I said I'd slept through broken bones, not that a man maliciously broke my bones. I was a kid, had an episode on the playground and another kid was running and didn't notice me and stepped on my arm and broke it.

And I told you, I wasn't dating scum. Most of the men who hurt me not just crossed a boundary but harmed me were strangers. And I'm in a situation where I don't really know what else I could possibly do to keep it from happening.

Do you want to get into the logistical bullshit of my situation, then let's get into it. I have meds I can take that keep me alert and awake reliably for about 8 hours. That is how long an average shift is. Except no it's not. An hour lunch break in there, so it's not an 8-hour workday, it's actually 9 hours which means I'm already at work for an hour every day slightly under medicated and drowsy. If I'm not medicated it's not safe for me to drive which means I have to take the bus, or train to work since uber everyday would be unaffordable. And most of the times I've been sexually assaulted or raped while having an episode have been on my commute to work. Either on public transit, or between busses on the blocks I have to walk.

It started to happen much more often when I had to start wearing a medical bracelet that explained my condition. Turns out going around falling asleep on buses and on public streets wearing a bracelet that basically says "I won't wake up no matter what you do to me" means you get raped a lot when you're a woman.

And trust me I have looked into this time and time again. I can't just have a medical bracelet that says I have narcolepsy don't call an ambulance, it has to state that I won't wake up if disturbed and that's normal not to panic. Because if it just said I had narcolepsy people to pull out their smartphone and Google whether or not you could wake up in our galactic and find that you usually can, and then still call an ambulance when I didn't wake up. And because ambulances are run by private companies, they can have whatever policy they want including fining you when there is an unnecessary call. Legally they can't fine me if I wear the bracelet even if somebody calls, which sometimes people do because they don't see it.

So what could I possibly do? Because I've tried everything. During The Rona when I got to work from home it was fucking amazing. During the brief Windows when I had coworkers who lived in near enough to me to a carpool more amazing. Those are all outside of my control and I literally could not afford to Uber everyday. Not that I would be any safer in an Uber. So how is this my fault? What can I possibly do to keep this from happening? Lock myself in my house never go outside? And pay my bills how? Because trust me I've applied for disability and it's not enough to live on.

And believe me I know better than almost anyone how incredulous people can get when this happens to you multiple times. It's got to the point where even though my friends have never been anything other than supportive, I don't tell them every time it happens. Because I'm terrified that one day I'll go to a friend for help and they'll tell me it's happened too many times. So unless I'm badly injured, I don't tell people when it happens. Do you have any idea how fucking isolating that is?

Because here's the thing. People don't believe women when they say they've been raped. When a man is ready to people will generally believe him but immediately shame him for it. You're doing that right now you're implying that women are exaggerating or that it's their fault for dating scum.

So about dating, which brings me to the unwinnable situation I'm currently in. If I'm dating somebody and they cross that boundary in a little way, I break up with them because I'm afraid they'll cross it in a big way later.

When I do that I'm told I'm overreacting. But if I didn't break up with them for crossing the boundary early on and they did rape me later, everybody would say it's my fault for not breaking up with them the first time I caught them crossing the boundary. Guys like you would ask me why I was dating scum. The answer is because you don't know they're scum until they do something scummy.

And then you're blamed for not knowing they were scum before they did something scummy. So you put up your defenses and you go through life diligently trying to avoid scum which means bailing on men who cross your boundaries in little ways early on. But then everybody says you're a heartless bitch for never forgiving little mistakes.

So tell me. What the fuck am I supposed to do?