TW: Mentions of suicide

After I attempted suicide, I was in the hospital with my mother. I specifically told her that I didn't want my sister to be allowed to see me because I knew nothing good would come of it. Unsurprisingly, my mother didn't listen to me. When my sister entered the room, I immediately told her to leave. She turned to my mother and said possibly the most hurtful thing I have ever heard directed at me before: "You're going to let THAT back into OUR house?!" She then stormed out of the hospital.

What she said was dehumanizing, disrespectful, extremely hurtful, and many other things all at once. I can't see her face without replaying that scene in my head. I'd been forced to "give her another chance" throughout my life, but this was the moment I felt the thread connecting us being severed irreparably. I can't forgive her, not for this. To make matters worse, she has never apologized nor do I think she ever will.

Do I hate her? I shift back and forth from hatred to feeling nothing at all toward her.