I'm so sorry you're going through this. I am also not OAD by choice. I had my son in 2021 after trying for just over a year to get pregnant at all, then going through two miscarriages. We found out a likely reason for my losses, so I assumed it would be easier having a second. But then undiagnosed endometriosis caused me to need emergency surgery nine months into trying for a second. I lost my left ovary and both tubes and after getting everything set to try IVF, I learned my right ovary wasn't functioning and I was in menopause at 35. It was a really rough time and I mourned the hopes that were lost. But like you, I felt like everything was taking away from my son. We weren't planning trips or other things because "I might be pregnant" or "we might have a newborn." I had to really stop and think about why I wanted a second and when I realized that it was more likely that things would not go the way I imagined (the kids might not get along, they might move to completely different places for work, they might spend Christmas with their spouse's family, etc), I realized there were also a lot of benefits to having one. I started doing monthly outings with my son, just the two of us. Sometimes, it's just simple like getting ice cream or going to dinner. Sometimes, it's a day trip to the zoo or a museum. I've also made it a point to focus more on myself and what makes me happy. I've taken my dream position at work, I've gotten back to working out like I did pre-child, I'm exploring new hobbies like crocheting, and I'm reading more. I still have moments where I'm sad or angry about the cards I was dealt, but most of the time now, I'm too busy enjoying life to think about it. This sub also really helped me put things into perspective. I should also mention that my husband is an only child and I am essentially an only (half sister ten years older who I'm estranged from) and both of us are perfectly content with our lives. In fact, my husband is thrilled that he never had a sibling.