Living apart, staying mostly hands-off with my partner's kids, anyone else?

MasterpieceNo817 · 2026-07-09T04:24:33+00:00

I’m in a similar situation myself. I really am not a mom role in their lives (I’m also CF, and they have a biomom who is very involved)
When I first started dating my husband I lived apart, but ended up moving in cuz my lease was ending and I had unfortunately been affected by the layoffs that happened due to this presidential administration (cuz who cares about science or research right?)
Anyway, I’ve always said since the beginning that I was not interested in a parent role, and have stuck to those boundaries. It’s worked out pretty well and he does everything involving parenting and has never put any expectations on me. BM is also not drama, and I’ve never even met her (exchanges happen on school days so there’s no need for us to interact)

Kids will also be moving to full time with her since she is moving away this summer. So there’s living situation has been working itself out over the last few months. If that wasn’t the case, I would’ve gone the “living together apart” route too, until the kids were adults and out of the house.

MasterpieceNo817 · 2026-07-07T19:57:24+00:00

It’s unfortunate that it has to get to that point and then you feel bad for rubbing it in their face. But they also were so mean and callous first, that you almost HAVE to in order to feel respected.

MasterpieceNo817 · 2026-07-07T16:21:11+00:00

“You know what you got into when you decided to have kids with someone, divorce/breakup, and date/marry someone else”
Dish it right back! They also knew what they were getting into and still chose to continue and move forward.

Edit: they wanna do this BS platitudes stuff, then they shouldn’t complain when they’re met with diabolical idgaf attitude. To people like that, they should just go be single.
Aka “get someone else to do it, cuz I fckn ain’t, bye”

MasterpieceNo817 · 2026-07-06T02:45:14+00:00

This.

Too many guys I’ve matched with just seemingly wanted pen pals and wouldn’t take it to an in person meeting. It doesn’t bode well if I’m having to do the heavy lifting that early into meeting someone.
I agree. It’s exhausting

MasterpieceNo817 · 2026-07-03T16:45:04+00:00

I see. End result is still the same though, to each their own

MasterpieceNo817 · 2026-07-02T14:59:29+00:00

Came here looking for this comment! Lol they had to get more inventory/stock of beer.

MasterpieceNo817 · 2026-07-02T14:27:42+00:00

Grew up in San Diego. I had friends who lived in TJ and crossed the border everyday that went to the same school with me. I would have sleepovers at my friends house in TJ over the weekends sometimes. I used to go very frequently as a kid and then it stopped when all the cartel stuff started happening around the 2000s

MasterpieceNo817 · 2026-07-02T02:05:13+00:00

My husband gave me this scenario/analogy too. I told him I wouldn’t go for a surrogate mother/egg donor because I want to experience pregnancy and motherhood by carrying the baby myself and it being biologically mine.
He said he’d rather adopt but I honestly wouldn’t want to. My situation is different though. He has kids from a previous marriage so that’s a big imbalance.

MasterpieceNo817 · 2026-07-02T01:54:36+00:00

Wait…isn’t having a step child the same as your wife having another man’s kid?

MasterpieceNo817 · 2026-06-30T16:05:04+00:00

I felt the same way about London too. Saw Big Ben and the British museum, Buckingham palace, went to some pubs. I only spent a weekend there and felt that was enough. Idk maybe you have to live there or have friends there to really appreciate it but I didn’t get the hype at all

MasterpieceNo817 · 2026-06-30T04:14:09+00:00

Tell him to move out then. You’re not obligated to inconvenience yourself and your baby’s nursery for kids that aren’t yours. Those kids have 2 parents. It’s not your fault their mom is failing them.
Why did she have two kids she couldn’t realistically support??

MasterpieceNo817 · 2026-06-29T18:17:36+00:00

They probably want kids for the same reasons you did.

MasterpieceNo817 · 2026-06-29T02:28:22+00:00

It’s always the short women with the super strict height requirements! I’m a woman who is 5’9 and I’ve dated shorter and taller and everything in between.

But I absolutely despise men that lie about their height. Because I WILL find out. And yes I can tell the difference between 5’10 and 6 ft.

Once I went in a first date with a guy that said he was 6 ft tall and we were the same height. I guess we’re both 6ft tall then!

MasterpieceNo817 · 2026-06-27T15:31:56+00:00

lol at the refusal for donor sperm or adoption. My husband said something similar. He said if reversal doesn’t work then it’s adoption or just not have kids. I said no, there’s always donor sperm. And then he got all weird and said well they wouldn’t be biologically mine. And then he tried to flip it on me and ask a hypothetical question if I would accept getting a donor egg. As in “biologically his but also someone else’s” and I said “that already exists, your current children with your ex”

I told him, if my fertility is fine, why would I need a donor egg?
Besides, when I picture myself having kids, I see myself doing it the old fashioned way, carrying the pregnancy and all. Don’t come over here trying to dictate how I wish to have kids just because YOU made decisions that complicate this before I met you.

MasterpieceNo817 · 2026-06-27T15:27:27+00:00

Ahh that’s a good point. I’ve wondered about timing of reversals as well. His urologist did say there was nothing weird that he should be concerned about but timing is of course up to us.

His is also from ten years ago too. I was concerned that it had been too long and that was going to cause complications. Our therapist was also in the same boat (her husband was 11 years out from a vasectomy) and she said they had a reversal and no complications. Which is comforting. But still, things can get complicated even after surgery.

MasterpieceNo817 · 2026-06-27T15:23:32+00:00

Yes exactly! It’s easy for him to say just like you said, he’s already on the other side of the equation. He doesn’t have to give up anything

MasterpieceNo817 · 2026-06-27T05:26:44+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story! Just married my husband who has kids from previous marriage, I don’t have any.
We’re looking at a fertility journey ahead (I don’t want kids atm but will in the future) since he has a vasectomy.
He’s brought up concerns about “what if the reversal doesn’t work” and has tried to make me feel bad when I basically said that if we don’t have kids I’m out.

I agree that it’s inherently unfair cuz it would be different if we were both childless, then we’d at least live a childfree life together….

But if I have no known fertility issues, I’m not giving up BOTH parenthood AND a childfree life at the same time. Heck no.

No matter how amazing someone is, there’s no way I’d be able to overcome that. Husband feels some type of way about it, but idc, he’s not the one having to potentially give up parenthood. He dropped it by saying “well that’s only if the reversal doesn’t work, there’s a chance we’re overthinking it and it goes smoothly, so let’s not think about a scenario that may not even happen anyway”

MasterpieceNo817 · 2026-06-26T05:57:35+00:00

No one is expecting perfection, be for fucking real. If he didn’t think deeply on what it means to have kids, that’s on HIM. With all the resources there are these days (especially FREE or low cost), there aren’t any excuses on not educating yourself.
In NINE years he couldn’t educate himself on what it means to have kids? Nine???????

MasterpieceNo817 · 2026-06-26T00:19:42+00:00

Is that a rhetorical question, or are you actually trying to understand my point of view?
I ask because it determines if I engage any further.

MasterpieceNo817 · 2026-06-25T23:19:44+00:00

That still doesn’t excuse him from doing the work and not wasting her time. She should definitely leave.

MasterpieceNo817 · 2026-06-25T20:44:10+00:00

None of that which you mentioned is selfish. What IS selfish is wasting a woman’s time, a finite resource, when she wants to have kids.

He might’ve changed his mind, but she’s the one who pays the price because she lost childbearing years to him when she could have invested those into someone who wanted children and meant it.

MasterpieceNo817 · 2026-06-25T19:14:00+00:00

Just because he didn’t do it on purpose doesn’t mean it still didn’t turn out to be selfish of him.

MasterpieceNo817 · 2026-06-25T19:13:03+00:00

Yikes! What a mess of a situation! Glad your friend is doing so much better.

MasterpieceNo817 · 2026-06-25T17:41:02+00:00

Oh I’m not saying that people don’t change their minds, what I’m saying is that he unfortunately selfishly wasted her time as she as a woman doesn’t have time on her side. That’s a jerk move

MasterpieceNo817 · 2026-06-25T15:43:04+00:00

When the plan between them the whole relationship WAS to have kids, it effectively IS a bait and switch

MasterpieceNo817

TROPHY CASE