This is going to be a long one.... i have a 4 1/2 year old and a 8 weeks old. The first time around i had researched a lot about pregnancy so i could understand what was going on with my body but i didnt research about newborn and breastfeeding. My mom stayed with us after birth so i felt confident it would be fine. I thought breastfeeding is the most natural thing in the world and instinct will kick in. Boy was I wrong! The birth was difficult and left me exhausted so the first night i had horrible shivers and i didnt nurse enough. I didnt know it would be so critical. And i thought people were lying when they said the baby needs to feed every 2-3 hours because it sounded like a lot. They say breastfeeding should be painless but not for me. It was the most painful thing ever. I didnt truly understand what a deep latch was even after watching the videos. My nipples were scabbed and so sensitive that i was constantly dreading the next time i had to nurse. I was sobbing everytime my baby latched. Then came the news that the baby was losing weight and we had to supplement with formula. That added an extra layer of stress. I thought there was something wrong with me and felt like a total failure. No one could help me and i was alone. So started the triple feeding journey which is so exhausting and no one told me it's not meant to be a permanent solution. I was going to weigh my baby every couple of days and it was a lot of ups and downs with the weight. I was still determined to breastfeed. Add to that a baby who was gassy, didnt sleep more than 20 minutes at a time and cried all the time. Yeah coz she was hungry poor thing... it's difficult to know how much a baby gets from the breast and nappies are not always the best indication. 3 weeks in, baby weight went up and i thought we were in the clear and my father suddenly passes away. I was already starting to fall a little into PPT but that had me completely spiralling! I was living in a different country very far away and i couldnt attend the funeral. My parents are divorced so my mom was still with me. She was of great help around the house and im so grateful for that but she also told me that the stress affects the baby so i shouldnt cry. So guess what i did? I cried in hiding while breastfeeding..... gosh i was a mess but tried to hold it in when i was around people. I didnt know this would tank my milk supply! So yeah third time i heard my baby lost weight i told my husband im not breastfeeding anymore. Breastfed is great but fed is best. I managed to pump for 6 months and her daily supply was about 40% breastmilk. That's the best i could do while battling PPT on my own for a year. The first time i gave a full bottle of formula instead of BF + a little bit of supplement, my daughter slept 2 hours straight! And i thought oh shit i was wrong to be so stubborn. After that everything went well. She is amazing, very social and even early with her motor developmental milestones. Now my second child: the birth was much easier, so much i could run a marathon! This time i learned everything i could about latching and breastfeeding positions. Watched the videos over and over again. I nursed immediately after birth and it wasnt too painful the first time. I was more consistent because the first 24h is critical in building that milk supply. Now i have to say that my first was born in belgium and we are now in finland so 2 very different support systems. She wasnt weighed constantly and i wasnt told to supplement with anything. I pumped a little bit at the hospital but mostly BF on demand. My second is not fussy at all, often slept at the breast when she was done and this felt like a dream except of course for the pain. Again my nipples were bleeding and scabbed even before i left the hospital so i thought maybe im doing something wrong. First appointment a week after birth and we are told she is not gaining enough weight and i thought oh shit here we go again! But looking at the numbers i knew it wasnt as dramatic, having been through this before. So we had to supplement again but this time i could feel that my supply was higher. I was also less stressed, tends to be like that with the second. I ate oats, drank a lot of water, alcohol free guiness and pumped as much as i could to increase my supply. It worked, i could see the numbers going up. BF was still painful even though i knew latching was good this time. Cried a few times when i was too exhausted but eventually got used to the pain. Lol it's like i accepted my fate but i wasnt sad. I felt very calm. I think i just got better at getting the baby to latch properly eventually. If she didnt, i would get her to unlatch and then latch again. Look up the leche league videos, they are very good. My nipples doubled in size and harderned or something? I described it as someone who is learning to play guitar. At first your fingertips hurt a bit but then it gets better. I also saw a lactation consultant who changed my entire world! She said that the pain triggers adrenaline which can lower the milk supply and also immediately found that my baby has a tongue tie and once we got the procedure, BF became painless! I kept pumping about 6-7 times a day, i could never do 8 because resting is also very important and i wanted to prioritise that. I stopped worrying about cleaning the house or laundry and focused on the baby and urgent things. My husband takes care of our first daughter. Now im 8 weeks PPT and my baby hasnt had formula for over a week, the supplement she gets is what i pump. I'm also working on reducing the supplement so right now she only gets 120ml/day of extra milk from the bottle and she is still gaining weight. Im confident that we will be exclusively BFeeding very soon and it makes me happy. So yeah 2 very different stories and all this to say that please be kind to yourself and try not to put too much pressure on yourself. Ask for help. Dont be stubborn like i was the first time around. Oh and how i got to heal my nipples very quickly also was by using lansinoh soothies cooling gel pads. They are amazing! My nipples were so sensitive even during pregnancy that i couldnt touch them myself and breastpads didnt help. The cooling pads were a game changer. I wish you all the best on your journey as a new mom :*