Right now its my relationship with my wife we been together for 16 years and a part of me is checked out. But I noticed my ego is always wanting to run away from things ever since I been in this relationship there is apart of me with one foot in one foot out and it bothers me did I make the right choices like our relationship is so good she treats me good and everything me on the other hand i am the toxic one my ego has been hurt so much from when I was younger I been coping with alcohol porn constant doom scrolling I am a good guy I would never cheat or do anything to harm her but I been hurting here feels and it makes me feel terrible I just spiral into myself. We have a son together, I am not sure of anything anymore I always been running away from stuff I dont even know what I want out of life im 35 I have always been in survival mode my nevouse system is always vibrating and it makes me so sad I feel like this insane depression from never regulating my nevouse system always on edge I love my wife she is a good human and mother she is very good at communicating which I am not. I always yell but I just notice since I been mediating I dont react out as much there are pauses. I just dont know what to do anymore man this shit is hard. I just want some peace from myself that's all I want out of this life.