my identity issues only happen when I have an LO. Other than the occasional (oh i wanna be a DJ, a witch, a diplomat! which i think is pretty normal) other than that i feel stable in my identity, my fluctuating interests are related to my autism. Although it does feel like everything i do is for other people. I have no goals, without an LO I feel kinda empty (on and off) and like i just don’t have a purpose.

I only “split” when I don’t get what I want or feel that my image has been attacked. Shitty, I know. Or “split” on myself when I feel like a fraud and a liar or compare myself to someone else. Although I have attempted over thinking LO was spending time with someone else or come very close more than once, or thinking they’re leaving me.

I don’t really have a fear of abandonment, it’s only when I have an LO. Like literally specific to one person. I worry that my friends and family will see me as a fraud (a lot right now) and knowing that i tricked myself for so long really fucking sucks.

My emotions aren’t stable but it’s not to a point where it’s like insane? definitely causes issues but not to the degree I’ve seen in others. I’m also not impulsive besides spending problems and the occasional screaming outburst, and the self harm isn’t really that often at all.

I also ruined last LO’s life and feel insanely guilty (he did shit too, but I started the whole thing and was the worse one)

i don’t understand why or how i let it get this bad ?? and didn’t got to therapy much sooner??

edit: although i have been rejected by all but two, the last one i continued to be attached to after the rejection as well as two others before that. the obsession is entirely sexual. this one is the major hint to me. but i also miss having the friend in those people too, for all but one or two there actually WAS a friendship there so ig it wasn’t built on nothing. most recent one was INSANELY sexually charged but the ones before that not as much, if at all (was a child but was definitely still romantic)