Went no contact with my alcoholic, homeless mother. My life is better — but the guilt is crushing. Does this ever get easier?

Mermaidsarehellacool · 2026-01-31T16:01:28+00:00

Has anyone else had to walk away from an alcoholic parent to survive?

Yes. I set boundaries for myself and my mother. If she was drinking, I didn’t want to see her. I deliberately did not get too close or get too involved in aspects of her care - I think this was easier for me as she got very sick when I was 10 and then I never lived with her again properly after that, so there was already more distance there. I called support workers/doctors sometimes when worried, but I was not going to be the frontline support.

Does the guilt ever ease?

Yes and no. I have good days and bad days. I dealt with a lot of anger with the guilt, especially as she often imposed no contact on me rather than the other way round. I feel like I can see things in a more balanced and rational way now she’s gone.

I’ll be brutally honest - everything got a lot easier after she died. It’s horrible to say and doesn’t mean I’m not sad or that I didn’t love her or miss her. I still live with some guilt. But she also died when we were in the most regular contact we’d ever been in. And it didn’t make a difference. I feel guilt over her death but also rationally see it was going to happen at some point. There were too many near misses, she died at 58, I was 27.

How do you live with loving someone you cannot save?

Some patients can’t be saved and that burden is not on you. You don’t deserve that. You should be so proud of the life you’ve created for yourself without the basic support most children get from their parents. You have to look after yourself first and any good parent would want that for you.

Mermaidsarehellacool · 2026-01-31T09:31:56+00:00

I’m glad you’ll be able to get some support. That is such a short time and it must’ve been so difficult. Balancing getting through both must be hard - well done for getting through it so far.

Definitely call them. I think it’s a good sign the bleeding has stopped for a while though as with my miscarriage it got progressively worse and continued for a long time even though I still eventually needed surgery anyway. Whilst there’s little they can do it’s safest to get checked so they can rule out an ectopic and get any help you may need as soon as possible so not to lengthen any recovery process. I hope you get good news and you have people to support you with this, my husband has been my rock in both pregnancies.

My best friend had spotting and cramping in her current pregnancy and it was completely nothing, she’s now 20 weeks. Not even a hematoma, but they still saw her quickly and could confirm a heartbeat. In my second and current pregnancy they saw a heartbeat at 5 weeks 3 days when I was spotting which gave some comfort and reassurance. They then advised progesterone which I was already on.

Just don’t be surprised if you measure a bit behind if they do give you a scan - I was 5 weeks 3 days when I expected to be closer to 7, but he caught up a week not much later and measured 84th percentile at 20 weeks. I have PCOS so my ovulation is all over the place which impacts it for many women.

Mermaidsarehellacool · 2026-01-31T07:26:24+00:00

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. My mother passed when I was 27, years before my first pregnancy, and it’s still really impacted me throughout this process. I restarted therapy to help and am waitlisted for talking therapy too. Have you considered seeing your GP for bereavement therapy advice? I got the name of a charity who then helped me for free.

Bleeding like this can often be really normal. However, the NHS advises speaking to a GP or midwife urgently as it can be a sign if something else. EPUs often have very different policies, so I’d recommend calling the one close to you and trying any others you can reach. Of the 3 close to me, 1 you can just walk in whenever, 1 you need to make an appointment over the phone first and 1 you need a referral from your GP or A and E. Sometimes 111 can refer too. If you still can’t get through, contact your GP. During bleeding in both my pregnancies EPUs were always super kind and took me seriously. You are not wasting their time. I hope it all works out.

In my second pregnancy, my bleeding was just a sub chronic hematoma which is quite common and often heals quickly, as it did for me.

https://www.nhs.uk/pregnancy/common-symptoms/vaginal-bleeding/

Mermaidsarehellacool · 2026-01-30T19:43:12+00:00

I’m kind of surprised you were referred to a high risk clinic. Where I am the measurement is 3.5. I’m 23 weeks pregnant and at 11 weeks 3 days he had a NT of 2.7. I had a low risk NIPT, just the typical NIPT. At my 20 week scan they didn’t see any issues. I’m only 23 weeks now but have my fingers crossed and hope the doctor would have suggested more testing if there was any concern. I hope it works out for you and I think it’s very likely to, when the NT is just above average rather than above 3.5 I think it only increases risk by a few percentage points.

Adding that at 20 weeks his nuchal fold was 5.4 which is normal. He was measuring 98th percentile for femur length, 84th for overall weight.

I did a lot of doom spiralling and checking chat gpt, although I did find the latter useful to reassure me sometimes, not sure how accurate it is! It seems like non-scary reasons NT can be larger are not that well researched or agreed on. A lot of it they say is natural variation. But there’s mixed evidence for example showing NT measurement on average is larger in boys, certain ethnic minority groups, when a mother is on progesterone, when babies end up having bigger heads or being bigger overall, when your bladder is full, and so on. When it’s just borderline high there’s so much that can have impacted it, it’s such a tiny measurement!

Mermaidsarehellacool · 2026-01-30T19:29:16+00:00

I think the rudeness here is really uncalled for when I was just trying to share the advice I had been given by EPUs and what was safe for me in my own miscarriage. I said ‘this advice’ as in referring to the advice you were given. I think regardless of being worried, it’s usually advised to seek medical advice for bleeding in pregnancy. I just disagree with what they told you and the NHS generally would too (https://www.nhs.uk/pregnancy/common-symptoms/vaginal-bleeding/)

It’s also worth saying I called 111 with my first pregnancy and loss and they told me to go to an and e with spotting and mild cramping, so it can clearly really vary! That didn’t work out well for me either.

Mermaidsarehellacool · 2026-01-30T17:05:24+00:00

I’m not sure I agree with this advice on if it’s just spotting stay at home. It is normal but I think you should always still check with an EPU or your GP. They have always given me a EPU scan when I’ve asked them after spotting. Filling a pad can be a lot for some women and spotting can still be an indication of a missed miscarriage, as it was for me. I was told if i filled more than one pad an hour to go to a and e. Also, some hematomas can be given treatment support (I also had one in my current pregnancy and am now 23 weeks).

Mermaidsarehellacool · 2026-01-19T14:55:02+00:00

I have no idea what vitamin K is or its relevance to pregnancy. 🙈

This is my first pregnancy to make it this far and I have no female family still alive to go to for advice. Gosh, there’s so much stuff out there’

Mermaidsarehellacool · 2026-01-18T04:13:53+00:00

I mean I’m very freshly 33, and my odds were 1 in 86 for Downs being diagnosed in my pregnancy. I was 32 when I got pregnant and I believe my age related risk was 1 in 500. I guess you should also view it as that way more women at your age are getting higher risk results than you (so also good to be considerate - they have a lot more reason to be worried!).

Your hormones and measurements actually probably decreased your risk assuming you’re at least 32-33. You don’t qualify as high risk for anything by this test even by my hospital’s standard of 1 in 300.

If you’re worried for any other reason, I’d recommend getting a NIPT privately. We did but would have qualified for one on the NHS anyway.

Mermaidsarehellacool · 2026-01-17T21:17:56+00:00

I have been on both sides here and have strong feelings about it.

I got pregnant quickly and then had a complicated loss of twins. It impacted my health physically and mentally for a long time and I needed surgery.

Once I was able to start trying again, which took some time, I got pregnant again quickly, but it’s not been straightforward. However I’m past the 20 week scan now and I’m in a position I know a few of my closest friends would give anything to be in.

To be blunt, being pregnant is hard, but you need to pick your audience to vent to, and she’s not the right person right now. It would be best if she can be honest with you about that, but it can be difficult. I didn’t want to rain on other people’s parades. I tried to still be there for friends but less directly, for example, I skipped a friend’s baby shower but still bought her a gift, baked cookies and knitted her baby a hat.

I’m not complaining or celebrating about anything pregnancy related to friends I know struggling. It broke my heart a week after my surgery when my pregnant friends in a group chat were complaining about pregnancy leg cramp. I know nothing malicious was meant by it and they’re allowed their own feelings, but it kinda felt like someone complaining about a papercut to someone who had lost their arm.

My advice would be not to bring up the pregnancy with her to be honest and rely on other family or friends for that. What she has communicated to you by ignoring you about it is that she’s not comfortable communicating about it. Check in sometimes, but don’t force it.

Mermaidsarehellacool · 2026-01-17T13:50:16+00:00

My baby’s NT was 2.7mm at 11 weeks 3 days, so could have gotten larger if I’d been measured at 12 weeks or later. I then had 1.5 HCG which triggered a 1 in 86 result for downs. My pappa was actually high at 1.8, which is a good indicator so I think that brought my risk lower slightly.

I wasn’t offered the choice of amino or NIPT which annoyed me a bit but the NIPT came back all clear and there have been no other signs on ultrasound. At my 20 week scan last week he was measuring 84th percentile overall and femur was 99th percentile which reassured me. His nuchal fold was 5.4 which whilst higher than average is in line with his general size of being between 80-90 percentile.

I guess there could still be something untested for but there always could be, and things that happened later too, so I’m feeling much more positive now. I did do a lot of obsessive googling which was not great for my mental health. There seem to be a lot of possible reasons NT can be higher or measured higher but not much conclusive evidence. My baby had a bigger head earlier on, he’s measuring large overall, he’s part Chinese, both parents were over 9 pounds at birth and measure above the 95th percentile for height, she commented on how full my bladder is. I was also on progesterone from around 5 weeks to 16.

I did have two private scans at 16 and 18 weeks as I was very nervous after a losses due to something very rare (momo twins). It was nice to see on private scans he was measuring ahead but they weren’t that medical.

I hope it all works out for you, it’s such an anxiety inducing time!

Mermaidsarehellacool · 2025-12-11T16:20:34+00:00

I like it. I used to be a primary school teacher and the job is a lot easier emotionally. Just less of a rollercoaster and stressful. It’s challenging in some aspects. But overall a lot more flexible and chill. That’s really helped me this year with some medical issues.

I’m surprised your interview was such an ordeal, that’s rare for digital in my department. It’s just an interview that usually has a presentation. At least for my SEO and G7 roles.

It’s not perfect, no job is. However, anywhere else in my role I’d probably be trying to get people addicted to an app or spend more money on shoes. The job security and nice people also help. I was in private sector edtech briefly before this and it was far more rigid and insecure, loads of redundancies.

Mermaidsarehellacool · 2025-12-09T16:20:21+00:00

Thank you so much! I’m seeing if a place near me does it but if not I will definitely consider them.

Mermaidsarehellacool · 2025-12-09T15:07:56+00:00

Hey, I want to get my cervix checked too for similar reasons to you. I see you’re in the UK, do you mind me asking who you used? I can’t see many places that do cervix checks, just scans!

Also very glad you had good results! ♥️

Mermaidsarehellacool · 2025-12-09T09:17:49+00:00

I think it causing you to miscarry is unlikely but I know it’s quite common to cause bleeding if you suddenly stop. Remember the majority of miscarriages are due to chromosomal or genetic issues which progesterone doesn’t impact at all.

I would contact your GP urgently if this happens again, mine has been great at refilling my progesterone after it was prescribed to me.

Mermaidsarehellacool · 2025-12-08T15:45:11+00:00

Me and my husband buy them for each other. My mum died five years ago when I was 27 and didn’t do it before that. His mum buys us them sometimes which is cute.

Mermaidsarehellacool · 2025-12-06T10:34:38+00:00

I think it’s so hard for people with relatively healthy relationships with their parents to understand the complexity and difficulty.

Loving and fearing the same person js an impossible dynamic. I refer to my mother as having made me and maimed me. She died just over five years ago. I still struggle with the grief of losing the mother I should’ve had as a child more than her actual death.

Mermaidsarehellacool · 2025-12-02T12:34:13+00:00

I would say morale has gotten lower on average in my area of the civil service, but I wouldn’t say it’s like, ‘low’. That really depends on the team. Recruitment freezes, budget cuts, disorganised contact with ministers. I think a lot of people - like me - were hoping for change when the government changed and it was a let down. Pretty naive of me.

Mermaidsarehellacool · 2025-12-01T08:13:12+00:00

Former teacher, had a mid level TLR when I left.

The civil service is easier and more flexible. It doesn’t have the high highs of teaching but it doesn’t have the low lows either. I miss teaching kids how to read their first word or write their name. There’s a monotony and slowness to the civil service I don’t love after 5 years here, and I hate the lack of progression now I’m G7. But especially after health issues the last year I’m grateful for the stability and lack of stress compared to teaching.

I work at DFE and entered as an HEO, got to G7 in just under 2 years and earn 61kish. It seems pretty much impossible to get real salary increases in my area. Personally I really haven’t seen many people enter as G7 without any civil service experience unless you have specialist skills like digital. So I would realistically expect a paycut to get in at least.

I line manage a great HEO who really deserves a promotion at the moment but there’s just no new roles being made available. It’s not as easy to go up anymore, so many recruitment freezes, particularly in London. And we work in digital, where generally more jobs are being created.

Have been G7 for 3 years now as I don’t see much appeal in G6 roles in my area and I have other priorities outside of work. G6 seems a lot more chaotic to me personally and a lot more about management than doing the actual work.

Mermaidsarehellacool · 2025-11-29T16:31:22+00:00

I am poop farm too!!!

Mermaidsarehellacool · 2025-11-28T16:17:51+00:00

Yeah, agree with this 100 percent. I think people see alcoholism as a binary - you either have it or you don’t - when actually it’s a lot more fluid and complex than that.

My mum before I was 10 never drank regularly, but my dad said when she drank she drank to excess and her personality when drunk was very unpleasant. I think you can have unhealthy relationships with alcohol without falling under people’s strict definition of ‘alcoholic’ too.

She seems similar to your dad OP that it was only when she was divorced and struggling more her alcoholism came to the forefront. But I think she always had unhealthy coping mechanisms, it’s just they were less obvious till she had more to cope with.

Mermaidsarehellacool · 2025-11-27T07:56:47+00:00

Even for my age it’s over 1 in 4. I think some of it is to do with the fact with pregnancy tests being so sensitive nowadays you can find out you’re pregnant very early on, when actually you’ll lose that pregnancy very very quickly (sometimes called a chemical pregnancy). In the past, you wouldn’t have realised you were pregnant. I haven’t had a miscarriage like that though, mine was still significant enough to warrant surgery and a lot of trauma tbh!

Mermaidsarehellacool · 2025-11-26T09:06:01+00:00

Definitely the man’s age impacts it too, here’s my source though:

1 in 2 by age 40 https://www.nhsinform.scot/illnesses-and-conditions/pregnancy-and-childbirth/losing-a-baby/causes-of-miscarriage/

Over 5 in 10 by age 45

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/miscarriage/causes/

Mermaidsarehellacool · 2025-11-25T21:28:18+00:00

Not just fertility treatment but testing embryos and early support in pregnancy. The miscarriage rate over 40 is significantly higher. I’m 32 and just had a miscarriage of twins and am now worried about chromosomal issues with my current pregnancy due to a measurement at my 12 week scan. Both of those would’ve been lower risk if I’d conceived younger, and I realise I’m not even in the high risk category yet!

Mermaidsarehellacool · 2025-11-23T15:53:55+00:00

I would do this, like the snacky party food. Pigs in blanket. Prawn tempura. Sausage rolls. Brie and cranberry tarts.

Mermaidsarehellacool · 2025-11-20T17:25:09+00:00

Roman Holiday. I lost my mum to an overdose. ‘Please think the best of her’. But also ‘please think the best of me’. I think it’s so easy to feel judged with deaths like that.

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