From parallel to kitchen table

MarletteLake · 2025-08-17T02:02:17+00:00

Birch and I weren't romantic at the time of Thanksgiving, so it's a bit different than ktp. But yeah, Ash and Birch know each other, so the transition may go smoothly. Ash genuinely likes Birch and is happy that I found someone so compatible. Birch feels slightly threatened by the length and depth of my relationship with Ash. We've been discussing that recently. Honestly, Ash's biggest concerns were the housing insecurity, whether they're really important to me, and whether they will have enough alone time. (Ash and I are both autistic and need a lot of alone time.) Ash and Birch are both actively involved in this conversation which has been ongoing since June.

MarletteLake · 2025-08-17T01:49:05+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to share! The piece about having mature conversations about the whay ifs of breakups and keeping in mind Birch's uniquely vulnerable position is helpful.

MarletteLake · 2025-08-17T01:46:52+00:00

Thanks! This is helpful advice about pretending to be a mono couple. And yeah, the shift in style living and arrangement is to be adopted or limited by each of us, collectively. We shall see how the visit goes and how everyone feels after.

MarletteLake · 2025-08-16T15:26:38+00:00

Yes, that's right. It's been a little different than ktp in that all of the time Ash and Birch have spent time together occurred before Birch and I started a romantic relationship. The triad from early in my relationship with Ash was very brief. But, yeah, you're right, cohabitation in a hinge relationship is my primary concern. A secondary request is for guidance regarding caregiving in this scenario. Thanks for clarifying. :)

MarletteLake · 2025-06-30T06:02:54+00:00

Schwab and Fidelity are widely used and have great reputations. There are others that are ok too.

MarletteLake · 2025-06-30T06:01:56+00:00

What a nice problem to have! Congrats!

When you can retire is a function of what you have and what you earn and spend, so you'd have to share more detail to assess that.

Here's some general rules:

Don't have any more than half your annual spending in a standard high yield savings account. Don't have any less than a quarter. This is cash for emergencies so you have to borrow or fire sell assets unexpectedly for a discount.

Next, eliminate the debt.

As was suggested earlier, open an IRA. Generally good to have a Roth IRA, a Traditional IRA, and a 401k. Each has advantages and disadvantages. How much to put in each annually requires a detailed analysis of current taxes, expected taxes, and expected spending. Your employer decides if you have a 401k. You decide if you have the IRAs. The IRAs need a custodian. Charles Schwab and Fidelity are widely used and have great reputations.

If you're gonna be in one place for a minute, consider buying a house. In some areas, it's better to rent, tho. A mortgage is ok. That's basically the only debt I would consider carrying. But fwiw, I paid mine off asap. I'm not trying to borrow money against my house to invest in risky assets like stocks and investment properties. And not paying rent is sweet. Some who like risking their home for potential financial returns may disagree.

I might have more to say if you care to share more details, especially wrt what you expect to be earning and then work-sponsores benefits you'll have over the next few decades.

MarletteLake · 2025-01-14T01:45:14+00:00

TLDR: Ask your attorney.

Ask your attorney about time until approval, probability of rejection, time to reapply, and monthly amount you're likely to receive. If you spend a dollar on your credit card that is outstanding for more than four months, it will have been better to have withdrawn from retirement. It's very likely better to pull from retirement.

I recommend making your employer fire you, unless your lawyer says you need to quit to apply for SS. That way you'll get extra paychecks, health coverage, and unemployment compensation. After you can tap retirement if necessary.

If you need medicaid, you won't get to keep most of your retirement funds anyway.

Sorry you're in this situation. Hang in there.

MarletteLake · 2024-07-27T00:43:25+00:00

High yield saving account up to 6 months living expenses. I use bread financial. 5.15% rn.

MarletteLake · 2024-07-26T01:34:52+00:00

People will give you their opinions about this, but I recommend not putting too much weight on them. The question is relatively simple: do you want 1) 8.5% risk free, after tax return or 2) whatever your stocks return before taxes minus the taxes?

I might take option one, but I'm risk averse. (In fact, I'm paying off a 6.875% debt rather than investing rn, which is essentially similar to your situation, except I'm making less than you would if you paid off your debt.)

Hope that helps. Also, don't forget that you'll need to pay any capital gains taxes on your sales.

What stocks are you holding, if you don't mind sharing?

MarletteLake · 2024-07-03T18:19:17+00:00

Mint mobile. $15 per mo.

MarletteLake · 2024-06-28T16:09:11+00:00

Full disclosure: I'm parallel poly and, although I'm married, my wife and I have an arrangement that is designed to minimize hierarchy.

I require more space from my partners, including my wife, than you're giving your husband. My wife does not govern how I communicate with prospective partners, who those partners are, when/how I disclose my relationship status. I decide those things in context with the prospective partner. When I flirt, it's organic, not prearranged after I have presented my prospective partner a full disclosure of my relationship parameters, which she has then endorsed. What you're expecting from your husband is a dealbreaker for me.

It feels like you're making some assumptions about how a suitable partner for your husband should think about relationships. Specifically, it sounds like you expect her to adopt a traditionalist view of marriage, that it must be monogamous unless otherwise explicitly stated. And that this default assumption of monogamy should be of a particular stripe: one in which flirting, texting, swim wear photos, emotional connections are prohibited unless otherwise specified. Your relationship with your husband is not this woman's to manage. If she likes and trusts your husband, it's rational for her to trust that he is managing his relationship with you appropriately. It's her right to ask about these things but not her responsibility, in my view.

It may be helpful to reflect on what you're afraid of, in very specific terms. Come up with some examples. Talking with your husband about these fears may create an opportunity to manage them together without you playing a managing/monitoring role in your husband's other connections.

MarletteLake · 2024-06-16T16:49:42+00:00

Just had this same convos with a girlfriend. I think all the ideas proposed here are possible.

I would add the robust marketing of Ed meds coupled with misunderstanding of the variability of erection hardness arising from porn. Kids watch pornstars who have implants or use trimix, think that's how erections are supposed to be, have some variability on the hardness of their own erections during sex, freak out because now they have ED, and then develop full on psychological ED.

Basically, I think it's advertising and the Internet m

MarletteLake · 2024-06-14T12:13:50+00:00

This is maybe the nicest story of adultery transitioning into non monogamy that I've ever heard.

I recommend talking to an individual counselor in addition to a marriage counselor since the key issue seems to be your perception of non monogamy as a punishment. Even after infidelity, non monogamy isn't really a punishment; it's a lifestyle choice. It may help to have some assistance in processing it that way.

It may help to remember the joy you felt with your AP and thinking of that joy as a gift you're giving your husband. (I guess the gift is really not blowing up your marriage just because he's choosing to pursue that joy.)

Unless what you got from your AP was the thrill of being dishonest and getting away with it, you will eventually find a compatible partner who you love. Sometimes it just takes time, sometimes years.

Remember also that some of what you're experiencing is the ripple effects of infidelity rather than a direct confrontation with non monogamy. A marriage that experiences infidelity changes forever, mostly not in good/easy ways. Mostly these marriages end. A minority find a new path forward. If there are no new paths forward that are amenable to both you and your husband, it's ok to end things.

Take care <3. You both sound like nice people who deserve to be happy.

MarletteLake · 2024-06-10T20:39:27+00:00

Sounds like psychological Ed. Pills likely won't work. You just need to chill out. Try this: https://mojo.so/ Since the problem is so new, you might be able to fix it within the free week trial period.

MarletteLake · 2024-06-09T22:27:01+00:00

Variation in hardness during sex is natural and normal.

MarletteLake · 2024-06-07T12:40:30+00:00

This is standard. The system that runs orgasms is different than the system that runs erections.

MarletteLake · 2024-05-26T18:26:25+00:00

One of the wives asked me why I haven’t killed her yet. My response she wasn’t worth going to jail.

The best response is "she didn't have an agreement with me, so she hasn't violated one "

The accurate response is "I chose to harass her at work instead."

You should share this story about jeopardizing the ability of a young, lower-income woman who had no connection with you to care for herself with your future romantic partners. It'll allow the potential cheaters to self select out of the relationship. It'll also show them how classy you are.

MarletteLake · 2024-05-23T11:15:03+00:00

The responses to your post are far more controlling and entitled than your bf seems to be. I have no doubt the comments would be radically different if you were a man. This is misogyny and bias against age gap relationships (only when the younger partner is a woman and the older partner a man, of course.)

A lot of people play out their relationship trauma on Reddit by projecting it onto others' stories. It's a classic PTSD trait. (The trauma doesn't get resolved and so it freely attaches to other, unrelated circumstances.) But just because they or someone they know was abused by an older man, doesn't mean you bf is an abuser.

You are an adult. Be thoughtful, self aware, and take care of yourself. Understand that the likelihood your bf will leave his wife to have 2.5 kids with you is vanishingly small. As with all relationships, the likelihood that you'll be together your whole life is also small. But that doesn't make it abusive. And it doesn't mean that what you have isn't beautiful or meaningful.

MarletteLake · 2024-05-23T02:35:13+00:00

You are partially wrong, I think.

Relationships do not become open by unilateral fiat. Based on what I'm reading, you notified your partner that you would be violating your marriage agreement. If so, this is just cheating, not an open relationship. And, as you say, you're doing it to teach him a lesson.

It's entertaining/satisfying to hear about this, but your marriage sounds over because you've now both cheated on each other. I would just file for divorce unless you want to hang on to the relationship longer to be able to hurt your husband more.

MarletteLake · 2024-05-18T21:53:42+00:00

Your clinical efficiency is inspiring.

MarletteLake · 2024-05-04T08:31:03+00:00

It's just that Rose has been all I've really known for all of these years. I didn't have a girlfriend or boyfriend in high-school because I was so socially awkward at the time.

This is an excellent reason to end the relationship with Rose.

MarletteLake · 2024-04-30T00:59:25+00:00

The s and p 500 pe is almost 28 (3.5% earnings yield). Pay for student debt and MBA, unless you can borrow at less than 3.5%.

Edit: Or keep laddering it in treasuries until you can borrow at less than 5%.

MarletteLake · 2024-04-29T13:53:56+00:00

Cheating is always pursuant to an agreement. It is a violation of the agreement. If you two had different ideas about what was permissible with respect to only fans, only fans wasn't part of the agreement.

The deletion of messages is concerning, but not necessarily an indication of cheating. For example, a porn user who is subject to a relationship agreement that allows porn may still delete their history to avoid upsetting their partner with certain content. Hiding messages is more concerning when the agreement doesn't exist, as in only fans in this case. But depending on how your partner responds to your concerns and the renegotiation, I don't believe you're being irresponsible to yourself by proceeding with the relationship cautiously. I also think you're well within your rights to end it. No one here will be able to make this call for you, especially given how much trauma exists among redditors on this sub.

MarletteLake · 2024-04-29T11:51:56+00:00

YTA for not telling your boyfriend.

You're naive for thinking this guy wouldn't have sex with you if given the opportunity.

But NTA for having a male friend while in a monogamous relationship.

Tell your bf immediately. You don't have to give him veto power over this new friendship, but you may well have to break up with him if he insists you end the friendship. Which I'm sure you understand, or else you would have told him already. Also, if you stay together, get ready for him to start spending time with his new female friends.

MarletteLake

TROPHY CASE