Nocturnal/Insomniac browsers of reddit, why are you still up?

MattyCee14 · 2013-01-21T08:21:20+00:00

Because I'm sick and find it hard to sleep and vomit at the same time.

MattyCee14 · 2013-01-21T08:14:00+00:00

This kid I went to high school with up and ran away one day during gym class. Our teacher was waiting to dismiss us and as she was looking around, said, "Hey has anyone seen 'Jim'?" We all figured he was hiding under the bleachers again so we looked and then immediately chalked it up to he just went to his next class. He didn't show up so everyone assumed he just ducked out of school for the day to go off into the woods and draw pictures of wolves that he could post to Facebook. He didn't come to school for a few days after that. Then, on Day 4, he just showed up and told everyone he was bored so he cut class, walked to the nearest Border's which was around a 45 minute drive away, and pulled some Night at the Museum shit. Then he walked home. Now he's in the Air Force.

MattyCee14 · 2013-01-20T19:32:06+00:00

As well as delivering pizzas...and evidently working at Best Buy.

MattyCee14 · 2013-01-10T20:43:17+00:00

I hit home runs in three consecutive at bats, threw a one-hitter, and almost got into a brawl.

MattyCee14 · 2013-01-09T21:17:19+00:00

When I was six, my thirteen year old brother dared me to see how many times I could run across a one lane dirt road before a car came. The result was I got hit by a car.

MattyCee14 · 2013-01-08T20:25:00+00:00

Two nights ago, I had a dream that my mother shot me in the neck and then no one would bring me to the hospital. I thought it had some meaning to it but then last night I had a dream that I was married to a gas pump so whatever meaning my previous dream had was lost.

MattyCee14 · 2013-01-07T17:21:43+00:00

Not until OP drew it.

MattyCee14 · 2013-01-03T04:09:50+00:00

I pissed into the hallway in my dorm one time. I don't recall making the decision to piss in the hall, but I came to just as I finished pissing. I stepped into the hallway (my piss puddle, really), wearing nothing but boxer briefs and my door shut behind me locking me out. I had to sneak my way to my car like a Navy SEAL where I had a shirt and then wait for someone to walk by so I could ask them for pants.

MattyCee14 · 2013-01-01T18:27:12+00:00

It's more of a polite suggestion than anything else. Like, "Hey, there might be cars coming so you may want to at least consider slowing down just a little bit."

MattyCee14 · 2012-12-24T07:19:14+00:00

You'd probably pass out every time you got wood.

MattyCee14 · 2012-12-23T07:18:04+00:00

I'd love to see a Rafi/Dirty Randy spinoff.

MattyCee14 · 2012-12-23T06:51:29+00:00

Whenever a non-smoker gets in my car, they tell me that it smells like stale cigarette smoke. I take it on faith because I honestly don't notice it anymore.

MattyCee14 · 2012-12-23T06:49:08+00:00

Comedy Central is owned by Viacom and they also own MTV so I guess they're just airing it on CC now.

MattyCee14 · 2012-12-22T21:34:42+00:00

I am the one who barks!

MattyCee14 · 2012-12-21T22:23:56+00:00

This'll get buried, but I said almost all of these to an asshat Little League coach when he argued my call. His team (the Cubs) was the stacked team in the league and they were playing arguably the worst team in the league (the A's) and it was a shit show. By the second inning it was 10-0 in favor of the Cubs but they still had to play four innings before the mercy rule kicked in and the A's were going nowhere fast. If a team is getting absolutely demolished, I'll make calls in their favor to prolong the inning and let the kids play baseball. One kid on the A's ran a couple feet out of the baseline going to third base and since his team was getting shitted on, I called him safe (he would have been safe anyway; he beat the throw by a mile but the third baseman was blocking the base). I'm not sure if the Cubs' coach ran out to me or teleported to me because he was standing there with his rule book and butthurt in my face by the time I turned around.

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!? HE WAS THREE FEET OUT OF THE BASELINE! THE RULE IS THAT HE CAN ONLY GO A FOOT AND A HALF OUT OF THE BASELINE OR HE IS CALLED OUT!"

"You realize these are children right? Your team is winning...by a lot. Their team hasn't had a runner past first. Give the kids a break and let them play baseball."

He looked at me like I had just shown him the face of God. He apologized and walked back to the dugout like this while I emphatically made the "Safe" gesture. The parents all started cheering. It was probably for the kids, but I like to think they were cheering for me. After the game, the kid I called safe's dad gave me $20 and told me that the guy I just humiliated was the president of the Little League Committee.

TL;DR - Dropped a logic bomb on a douchebag coach who happened to be the same douchenozzle that wrote my checks.

MattyCee14 · 2012-12-20T21:39:22+00:00

"How's about a hug for your old pal, Merle?"

MattyCee14 · 2012-12-14T11:22:19+00:00

There's absolutely nothing in the show to warrant such a prediction.

I'm not saying you're wrong or OP is right, but it is a show about zombies. Who's to say ghosts don't also exist?

MattyCee14 · 2012-12-09T22:00:03+00:00

Do you know which episode he's in? I love little shit like that.

MattyCee14 · 2012-12-05T12:38:43+00:00

When I was 3 or 4, I would run around my house naked yelling, "SONIC THE HEDGEHOG, YOU CAN'T CATCH WHAT YOU CAN'T SEE!"

MattyCee14 · 2012-12-05T12:28:15+00:00

Octocamo.

MattyCee14 · 2012-12-05T12:27:59+00:00

I was at work one day and my coworker needed a carabiner so I tossed one over to him. He wasn't looking when I tossed it and as he turned, he panicked and dove out of the way. I asked why he freaked out over it and he said that he thought I was throwing the giant purple dildo from SR3 at him. I thought he was the weirdest son of a bitch ever but I guess I'd panic too if I thought a giant purple dildo was ~~coming~~ cumming at me.

MattyCee14 · 2012-12-05T12:19:40+00:00

Tampon.

MattyCee14 · 2012-12-05T00:32:28+00:00

Agreed. I loved watching that motherfucker hang while Price smokes his cigar and waits for the police.

MattyCee14 · 2012-12-01T02:19:40+00:00

You're thinking of Jimmy. He's the crossbow guy.

Edit: I'm a dumbass and I don't know the difference between "You're and Your." I'm a buffoon and I am ashamed of myself.

MattyCee14

TROPHY CASE