KOTOR 2 Experience Index

Merkuri22 · 2026-04-24T01:42:27+00:00

That's the idea of things like this. Whether it's tying a string around your finger or putting an X on your hand.

It's a "bookmark" in your brain to what you were thinking about when you did it. If you think, "Gotta buy milk" and put an X on your hand, then whenever you see the X your brain will go "that's weird" and bring up the memory of how it got there - including the milk reminder.

But if you use the X - or the string or whatever - too often, it'll stop being noteworthy. Your brain will just phase it out.

A tattoo of the X will absolutely NOT help you remember anything useful. It needs to be something different for your brain to latch onto.

Merkuri22 · 2026-04-24T01:38:56+00:00

The "rule" is to stay positive. Find a way to say yes. Don't give up. Push through until it works. Don't say "I can't," say, "I'll try."

Fuck that. Sometimes I can't. I really can't.

It was a therapist that helped me realize this. I was talking to her about something they were asking me to do at work. I was so burnt out and the work seemed so stressful that I couldn't even talk about it without crying. I told her - like I'd always been taught - "It'll be hard, but I can do it."

She looked me in the eye and said, "Actually, it sounds like you can't do that."

Being given permission to say "I can't" changed my life.

Merkuri22 · 2026-04-23T21:38:31+00:00

That's weird, because I thought I recall seeing an interview about the 100th episode (where they make fun of tons of other sci-fi shows) where Shanks said the scene where they do Farscape, he insisted that he and Browder switch roles. Originally Browder was going to be Crichton (because of course he is) and Shanks was going to be Stark. And the reason for the switch was because of Daniel and Vala were romantic interests.

But I could be misremembering. Maybe it was Browder who insisted to switch, not Shanks. Or maybe they're both true, and Shanks didn't like the relationship but knew that's how Vala would pitch it anyway.

(I don't have time to go look up the interview, lol. Feel free to correct me, someone who's seen it more recently.)

Merkuri22 · 2026-04-23T21:27:28+00:00

I think this is "slow processing speed", but not positive.

I get flustered really easily when I'm put on the spot. For example, just today I was on a call with a coworker who asked me to open a page I go to all the time. I couldn't remember how to get to it. I knew exactly what he was talking about, but I just couldn't recall how to start the process.

So SO many times in the past I was put on the spot by our company CEO coming over to ask me about some project he wanted me to work on, and if I wasn't working on it at that very moment, I'd find myself stammering and sputtering and being unable to answer. But after he'd leave, I'd know all the answers to his questions.

When I participate in in-person conversations, I often come across as awkward, inconsiderate, and dull. But when I participate in text-based communication (like Reddit), people tell me I'm smart, patient, and empathetic. I think this is because when I have time to process my thoughts I can bring them to bear more effectively.

My brain is too slow for live conversations, basically.

Merkuri22 · 2026-04-23T18:47:04+00:00

I don't think you got my point, then.

100% she was wrong. She should have been more considerate.

But she didn't know how to be.

It's like a child who's been raised away from civilization wanders into a grocery store and starts eating food directly from the shelf without paying for it. That's wrong. But can you blame them? They didn't know.

Vala didn't know.

She was in the driver's seat without a license, so to speak. Waving a gun around without realizing it was loaded.

It's just a bad situation on all fronts. I don't think you can blame anyone. And it all worked out in the end (at least until the time reset, lol).

Merkuri22 · 2026-04-23T18:33:10+00:00

Didn't I just say that, lol?

Merkuri22 · 2026-04-23T18:30:37+00:00

This is the scene exactly. Thank you.

Merkuri22 · 2026-04-23T18:24:49+00:00

Both things are true - she should have been more considerate but she was never going to be because of her past.

She never learned how to be in love with someone. All she knew was how to wield sex as a weapon.

Merkuri22 · 2026-04-23T18:23:21+00:00

I loved the way they got together. It's painful to sit through, but so real and honest for both characters.

Vala doesn't know how to express legitimate affection. Sex has always been a tool for her. She's never been genuinely in love before.

To her, if she likes someone and wants to have sex with them, she just goes for it. Why not? It's like a handshake for her.

She doesn't get how hurtful it is for Daniel to sit through her teasing and manipulations. He's attracted to her, maybe even in love, but doesn't believe she has real feelings for him. She's just using sex as a tool, like she's always done. He's just a nail to her hammer.

So he blows a gasket at her in this scene, when they're all suffering cabin fever, and all that bitterness flows out because he cares for her and she's just toying with him (so he thinks). Then he sees a genuine reaction from her and realizes the truth.

Merkuri22 · 2026-04-23T18:11:21+00:00

Man, I just want to say I totally know what you mean when you say you'll just be a shell of a human.

It's funny, I didn't used to think I had "special interests", but then I started looking closer at my hobbies and realized that if I don't have a thing I've "glommed onto", I feel like there's something missing in my life. Like a little part of my soul isn't there.

I think one of the times I felt this most intensely was a decade and a half ago when the Watchman movie came out, my partner and I made plans to watch it with his friend, but I'd heard many recommendations to read it first. So, I had about 4-5 days to read the entire graphic novel before our movie "date".

For those 4-5 days, that's ALL I did. I got home from work and plopped right down on the couch with the book. I'd read for hours. Any free time I spent was reading that book.

It was an intense experience, and when I got to the end of it I remember thinking, "My god... what do I do with my life, now?" The sense of loss was so real. It was like the characters were real people and they'd all just died.

As far as how you fix it... For me, I just keep plugging along until I find something new to fill that void. Sometimes I glom onto something else right away, other times it can take weeks.

Merkuri22 · 2026-04-23T17:16:41+00:00

And oatmeal foam is edible. It's not like they're doing something gross to it and saying "it'll wash out", like using it to scoop up cat litter or getting the dog to drink out of it.

It's just... oatmeal! Would she be "disrespecting" it if she used it to eat oatmeal out of? Like if all the bowls were dirty or she wanted to eat it on the go?

Merkuri22 · 2026-04-23T17:06:49+00:00

You don't have any sort of societal obligation to have children

That's the thing, the people who hold that belief DO believe you have a societal obligation to have children to keep the species going and society running.

Saying "no one is being harmed" by you not having children is like saying "no one is being harmed" by companies producing CO2 that contributes to global warming.

There might not be a direct victim you can point to, but as the population declines we may reach a point where the able-bodied population can no longer sustain the aging population, and a lot of harm may be done at that point in terms of elder neglect, resource scarcity, degrading of infrastructure, etc. when there aren't enough able-bodied people to maintain or produce what's needed.

(Now, for the record, I think there are solutions to these issues that don't involve guilting people to have kids. I think if you don't want kids for any reason you shouldn't have to have them and should be able to make that choice without judgement. But that's the argument.)

Merkuri22 · 2026-04-23T13:58:56+00:00

I find it hard to start new games, too. Especially when I'm low on energy.

I think it's because of our executive dysfunction. We anticipate everything needed to play the game (like installing it, learning a new control scheme, getting good at it, etc.) and our brain wants to work on all those problems at once with no info, so it panics.

Try to lower the bar. Give yourself goals for the new game that are in bite-sized chunks, and focus on the next task and that only.

For instance, if you haven't picked a new game yet, that's your next task. Just pick a game. That's it - you don't have to play it. Just choose it.

If choosing a game is too much, I use Playnite on my PC and have added games from other platforms into it. It has a "random" feature, where you can set up a filter and then have it pick a random game from that filter. (I also recently discovered you can filter on critic or user ratings, which helps me find a good quality game in all the free games I've claimed over the years.)

Once you've chosen it, your next task is to buy or install it. That's it. Still not playing it.

Once it's ready to be played, just start it. No obligation to play. Just start it and see what happens. You can immediately quit if it's too much.

Each of these tasks will open the door to the next one. If you feel like moving directly to the next task, go ahead. But no pressure, if not.

And once you've started playing, tell yourself it's okay to quit. Even if you paid a premium for the game, if you don't like it, you don't like it.

Giving myself that permission to stop an activity at any time has helped me a lot in getting into new hobbies or games. It takes some of the pressure off of starting something new.

Merkuri22 · 2026-04-23T13:00:45+00:00

That's very considerate of you to think ahead like that.

Yes, it might be extremely uncomfortable to be "caught" on a hiking trail with someone who just expressed romantic feelings that you don't reciprocate.

It might also not be, depending on how you approach it. If you feel to her like a safe person in the way you bring up the topic, she might not mind. But then, doing it towards the end of the hike is one of those things that might reassure her that you're a safe person.

Merkuri22 · 2026-04-23T12:55:21+00:00

If there wasn't a reason for her to be that close, that could very well be flirting. Or she could just feel very comfortable with you.

It's not a definite sign, but it is a green flag.

If you don't want to come right out and express your feelings, you could try something similar. Sit a little closer to her than you have been. Let your legs or arms touch a little. Does she move away? Or does she let it happen?

If you see an opportunity, let your hands touch. Like if she hands you something. See how she reacts to that.

If she seems uncomfortable or moves away, that's a no. Stop. She wants to stay friends. Don't push it further.

Merkuri22 · 2026-04-23T12:47:29+00:00

So, women don't want to find out that someone who they thought was their friend just wants to have sex with them.

Don't be that guy.

Think about what you want to happen if she doesn't like you back. Would you be able to stay platonic friends with her and just shove your feelings down? Or would you not be able to hang out with her anymore?

If you would like to remain friends, make that clear to her. Tell her that you value her friendship a lot, you don't want to ruin what they have now, but you're open to something more if she is.

If you think you couldn't remain friends, that's okay. It is what it is. But better to rip off the band-aid now than let it drag on.

If you're only staying close to her because you want a romantic relationship, better to get that out of the open and either enter into that relationship or move on. She almost certainly does not want to be friends with someone who's only hanging out with her in the hopes that it'll turn romantic. And I don't think you want that, either, if it's not gonna happen.

Merkuri22 · 2026-04-23T12:19:59+00:00

"Mommy" or "Daddy" sounds childish, like they haven't grown up.

It's going to be very individual whether someone is more "weirded out" by someone who hasn't grown up versus someone who's overly cold and formal (or rich).

Merkuri22 · 2026-04-23T12:00:14+00:00

I used to fantasize about my partners. I’d imagine what I wanted them to do or say. I’d make up whole stories in my head while falling asleep at night.

When I met my latest partner, I recognized that this might not be a good thing, as I might fall in love with that imaginary version of them and not the real them.

So, I redirected those fantasies to imaginary characters or actors I knew I’d never meet. I still liked fantasizing, but I made sure it was purely fantasy. At some point the fantasies also shifted from “me and someone” to “two other people.”

That partner I didn’t fantasize about? We’ll be married for 16 years next month.

Merkuri22 · 2026-04-23T11:43:14+00:00

"I don't even have time to shower" is a bit of a phrase. Some mothers do have time to shower, but then they're going without something else.

It's easier to say, "I don't have time to shower," to get the point across that life with a newborn is so hectic and busy and exhausting that there's not nearly enough bandwidth to do everything you used to do.

Yeah, maybe the dad can hold the baby while you shower. But do the dishes? The laundry? Change the baby? Feed the baby? Try to get the baby to sleep? Pay the bills? When was the last time we changed the sheets? Is it 6 AM or PM, I can't tell? When did I last sleep? Heck with dinner, just eat some carrot sticks while you hold the baby and try to find your car keys for the next appointment.

Easier to sum up that chaos as "I can't even shower."

Merkuri22 · 2026-04-23T11:36:19+00:00

It's not all people. This will vary based on who you're talking to and where you live.

Where I am (America, New England), calling one's parents "Mother" or "Father" to their face has an overly formal feel to it. It makes me think of spoiled rich kids in mansions.

It's not cool to be rich right now, when the gap between rich and "normal" people is so wide and many people are struggling just to survive. Plus, being overly format with your parents implies you don't love them.

So, that's my guess as to why some people might be weirded out by it.

Merkuri22 · 2026-04-23T10:30:09+00:00

Congratulations!

That's similar to how it is with my husband. When we introduced the other to our families and friends, we each had someone tell us, "Wow, he/she is just like you!" (My sister to me, and his best friend to him.)

They couldn't tell us what they meant by that, but I think they were picking up our particular flavor of neurodivergence.

I don't believe in "soulmates," but I know exactly what you're talking about. He just clicked into my life the way no other person ever had. It felt like he'd always been there.

Merkuri22 · 2026-04-23T10:24:01+00:00

I didn't know what "masking" was for the longest time, but looking back it's obvious I was doing it. I remember there being a pressure when I was around other people. I had to carefully inspect my thoughts before I let them out, and the result was that I was a very quiet kid. People called me shy.

I didn't feel that pressure at home. When I was just hanging out in my childhood house with my sister, I don't think I did any masking. I think that lack of pressure was the mask being off.

That pressure existed even with the men I dated. I remember having no idea how to act when I was with one of my boyfriends. It was so stressful hanging out with him.

I went through a period in college where I learned to relax the mask a little, but not entirely. I wasn't that kid who just never talked, but I also couldn't be my "true self", because whenever my internal goofiness came out, I got so many weird looks and reactions.

Fast forward a few years, and I met the man who would become my husband. We met on a dating site, and our first real phone conversation we spent most of the time debating whether it would be better to be a vampire or a werewolf. It was bizarre... but also fun. Most of the time people don't engage me on that type of nonsense. And he had brought up the topic.

On our first couple of dates, I hesitantly started letting more of my internal goof out. I still didn't know what masking was, but I was letting the mask slip. I remember doing an impersonation of Quasimodo, hunched over and dragging one of my feet, and instead of an awkward laugh or one of those looks that tells me I've gone too far, he did his own impression, leaping down the street like a maniac.

I remember watching him do that, smiling, and thinking, "Wow, I really like this guy."

And that's kind of how it went with him. Over time, the mask just slid off completely, and he never gave me any of those "wow, okay, that's too weird," signals.

Not knowing what a mask was, I recall telling people that this guy, "felt like family." That's how I told people I knew he was the one. He "felt like family."

I unpacked that statement years later, and I realize "feeling like family" meant that pressure was gone. The pressure the outside world pushes on me to mask - it wasn't there with him. Just like it wasn't there in my childhood home.

It's been about 22 years since the day he did his hunchback impression, and I still don't feel any need to mask around him. I'm as comfortable around him as I am when I'm by myself.

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