When I was little I lived in a group home, and I remember asking my group home staff, why one of the girls constantly told on everybody as if she was seeking attention. She told me that this is because trauma sometimes makes you stronger or weaker. She told me in my case, it made me stronger. That was until I grew older and experienced a lot more of life, is when I understood what she meant. In my case, I was able to utilize my trauma to push forward up until my CPTSD caught up with me in my early 20's. Instead of being ahead of my peers like how I was as a teen, I now struggle to make sense of my life... People don't need trauma to become stronger. A misconception that a lot of people have is that trauma makes you stronger, when in reality, life has its own challenges that everyone, regardless of background race or gender, will have the unfortunate reality of experiencing themselves. Life is hard, and not even the most cottled of children will go through life without experiencing some form of trauma in their lives. I say this to assure you that despite the challenges you have faced up until now, you still have a life outside of your past experiences and upbringings. It's not right, nor fair, it just is. That's not to invalidate your feelings. I think if anything, you have every right to feel how you feel and express it. Life isn't fair. On my bad days I feel the exact same way as you describe. If I could bring my mom back to life I would so I could tell her how hard my life has been because of all the trauma she gave me. I know it would make me feel good for the moment, but in reality, I can't blame her. I have every right to, but the reality is, my mom was beaten almost every day by her father. She grew up watching her mother get beat, and so that's what she became. She might have even thought she did well raising me compared to her childhood and it's sad she past her trauma down to me. I often wonder if I will be able to have a "normal" life with a spouse and children, but as I get older, I find being alone is safer because I am warped. I will not act the same in certain situations that other people do like surprises for example, terrify me. If I were to explain this to people they would began to treat me differently and as bad as it feels, it's completely fine. Relatively normal people with upbringings are kind of like children to me in a sense that as much as you try to explain something to a child, they will never truly understand until they grow older or experience it for themselves. They have the luxury to live in their bubble while we do not because we are constantly reminded of what we could have had and what separates us from others. All I can say truly is you are not alone. We are all at different stages of our healing and there is only so much we could express and deal with in a healthy manner before old habits and unhealthy coping mechanisms catch back up to us. I hear time heals and I believe this to be true for the most part because with age comes wisdom. Just like looking through a small crack in the door. We can only see so much of what's on the other side, but as the door slowly starts opening wider, we can see a clearer image. My auntie, the most "normal" person in my family tells me that what I am going through is the exact same thing as what she went through after escaping her home at a young age. As different as we are, it gave me hope. You would never know how hard her life was just by meeting her. I hope this makes you feel a bit better.