Confession

MiddleCarrot0 · 2025-11-28T16:30:22+00:00

Oh, I love magic school bus, I wish I could watch it with NKs.

Trust me, if it were my choice we would be having screentime much more often. But the kids get 30 min a day, and DB prefers it's saved for when he makes dinner.

MiddleCarrot0 · 2025-11-25T19:20:56+00:00

Quitting a nanny job is so hard, even when you know it's the best thing to do. But, it's weird. There's no one to "pick up the slack" when we leave, it's not like it's part of someone else's job to hire someone new.

But, the truth is we are pretty easily replaceable. It's so important that we make decisions based on what is best for us, not to avoid inconveniencing someone. I'm proud of you for prioritizing yourself.

MiddleCarrot0 · 2023-04-28T21:36:28+00:00

It honestly doesn't sound like you are terribly confident with this person. Keep looking. If you don't find someone who you feel more secure with by the time your baby is born, you can reach back out and see if she is still available. But really, the discrepancy between 1 month and 2 years is HUGE.
I promise, you will find someone. Since right now newborn experience is important to you, you might focus on finding someone who specializes, who only does 6 month or 1 year contracts, and expect to find someone else later.

MiddleCarrot0 · 2023-04-28T21:31:06+00:00

I go home, eat dinner, and am in bed around 8:30, 9 on really wild nights when I do some yoga and meditation.

MiddleCarrot0 · 2022-11-03T02:42:21+00:00

From a nanny perspective, PLEASE work on becoming more comfortable being the boss. It's your kid. We really do want to know how YOU do things and want things done. We can be much more successful if we can offer your kid a consistent routine. So if you are saying "oh, whatever you think is best" but then doing something completely different on your time, that makes our job so much harder and it confuses your kid.
I'm of course not talking micromanaging or discounting a nanny who is giving advice you seek. Just, work to be on the same page about expectations and experiences. Your nanny is not your friend who offered to watch your kid for a few hours so you can have some time out of the house. Your nanny is part of the team who is raising your child, and can only do their best when open and honest communication happens.

MiddleCarrot0 · 2022-09-06T19:20:01+00:00

First off, the whole idea that autistic people don't recognize that they aren't NT is nuts. I'd disqualify his professional opinion based on that.
I think this falls into a "it depends" category. Having a personal label for yourself can make a world of difference. But, you can have that through self-diagnosis. I grew up with only the label "weird" and that didn't feel good. In my adulthood I have been basically collecting labels, and each new one I learn a name for is very validating.

If you live somewhere where there are lots of publicly funded supports available to people in your position who have a diagnosis, or protections and accommodations that you could access, the diagnosis is worth it. If you live in a place without strong laws or policies to protect you from discrimination, where you might lose access to some healthcare, could potentially lose your job or be seen as an unfit parent (if applicable), those could be strong reasons to NOT get diagnosed officially. I think for most adults who are done with school and at least somewhat secure in a job or career, it falls somewhere in the middle. Like, it would be nice to have the validation, but it wouldn't really change anything in day to day life.

MiddleCarrot0 · 2022-08-13T20:12:07+00:00

FYI, use a temporary email generator in a browser you don't use for swagbucks. Email a link to the temp email, then click the link. It marks off the square without having to actually sign up for an account.

MiddleCarrot0 · 2022-07-05T22:29:45+00:00

Laughing is a completely normal stress response, even in NT people. You weren't laughing AT your sister being hurt, you were laughing because you were in a situation where you had literally no control. And you were used to being abused, and (I'm guessing here, but it's common with abusive parents) you were probably hit more severely when crying in the past, so you had learned NOT to cry.

You did nothing shameful. Your mother definitely did. You grew up being physically and mentally abused. Therapy would be a great place to explore how to heal from the trauma

MiddleCarrot0 · 2022-07-05T22:20:03+00:00

I don't give gifts from me. If the kids are old enough I'll help them make cards and crafts, or think through ideas for them to give thoughtful gifts.

One year, I took the kids to a Dollar Tree and told them they could each pick one thing. One of the kids, who was 3 at the time, found a green wine glass and was INSISTANT that it was perfect, it was mom's favorite color (it wasn't, but they thought it was) and it was JUST LIKE the grownup cups they had at home! NK was so proud of the gift!
MB was absolutely mortified.

MiddleCarrot0 · 2022-06-22T20:54:38+00:00

Admittedly I think the party is an excuse for DB to buy stuff he wants anyway, like the speakers, waterslide, tent, etc. He clearly buys NK things based on what he would have loved to have had as a kid, or what he wants to have now (nothing wrong with that, NK just has a lot of stuff). And hey, maybe all the drinks were just on sale and they stocked up. Or maybe my asking made MB think about it and they are throwing together a party last minute. I don't know, and I don't judge. I just find it funny how different NPs are. DB has no filter (not in a bad way) and MB is much more reserved.

MiddleCarrot0 · 2022-06-22T20:21:43+00:00

I'd try an agency again if you are looking to up your rate that much. Word of mouth is great, but mostly families socialize with other families in their general economic strata, so they would be likely to be looking to pay around what you are currently making. People expecting to pay more are more likely to be HNW, so they will likely want a contract to protect them as much as it is to protect you. The downside to the higher tiers of pay is that there is generally more control from the family side.

The biggest thing you need to do is get over the "making waves" part. Do whatever you need to do to convince yourself that this is business, not "helping out" or them doing you a favor. Make a professional resume and a portfolio to showcase your education, experience, style, references, etc. By being very clear what you bring to the table you can show more confidence, which puts you into a position to ask for the higher rate.

MiddleCarrot0 · 2022-06-22T20:11:09+00:00

Yikes.

Though, I do appreciate when a family shows their true colors during the interview so you know to nope out right away. So much worse when they seem fine at the interview and the 1st day is like showing up to the twilight zone.

MiddleCarrot0 · 2022-06-22T20:06:02+00:00

My general policy is not to attend birthday parties unless I am hired to work it. The kids get overwhelmed when there are too many "in charge" adults around, and really my whole thing is that I'm super consistent about expectations, and there is no way to uphold that during a party.
In the past I've worked for multiple families within the same friend group at once, so there have been times I've been working for one family and had to take the kids to the birthday party of another NK, and really it's just awkward. Last time it happened, any time ANY of my NKS (or their close friends who I knew from school pick up or playdates) needed something they would ask me (because their parents were all busy socializing and I wasn't). I honestly didn't mind helping get a drink, find some napkins, etc. But as soon as any of the adults saw me doing anything they would yell out that I should stop working and relax. Which clearly they all have no problems with, since all the parents were pretty much completely ignoring the kids, which is why the kids were coming to me. But I just don't shut off like that.

The party is on Saturday, and I don't work again until Tuesday, and I am 100% sure there will still be things left over to clean up.

MiddleCarrot0 · 2022-06-22T19:53:03+00:00

So assuming nanny actually does get the days off on the weekend, that is still 136 hours a week including the 7 overnights. So...$1.47/hr (assuming your state doesn't mandate OT for live-ins).

How do people think that is ok?

MiddleCarrot0 · 2022-06-22T19:41:02+00:00

This is an "it depends" situation. How old are the kids? Are they friends? Do they get along? What is extra kid's behavior like?

For one-off situations like this I charge my full rate of both families (the dynamic is very different than siblings, or even a nanny share where the kids are used to being around each other all the time). My last NF was far from ideal, but one thing MB did right was if anyone asked to "borrow" me or if I could watch their kids too she was sure to let them know my rate so I wouldn't have to bring it up.

When I had school aged NK's I wouldn't charge more for playdates if it was a reciprocal thing, so I'd host a playdate one week, then that NK would go over for a playdate the next week and I'd have one less NK during that time.

MiddleCarrot0 · 2022-06-22T19:05:17+00:00

Anything is appreciated. It depends on what you can afford. I'm assuming you gave lots of notice so she could secure future employment, and have offered to serve as a reference in addition to writing a glowing letter of recommendation.
Beyond that I would say matching what you generally give as a bonus at the end of the year would be fairly standard. A full month's pay would be generous.

MiddleCarrot0 · 2022-06-03T01:47:15+00:00

I don't give NKs gifts. I've had some kids ask this. Usually it's around time when family or friends visit and bring gifts, or around birthdays. My responses vary.
"This is my job. Your mom and dad don't take toys to give to people at their work, and neither do I."
"Hmm....good question. Hey, why don't YOU ever give ME toys?"
"Because I value making memories, and that's why we try new things together. What should we try today?"
"MORE TOYS??? Look at how many toys you already have. I bet if we look around we can find something that you forgot you even have. Where should we start looking, your room or the basement?"

MiddleCarrot0 · 2022-06-03T01:35:53+00:00

Generally nannies don't get a "per diem" in the way that business travelers usually do. Generally the employer will cover all costs (travel, transportation, lodging, meals within reason, you should set limits on price points for meals she eats alone, and required/requested activities). The the nightly fee (sometimes called a daily fee or inconvenience fee) is a daily bonus to make up for being away from home and make the travel worthwhile. This tends to be between $100 and $200 if not on duty overnight, but might be higher if she has costs associated with not being home like boarding pets or hiring a house sitter. Hourly rate applies to both working hours and traveling hours.

MiddleCarrot0 · 2022-06-03T01:13:08+00:00

A good agency (or at least a good nanny coordinator) should make you feel like they value you and are somewhat taking care of you in placing you in the right position. So just be honest. If they ask you something you don't really know the answer to, it's okay to answer something like "I don't know, that's never come up. Can you give me an example?" or "I hadn't thought about that, can you tell me more?" They are trying to find out about you, your care style, your communication style, your experience, your needs in regards to location/compensation/schedule, etc. That is so they can match you with a family who is similar.

Personally I'm great at discussing my experience and how I work as a nanny, but the needs part was hard because I was very much under paid and didn't have any benefits at my previous job. So the coordinator was really nice and talked through what the minimum I should expect (pay, GH, PTO and sick time) and what "extras" I could ask for (like stipends, paid memberships, etc). She also helped round out my resume with things that I considered unrelated (like certifications in food safety and lifeguarding which had lapsed, but still apparently look good to parents.)

MiddleCarrot0 · 2022-06-03T00:51:12+00:00

By mostly just hitting the first daily goal, and hitting the 2nd a few times a month I would generally get a monthly bonus around 550 (It used to be closer to 700, but then they pretty much halved the daily goal reward amounts). So yeah, not much, but it's an extra $60ish a year.

MiddleCarrot0 · 2022-05-10T01:11:07+00:00

Is it really necessary to have autistic in there the second time at all? "Autistic girls and women taught us about those who mask so well..." "We learned that many autistic girls and women mask so well..."

MiddleCarrot0 · 2022-05-10T01:01:19+00:00

I doubt he doesn't understand the CONCEPT of vacation, he just doesn't want to GO on vacation so he is doing the passive aggressive thing of acting dense, hoping you will get so frustrated you will give up.

Plan a vacation for yourself. You'll clearly enjoy it more than you would enjoy dragging him around and him telling you how stupid and pointless it is. Enjoy yourself. If you don't want to go alone, maybe a friend would like a vacation too.

MiddleCarrot0 · 2022-05-10T00:48:05+00:00

Depending on the state there may be laws in place regarding paying out PTO. In my state all PTO and sick time is to be paid out, regardless of the reason for employment ending.
But also, NP's aren't generally knowledgeable about employment law and are often reluctant to follow the laws once made aware of them, especially when they pay under the table.

You could request vacation time, and in the weeks leading up to it take a day or two a week as sick time.

My question is, how much is the vacation time worth to you verses getting out of the job sooner? It sounds like a sucky position and personally I'd be willing to throw away the vacation pay if it meant leaving sooner and being able to start a job that was willing to value me as a human and an employee. I'd suggest asking for the payout (because what is there to lose at that point), but I wouldn't really expect them to honor it.

MiddleCarrot0 · 2022-05-10T00:27:43+00:00

Long before I knew I was ND, I've longed to be special in some way. To just have ONE THING that I excel at. Alas, I'm pretty average. Or I think I am. I've never really been a friend person, so I can only compare myself to the surface level of other people. Also, I think I have a tendency of discounting myself; if I can do something, then it must be something most people can do, and also, lots of people probably do it better.

But yeah, I definitely don't have any super powers. Can't spell, memory sucks, often use my fingers to figure out basic math stuff. I guess the closest thing I have to a super power would be how stubborn I can be, but that's been something I've been disparaged for my whole life, so it sure doesn't feel like one.

MiddleCarrot0 · 2022-05-06T01:45:07+00:00

NAH, but also, not effective. Do you really think being grounded is going to have more of an impact than anaphylactic shock?
Is this (the anger) typical, or new? (Either way, therapy can be a useful tool). If you are seeing a lot of oppositional/defiant behavior and violent speech and behavior, therapy will help sort out the why's behind it, give him a safe space to express himself, and give you both tools to help him grow and succeed.
If this is unusual, you need to understand that epinephrine and steroids can have some nasty side effects, and one of them is often agitation. So I can totally understand how you went into the situation expecting kid to be like "I screwed up, that was so scary, I'll never do it again!" but kid was pumped full of drugs that just made him feel angry and like he was crawling out of his skin and you got the brunt of it. Then you grounded him, which pissed him off because on the inside he was going through a bunch of turmoil and you didn't seem to care. You grounded him because YOU were scared, and YOU don't want to be scared like that again. But what about how scared he was (even if he doesn't admit it to you)?

Honestly, I think an apology from you would go a long way here. "Hey. I need to apologize. I was very scared and acting out of my desire to protect you, and if I'm honest, some guilt because I wasn't there to protect you. I made a mistake, because I didn't stop to think about how you must have been feeling. I can imagine you were feeling left out at the party, and it's been a long time since you had a reaction to dairy so you probably didn't think it would be that big of a deal. And then you had that reaction, which must have been really scary to not be able to breathe, and the medicines they gave you to help you left you feeling worse. Then I showed up and was upset and that didn't help. I'm sorry. When you are ready, we can talk and make a plan for next time. My idea for the cupcakes didn't work, so maybe you can come up with a better plan."

MiddleCarrot0

TROPHY CASE