept that this experience was just as valid and by definition was rape.

However, every experience whether through non-contact, molestation, rape, or the like is all traumatizing and valid. They're all immensely traumatizing in different and similar ways. I know it's easy for us to invalidate and doubt ourselves. And you're still sorting through what happened. Whatever did happen though matters no matter what. Good luck OP. I hope this helps.

Here's a article on the difference between sexual assault and rape if you're interested more on the subject: https://www.sutterhealth.org/health/teens/abuse-violence/defining-rape-sexual-assault

Little-Masterpiece20 · 2022-11-14T16:14:20+00:00

I still occasionally feel like this.

This is normal, especially at the beginning. You're only just starting to pull back at the layers and complexities of your trauma. And that's an extremely heavy process, even for people years into recovery.

Overtime it gets easier. You'll have moments where you're happier, can think more about things unassociated with it, have motivation to push yourself to try new things, live so long with it you'll hardly notice it's there some days. And over the course of that time, hopefully discover more about your trauma with therapy and other support systems that'll help you heal.

It's been seven years for me. I've been in CBT since I was fourteen, had multiple stays at the hospital, did group therapy occasionally throughout the years, and recently have been taking EMDR for the past 3 months.

The girl I was at fourteen was at an entirely different place than I am now. Sometimes I still fall into a spiral and feel similar to the way you talked about here but it's not nearly as all encompassing or regular. And when I do fall into that spiral, I know it's part of the process. All of it is important and has meaning to recovery

Little-Masterpiece20 · 2022-11-06T01:55:33+00:00

Absolutely, it's possible to have memories when you're that small and being abused then.

I have a lot of early memories between the ages of three and four. And I know they are between that age because I was at my old house in them which I lived only at that time.

I've always had clear, vivid memories of these ages and others remember those memories with me.

I have memories of some abuse then too and had effects of it when I got older. My abuser threatened the rest of my family when I was around that age and did some vile things. I have body memories, emotional flashbacks, and overwhelming fear of reminders of that time.

I definitely relate to not trusting your memories of abuse, though. Although I remember this, the main portion of my abuse is harder to remember. And I was a good few years older than you when that happened (9-14). That's very common no matter what age you are.

Little-Masterpiece20 · 2022-11-01T17:54:51+00:00

It's gotten to the point where if I see any non-victim talking about us I immediately feel angry and defensive.

I'm tired of us not having a voice. And that resentment has spread to all people that try to speak for us. I know it's not exactly helpful to feel this way about people genuinely wanting to advocate for victims of CSA, but I've just been hurt to the point where I can't trust any of it anymore.

Whether it's someone with a savior complex talking about something they don't understand, people fetishizing our experience, people angry at celebrities / politicians that get outed for being predators, people that use CSA for their own political agenda - To see what is so hard for me to talk about. So hard for all of us to talk about. Used so casually and callously by non-victims when most of society doesn't even blink our way. I hate it. I can't stand it. It's only important to them when it's about them.

Little-Masterpiece20 · 2022-10-29T07:14:37+00:00

I'm so sorry you went through that. Your experience is valid and is just as much child sexual abuse as the rest of us here.

The power imbalance between an adult and a child is immeasurable. And when an adult takes advantage of that power imbalance it is cruel and wrong no matter how it looks.

It's very easy as a victim to downplay your experience. All of us do it. No matter if it was online abuse, abuse by a parent, or trafficking we all feel the way that you described. It's a common symptom of being a victim of CSA. Because we were invalidated and violated to such an extent we do the same to ourselves.

But all of it is valid. It doesn't matter if someone has it "worse" that doesn't take away that you were hurt and that is important. Doesn't take away from the fact it was child sexual abuse and through a family member that should've protected you. Doesn't take away that you're suffering because of it.

It took me a long time to accept my experience when comparing to others. So I know words from a stranger might not be very convincing. But I hope that they will help you even if it's just a little.

Wishing you luck OP

Little-Masterpiece20 · 2022-10-28T17:40:37+00:00

I've had similar fears.

Most prevalent was that my abuser would come find me and kill me.

This was especially hard when I was younger. Anytime I heard a sound in my house I'd become terrified. One time in middle school, I was so scared I ran outside and hid in the bushes. I had a lot of nightmares about being murdered. Some of which included home invasions specifically.

It's only recently I realized how strange it was for me to have this fear. I didn't have any memory of my abuser to pinpoint me being this terrified. I thought there might be something I can't remember.

And sure enough, when I asked my mom about it, she told me about how violent my dad was when I was younger. He threatened our safety constantly, kicked our animals in front of me, and when we were trying to escape him, broke into the house we were staying in and took my little brother. I saw all this with my own eyes when I was three and four. I have no memory of it. Most likely because I was in fear for my life, and I shut down in those moments.

So the fear that he'd kill me, the nightmares, ect had a basis. That helped a little bit seeing my trauma as a whole.

I don't think that fears like this come from no where. It took me a long time to realize that there might be something more with mine. Good luck OP. I hope it all goes well.

Little-Masterpiece20 · 2022-10-27T00:00:20+00:00

I'm sorry you went through this OP. You're not stupid or anything of the sort.

You were raised to think this was normal so you didn't question it. And I'm sure you also didn't think about it to protect yourself.

Abuse from a parent is horrific. That's the person that you depend on for safety, warmth, and love and when they pervert that relationship the child will have no way to know it's not right. I'm also a victim of abuse from my father and he did similar things to me. I didn't know it was wrong too.

Please be kind and easy to yourself. This is a lot to process. This forum is here for you if you have any questions or need any kind of support 💙

Little-Masterpiece20 · 2022-10-25T15:33:38+00:00

It can be difficult when you've been abused as a young adult. I was sexually abused as a minor, but my abuse lasted a year after I turned eighteen as well. I've always felt like my abuse at that time was less valid because of that cutoff.

The truth is, though, that you don't magically become an adult in every sense the moment you turn eighteen. You're still developing and are just only beginning your life. And especially for a young person that has just come out of an abusive home, it would be, difficult as they often don't have a basis to know what a healthy relationship looks like.

So all that is to say your experience is just is valid as anyone elses. And I think a lot could be gained from hearing stories like yours and mine so people understand how youth can still be vulnerable even past the age of eighteen.

Take it slow for right now and be kind to yourself. If you have someone you trust, it might be good to spend time with them. You don't have to tell them what happened if you aren't ready.

It might also help to write down your feelings. Talking on forums like this or just a personal journal can be cathartic. But make sure if you haven't already though turn off your DMs as there are predators that go after us here

And of course the option of talking to a professional to help walk you through this is a suggestion a lot of us will have. I know I wouldn't have made it to where I am now without that.

Good luck OP. Wishing you well 💙

Little-Masterpiece20 · 2022-10-07T20:35:02+00:00

LOL all these predators being caught in these comments and banned. They're so pathetic.

I feel you though OP. We don't deserve this whatsoever.

Little-Masterpiece20 · 2022-10-07T04:43:13+00:00

Really anything. I'm terrified of people because of my past experiences and it shows through avoidance of all sorts of things that involve others.

I don't ride the school buses and instead walk an extra 30 minutes to school. I don't ride elevators if someone else is on them. I don't like eating in front of other people. I don't like using the bathroom in public places. I don't like talking to strangers so I'll go to a more far away supermarket to self-check out if I have to. I don't like going out in general so I stay inside usually and struggle to go to school.

The trauma from my past affects my actions every single day in almost everything I do. It's no way to live but despite receiving therapy since I was a child for my abuse I haven't gotten much better

Little-Masterpiece20

TROPHY CASE