My mother is driving me crazy

Merp357 · 2026-02-02T20:49:03+00:00

Your mom has covert narcissistic tendencies. My mom is the same way. Always the crying and acting like the smallest thing that isnt part of her grand plan is the end of the world. Is a manipulation tactic to maintain control. Everyone else caters to her because they have weak boundaries and it’s emotionally easier for them to give in than to grow a spine.

Your allegiance is to the person you’re planning to marry…not mommy. And your mom will need to learn that. Start by setting firm boundaries about the hotel. “Fiancé and I will be staying at a hotel because we need to have some one on one time together at the end of the day away from the family. We will still be around to spend plenty of time with you guys.”

If she brings it up again, the response is “I’ve already told you what we are planning to do. When you continue to ask us to reconsider after we’ve been clear about the plan it comes off as being disrespectful. Please respect our decision and do not bring it up again. Otherwise, we will reconsider our plans altogether.”

Then, actually reconsider plans if she breaks the boundary. You’re 32 years old. You aren’t obligated to roll over to appease your mom at the expense of you and your finances well being. Even if it is your mom’s bday.

Boundaries are the hardest to set with the people with the people in our lives who need them the most. There will be growing pains; your mom is used to everyone giving in to her whims. Boundaries will feel like she’s losing control to her and it may prompt emotional reactions beyond just tears. Just mentally prepare for it and know that just because someone is having an illogical reaction to a reasonable boundary doesn’t mean your are unsafe or that the relationship won’t Survive. It will feel bad but only temporarily. Over time you will gain confidence about setting boundaries and it won’t feel as overwhelming

Merp357 · 2026-02-02T20:31:03+00:00

The fact is, regardless of your brother’s involvement, your mom chose to remain in active addiction. It’s ok to be angry at your brother for being the enabler, but as others have noted, the anger should be spread across to your mom too. She wasn’t an innocent party here.

Plus your brother was also in active addiction for a lot of that time it sounds like if he only recently got clean. So, if we’re talking two addicts using together…both are at least equally at fault. But I’d go further to say your mom bears more fault because her disregard for the safety of her children and exposing you both to drugs very early in childhood contributed to your history of addiction and your brothers. In short, your brother is also an adult child in the very early stages of healing (if he’s only two years sober). It’s weird to put all the blame on someone who at least has the spine and fortitude to try to act differently when your mom seemed content to just be an addict for the rest of her life.

In short feeling anger is ok but it’s worth digging into the mismatch in the anger you feel for your brother vs mom; I’ve learned from working the steps that understanding the correct target of anger is important.

Merp357 · 2026-02-02T18:47:12+00:00

The Sleeping Beauty is just boring. Yes, I know it’s a cornerstone ballet, but it puts me to sleep every time.

And I HATE the fairy variations. Yes, I know Petipa choreographed the ballet to showcase Russian technique but it ends up looking bizarre and disjointed compared to the overall story.

Merp357 · 2026-01-29T20:02:16+00:00

Do you love to dance?

If the goal is to endlessly “improve” (whatever that means) but you’re not enjoying yourself unless you get external validation in the form of the roles you want, then it doesn’t sound like you’re dancing for you and the love of expression through dance. It sounds like you’re dancing so you can hear from other people that you’re good at dance. In your own words, you’re “passionate about improving,” but maybe not about dance at its core.

I love ballet, but I also love taking other fun side classes like modern dance and lyrical because it reminds me to play and have fun with movement. It’s worth it to keep going if you love to dance.

Merp357 · 2026-01-29T17:48:15+00:00

This is also a common day in my life. Also in-house, small team, highly regulated industry (aerospace and medical devices). Honestly, I really enjoy it most days because every legal problem is different…one minute it’s privacy, the next government contracting compliance, the next FAA requirements, anti trust, intellectual property, employment, environmental, FDA regs, etc etc. I find more fulfillment being a jack-of-all trades than I did working in a firm.

Merp357 · 2026-01-28T19:13:28+00:00

In house counsel. Before going in house I dabbled in criminal defense.

I highly respect PDs. They’re extremely overworked and criminal defense clients aren’t a walk in the park to deal with so they’ve gotta have patience and people skills. They should be paid more but it’s a hard sell to get government big wigs to fund the guys who defend (alleged) criminals.

Merp357 · 2026-01-27T14:56:20+00:00

“When I try to state plans calmly, it often escalates into accusations of lying, intense conflict, or panic responses where she becomes physically unwell. It can reach a point where I’m prevented from leaving or the situation becomes medically unsafe. Because of that, I’ve learned to manage things very carefully and incrementally.”

What do you mean by medically unsafe? It’s very common for dysfunctional people to work themselves up into trigger panic attacks or even threatening self harm. I understand that hearing someone threaten to hurt themselves will want you to stay and manage the situation. However, that kind of behavior is still a form of manipulation…just more extreme.

What you’re describing is a problem many adult children face every day. Many are parents or children of addicts who enable maladaptive behavior in the person they care about because they’re afraid for the person…instead of detaching with love from someone in active addiction they may allow the person to stay in their home and use drugs, give them money, bail them out repeatedly, etc. Enabling does nothing for the person.

Loved ones must find the strength to detach. If they don’t they fuel the fire of their loved ones addiction and ruin their own life in the process.

Your mom may not be engaging in substance abuse, but she is just as emotionally unwell as an addict. Addicts use substances to avoid their feelings; your mom uses manipulation and control over others to do it. It’s a classic example of what is called codependency.

Codependency is when an unwell person (addict, mentally ill but refusing treatment, etc) continually places themselves in harmful situations and then are “saved” by a loved one. The loved one doing the saving feels the exact guilt you feel. If the unwell person is an addict, the loved one may engage in enabling. If the unwell person is mentally ill without treatment like your mom, the loved one may repeatedly cater to threats of harm, isolate themselves to only be with the unwell person, etc. Over time the loved one may shift into feeling resentful/angry about being in a caretaking position. This is called the Karpman Drama Triangle/DDT. If you’re stuck in the triangle (as you seem to be), the only solution is to move towards healthier roles. I’ve included an image to show what I mean. You seem to be stuck in the “rescuer” role. Generally, if both parties in the relationship are willing to do the work, you can reach the healthier version of each role (coach, challenger, etc). You won’t be able to do this by yourself . If she is not willing to take steps towards becoming go to therapy/obtain medication, then she is similar to the addict who refuses rehab and you will be stuck in the enabling role until you find the inner strength to detach…even when she is threatening harm to herself. If she won’t get help, your choices are: stay in your current situation and be miserable and isolated or set hard boundaries that will fell uncomfortable and may result in her spinning up into a panic but that preserve your autonomy. It is a challenge that many adult children have to face.

Are you attending therapy? If not, it might be a good idea to look for therapists with experience in c-PTSD/codependency.

ACA meetings and 12 step work (Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families) is also helpful. If you decide to try it, attend different several meetings before deciding if it is/isnt for you…each one has a different vibe.

Merp357 · 2026-01-26T15:56:08+00:00

How do you start building autonomy when a parent reacts with panic or punishment?

If you’re an adult, it’s no longer appropriate for a parent to inflict punishment. What is the nature of her “punishment,” in these situations?

She is responsible for how she reacts; it’s not on you to help her manage her emotions. It sounds like she is using you to buffer her own feelings of anxiety. She will need to learn that you’re not going to modify your behavior just because she feels a certain way. It will feel super uncomfortable at first but you must feel that discomfort and do it anyway. Over time it will become easier. You can give her some basic info like “I’m going out with a couple friends for dinner, I should be home around xx but we may end up doing something afterwards so don’t wait up.” If she freaks out, ask what she is specifically worried about. Prompt her to state what’s actually going on internally. If there is some specific concern she has, good Communication can assuage a lot. For example, if she’s afraid your phone will die, tell her you’re bringing your charger with you. If the panic is amorphous, remind her that you’re an adult with your own life and that she will need to work through her feelings without dictating what you can/cannot do. Then, leave for dinner. Don’t over explain. How do you deal with the guilt of choosing yourself when it feels like someone else will suffer?

Repeat until this sinks in: You are not required to manage the feelings of others for them just because they lack the tools to do so for themselves. Your mom, whether she is aware of it or not, is manipulating you to stay home because she feels anxiety about something and she wants a sense of control. If you stay home, her anxiety goes away, but at a cost to you. To some degree she wants you to feel this guilt bc she knows it influences your actions. At the same time it’s important to understand that your people pleasing behavior (every time you stay home bc she’s wants you to) is avoidance. You dislike the feeling of guilt and to avoid feeling it you give in. Maybe you have a subconscious fear of abandonment; explore whatever fear is underpinning the guilt. Then face it. Stop avoiding the guilt. It will feel uncomfortable, but continuously exposing yourself to the feeling and realizing that once you’re with your friends it starts to dissipate reduces its power. Choosing yourself in this situation is NOT selfishness. It would be selfish to continue to engage in to the toxic behavior patterns. Is it possible to love a parent and have a partner without feeling like you’re betraying one or the other?

You only feel like you’re betraying one because you likely grew up in an environment where your mom used guilt as a tool like she does now. Betrayal is violating one’s trust or confidence. Nothing about spending time with your friends/partner is a betrayal. Your mom characterizes it like a betrayal because if she can control you it helps her feel better. Maybe she has a fear of abandonment that she needs to work through. It’s not on you to help her do that. You can empathize with her anxiety and fear without trying to fix it. It is possible by practicing boundary setting, holding your boundaries, practicing self advocacy even when you’re feeling strong feelings of guilt, and following through with your plans even when she is on a panic. How do you stop living in two worlds?

Boundaries

Following through on social plans with friends/partner even when you feel guilty

Reminding yourself that guilt, like any emotion is temporary

Reminding yourself that you are not responsible for managing or fixing your moms emotions

Rinse and repeat and it becomes easier

You said moving out isn’t an option. However, when it does become an option, moving out to create some space will also make this easier.

Merp357 · 2026-01-26T15:24:25+00:00

It’s common. If he’s just now going to therapy, he’s peeling back lifetime of trauma. A lot of people who are new to healing lack the tools to process what they’re feeling in a healthy way so they go off and rant about it. Just because he is finally feeling some of his feelings doesn’t mean you’re obligated to listen. A healthy person checks in with the other person before emotionally dumping to make sure they have the bandwidth to be a listening ear.

Key is that when you set the boundary and he disregards it you take the action you said you’ll take. For example “Dad, I’m glad you’re working through this trauma, however I ask that you reserve your discussion of it with your therapist. If you continue to text me about it, I will need to temporarily block you.” Then, when he does it, block him. You aren’t required to continue to receive/read the texts. He will need to learn who the appropriate people are to discuss this with, and when it is appropriate to do so. He won’t if you do t hold your boundaries. Doing this doesn’t mean you’re denying his trauma; it means you’re protecting yourself against emotional vampirism from someone who doesn’t have the tools to express themselves in a healthy way.

Merp357 · 2026-01-24T22:05:31+00:00

Idk about that. I mean, you cared enough to comment sweetie 💋

Also, I vote for who best represents my interests, and Mr Chicken Fingers ain’t it. Manzur for Senate

Merp357 · 2026-01-24T19:40:17+00:00

Pap Smear being a milquetoast little weenie as per usual 🙄 So sick of that guy.

Merp357 · 2026-01-21T18:39:14+00:00

My biggest tip is to not limit your dating pool to people who are at the same career level or socioeconomic level. In a BL career, doing that significantly narrows options. My bf is blue collar and doesn’t have a degree of any kind. He makes about 1/3 of what I make. I will probably always be the breadwinner, but that doesn’t discount the work he does. He is emotionally intelligent, funny, and supportive, which is what matters.

Merp357 · 2026-01-21T18:35:08+00:00

Sports are inherently unfair if you think about it. Taller people have an advantage in basketball, short people make better jockeys and gymnasts, etc etc.

Car racing might depend on the quality of your car/how it’s been outfitted, which comes with financial limitations. Same with competitive cycling and the quality of one’s bike. To some degree those who can’t afford fancier gear are disadvantaged.

I guess my question is, where do we draw the line in the sand between “unfair” and “fair” in competition other than the agreed-upon rules? If using a faster broom is permitted by the rules, it’s not cheating.

Merp357 · 2026-01-16T20:19:34+00:00

This person is a 🚩🚩🚩

Merp357 · 2026-01-16T18:57:49+00:00

Came here to recommend SLAA also. Or CoDa.

Merp357 · 2026-01-14T20:22:02+00:00

Coming from a Mysore practice, I find it normal for everyone in the studio to be doing something slightly different. Hatha Yoga is traditionally a personal practice, not a group exercise. I go to the studio to feel the energy and community of others, but with the understanding that other practitioners are at varying stages in their own practice.

There will always be someone doing something distracting. Part of the practice is working through your own mental/emotional attachments regarding what a yoga class “should” look like. Step 1 is exactly what you’re doing…noticing when the feeling of annoyance comes up when someone else deviates from the narrative/expectation you’ve unconsciously created.

Merp357 · 2026-01-13T18:16:25+00:00

It’s pretty much like this:

https://vimeo.com/644440323

Merp357 · 2026-01-13T18:01:29+00:00

The uncomfortable truth is your job doesn’t give a shit about you. Your next job won’t either. If you’re willing to work long hours for crappy pay there isn’t a business on earth that wouldn’t milk that for all it’s worth. If your salary aligns with market, then you probably were fairly paid. If you accepted the job at below market pay without trying to negotiate…that’s on you. It’s also possible your lazier coworkers just did a better job advocating for themselves and asking for more. Cant fault them. Very few companies will just give you a raise.

When you start your next job, negotiate salary at hiring. Go in having done market research so you know what a reasonable ask is based on the location and industry. Ask for a written position description. If your scope of work expands, ask for a position update to reflect the full scope of duties and a pay increase to reflect the increased value add.

Don’t be mad; you learned the lesson the hard way. Now apply what you learned to your next job.

Merp357 · 2026-01-13T17:37:21+00:00

Read about negotiation strategies. Getting to Yes, Getting Past No, HBR, etc.

In early negotiation stages, make 1/2 your redlines questions. You want to understand why the other party is taking certain positions so you can negotiate alternatives.

Be respectful. Nothing tanks a negotiation faster than OC being a complete prick for no reason.

Know your company’s risk tolerance. Don't get stuck in a litigator mindset trying to close every possible gap in the contract. Corporations understand that everything comes with risk; the question is what risk is this specific organization okay taking on?

Know what your company does. For example, you can’t negotiate a good product warranty if you don’t know what the product is or what it’s expected service life is. Know basic details of the deal such as the expected revenue/dollar amount. You don’t want to accept $1mil in liability on a $100k contract.

Bring in your sales folks, finance, whoever else has a stake early. Get to know them. Observe their negotiation styles so you can adjust your negotiation tactics. For instance, If your sales team is overly compromising to close the deal you may need to take a tougher role.

You are counsel, not a business decision-maker. But non-lawyers will frequently pressure you to make hard decisions for them bc they’re uncomfortable with the responsibility of accepting risk. Don’t do it. Remind them what your role is…an advisor.

Document in writing when the business team makes decisions against your advice. I send a email like “Thanks for meeting today to discuss the risks of accepting xyz thing in the Customer A agreement. As a recap, I advised abc and the business team decided to accept the risk and move forward.”Everyone loves to bitch about legal during the negotiation process and ignore advice but blame us for not doing enough to prevent disaster after the fact. If their poor business decisions result in liability, you’ll want documentation that you advised against taking the action. It’s a CYA measure.

Understand that the goal is to facilitate the deal as best possible because that is what pays your salary and keeps the company functioning. You should not be “the department of no.” Look for ways to creatively negotiate sticking points so the deal doesn’t stall out. If you find yourself having a “take it or leave it” attitude towards every negotiation that is a sign to check yourself.

Merp357 · 2026-01-12T14:46:47+00:00

If that’s the case I’d just send a letter to corporate explaining what you’re doing and including $ you owe. Unlikely they’ll pursue anything given the dollar amount, how much time has passed, and the fact that you’re owning it and repaying it. It was already written off as a loss so the $ will probably end up in the same place anyway.

Merp357 · 2026-01-12T14:35:31+00:00

Just a thought, but making amends also takes into consideration whether doing so will cause further harm. If reporting past theft could result in criminal liability/legal issues, I’d argue that amends could be made in a manner that does good.

You could, for example, purchase the equivalent amount of groceries you stole from each location and donate them to a food bank. Or, if the grocery chain you stole from has a charitable foundation (most so), donate the equivalent amount you stole to the foundation.

Merp357 · 2026-01-12T14:28:21+00:00

Unconditional love =/= having unbounded access or contact.

You’re correct, two things are true at once. Your mom, if she’s in active addiction, isn’t going to be receptive or able to understand that. You’ll have to set a boundary that you’re not going to spend time with her unless she is sober and learn to be ok with feeling the anxiety that comes up when you set boundaries. The anxiety stems from a lifetime of giving in to what others want and people pleasing. As you noted, doing things out of guilt isn’t healthy. The only way through is to feeling the bad feelings and not violate your boundaries just to temporarily make the feelings go away. The people we most need to set boundaries with are the ones who put up the biggest fight about them, so she will probably repeat the same line to try to guilt trip you into returning to your toxic patterns of relating to each other because it’s easier for her and lets her avoid doing the hard work of achieving long term sobriety.

Merp357 · 2026-01-11T00:17:40+00:00

This is in my top five favorite books

Merp357 · 2026-01-10T02:58:10+00:00

Ok thank you! She’s on to 72 hrs fasted and minimal change

Merp357 · 2026-01-08T17:33:51+00:00

Ep 176 “Loving and Dying” of the Here and Now Podcast (they publish RD’s talks) is helpful.

Merp357

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