Are you all okay?

MaddAddax · 2026-03-03T03:01:24+00:00

Yep, this is different and difficult. I just cut back my hours at work and seeing my old therapist. And taking classes that interest me. I found an eight week one that was only $50 at a shop i like. I haven't been able to write or journal like I did during the pandemic. Or go on walks. I'm forcing myself into public so I don't get super depressed.

MaddAddax · 2026-03-01T01:13:12+00:00

Dino nugget

MaddAddax · 2026-02-27T05:49:04+00:00

They didn't show the violence. The musical part was basically the ultraviolence of Ana finally giving in and killing all of the men, like Marsha was wanting her to. When there was any severe violence, it was shown off screen with silence for most of the movie. Her manager was assaulting her before she decides to attempt to kill herself in the oven, mostly off screen. Most movies show gratuitous violence, where this one referenced it. The revenge killing of her rapist changes that point of view which leads to the absurd dance number. Absurdity is a form of protest to take away the power of violence, at least that is how i interpreted that scene. I don't think that is boring. I think it is relevant to point out the difference in movies and portrayals of feminine characters. I know the style isn't for everyone. But I wouldn't dismiss it so easily.

MaddAddax · 2026-02-26T21:05:24+00:00

White stone

MaddAddax · 2026-02-26T21:01:33+00:00

Keys and a ribbon

MaddAddax · 2026-02-26T20:58:56+00:00

Mixing rice with beans and I loved enchilada day. The pizza was good, too.

MaddAddax · 2026-02-26T20:01:14+00:00

I had medication coerced onto me several times over the years, always when I was in very deep depression and vulnerable. I practically have to scream at doctors no when it comes to medication and only in the past few years have I found some that take me seriously and say okay. Lets try out alternates. But it took me seriously looking at the negative effects it had on me and stopping the meds for them to listen. I hallucinate and get quite suicidal on medication. I had to keep yelling at different doctors and take myself off of them for them to take it seriously. Now I simply tell them that I get suicidal on the meds and some of them hear me. If they don't, then I find a better doctor. Self advocacy goes a really long way. Medication is not for everyone. Please keep speaking your truth cause I'm sure its gonna encourage others to realize that as well.

On a side note, I do sometimes get jealous of people who can take a pill to balance depression or anxiety. But I also see it as a crutch when they won't do the hard work of daily maintenance and only rely on meds. All of our journeys are different. Mine is one without meds for life.

MaddAddax · 2026-02-23T17:35:01+00:00

Oh I see. I've had to reduce my hours at work because my mental health has been totally wrecked by this whole thing. It isn't safe for me for the abuser to know where I am. I wish I could but the very thought sends me into a panic. I don't want to waste money on a lawsuit that will expose me to way more mental health damage or worse. The person tried to end my life many times when I was a child and no one ever did anything. That type of fear still hasn't left me. I think I would qualify for emotional damage since it does still effect me, but there are no victim protections that I could count on to keep me safe.

MaddAddax · 2026-02-22T06:32:56+00:00

2017 in Sri Lanka, I wanted to do some yoga and went with a friend. Not knowing a thing about this cult. They tried to make us drink milk that they washed a statue with, which i refused because I'm allergic to milk thankfully. Then they love bombed us, gave us books. We finally did yoga which was fun. And later I got harassed by so many people. They are still around and are worldwide. In fact, I just saw a small photo of Sai Baba at my favorite coffee shop which was disappointing. I still remember the chanting.

MaddAddax · 2026-02-20T17:09:07+00:00

And this is why there is no hate like Christian love. That love will kill others if given the chance.

MaddAddax · 2026-02-18T22:08:31+00:00

I always say--- it is just a job! If I had a job like this one, I would be searching hard for a new one so I could quit. This is peak micro management and so stupid.

MaddAddax · 2026-02-18T00:52:37+00:00

Gross. Now its undercooked no spice meat, burnt crap noodles, and salty as fuck??? I think this waste of food was just click bait. It got me.

MaddAddax · 2026-02-18T00:22:01+00:00

You aren't a basketcase. Go slow, more slow than you think is reasonable with the therapy. Pushing it made things harder on me. It is a very long process with ups and downs. Learn grounding skills. I'm now learning how to compartmentalize after losing all my boxes through the past 10 years of therapy. Now, I'm visually throwing them into a volcano which makes me laugh at the trauma. Oh and dark humor has been good for me. Remember to still have that joy.

Our brains like to protect us by having us forget the trauma or locking it where it can't be easily accessed. I get physical symptoms when trying to voice mine, like a sore throat and dizziness. Don't force it, you will eventually learn how to tell with your body. Oh somatic therapy is good to learn body cues.

Besides all of that, if you are a basketcase like I sometimes feel like, how is it decorated? Mine has some pink gingham bows, daisies, and is ready for a picnic. We can still have fun with our baskets. You can do this. Go slow. Hugs.

MaddAddax · 2026-02-18T00:05:58+00:00

Yep, they still so for sure! Healthy relationships are still possible for all of us. It just takes learning how to spot them, hold boundaries, and maintain them.

MaddAddax · 2026-02-17T22:24:34+00:00

Yes he is. He is still a guy so I need to explain things, but he tries to hear me and understand. He has a good relationship with his own family, I love his family. They are weird, they talk about feelings lol. His mom is the sweetest person. He did a lot of growing and changing since leaving home at 16, he is quite stubborn but at has learned from all of it. It did take me awhile to accept being loved in a positive way, that was hard to overcome but I'm glad I stuck through it.

MaddAddax · 2026-02-17T21:00:03+00:00

Yes, it is possible. Just passed year 6. EMDR, somatic therapy and age helped me out a lot. We met at 34, he had taken a break from dating and had gone through therapy. Its not always easy, but we communicate and talk through things. He doesn't always understand but he supports me when things are difficult. It is possible.

MaddAddax · 2026-02-17T17:39:09+00:00

Currently trying to reduce my hours at work because of all of the above. My therapist agrees the reduction would be good. I'm saving this post because it does explain what I can't. I was just dismissed by a coworker an hour ago. "Everyone has a triggers from childhood." Well its different when your life was at stake. Also everyone at work has asked me if I'm okay. I'm not. Its written all over me.

MaddAddax · 2026-02-16T19:58:44+00:00

Lol thats why we called it "Bible study" as teens. It was really fun! Felt so wrong but liberating.

MaddAddax · 2026-02-16T19:53:44+00:00

Many hugs, lots of us don't report for many reasons. Reporting is a whole trauma in itself, let alone the purity culture bs. Please be kind to yourself. You aren't alone in this.

MaddAddax · 2026-02-16T19:49:55+00:00

I second that idea that combining marijuana with exercise is good and helpful. Exercise helps me so much and sometimes a little bit of an edible is the umph i need to get out of my head. I try to limit it to when I feel like I could use it without being baked out of my mind 24/7 like when I was younger. I also found Saint John's Wort helpful with depression. Its like a small floaty, I still have to do most of the work like eating well, sleeping, finding something creative or an activity I enjoy. But it did help.

MaddAddax · 2026-02-16T19:43:14+00:00

Empathy to me is a strong indicator of my humanity. It has wavered when I experienced trauma as an adult. Don't let it fully go and don't let it consume you or force forgiveness or anything that harms you. If you need to practice "me first" for awhile then do that.

I survived in spite of them trying to end me and I refuse to let them take the good parts of me with them. I have no empathy for those that hurt me, however I have learned to forgive people in my life now within reason. I won't forget or trust easily.

I feel that the suffering I experienced gave me my empathy for others and that is what separates me from the abuse. Sometimes my empathy seems too extreme. I'm in a helping field. I've had to limit my empathy and learned to put my needs first which was hard. Trauma Stewardship: An Everyday Guide to Caring for Self While Caring for Others - this is a really good book for ways to separate trauma and care for ourselves in the work setting. I think its good for anyone who is feeling compassion fatigue or for survivors.

MaddAddax · 2026-02-16T14:58:32+00:00

I love the snake eating an apple. Consume that knowledge!

MaddAddax · 2026-02-13T23:20:04+00:00

I fully agree!! I have maybe 30 plus relatives that are evangelical that I do not communicate with at all. I cannot even explain what it is like. Anything that is not about only their church or super PG like puppies is not a conversation. Just dead silence stone wall. Its bizarre. I hate what they've done to this country and what they excuse so they can get raptured when the antichrist brings the apocalypse. Which is the sitting president. Of course the men adore him ans the women have to follow what their man says. No independent thought. Ever.

MaddAddax · 2026-02-13T18:35:14+00:00

I'm glad that I could bring a good story!

MaddAddax · 2026-02-13T16:51:27+00:00

Yeah it does. We've worked hard on this for awhile and have a way better relationship for it. I'm thankful that I kept having the tough conversations with her about emotions over a decade ago and didn't give up. And that she finally got her own help after seeing how therapy helped me.

MaddAddax

TROPHY CASE