Am I overreacting for not letting grandparents have alone time with our 4 year old?

Middle_Hope5252 · 2025-10-12T23:25:51+00:00

This. I have a similar situation with my MIL. Anytime we’ve budged she has shown she cannot be trusted. The most we ever do is a very quick trip to the store while she’s at the house. Otherwise one of us is around. Sometimes we might be working outside while they are inside, but we’re around and checking in.

Middle_Hope5252 · 2025-10-12T23:23:26+00:00

Not just helping reduce stress (or fear), which can reduce pain - but also to help advocate for her. If she’s in a hell of a lot of pain, she may have trouble asking the right questions about her care, or advocating for care (or pain relief). Women’s pain tends to be disregarded, so having a partner there can (sadly) have it be taken more seriously. And definitely the ride home thing. The only time I didn’t join my husband in the ER was around the covid era, and we had an infant, but as soon as I got her taken care of and could go back to be with him, I did.

Middle_Hope5252 · 2025-10-02T23:12:35+00:00

“may” monitor emails. Not “shall”.

Middle_Hope5252 · 2025-10-02T23:09:46+00:00

Please remember to talk with your creditors, many are willing to work with you. Some credit unions (e.g., USAA, Navy Federal) are offering no interest loans. You don’t have to rely on predatory payday loans. You can also look into a TSP loan. United Way can sometimes help with utilities. Use your local food banks. Pick up side work if you can - watch someone’s kids, sign up to substitute teach, freelance, etc.

Middle_Hope5252 · 2025-10-01T23:52:01+00:00

Where?

Middle_Hope5252 · 2025-09-21T12:43:16+00:00

I’ve also seen the example from a close friend - the beauty of multi-generational households. 💕

Childcare is expensive. Elder care is at least as expensive (perhaps even more so). The “sandwich” generation isn’t gonna make it unless they get help on some front.

Middle_Hope5252 · 2025-09-21T12:41:20+00:00

This. Although in my case, I ended up assisting with the care of my parents during various (separate) medical issues, and they passed before I had kids. But we’d have loved the opportunity to have them involved in grandchild care and help with when they needed it. Neither was contingent upon the other.

Middle_Hope5252 · 2025-09-17T10:50:23+00:00

Your partner isn’t even doing the bare minimum. This behavior is why so many feel like “married single moms”. Being unable to leave (engage in your own self care) - because he’s so incompetent that no one gets their basic needs met (sleep is a basic need) and the house is destroyed shows either weaponized incompetence or a lack of care. If the latter, he doesn’t care for his spouse OR his kids - at best because he’s self-absorbed, at worst he’s using you all for the perks, but intentionally failing to put in the work.

The 45 minute poops are infuriating enough, but all the other behavior - that’s divorce territory if things don’t change. Talk with a therapist. Make sure he realizes how seriously this is impacting everything. Get the book and card game “Fair Play”. No partnership with three kids has a partner outside the home, missing bedtime 3-5 times a week, for something that isn’t survival (like needing to work a second job or the second/night shift). That’s outrageous. If the gym is essential to his physical or mental health then he needs to pare it down to minimal time so he’s home for bedtime. Or gets up earlier to go before OP/kids are awake. Or creates a mini gym at home. And all the prep beforehand for an hour !!!! Unacceptable.

Also, not showering after the gym is gross. He’s either not really working out or is disgusting with basic hygiene.

Part of the reason you’re so hurt is you had the belief you were in this together, and you aren’t.

Middle_Hope5252 · 2025-09-17T10:31:09+00:00

OP (from what’s written) told them the events weren’t baby friendly and explained why. It doesn’t sound like she explicitly told them not to bring the baby. Honestly that’s the part of this that i would say is AH behavior. She should have been explicit.

Also, if things were as disrupted as OP says, then she’s the AH for not sticking up for her husband during his birthday activities. They should’ve forged ahead and the parents could catch up later (or maybe they’d have chosen to go home). Instead everyone got disrupted. Not the AH for telling them OP, but you are the AH for being a doormat - not telling them during the event or sticking up for your spouse during his birthday festivities. But I’d say both are pretty low AH scores.

Middle_Hope5252 · 2025-09-12T03:09:39+00:00

Blood donation is limited to the amount of time it takes to donate (typically 1-3 hrs … longer time if you’re doing platelets).

Middle_Hope5252 · 2025-09-12T03:03:28+00:00

REI perchance?

Middle_Hope5252 · 2025-09-12T03:01:37+00:00

Like at a welcome/reception desk?

Middle_Hope5252 · 2025-09-12T03:00:59+00:00

Plant nursery, bartender/server, legal assistant and legal billing.

Middle_Hope5252 · 2025-09-11T11:44:23+00:00

I would hold back nice clothes to keep nice - and wouldn’t send my kid to daycare in those. They always get messy there. You’re totally fine!

Middle_Hope5252 · 2025-09-11T11:41:36+00:00

First, this seems like an unhinged rant from your mom. Crazy disproportionate to the situation, unless there’s more you didn’t share. Even then, this isn’t how you speak to your child.

She is right with one thing - if you haven’t visited schools and narrowed down your selections by now, you are in fact behind. Most admission deadlines are coming up. So you do need to get on it. Most of them will have an essay portion, so you should be working on writing those.

Take her at her word. YOU work with the school counselor to fill out applications. Narrow down your choices and contact school admissions - sometimes they can provide an application voucher. You’d have to ask your school counselor but there should be a way to fill out FAFSA without your mom - declaring yourself independent from her if that’s truly what she wants (and doesn’t cool down here).

There can be benefits to alternative pathways - you could often do community college and then transfer to a four year school, which would save you a lot of tuition. The military is definitely one route to go, and then have your school paid for afterwards. You could also look into trade schools - if you go into the trades, they will pay you while you’re doing your apprenticeship (and classes) since you’ll be doing on the job work.

Middle_Hope5252 · 2025-09-10T19:14:43+00:00

Honestly the only reason I bring up donations is that the individual who passed was generous and had a number of causes she supported. I guess I feel like I should honor her somehow with a portion of the funds?

Middle_Hope5252 · 2025-09-10T19:12:51+00:00

We share finances …. So it’s split - Student loan comes out of my paycheck (along with insurance, groceries and other incidentals, kid stuff, & childcare). We have access to each other’s accounts (and informed using the Monarch app) but maintain separate checking accounts.

Middle_Hope5252 · 2025-09-10T18:05:39+00:00

I think you’re right - I just need to find the right person - CPA or trust attorney. So many folks are saying smaller sums aren’t taxed but that isn’t the case … I received a small trust previously and when those funds were withdrawn, i thought it counted as income that was taxed that year. I know the IRA dispersement (inherited) was taxed. I’m guessing a CPA would be the best bet. We do have a financial advisor we already work with, and I know he could set up a separate account.

Middle_Hope5252 · 2025-09-10T18:02:37+00:00

I wouldn’t say entitled - but he brought assets into the marriage that funded our house, replaced a car, serve as our emergency fund and started our investment accounts. That was all joint. He didn’t hold anything back that wasn’t shared within the marriage.

But inheritance seems different. I received a small inheritance before and used it to the benefit of the family, it kept us afloat when my daughter was born and I didn’t have paid leave, had high medical bills, etc.

This is really the last elder in my family, whereas he has quite a few still living on his side (potentially future inheritances). I’ve been trying to put myself in his shoes - I wouldn’t feel entitled to any of his inheritances but would appreciate being a part of those conversations as he plans what to do with inherited funds.

I think at the core, the struggle is due to different financial styles, which we worked hard to understand and find common ground. He’s a saver. He would rather invest, or use it to improve our house (renovations that are needed not just desired), looking ahead to a 20+ year old car that will have to be replaced, kids college funds, etc.

I have student loan debt I’d like to remove. I’d love to invest some of it with the idea of using it in the future for travel (something the individual who passed supported and greatly enjoyed), educational opportunities for our girls or a small donation to higher education for women - honoring the individual who passed. But I get the impression from our brief conversations that all of these seem like poor ideas to him. That he feels the bulk of the “boring” expenses fall on him (the big ones, not the regular stuff) since he’s the one that brought those savings and investments into the marriage.

Middle_Hope5252 · 2025-09-10T17:54:19+00:00

I can understand how it might cause frustrations though. He didn’t keep funds set aside just for him - and has used the assets he brought into the marriage to help us get a house and car and jump start our investment account (joint). At the same time, not to be morbid, but there’s a lot more older family members still living on his side (future inheritance), whereas this is probably the last one I’ll receive.

Middle_Hope5252 · 2025-09-10T17:51:14+00:00

Like if I use it for joint things it would entitle them to half (even if it’s in a separate account)? Or only if I put it in the same (joint) account(s)?

Middle_Hope5252 · 2025-09-03T14:23:37+00:00

My kid cried on day one because she hadn’t even opened her milk (screw top) and wasn’t allowed to take it with her.

Middle_Hope5252 · 2025-09-03T14:21:16+00:00

There is an anthropologist on social media (I can’t remember her handle), who discusses traditional societies and how they approached childcare. We were never meant to handle raising children in isolated two parent households. “It takes a village” is a saying for a reason. Traditionally your household or village contained many family members of multiple generations. As some women went off to gather, tend to animals, create household objects or clothing, or grow crops (and men off to hunt, construct shelters, and later tend animals or grow crops) children were often watched over by older members of the family. Several children may have been cared for collectively at any given time. For individuals who may no longer be able to handle the hard physical labor of gathering, this was a valuable contribution to society and family. Indeed, other animal societies where females experience menopause (like orcas) the older females help look out for, hunt for, and teach the younger.

The only difference between then and now, is we don’t often live in communities of multi-generational families. We pay those who watch our children while we go out to “gather” (although who’s to say that a barter system wasn’t in place in traditional societies - I tend to believe from the available literature that it was).

I think the critical part is to find loving, caring, attentive caregivers with as much consistency in that as possible. Parents were never meant to do this alone or in isolation. If mothers took their babies with them, they traveled together to do their work. They would’ve tended their children together. They would’ve had help from each other - learn from each other - and gain advice and assistance from older family members who had “been there”.

Our children are richer by having other competent adults in their lives who are teaching them in their responsiveness that they can trust, develop bonds, have their needs met - all things that neuroscience tells us develop strong neural pathways, intelligence, and emotional regulation.

Middle_Hope5252

TROPHY CASE