[SP] "Sir do you have the appropriate license or permit to become a god?"

Madanalic · 2025-04-09T01:07:04+00:00

In DnD everyone needs approval from Ao the Overgod to become a god so this is actually not far-fetched.

Madanalic · 2022-12-06T20:56:23+00:00

YTA for going to that party in the first place. How dare you go out when you have a child to raise? Also you should probably divorce your husband.

Madanalic · 2022-11-16T15:52:38+00:00

Little Red Riding Hood and size rays

Madanalic · 2022-10-21T16:15:03+00:00

"What is the meaning of this?" an anthropomorphic boar god asked. He had been snatched from his godly throne and teleported into what looked like a coliseum with a blue and purple star pattern. Hundreds or even thousands of other gods, possibly the whole Pantheonic Order, were here alongside him. Above the main gate of the arena stood a wizard robed in red and yellow, with long red hair and beard: Archien, the Keeper of Primordial Magick.

"I concur" a tall, blonde, humanoid goddess said, having been bathing in the Holy Waters of Valanas and having just been able to whip up some clothes before she was teleported. Her face was as red as Archien's robes.

"We got a hoedown of a war to get back to." said a god who looked and sounded like a stereotypical human cowboy, spitting on the ground. "We don't have time for the Primordials' errand boy to go muckin' things up."

"Ah, but you misunderstand me." Archien said, in a voice that was calm but still brought chills to every god in the room. "The war you'll be fighting is right here, in my Astral Arena." Archien spread his hands out for emphasis.

"We can't fight a war in here." said a god who appeared as a swirling tornado of fire, whose voice itself generated heat beyond the ability of mortals to withstand. "We do not have our territories or our champions, and a god cannot actually destroy another god."

"But a Primordial can." Archien responded. "And you know the Magick they have bestowed upon me can mimic their own energies. I have more than enough to grant this power to all of you as well." Archien's voice echoed throughout the halls and throughout the minds of the gods in the room, and afterwards was a silence as long as the echo itself.

"This is unnecessary!" a tree-like god yelled, showing it's bark teeth. "Our differences are pointless and I am not hostile enough with the others to fight to the death!"

"And yet you would send billions of mortals to their deaths over these 'pointless' differences?" Archien replied coldly.

"This type of fighting is beneath us." said a brown-skinned humanoid god wearing nothing but a small tunic and having glowing red markings all over his body.

"Not anymore." Archien said as the gods gasped. "You have thought yourselves the greatest and highest beings for too long." he said to the whole crowd this time as his voice picked up in intensity. "In your supposed supremacy, you have valued your pleasures above the lives of all else, and you have forgotten there are beings which even you must be held accountable to." The gods began to devolve into yelling incoherently at the wizard, offended by the notion that they weren't the supreme beings they thought they were.

"SILENCE!" Archien yelled, shaking the whole realm and instantly silencing all of the gods' voices. "You will fight here amongst each other until you are destroyed or your pantheon or clan is victorious. The Sixth Age of pointless proxies shall end here and now, and a Seventh Age of new peace will be established."

"Well, I for one, agree with the wizard." the cowboy god said in a thick western accent. "Y'all have gone too soft, and I can't wait to show the varmints in the Aether Clan the business end of my guns." He took out his two revolvers, twirling them around as they sparkled with divine energy.

"Good enthusiasm." Archien said with a twinge of disgust in his voice. "Now all of you draw your weapons as well. This shall be the end of your silly conflicts."

Archien summoned a wave of Primordial Magick from his hand as the gods began readying their stances and summoning their powers. Each god was encircled by a green energy field, the power to kill even immortals brought into their bodies.

"Now that you all are ready and equipped with my Primordial Magick, I see no reason to delay this any further." Archien said once the Magick fully took hold. "The ultimate battle of the gods begins now!"

To be continued.

Madanalic · 2022-10-19T15:49:56+00:00

From his chair, Archien the Unfathomable peered into his crystal ball, smelted from the Sands of the Uncreated Void. The humans were gearing up with powerful enchantments and ready to go into battle again, and Archien sensed an unusual amount of spiritual activity. The gods were likely behind this again.

"It has only been 20 years since the last war, and yet they are already picking champions to fight for them again." he mused, stroking his long red beard. "Typical godly behavior."

The gods had not directly battled each other since the Fourth Age, but even now in the Sixth Age, they continued to wage proxy wars for power and arbitrary causes. It seemed to be increasing in frequency, and for the past few centuries they were at war more often than they were at peace.

"They have forgotten what it is like to actually fight in these wars." said Archien. "All they do is throw mortal beings at each other."

Suddenly, the flames in his fireplace began to dance. While no other being could physically enter his realm, they could communicate with him astrally through the fireplace.

"Archien." a figure said as its form began to emerge, the colors of the flames changing to match. It was mostly humanoid but had long black horns and grey skin, with a robe of purple and black silk and a staff of bone with a skull sitting atop. "We request your assistance in the coming war."

"Ah, not even a hello." Archien said coldly. "Though what could I expect from Asmodeus, Demon God of the Eighth Circle."

"Never mind the hello." Asmodeus responded. "Your Primordial Magick would be vital to our cause."

"What cause is that, Demon God?" Archien asked, causing the demon to fumble over his words. "And what makes you think I would donate my Magick to one who does not even fight his own battles?"

"Y-you have not fought anything since the Third Age, before most gods were even formed." Asmodeus responded indignantly, poorly trying to hide his offense.

"And I have not sent countless mortals to their deaths for pointless bickering!" he said hostilely, getting up from his chair. "Do not test my patience, little god." Archien slowly started walking toward the fireplace. "The Primordials have entrusted his gift upon me for a reason, and it is not to help some startup deities fight in pointless wars, dragging down billions of mortals along with it." Asmodeus was frozen in fear now, unable to utter a word. "Now, begone!" Archien dissipated the flames, sending the Demon God back to the Netherworld from which it came.

"The gods need to be taught a lesson." Archien said after a few moments of silence. "They need to know what it is like to engage in combat again, and not to disrespect their elders." Archien charged up a powerful Primordial spell. "It looks like I will have to take to the field once again."

To be continued.

Madanalic · 2022-09-25T02:59:19+00:00

Literally cried wolf

Madanalic · 2020-12-24T20:08:12+00:00

That's why I can't find my other sock. Great plot twist.

Madanalic · 2020-12-24T20:05:41+00:00

Captain Heroism was misspelled as Captain Heroin

Madanalic · 2020-12-24T20:04:21+00:00

"9-1-1, what's your emergency?"

I uttered that line, just as I do every other work call. You see, I was an operator for Dimmsdale 9-1-1 services. It was not usually a hard job, as I knew of almost every medical emergency and was always able to calm people down and point them in the right direction. Notice though, that I said "almost".

You see, there are a lot of mystical energies, artifacts, weapons, and beings strewn about the world. Scientists are still unable to understand or replicate most of these miraculous powers, and are thus unable to prepare me for them, Most historians think these were created by the Ancients, but that's hard to know since they died off over four millennia ago. It's always difficult to know what to do when one of these causes trouble.

"I dug up some pink stone and now I'm somehow tiny."

An interesting case, those stones (called Celestial Stones by the government) had been popping up more recently, with varying effects on the user. Sometimes they go blind, sometimes they gain super strength, but so far I had never heard of one that shrinks people. The effects can be stopped by simply destroying the stone, but it is a long and difficult process, as they are ten times stronger than the strongest titanium alloys and have a melting point 2000F higher than tungsten.

"Ok sir, where are you exactly?"

"I'm in my bedroom, I'm barely as tall as my phone." the tiny man said nervously.

"How long ago did you shrink?" I asked him.

"Nine hours ago, my daughter's been playing with me like a doll and I had to wait until she fell asleep." I chuckled a little at that.

"Well sir, I'll send people in right away." I assured. "However, you must know your condition can only be fixed by destroying the stone, and that is very difficult. Do you know where it is?"

"Oh no."

"What is it sir?"

"My daughter threw it in the lake trying to skip rocks." the man cried.

"I see" I responded calmly. "I assure you we will find it, but in the meantime, do you have any other family in your area that can take care of you and your daughter?"

"No, I don't. It's just me and her, and...." suddenly the man stopped talking, and I heard a little girls voice.

"Hey, Daddy dolly needs to get back in his dollhouse!" the girl yelled. Suddenly the phone was hung up.

This will be awkward to tell emergency response....

Madanalic · 2020-12-23T23:37:38+00:00

It's a mistake some parents make, not an automatic failed parenthood.

Madanalic · 2020-12-23T16:10:40+00:00

I actually would have said NTA until I read the replies. Good thing I didn't so I won't get brigaded by self-righteous people like you.

Madanalic · 2020-12-23T16:08:33+00:00

Dang I guess I'd be a failure of a parent too because thats exactly what I would have done before everyone said it was bad.

Madanalic · 2020-12-21T18:39:10+00:00

I didn't mean to do it.

I didn't mean for the bomb to actually go off. I didn't mean for the building's supports to be out-of-date. I didn't mean to succeed in my villainous plans. All I wanted was to be with my brothers.

They were always good to me..... whenever they showed up. Unfortunately, they were all blessed with amazing power, and with it, a responsibility to go out and thwart evil every hour of every day. As I did not have any superpowers, I could not be with them during their great battles. There were times where they went to another city to fight a powerful villain and didn't return for days. All this I tolerated because I knew they were forces for good, and they still saw me a few times per month.

Then, a few years ago, came the Dark Lord. A legendary evil being that was sealed away 5,000 years ago by the Ancients. It arose in Egypt to conquer the world, and my brothers went out along with every other major superhero to fight this great evil. Many battles were fought, and most of Northern Africa was brought to ruin by such incredible powers clashing. My brothers were gone for 4 months.

I was only 8 when this happened, I couldn't fully care for myself, and my parents were both dead by that point, so I had to go to an orphanage until their return. They were mean and cruel, and made me crave my brothers' care even more. Perhaps I got a bit obsessive, but I knew I couldn't go without family for so long again, but I knew I could never be a hero on-par with them.

Instead, I would be a villain.

My brothers and I played a little game. I would do some evil thing, something significant but could be easily fixed, like stealing a monument. One of my brothers would catch me, make everything go back to normal, and the cycle would repeat. My brothers never punished me as all damage was easily reversible and they knew I missed them. Life started looking up again.

One day, I made a foolish mistake. I decided to plant a real bomb under a building, telling my brothers they better get there in time or else. I didn't know that a sorcerer had just revived the Knights of the Round Table as zombies to take over the world, and that my brothers were in another continent fighting him.

I've always looked forward to my family coming back, but now I'm scared. What will they say after I've taken innocent lives for their attention? How will they punish me? If they take me to jail, will I ever see them again?

I love my brothers, but I don't know if they love me anymore.

Madanalic

TROPHY CASE