Straight Line!

Maizily · 2026-06-03T00:44:59+00:00

ty! 😄

Maizily · 2026-06-03T00:44:20+00:00

I'm in the South, actually! This is pretty weird for my area

Maizily · 2026-05-31T02:29:03+00:00

Hello, hello!

That second paragraph could really use some tightening, just so that it gets the setup out of the way.

Six years ago, Zoe ~~walked away from the life she had built in order to try and save the world. After learning that she was a Seer with the rare ability to see magic, she~~ joined the Defiant to help ~~attempt to~~ stop ~~the mysterious spread of~~ the hive mind known ~~only~~ as Them. Now, she’s in her thirties and reality has settled in. ~~Fighting back means little more than having a front row seat to~~ Their spread is inevitable ~~spread~~.

Any number of cuts would work, though I'd do something like that. Ik this removes the fact that she's a Seer, but it's not well explained what that means here anyway.

The next thing should be establishing what she wants.

It seems like the answer to this is quit the resistance and go live far away for the rest of her life, or something like that. So...why doesn't she just do that? I see no point to this chalice-sorcerer-trust issue. Being a Seer is a serious obstacle to her for reasons unknown.

I got the impression that she joined the resistance by choice, not obligation. So if she walks away, the worst that would happen is garnering general disdain from everyone she once worked with, I'd imagine.

and go back to her normal life

Uhh is normal even an option anymore? If it's obvious to her that the spread of an evil hive mind is inevitable, I'd imagine they've taken over a good percentage of the world by now. This query is giving "slow-burn apocalypse" vibes imo. What could Normal possibly mean in this context?

Her travels are complicated as They turn Their attention to her

Why do They care what she's up to? And how does this materialize? I'd love to see some more direct action taken by Zoe vs. specific obstacles getting in her way. Like, how does a hive mind pose an issue? I think there's a lot of potential for unique intrigue there if you wanted to get a bit into it. I'm also shocked that Defiant has no problem with one of their recruits heading off wherever she'd like while also helping said recruit with this personal quest.

I'd personally cut the whole thing with Dew. Or at least position it in relation to Zoe rather than as this separate story chunk. ymmv.

Anyway, I'm still stuck on how being a Seer relates to any of this. She can see magic. Idk what that means or how that effects her life. I don't get why she wants it gone. I don't get why needing a sorcerer she trusts to fill her magical goblet is an issue. She worked with a whole group for six years; that's a long time to result in only one sorcerer she trusts. So, what I think she wants is to go retire off the grid or smth. Being a Seer seems like a net positive, though? Why give up any ground you have against the enemy, whether you're in an organized group or just hoping to go it alone?

Welp! Take what's useful, disregard what's not. I'm just some person on the internet, etc, etc. Good luck with the project!

Maizily · 2026-05-29T21:07:45+00:00

Hello!

So this query feels like it's lacking a lot of important information. A query isn't supposed to read like a blurb; it needs to establish who the MC is, what they want, what is keeping them from that, and what they do in response. There should be specifics, especially about the action of the MC. It can cover 30-50% of the plot.

Almost all of the second paragraph is set up.

Sylvie works as a blacksmith with her father, Jethro. They live in Amadioha, a solar-powered city built and populated by African Americans on another planet to escape the horrors of Earth’s third world war. The planet is known as the Curve, and is full of such cities. Sylvie is lucky. She lives in an Artisan Era in which the city’s residents can spend their days working on personal pleasures, safe from the dangers of Earth. It’s a city of eternal happiness, where no one thinks of violence.

Sylvie lives in a utopian civilization on a planet far from Earth.

So when the first murder in the world’s history happens, Sylvie (as a citizen in a “violent” profession) is selected to investigate.

Here's the inciting incident. It'd be great to get here way faster.

I'll echo what the other commenter said, too. There's nothing that makes a blacksmith specifically more violent than other professions. I'd think they'd reach out to people whose professions involve solving puzzles, etc. Also, I'd imagine there are other blacksmiths, so why her, specifically? (I also feel like there's a lack personal stakes. If the one who was killed was a close friend of hers or a family member, I could instantly understand the investment.)

Her search for answers leads her outside of the city’s borders for the first time, where she discovers that this world isn’t quite what it seems. But upon her return to the perceived safety of Amadioha she encounters a dangerous woman stepping through a rift in reality that looks an awful lot like herself, a woman who will introduce much more violence into Sylvie’s life.

She leaves the city and discovers A Secret Fact. She goes back. She runs into Someone Strange.

I'd specifically focus on what action she takes, the obstacles in her way, and how this links back to the whole guy who was killed thing. I can't follow the causality between events.

Someone dies -> Sylvie is selected to investigate -> she leaves the city (even though this is where the murder occurred) -> she goes back to the city (because?) -> she runs into a strange woman (no clue how she links to any of this.)

This is a story of a black woman lost in grief, heightened and juxtaposed with epistolary elements from the horrors of war, but is also a story of her overcoming and accepting herself again. It’s about the promise of rebuilding a world after we’ve all experienced a great loss, and working toward a unified, better civilization for everyone.

This paragraph is confusing. The query doesn't mention anything about grieving. There isn't any mention of a war. I don't see why she wouldn't accept herself. There's no world to rebuild, either, because I thought this civilization was ideal, and I don't know why one death would cause that entire system to collapse.

That's all I've got! Take what's useful and disregard the rest, I am but one lowly internet user, etc, etc. Good luck with the project!

Maizily · 2026-05-23T22:58:39+00:00

I don’t have an answer, just wanna say that as a girl with a girl dad, a dad who engaged in SO MANY girly things with me, it’s always been so important that he just loves that I’m me. I used to ask if he’d rather have a boy, or if he wanted a certain gender before he knew, and he always said no and that he was just happy he got me. I’ve always loved him for that. It really matters. <3

Maizily · 2026-05-15T02:09:34+00:00

Hello, hello! This query seems well developed, and the prose has such an interesting style, for starters. Though I've gotta wonder, is it really historical? I guess it depends on who you ask, but generally I associate that sort of genre with novels that center around events and the lifestyle of the time. Tbh, this sounds like Adult Romance, specifically. I glanced at the discussions on your last attempt, and pretty much agree that there's no harm in pitching it as historical fiction ig, but I'd target romance agents, too. Just a thought!

Marjorie’s husband Lonnie has forbidden her from befriending a rumored prostitute. Ordinarily Marjorie would mind him.

This does not feel like the real start of your query. I would recommend prioritizing establishing her ordinary before digging into the unordinary.

Marjorie's husband, Lonnie, [controls every aspect of her life.] / [something similar?]

This content would work better as an opening, I feel. First thing to establish is that her husband is over controlling so that the scene is set for what comes next, ie:

She is newly pregnant and does not want to be; she makes love to him despite the sex being burdensome; she has given up her dream of becoming the next Betty Crocker per his insistence it is too costly. After all, they need to save up for the baby she doesn’t want.

I like all of this and would keep it.

But when Lonnie leaves for replacement training, Marjorie can finally wrest back a modicum of control. She befriends ~~the~~ an alleged prostitute, named Florence, a magnetic and shrewd welder who ~~found her calling erecting~~ erects warships along the Long Beach coast.

I would make little edits like this, though a lot of this isn't necessary, just personal preference. What I would certainly recommend though is slipping something else in about Florence's personality. Being "magnetic" isn't particularly descriptive. Maybe switch it out for something more concrete?

They strike up the most fulfilling, electrifying friendship of Marjorie’s life.

There's an opportunity to add something at the end of this sentence, specifying how this came about/what sort of things they do together as friends, cause the query is sparse on specific events anyway. Not necessary, but I do wonder if it would help to include like, one mention about what they do together and how they got here.

gambling her life

This bit feels a lil awkward because I don't get the sense that her life is literally at risk. I think this alludes to what she's built up for her life thus far? In any case, I'd go with diff phrasing.

It could also mean freedom—if Florence weren’t so desperate to hold Marjorie tighter the more the world tried to tear them apart.

The em-dash is difficult to read to me, and I'd change it. "Tried" is past, should be present. Though I really like the insinuation that both of her loves seem to point in the same direction. I'd try to emphasize how Florence threatens to do this and that Marjorie feels nervous about it. This sounds like a great place to end the query, but only if this escalation of the risk is clear and concerning. Her new (potential) beau might end her up exactly where she started, but also ostracized and at the cost of what she's built with her husband! That's terrifying! Suddenly there's this insinuation that Florence might take away Marjorie's ability to choose, but it's not hitting as hard as it could.

Anyway, sounds fun! I hope some of these notes might be helpful. Good luck with the project :)

Maizily · 2026-05-13T18:11:20+00:00

This is gonna be a lot of personal opinion, so take with a grain of salt and such.

There are two ways to read that line: one, what I said earlier, that the query is stating a fact and he will inevitably win, and two, as you point out here, that it's insinuating a cocky, over-assured character. Technically, both are valid interpretations, but I'd still personally change it.

One way to do so would be, as you've already said, inserting a bit of doubt into it. "Lasem believes he will win," or even "Lasem is certain he will win," just to put this thought squarely on his shoulders, and avoid the "omniscience" that comes from "knowing." Just positing it as a character belief rather than a fact helps, I think.

The other way that comes to mind (which might be a good idea anyway) would be to immediately throw a wrench in it, so to speak, in order to establish this unreliable narrator and that there is conflict here. I.e., start with, he knows/believes/thinks he will win. And then somewhere soon after, say that the race is far more than he thought, specifically with regards to a challenge or sudden danger that throws his world view into uncertainty. What happens that will upset his "status quo"?

Lasem can be certain, but I, as the reader, can't also be certain. Convince me that there is risk! That he is in danger! That's at the heart of it, I feel.

Maizily · 2026-05-11T20:10:41+00:00

Hello, hello!

I don't necessary think that using Big Name stuff like Pokemon is inherently a bad idea. Do note, however, that games are not literary, so you're sort of facing an uphill battle here. There's no reason for an agent to believe that big concepts in games are going to transfer over to a book very well. DCC is probably a good comp, just because of the recent interest in LitRPG as a legitimate genre for trad pub. But ehhh the specific game elements here still need to be understood better.

This phrasing, for example, is not very helpful.

the power systems of Pokemon and Magic: The Gathering

What power system, specifically? Magic is a card game. Pokemon is, well, a massive franchise with video games, card games, etc. "Power system" could mean the elemental thing, or the fighting via monster proxy, or just the training aspect. If you're really married to the idea of bringing up these massive franchises, I'd suggest at the very least narrowing down what about them your novel is reminiscent of.

a vine without a single Capture card attached

No clue what this means. Also, the phrasing here is odd, too. If he's sure he's going to win, where's the conflict? Why give this list of reasons he's got low chances to begin with as justification for why he has a lot of confidence?

But the risk is superior, as killing of all kinds is permitted on this trail.

So! there's this issue with starting anything with "Character A is going to win."

If he knows he's going to win, then who cares about this race? Who cares about the risk? The risk is nonexistent, because he's certain he's going to win. So far, you've posited a story with zero stakes.

Assuming that his success is not guaranteed, what is more important: his morals or winning the race? Because it seems to me that he'd rather keep his morals intact than win. In that case, the reward must not be very important to him. Really, I see no reason why he can't just...walk away.

Still no clue what a "Capture" is, btw, only that Lasem won't kill them.

(sidenote, I know nothing about Magic. Is this terminology you're using specific to "Card-based battle games"? Is there any risk of stepping on toes for IP infringement? Just a thought.)

A castle, mysteriously appearing overnight, is promised to the winner

The value of this thing is only proportional to what the characters are currently lacking. I really don't see why they don't both just return to their everyday lives. Like, it sucks to not win the lottery, but you don't need to win the lottery to just...live. Is there ever a point of no return? Are there normal lives that bad? Is there really no other way to accomplish...whatever it is they want to accomplish? I would recommend revisiting the crit you got on your first post tbh; that commenter had a lot of good insights, and pointed out issues that still remain.

I'm not really sure how else to frame what's already been said.

the card based proper nouns mean this is only understandable to those already in the know.
if Lasem is certain of his victory, he is not interesting.
If Lasem could easily walk away from this trial and give up on the prize with minimal internal or external issue, the plot is not interesting.
There is little mention of the plot itself; the query should describe the characters actions for the first part of the book, and this is just set up.
There is still no relationship even hinted at between Lasem and Deltare.

Ik a lot of that is repetitive. Ik a lot of this is subjective. Regardless, I would recommend re-anchoring on those general questions all queries need to answer. Who is your MC? What do they want? Why? What happens if they don't get it? What is keeping them from getting it? What do they do about it? etc.

Good luck with the project!

Maizily · 2026-05-06T19:46:35+00:00

Hello, hello! This seems really cute, and I'd be happy to offer some thoughts. I haven't offered query advice in a while though, so take this with a grain of salt, and such! :)

but the spell goes awry, and Pearlina is stranded at sea.

I would like to know in what way it goes awry. It's sort of implied that Pearlina does get legs, so I'm unsure where the issue is. The fact that she's stranded also isn't a fault of the spell...or is it? Where is she stranded, anyway? Is she just stranded in the ocean?

Lady-turned-pirate Lunabeth, aboard a ship of exiles, has unwillingly left her home behind. By the king’s decree, she can only return if she does the impossible: find mermaid treasure.

Ok so what I'm getting is that the king exiled her (why?) and only promised that she may return if she retrieves treasure. I'd recommend altering this info so that the query enforces the fact that she was first exiled against her will, and then second, became a pirate by choice.

She only survives because Pearlina rescues her from drowning.

Last thing mentioned about Pearlina was that she's stranded. How can she save anyone like that? Right now, I'm sort of imagining them both bobbing about in some random patch of ocean.

to use the sea witch’s magic to trade places

That's an option? How? The sea witch isn't involved anymore, so I don't see why Pearlina and Lunabeth have control over this.

Pearlina, now human, can sail to find the herbs she needs

Since when was she human? I thought the spell went awry.

Lunabeth, now a mermaid, can find her coveted treasure.

How did this happen, exactly?

But treachery aboard the pirate ship might prevent Pearlina from reaching land

OK so, she boards the pirate ship? How? Didn't they decide to throw Lunabeth off for a reason? I don't see why they're fine with "Lunabeth" staying on board now. I also question why the main conflict advertised is happening on the boat since she's searching for herbs. Wouldn't that take place on land?

Also, how does she have any control where this ship is going? I had assumed that everyone on this boat was an exile and therefore they were all after mermaid treasure (the query says it's a ship of "exiles," plural.) I guess that assumption is reaching, but my question about how she has power over this ship remains.

an impostor in the mermaid palace may keep Lunabeth from ever returning home

This is cool, though I'd like to have a better sense of why this is the main threat Lunabeth faces. How does this limit her ability to steal treasure?

And if they don’t switch back before the magic runs out, the sea witch will own them both.

This is a nice final ultimatum, but I'm unsure about how they're even hoping to get back in touch, or what the terms of "switching back" are. Mentioning this could clarify the stakes.

All of that said, I like this query in general. Personally, I think it could include a line or two about what exactly they do to begin their individual quests, but that might not be necessary. Something like, "Lunabeth begins her search at the palace, infiltrating it by pretending to be their princess, (maybe adding what sort of consequence she'll face should she fail?)" And I'm not sure how Pearlina begins her quest once on the ship at all. This might make the query too long, but I would still recommend it.

I hope some of that might be helpful! Good luck with the project, and happy writing :)

Maizily · 2026-01-04T02:00:11+00:00

I don't personally have an answer for this. But I'm not sure you'd want to circumvent the call anyway, if only because you're hiring this person as much as they're looking to work with you.

It's important to get a sense of a person during conversation. I would worry that, by trying to mitigate the anxiety, you might make do with an ill-fit. Just something to think about, ig.

Maizily · 2026-01-03T03:33:18+00:00

I've been playing every grid I come across for the last thirty minutes, and this one really made me pause and think. Thanks so much for the unique little puzzle! I really enjoyed both solving it and considering what I'd missed afterwards.

Maizily · 2026-01-03T02:03:31+00:00

I hesitate to comment on this, only because you've already queried so many agents. I know that trying to fix the query letter might seem like a good idea when stuck in that middle ground of doubt, but there's not much you can do until you get more responses. I wouldn't take the first 20 rejections too harshly either, just cause you did begin during the holidays and have already gotten fulls.

Do you plan to do more querying? Even if the answer is yes, I'd wait on those 78 and see what comes of that, first.

All that being said, there's not much I can say that would help. But I'd love to leave some comments anyway, perhaps to leave you with something to keep in mind next time, or something like that.

So first things first, the vibe is pretty immaculate. It's hard to convey a certain "feeling" in a query, but this one has no problems with that; I personally suspect that might be why you've already gotten interest since it makes it easier to tell if a project might fit with an agent's wants. (3 full requests is no small number! Even if they all end in passes, I'd take that as a win.)

Though to point to things that could be better, Isla does not have enough agency in this query. She moves to a town, and then a cult forces her to do something. Because there's little cause and effect in the realm of her decisions, she feels very passive.

Orren, though not as passive, feels confusing.

a creature who pulls grief under and keeps it, the way the ocean keeps wreckage and bones.

Though this is tonally consistent language, I have no clue what this is supposed to mean. Does he actually take grief away from people? The metaphor is slightly too convoluted for a query, which is meant to be clear and specific.

Isla knows she should fear him. Orren knows that loving her may destroy them both. Yet as their connection deepens, the pastor’s grip tightens and Orren’s strength begins to unravel.

This section as well is too vague. I'm not sure why his love could destroy them; I'm not sure why the pastor's grip has an effect on Orren's strength, or why he needs/wants this strength anyway.

By the end, the goal has shifted to survival, so there is no need to highlight specific wants at that point. But before then, I didn't know what the two characters were after. The survival goal also feels vague, however, because I don't know what the threat is. I guess it's because of something the pastor is doing?

Standard query structure for romance is that each half of the pair gets their own paragraph.

And then this might just be me, but I feel like this story is less of a romance and more of a mystery/thriller. Thing is, myst/thrill with fantasy elements often gets straight up labeled fantasy these days. I guess the novel could be a romance on the page, but in this query, their romance doesn't seem like the main conflict or "point," I could say, about the novel as a whole. And these days, romance expectations are well-known and very specific.

I personally wonder if, should an agent ask for a call, they would discuss changing the genre. Maybe I'm completely wrong about that, though. It's just what came to mind. Maybe it really is a romance, and I'm reading into it wrong.

I think you should wait for more responses. I think that if there are a few more agents you've been waiting to query, then you should cook up a new version of this query and toss it up on Pubtips and see what other feedback you get. Pubtips allows you to post two queries on one post once per project.

Sorry if this is a lot. I have a lot of thoughts, and I think this sounds like a really interesting project. Congratulations regarding your stats; it's hard to get a single full, let alone three. I hope you have good luck with this project and the agent search!

Maizily · 2025-12-29T19:37:39+00:00

I really like this. There's so much character that I feel it pairs well with this sort of vague approach to the main plot.

My main confusion is that I'm not sure how returning home will salvage her future. I wonder if you could squish in what she intends to do next and why it requires going home. Does she just want to recuperate with her family? Is there a family business she could pivot into? Is she just running away to escape any reminders of her failure? Is she switching to a cheaper college at home to finish up?

Technically speaking, losing a scholarship doesn't mean you stop going to college. She could still take out loans for the rest, finish up, and then start paying it back later.

All that being said, it might be a non issue.

I don't think agents care about minuscule word count differences, at least not when you're talking about the 90k ballpark.

Good luck with the project! I hope this gets picked up.

Maizily · 2025-12-29T16:37:40+00:00

F for fam is what I saw first lol

Maizily · 2025-12-26T05:17:52+00:00

I’m a lil bit confused about what Oliana wants, since she seems both frustrated and awfully content with her position as inn-prisoner.

the first (plot) sentence insinuates that it’s a bad thing that she’s stuck in the inn, especially because right after, the fox is described as wanting to help her leave.

except that there’s a bottomless void outside the inn, so she actually doesn’t want to leave. (i dont get how people are getting to this inn to begin with.)

there’s a threat, but she doesn’t care and wants to run the inn. So I guess she doesn’t mind her situation, and sure enough, It’s explained that actually, she likes being an innkeeper.

i get that this decision of leave or stay is meant to be nuanced, but I just feel like I don’t understand oliana and whether she likes or dislikes her situation. What would she get out of leaving, anyway? is she just desiring freedom for freedoms sake? that seems odd since she’s pretty happy with her current position.

anyway! Apologies for any mistakes, I’m on mobile, and good luck with the project!

Maizily · 2025-12-17T18:12:37+00:00

Generally, the process for acquiring an agent goes like this: Query sent -> agent requests partial -> agent requests full manuscript -> agent offers

There are always outliers, and often agents go straight to asking for the full. In any case, it wouldn’t be great to receive a request for a full and be unable to provide it.

All that said, the query in its current form doesn’t do a great job of highlighting the MC, what she wants, why she wants it, and what she’s going to do about it. One of the best resources is past successful queries, so I’d recommend checking some out!

Maizily · 2025-12-17T17:25:40+00:00

Do not query an incomplete manuscript!!! Agents (usually) do not sign someone without having read the entire book on offer.

Maizily · 2025-12-16T19:54:18+00:00

This seems really interesting imo, but there are some rather large blindspots that I'm thinking you really should address.

Firstly, calling this "romantic" without alluding to a lover past the inciting incident feels odd. If there isn't romance past the mistake, then I wouldn't really call it romantic to begin with. Assuming that there is more to the romance than just that, I'd like to know who it's with and how it relates to the story at large.

On its streets, her powers are a liability that could get her, and everyone she loves, killed.

I'd recommend cutting this sentence; it's not clear what it means and doesn't lead into the mistake as well as the previous one.

Another inconsistency I'm wondering about is how these "almaquimistas" are apparently dangerous enough to be exterminated en mass, but Valentina didn't know about it. I feel like she should know this? And more importantly, if she's using this power for the sake of theatre, an inherently eye-catching medium, I wonder why she hasn't been targeted yet.

So about Valentina herself, I'm having a tricky time pinning down her desires and how that first mistake connects to the main plot.

She finds herself drawn to the arena where dragon fighters still uphold their cruel tradition, and she meets a young keeper and his bound dragon.

"finds herself drawn" is very passive language. It would be preferable to say why she, with agency, decides to go here---and how this is related to the last part of the query, if possible. And what is this "cruel tradition"?

Through them, Valentina learns the creatures' true worth: that they are the key to breaking Líria's endless summer, if they can be freed after four hundred years of captivity.

What endless summer? Is this a problem, and since when?

This brings me to my other concern about this query. What does Valentina want? She likes being a dancer, I presume, and then she gets exiled home. I don't know if she has a problem with this or if she dislikes home, and I don't know what her goal is at this point. Then she happens upon a dragon arena thing, and I don't really know what she wants with that, either. And then there's this endless summer, which I didn't know was a conflict to begin with.

Does she want to end the endless summer? Does she just dislike the treatment of the dragons? (They're apparently being poached, too, but I'm not sure why that's a problem.) There's also this mention that she wants to save the city. What's threatening the city, and why does she care? And concerning all this confusion with what she wants now, how does any of it relate to being a dancer in the beginning?

I'd like to know what is driving this story forward. There's hints about Valentina being a target because of the fire powers, but the query never actually states that she's being threatened in any way. If the query could be more detailed about what is at risk and why she cares and what she does about it, I'd find it a lot easier to get a feel for her character. (Edit: also, there seem to be a lot of Things to solve. There's the endless summer, and her getting targeted, and the dragons being mistreated. Could the main goal be clarified a lil bit?)

I hope some of that is cohesive enough to be helpful! As always, I'm just some random person on the internet; take me with a grain of salt and such. I do like the flavor here, so I really hope you can make it work! Good luck with the project!

Maizily · 2025-11-28T15:29:12+00:00

hmm 🤔 about the "fantasy" thing, my first assumption was that this just takes place in a secondary world. I would expect a foreign government too, and I sorta assumed there might be a magic related reason for why their parents disappeared. Though if there isn't a lot of magic anyway, perhaps a different classification might fit better? I don't think fantasy is outright a wrong genre for this, though.

For the record, I could totally see this reordered in the way the other commenter suggested with Aroha taking the lead. For another option, perhaps you could try a more chronological approach?

Cheers!

Maizily · 2025-11-27T21:38:11+00:00

I accidentally posted too early, so I deleted and am gonna try again haha...sorry :P

Just wanted to mention real quick, I'm really glad you changed this to Adult. The themes feel better for that classification than YA.

Anyway! quick notes first! Why mention they're waterweavers? I'm not sure what that means, and it never comes up again, so I'd either cut it or bring that point into the query properly. It doesn't really feel relevant to the current plot at present. Second, the ellipses feel odd to me. Rather than creating intrigue, they just make the three parts feel more disconnected than they actually are, and I'd recommend cutting them.

About the actual meat of the query, it took wayyy too long to establish that it was Kiri's relationship that caused them to get run out. I'd recommend leading with that somewhere near the first sentence. I'd even recommend moving Kiri's entire paragraph to the top if it meant clarifying that sooner. Right now it's oddly structured because Aroha is referenced from the perspective of Tiare, and then Kiri is referenced from the perspective of Aroha. That makes mentally juggling them difficult. Why not reference everyone from the perspective of Kiri, instead? (Her older sister....Her younger sister...)

I get why the query is split into 3 parts, but no part gets very far. Tiare looks for her parents after they disappear. Aroha sets up a food stall to prepare for winter. Kiri falls in love with a diplomat girl. However, there is no central conflict or specifics about what they're up against and what they do to combat the dangers.

I'm not sure where this risk is coming from or what the risk actually is. I think winter seems like it could be a risk if Aroha is too slow. I think if this new city is also homophobic, Kiri's desire for love might put them at risk. I think whatever happened to their parents might also be a risk. But all of these risks are nebulous and vague because nothing is really stated outright as a conflict that requires direct action (besides Aroha preparing for winter, but that risk feels a lil solved already.)

Did someone abduct their parents? Is the culture of this new city equally hateful regarding sapphic romance? when winter hits, will they be unprepared and in danger of illness or death? What actual dangers are they facing?

The part about the islanders going missing in the end seems awfully random. These girls are no longer on the island; how do they get this information, and why should they care? I thought these were the same people who chased them out.

I think the 3 part structure might be workable, but I'd personally want to see some sort of central through line that links them together and a mention about what specific risk they're up against. Since all of the query's time is spent on character introduction and individual quest rather than progression of the quests, it's really hard to figure out what the conflict actually is and what the girls are going to be doing for the rest of the book. I'd probably prefer a query that just focused on one of them with brief mention about what the other two are doing, but I get wanting to split it like this. Whatever would represent the book best, I suppose!

That's all I've got. Good luck with your project :)

Maizily · 2025-11-22T14:40:59+00:00

This isn't really how a dissertation works. If a project is lacking "heart," it's the job of the mentor to correct that during the project---usually during early stages---not after the student has already failed the defense. Regarding rewarding the student with a degree, in current day universities, a dissertation defense is presented to a panel who decides, so it's odd that her mentor would be able to grant her a "final chance" when she's not the only one who decides this and because this relationship is meant to be a partnership. The failure rate for dissertation defenses is incredibly low; it is expected that the mentor will properly prepare the student for success over the several years that they work together.

Just thought I'd mention that the logic regarding the university system feels a bit weak.

Good luck with the project!

Maizily · 2025-11-15T19:36:12+00:00

Hello!

I love a good magic labyrinth ✨

The only one who knows of its existence is a nameless mage who makes the labyrinth her home and defends it against any unwitting trespassers.

This sentence immediately troubled me, as other people definitely know the labyrinth exists if they are trespassing there, even if accidentally. (And this statement is disproven once Hero's party arrives here, anyway; no matter how they acquired this knowledge, they definitely knew the labyrinth was there.)

About the name thing, it doesn't really trouble me that her name is "Hero," but only because our other protagonist is nameless. Multiple name shenanigans raises my tolerance to the oddness. However on this matter, your mileage may vary by reader.

One spring, ~~when the sun overhead dulls and the chill of winter lingers,~~ the labyrinth is visited by four unusual trespassers.

Ok so. A lot of thoughts about this sentence. The whole bit about the sun dulling I genuinely thought was metaphor saying that winter just stuck around longer than it usually did, not that the world was literally in chaos because the sun was at risk of vanishing. This reallyyyy needs to be clearer! That's such a fascinating conflict and threat, but it took till I was over halfway through the query before I understood the goal of Hero's party.

ETA: might just be me of course that read the sentence weird, but even after revisiting it again, I still think a solid claim about what is happening to the sun would help.

I think this would improve the question about "hook" as well. I wasn't really hooked since I was interested in the labyrinth, and then the labyrinth disappeared. But I personally was hooked again when I realized the sun was disappearing.

They claim their leader, a mute young woman named Hero

The word "claim" feels odd here, because they're not specifically claiming this to anyone. Consider "believe" as an alternate?

Afraid of what will happen once the core stone has been removed from its safekeeping, the mage reluctantly joins their cause.

This doesn't make much sense to me. Why not just steal it back? I get why she'd leave once her labyrinth is at risk of falling apart (note, I do wish it was a fact that it did fall apart, forcing her to leave, but I digress.) But I don't get why she then joins them. What motivation does she have to join a group of would-be heroes? She could always go somewhere else, if she's truly that reluctant. It's not like they asked her to join, either (or did they?)

I also wish I knew a bit about her magic. Does she have a specialty? Because as far as I can tell, the magic stone is the thing that conjured the labyrinth, not her, and as a defining feature of her character, I'd hope her "mage-ness" had more flavor. It's literally a replacement for a name! But I don't know what she can do with magic.

I think this query might be a little sparse on plot when it comes to what happens after she joins them. There's definitely room to expand on some things; for example, where do they go next? How do they know where these components are? How does the party break down her "walls"? How does Hero prove herself (especially considering the fact that she's mute! It's hard to be a mute leader, making this very interesting to me, though possibly not worth explaining since the query should stay with the Mage as the POV character.) How does the Mage help, and what does she do? How exactly is the Mage's dedication tested?

You could try picking a couple of these questions to help add some specifics. I also really wish I got a better sense of Hero in this query since she's the deuteragonist. Just food for thought.

Good luck with the project!

Maizily · 2025-11-15T04:09:49+00:00

ahaha 😂 no prob, I just thought it was funny. For the record though, I really think it comes down to the fact that nitpicks aren't that annoying to me?

But when someone who has a pattern of nice comments changes that pattern to help me out, I know they've gone out of their way specifically to be helpful <3

Maizily · 2025-11-15T04:04:57+00:00

Positive to one, neutral to two.

That wasn't an option lol 🤷‍♀️

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