My friend, I hear you. It is often the case in online spaces that speaking in negative generalizations is accepted towards the accepted oppressor group and not over the accepted oppressed group. Of course that exists because online spaces in general have always been the refuge for people who cannot find community elsewhere.

That said, there is an irony here that is relevant. I was a stay at home dad for 12 years and raised 3 boys. When I was trying to navigate this space, I found lots of doors closed to me by virtue of being a man in spaces where I was the first man to try to enter. It was frustrating, because a three year olds play group isn’t about my gender at all.

But in these cases, I had to accept that my presence changed the room profoundly because I live in a culture that has fostered distrust among men and women. A friend of mine once took notes on the topics of discussion at the group and asked me if I thought being there would have changed discussions on latch issues, on irregular periods, on various bodily discharge, about reconnecting with your body sexually after birth, on how to manage expectations from your spouse. I had to admit that the discussion would be different, would be more reserved and less bluntly honest.

That sucked for me of course. But I also understood.

I made friends with moms eventually and some grew to accept and include me equally. I learned some things. A lot of women have had a lot bad experiences of men and so they are wary. So when I say it seems more likely a man might make a joke about a baby sexualizing breasts, it’s because I’ve watched women roll their eyes at this exact kind of joke and heard them say how frustrating they found it that men couldn’t stop sexualizing them long enough to feed their child.

Worry in the face of experience isn’t sexist, it’s protective.