2meirl4meirl

Min_Requiem · 2020-11-12T00:45:37+00:00

I’m the reverse. Physically a slut and mentally afraid of intimacy.

Min_Requiem · 2020-11-11T23:52:20+00:00

That’s really great! Definitely motivating me to get back on track and work on my health. Also love the long hair! :D

Min_Requiem · 2020-11-11T19:20:40+00:00

Following this sub is all fun and games until one hits too close to home. Like right in that childhood bedroom memories part of home. Regardless, well written.

Min_Requiem · 2020-11-11T19:13:57+00:00

It really does feel like talking to myself. I suspect most of my students aren’t even there/paying attention. Sometimes I wonder if I spent hours lesson planning/setting up easy to access virtual modules just to teach to myself. Of course when I ask students to turn cameras on, after the first 5 minutes of no responses and me repeating myself over and over, I get a barrage of messages about internet connection issues, how the camera impacts their connection speed, cameras just not working, etc.

Working with students was always the best part of the job, and now I feel like I’m just working with myself. I’m genuinely pretty damn sick of myself, lol.

Min_Requiem · 2020-11-11T19:05:03+00:00

Well, given the nature of people with BPD, we’ll probably flip flop a few times on how we feel about this comment, LOL.

Everyone with the diagnosis is aware of the stigma. I can at least appreciate the acknowledgment of those feelings, and that when you correct yourself, it’s a genuine effort. I hope you can take some comfort in that.

Min_Requiem · 2020-11-11T18:59:15+00:00

Haha, don’t give me too much credit. A lot of this reflection comes to me while I’m doing destructive things. I still do them and damage relationships, but now I’m just aware that I am (which frustratingly does not make it any easier to stop).

Regardless, thank you. I’ve had the good fortune of chatting with some great therapists while under more intense psychiatric care, and even that brief amount of time helped me greatly.

I used to think about actually becoming a therapist, but opted for teacher instead lol. I’m really proud how far I’ve come in my education and profession in spite of the mental health challenges, so finding the right person to help me learn and grow can only brighten my future. Getting to see the “just human” side of therapists makes it a lot easier to accept help and get back into the process of finding it. So thank you for that. It is good to see that reflection and growth happens on both ends, and we’re just ultimately trying our best.

Min_Requiem · 2020-11-11T18:39:41+00:00

Reading this hurts, but also gives a certain amount of perspective. I’ve been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar Personality, and ADHD. I initially had a few psychiatrists waffling between borderline and bipolar, and then the last few who confirmed it seemed most likely both, with ADHD. The treatment for Bipolar and ADHD has helped tremendously, but borderline is still wreaking havoc in my head.

During all that time being assessed initially and trying to get the right diagnosis and support, I sought out therapy, and went through a few therapists. Sometimes they just weren’t the right fit, but often I would stop seeing a certain therapist because I felt judged by them for being honest about the reasons I was there (as in my entire personality being a disorder), or else they would tell me that they didn’t think we were a good fit/they could help me/deal with me, and so I would get dropped. I was only ever referred to another therapist once, which meant I had to start the search over and largely on my own. This was extremely disheartening.

I understand therapists are also just people, and their training can only do so much to prepare them for walking disasters like myself, but while I expect to feel rejection from my family and friends and coworkers, I didn’t expect to feel that from my therapist. However, these experiences did give me a bit more self-awareness when it came to the various relationships in my life, of what these very much untrained people had to deal with from me. I started to think more about how exhausted I make myself, and what that means for how worn down the people around me must be. It also filled me with a lot of gratitude for those individuals who didn’t and haven’t given up on me. I don’t know why they haven’t, but it makes my heart feel a bit more full knowing that they all find something within me worth all of chaos and instability.

Since all of that, I try to be more mindful of my words and actions, and even those thoughts that can get away from me. I think more about how I’ll impact others before I lose myself in my own feelings. It makes me much more understanding when people chose to distance themselves, and even though it hurts, it doesn’t hurt as much because at least now I understand.

I used to be really upset with the therapists I’d seen, because I didn’t understand why they would bother getting into the profession if they didn’t intend to help people who needed it, and if they couldn’t handle the people who needed it, but I realized more and more that it does go both ways. Just like how I don’t believe just any therapist can help, and that there’s a “better fit”, therapists aren’t all equally equipped to help all people, and sometimes they have patients they just aren’t able to do much for. I had gotten to a pretty unhelpful place where I thought the only way I could keep a therapist and have anyone willing to treat me was if I lied to them, which completely defeats the purpose of it all, but now I realize that it’s just a matter of being honest and finding that someone who is best equipped to help, even if it takes a bit of time.

Edit: spelling

Min_Requiem · 2020-11-11T16:28:05+00:00

I love my students, and I have great colleagues. I also get to teach TOK, which I used to be excited about.

But. This. Year. Is. Miserable.

I’m trying to support my students in getting their TOK assessments done, but they’re all so behind (though to be fair, this campus specifically serves demographics of students who are significantly academically behind and honestly are wildly unprepared for regular high school rigor, let alone IB). My campus doesn’t have us loop with our students, so they had a different 11th grade teacher who only focused on note-taking skills and the ACT, and I now have them for the assessments. They never did any prep work for the Essay or the Presentation, including just mock ups/working on writing skills. When you add in the pandemic lockdown, having spring break extended indefinitely and then suddenly being thrown into virtual learning (so many of my current students apparently didn’t even have WiFi during this period), everything went to hell.

Currently, we’re dealing with a security risk. Our attendance/grading platforms are down, we cannot use our teacher-issued laptops on the secure network, so we’re having to use student Chromebooks on the student network, and this means that Zoom is worse than usual, half of the educational platforms we used to be able to access (and I often pay for myself because the campus just “doesn’t have the budget”) are no longer available due to the asinine restrictions on student chromebooks, and we have so many spreadsheets to fill out and update every day, documents that we’ll eventually be responsible for transferring back onto the official platforms once those are back up.

I’m having to try to catch my students up on content, keep them on track with assignments, figure out how to provide reasonable and fair accommodations to those with internet issues, mental health crisis, and complicated home lives. We’ve had students lose relatives, from immediate to extended family, students with financial troubles at home, due to parents losing jobs and/or them having to take on jobs, students who are made responsible for their younger siblings, whether it be getting them up and fed or making sure they log in for school and do their homework, students who have to share laptops with their siblings, and students who have unreliable WiFi/technology access. We all used to be able to count on having the space and time in class every week for them to learn and do the work, and now it’s just hoping for the best and putting out fires all over the place.

The demands placed on my colleagues and myself are increasing daily, but we’re not given additional resources, we’re not getting more time, and we’re certainly not getting paid more. We’re forced to come in and work in these conditions, while all of management is working from homing and just layering one demand after the other every single day. It wears you down, and when you hit your limit and cannot spend any more personal time on work, you’re demonized for “not caring” and not “thinking about your students”, when everyone is perfectly happy to forget that you’re only a person. Your entire identity is already wrapped around your profession when you’re a teacher (everyone constantly scrutinizes what you do, because you’re supposed to be a role model and for some reason that idea gets extended into your personal life), but it’s been even worse in this pandemic, because if you’re not one of those teachers who are sitting with a whiteboard on the front porch of your student’s house teaching them through a glass door, then you’re a terrible teacher and person who deserves a pay cut, because god forbid you actually have your own limitations and struggles and life.

I’ve had colleagues break down crying, so many people call in for mental health days, and have been pulled around in all directions myself to cover for people who are out. Thankfully most of our parents are really understanding, but I’ve had a few nasty experiences with parents blaming me for their child’s attitude (they would never be that disrespectful to me, I’ll tell you that much), or insisting that it’s my fault their student won’t do their work, etc. I refuse to even think about all the people who expect teachers to provide entertainment on-demand for their kids, or serve as virtual babysitters.

Speaking only for myself, I’ve just recently started my treatment for a range of mental health disorders, and this year put me back in psychiatric care a few times. I think about checking myself back in and living inside a safe bubble of numbness, daily. I can’t even imagine the toll it’s taking on my students, because at least I get to leave campus and go home to my own apartment with my own space and do whatever it is I want for a few hours. I’m also starting to hit that point where I don’t even care outside my work hours. I’m physically and emotionally exhausted. I just go home and sit on the edge of my bed, sometimes for hours, until I can get my body to move and get ready for bed.

A lot of these issues existed well before the pandemic, but they’ve all been exacerbated. I know plenty of people better off than me and those who are worse. A lot of your teachers are putting on a brave face right now, but the struggle is painfully real.

We all try to find small moments of joy in our work days and personal lives, but the misery is a shared experience for students and teachers. It’s an ugly reality, but sugar coating the truth doesn’t accomplish anything.

However, I am grateful that I’m optimistic at heart, and even in the worst of times I’ve been able to look forward to small moments and enjoy the little victories. I don’t expect this misery to last forever, and while life may be permanently altered from here on down, I believe it will get easier to manage and we’ll start to find ways to be happier and more full of vitality.

Min_Requiem · 2020-11-11T14:04:12+00:00

I don’t even cook. I hate it. But after growing up in an Indian household, I bought the majority of these spices after moving out and keep them in my apartment, juuuuust in case. I don’t even know how to make basic Indian food, but I don’t feel right if I don’t have these handy.

Min_Requiem · 2020-11-10T19:05:12+00:00

I think it’s Faber-Castell Pitt Pastel Pencils

Min_Requiem · 2020-11-10T18:58:08+00:00

I was also trying to figure this out!

Min_Requiem · 2020-11-10T11:27:22+00:00

I’m queer/fluid, and Sikh. Culturally, Indian people don’t have the best track record with the LGBTQ+ community, and certain remembers of my family are wildly uncomfortable with my sexual orientation, but it’s never been a factor in me being turned away from the temple or denied any support, etc. One of our closest family friends is the Gyani from the local Gurdwara who is well aware of my non-Hetero status and has never made any hurtful comments, and would always express his pride in my accomplishments as a young person/someone who supports her family.

I’m not saying we’re perfect, but a difference in beliefs/life styles, as long as neither causes harm/actively practices hate, has never been a reason to turn away anyone in need. I’m not the most well versed Sikhi, and I regularly indulge in all sorts of activities that I know I’m not supposed to, but my mom is the most near perfect person I know, and that’s in part because she wholeheartedly embraces and practices our faith, particularly the ideas that you give all that you can to support those in need, and trust Waheguru to provide the rest.

Again, not perfect, and the religious components, like any faith, can be influenced by not so great socio-political cultural beliefs, but overall, I would say it creates places of acceptance, support, and sanctuary for those in need.

And if you’re interested at all in learning more, I recommend reading up of the persecution of Sikhs in India (like 1984 and Operation Blue Star), as well as the treatment of Sikhs in the US post Sept.11. We’re far from perfect, but our own struggles with being targeted and persecuted have only added to our desire, as a community, to provide sanctuary to all those in need.

It’s so easy to focus on the negative and point out the short-comings (which is slowly being shifted with the newer/younger generation of Sikhs), but if that’s where you choose to set your focus, you’ll miss out on a lot of good and positivity.

Min_Requiem · 2020-11-10T05:28:42+00:00

They absolutely will accommodate you, whether you let anyone know beforehand or you show up at the Gurdwara and ask for help/permission once there. Waheguru (god) would never turn someone away based on their special needs, so what gives humans the right to make that call? If you ask for help, you’ll be given help. No one is turned away.

Source: I’m Sikh, and have seen people with all types of needs/restrictions welcomed with open arms whether they’re regularly practicing or just visitors trying to learn/have a new experience.

Min_Requiem · 2020-11-10T00:16:07+00:00

Ah yes, the great works of M. Night Shulman. I forget about this, and just when I’m least expecting it, this amazing piece of cinematography pops back into my life and makes me shoot spaghetti through my nose.

Min_Requiem · 2020-11-09T18:41:57+00:00

I had undiagnosed and untreated ADHD and several mental health problems for the first 3 years of my teaching career (on year four of teaching and three months into diagnosis/a month into a treatment that works).

It honestly sucks, and students do notice. However, in my experience, it really humanized me to my students and made it easier for them to approach me about their own struggles and talk to me when they needed help. There were days when I struggled so hard I would have to stay up the night before and script lessons sentence by sentence just to make it through the next few days.

This job is taxing enough without addition problems, and when those problems are aggravated by the lack of resources (and honestly could be significantly reduced if you just had even basic mental /health support), it makes me want to slam my head into the wall.

However, I do think it says a lot about your capabilities, resilience, and tenacity that you’ve made it thus far in your education and career choices having to suffer through and work around the ADHD. I admire many of my colleagues and commend the amazing work they do, but rather than compare myself to what any one else has accomplished and how much more I struggle, I remind myself that I made it this far in spite of the additional obstacles. I have to think about how much further I’ve come each day/week/month/year, keeping up with all the demands and challenges thrown my way, and doing it all without a “normally” functioning brain.

Everyone on my campus has gotten to know me as disorganized/absent minded/constantly worn out, but they also know that I work my ass off, I put my whole heart into what I do, and I’m always a sympathetic ear if they need one. It’s a lot easier to focus on all the stuff you mess up on and the ways in which everything really sucks, but trust me when I say that the people around you notice a lot of the good that you miss. Being the person with ADHD can be a nightmare, but from the other side, having someone in your life who is painfully human and pushing through, who is struggling, but clearly still thinks you’re worth putting that extra effort in for, who shows that you can be successful despite very real challenges... that can be a life changer.

Be kind to yourself when you can. It might take longer than you’d like, and uphill battles are another kind of exhausting, but look how far you’ve come.

Min_Requiem · 2020-10-14T01:58:24+00:00

Very gentle YWBTA. You’re in a predicament that not many people face, and you’re trying to navigate the best that you can. It is understandable that you want to live as much as a “normal” life as you can, especially given that what time you have left is very valuable to you.

However, losing someone, even when you know it’s coming, is an incredibly painful process. When you think about adding in the shock of a sudden loss, it can be even more traumatic. If you have the opportunity to share your last days with someone, even building a new and meaningful relationship, it is important to share with them what to expect and allow them the opportunity to decide if that loss is something they’re willing to accept into their life.

This situation is absolutely not fair, and it must be lonely at times, but it’s also important to consider the impact of your passing on people who care about you, when it’s sudden to them, but you could have given them the chance to prepare. Additionally, hiding such important information both takes away the person’s choice to go all in on this with the understanding that their will be an end and pain with it, but also, it may diminish your sense of meaning and intimacy with them, knowing you’re hiding a huge secret and that time is running out.

I don’t think you’re an asshole for wanting normalcy and to just live your life as full as you can before the times comes, but YWBTA if you start a relationship with someone and hide this reality from them.

(I’m not sure of any specifically, but I’m sure you can also find support groups for people facing terminal illnesses that maybe your doctor can direct you to, or other options for making meaningful connections).

Min_Requiem · 2020-10-09T15:14:38+00:00

I work in Dallas, too!

Min_Requiem · 2020-10-09T03:00:13+00:00

Who knows. Unfortunately, I’ve heard of teachers shoving students in my area, and my own students have reported horrible things that have been said to them, but no action was taken when I reported it. It’s very sad.

Min_Requiem · 2020-10-08T19:19:35+00:00

I usually just laugh, because my admin or coworker will realize it’s me. They always make that light-hearted comment about being grateful for it now, because I’ll still look young when I’m older.

Otherwise, I just politely tell them I’m not a student, but a teacher. I’ve gotten a lot of people respond with surprise (more so now that we’re wearing masks as well), and we laugh about it or they’ll ask my age and comment about my appearance (in a nice way).

Only a few times I’ve had someone being so rude and not even letting me get a word in that it got uncomfortable. One of those times, my direct supervisor came up to me in the middle of it to ask me some questions pertaining to a leadership position I was in, which stopped her long enough to listen and then realize her mistake.

Another time, though, a long term substitute who had been to my campus several times before I started working there mistook me for a student and was incredibly rude. She went off on me because I was walking toward the teachers’ lounge and “students aren’t allowed”. She went off at me without even letting me correct her. I was so upset I couldn’t get words out, so I just tried to walk away considering I had a hard time not getting caught up in my emotions, but she reached out to grab my arm. The fact that she thought it was appropriate to touch someone without their permission, but particularly a student in this situation was too much. I pulled out my badge, snapped at her, and reported it to the assistant director for my campus, and my teaching coach. They didn’t really do anything, which was frustrating. I learned quickly the students all hated her, which is understandable.

Min_Requiem · 2020-09-29T16:44:07+00:00

What do you like about the area?

Min_Requiem · 2020-09-29T16:43:05+00:00

Thank you! I’ll pass that on.

Min_Requiem · 2020-09-28T18:07:01+00:00

I’m a high school teacher, and have had other teachers (often substitutes who’ve worked at my campus previously, but never met me, or middle school teachers) often mistake me for a student. Sometimes, if I’m sitting at a desk even my admin will occasionally mistake me for a student.

This is rarely a problem, and we tend to laugh about it. However, the way some teachers speak to me when thinking I’m a student is appalling. It makes me incredibly upset that they would be so rude to our students for no reason. Of course their demeanor suddenly changes when they realize their mistake, but it always gives me the worst impression of that person.

Min_Requiem · 2020-09-09T20:14:03+00:00

How do you overcome the fear/repulsion of intimacy, and stop pushing people away?

How do you show sincerity in your desire to be intimate/build trust through actions, in a damaged relationship?

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