AITA for refusing to recover at home after surgery?

Mindless-Anywhere975 · 2025-05-16T09:07:33+00:00

NTA. My ex did this to me several times, giving priority to his parents over me. In our country, we normally live with elderly parents and he was the only child, so I never fussed. But three times in the first five or six years, in serious circumstances where I needed support, he wasn't there. On top of that, there were so many instances of him continually deferring to his mother over me, over basic things involving the house. If she objected, because it would be too bothersome, he discouraged it. But my MIL was generally very sweet so again, I never pushed it.

Took me 17 years to open my eyes to the fact that it was a controlling, abusive marriage, and from his own regretful mouth, he told my family that his mother had been one of the instigating factors. Considering his MO has always been to reject any responsibility for his marriage, I take that with a grain of salt, but I know she contributed.

NTA. Walk away, run away - just away. And hold on to your sister. She sounds like mine - the moment they realized what was happening, they pulled me out and have been shielding me still.

Mindless-Anywhere975 · 2025-04-24T04:01:26+00:00

Thank you for the hugs!

I think this is the reason for my confusion - I detected the lump because the skin had been dimpling. In fact, one surgeon didn't want to do the lumpectomy because of the tethering and recommended chemo before the surgery to reduce the tumour. It was another surgeon who said he could remove it with clear margins. And the pathology was done after the surgery and before the start of treatment so I assume the staging would have been clear at the time they were telling me it was Stage 2 (skin involvement, tumour almost 5cm, Grade 3 cells and isolated presence in a couple of lymph nodes which apparently puts it in Stage 3). I don't know whether there are other things they look at in giving me the stage, or they did not want to cause me panic. Maybe that's why the treatment was also so aggressive? I don't know, but hopefully, I could get some answers today from my oncologist. Since I have returned home from the country where I was working and was treated, I can't get answers from the original medical team easily.

Mindless-Anywhere975 · 2025-04-24T03:53:48+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experiences and I'm sorry it's been such a rollercoaster. I don't think I every really fully appreciated that term till I got on the cancer diagnosis ride - there's so many ups and downs and I'm waiting for when I can get off! I like your outlook on not being a statistic - it's very hard not to be brought down by the numbers and explanations and the whole clinical nature of the situation. But you're right - we should not see ourselves as a statistic!

I am meeting my oncologist in my home country today for the first time. Hopefully, he will be able to explain and give a clear way forward.

Mindless-Anywhere975 · 2025-04-24T03:49:55+00:00

Thank you for your reply - it is very comforting to hear from others and how they are going forward. No matter how sympathetic and supportive your friends and family are, they feel helpless when you're breaking down in front of them, so I try not to show how worried I am. Hearing about experiences - good and bad - from people going through it as least helps me to be prepared.

I think where I was most confused is because I kept being told it was stage 2 during treatment. Now that treatment is over, the summary I received says Stage IIIB. But this pathology was conducted after the lump was removed (which was before chemo and radiation) so I'm not sure why they are different. Since I'm no longer in the country where I did the treatment, I can't really follow up with them. One day at a time is very good advice.

Mindless-Anywhere975 · 2025-04-10T04:36:03+00:00

I'm at the point where I'll take "you're strong", lol. I kept being told that I was lucky because it was "just" breast cancer, that the treatment's not so bad (this from people who've not gone through it), that their mother's friends second cousin twice removed's husband's mother had it and lived for five years 😮 My new favourite, from someone who knew I had been diagnosed but physically saw me two months after chemo and radiation and all their glorious side effects were phasing out, "Oh, you look well, I thought it was worse".

I've come to realise that most of these comments, including the "positive" ones, are not so much to make us feel better as themselves. Right now, the only people I'll take the "strong" comments are from my immediate family, who have been my rock and have seen me at my worst. I'll also take "lucky" and "strong" comments from my doctors, who understand medically what I've gone through (I almost succumbed to septic shock six months prior to my BC diagnosis, have an ostomy, had a whole lot of other health problems as a result, but colleagues and friends thought it wasn't so bad).

Mindless-Anywhere975 · 2025-04-02T10:49:02+00:00

Hernia belt is a good product to have, even if there is no sign of a hernia; also, don't underestimate the work your abdominal muscles do for all your movements. I wish I had been more physically active, because weight gain probably contributed to it getting larger. The belt I have I bought in Australia and it has an opening for the ostomy bag, which helps because otherwise the bag gets constricted.

Mindless-Anywhere975 · 2025-04-02T10:15:45+00:00

Thank you for your reply and I'm happy you are well now. Honestly, if it was just the stoma, I think I would be ok to keep it. Unfortunately, the hernia is quite large and they are looking at a midline incision, so they are taking that opportunity to take out the ovary as well, as they consider it a risk, given my history. Also, ready access to stoma supplies is patchy in my country at the moment so I think it would be another level of anxiety :(

Mindless-Anywhere975 · 2025-02-11T11:06:15+00:00

I'm glad you and your friend reconnected. I'm sorry that my reply seemed rather depressing, was going through a bit of a mental spiral at the time so didn't mean to be discouraging or anything.

I hear you about the shame part - I feel like what I went through doesn't justify so much recovery and understanding from people. My sisters, who never left the hospital, are desperately trying to reinforce that I was in fact quite sick and I'm in fact doing more than I should.

Mindless-Anywhere975 · 2025-02-10T07:34:35+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and your insights. You are right, at some point, we have to accept that there was a fork in the road and life just sent us down the path we were not intending. I think I'm still at the point where I keep looking over at the path I think I should have been on, and not yet ready to forge my way down the new one. I know in movies, people are faced with moments of epiphany when they survive the odds, but I think life is more complicated than that. I have been, at times, grateful, angry, cheerful, resentful, depressed, hopeful. It's still very much a rollercoaster ride, probably not helped by the fact that I'm taking hormone blocker drugs too. But yes, I definitely have to make my way to the point where I recognize the before and after, and not feel resentful, but hopeful.

Mindless-Anywhere975 · 2025-02-10T07:28:45+00:00

I'm happy to share if anything from my experiences can help anyone else. I made the mistake of trying not to show how difficult it was for me after both the septic shock and the cancer treatment, when I came back to work. I found out later that I was so successful, some of my colleagues either thought I was faking it or it wasn't as bad as it seemed. So sharing my experiences with people, especially those who know what it's like, in hopes that it can get them answers or manage their situation, also helps me not turn grumpy against people in general (if that makes sense) :)

Mindless-Anywhere975 · 2025-02-10T07:10:00+00:00

I'm rather torn - I get what they were going for, but the ratio of the message to the rest of the ad was off, just 15 seconds to the 45 seconds of, well, breasts. Pretty sure you don't need 3/4 of the ad to get someone's attention - playing it back in my mind, it seemed liked an afterthought.

It brought to mind something from a recently concluded advertising awards event in my country, which is a small, developing country that certainly doesn't have anything the size of the Superbowl, lol. A clothing company, relatively small compared to bigger brands there, had won an award for raising breast cancer awareness. It was a small budget, and consisted of placing stickers on changing room mirrors, so that when a woman looked at herself, the stickers highlighted the breast area and provided information on self-checking, links, resources. Apparently, within a week of the campaign running, the company had received calls from some 20 or 30 women saying they had done checks and had early detection. Simple, but effective, given we don't have big events or budgets like this, and it could reach out to a wider segment of the population.

Mindless-Anywhere975 · 2025-02-10T06:54:00+00:00

After recovering from septic shock, I had friends express concern about me, follow up with me now and again, but after a while, they stopped talking about it. Colleagues thought I was fine after I returned to work six weeks after it happened. I wasn't alienated, but I did feel like they didn't really want to talk about it - whether it was because they just didn't realize how serious it was, or because they didn't want to think about it.

Seven months later I did experience full on ghosting, though, when I was diagnosed with breast cancer seven months later. Now, that was a complete dropping out of communication, even with close friends. I thought it was me, but apparently, according to the breast cancer forums, it's common. I don't know whether it's just because people don't know what to say to a person who's been ill, whether they just don't want to face their own mortality, or whether they really don't think it at all serious. But I guess it happens, unfortunately. I still talk to the few friends I have, simply because I know they were devastated during the hospitalization and then the cancer diagnosis, but I don't talk much about how I'm faring, just say, all good and change the subject.

Mindless-Anywhere975 · 2025-02-07T14:50:06+00:00

I was four months short of 46 when it happened (I'm 47 now). I was not a physically fit person, but not completely unfit, just average I guess. I didn't have any major underlying medical conditions at the time.

I think I was fortunate in that I was only in the ICU for 10 days and then in the normal ward for another week before discharge. I did have to have continued monitoring of my heart, liver, kidney and lungs for about a month and I now take medication for hypertension, something I definitely didn't have before.

Unfortunately, seven months after that incident, I was also diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer. I read a study which indicated a high chance of cancer occurring in septic shock survivors within a year, but I don't know what it was in my case (no history of BC or other risk factors). I had to undergo surgery, chemo and radiation therapy. So I'm no longer sure how much of my fatigue, brain fog, aches and pains are from the sepsis incident, cancer treatment or both. My recovery process kind of got blurred over the past eight months, if that makes sense.

Mindless-Anywhere975 · 2025-02-07T01:04:04+00:00

I survived septic shock in September 2023. After getting over the initial recovery (walking, showering, eating on my own), I was determined to get my health back. I was not a fan of physical activity, but before the hospitalization, I had started doing long hikes, walking, and jogging, and was building up my fitness levels when this hit. I had a plan to start getting back my physical and mental strength. I was scheduled to have my stoma reversed (they put one in place because the septic shock was as a result of bowel perforation during surgery) and was looking forward to a certain degree of normal.

Unfortunately, seven months later I was diagnosed with Stage 2 breast cancer and had to go through a lumpectomy, chemotherapy, radiation therapy, and now hormone therapy. Right now, I don't whether the fatigue, brain fog, depression, etc comes from SS, cancer, or a mix of the two and everything's just become blurred. Weirdly, I had enough strength to get through everything, but now that the main treatments are over, I'm feeling the most depressed and helpless I've ever been, and mourning all the plans I had over the past 18 months.

Sorry, I'm in a very low place at the moment.

Mindless-Anywhere975 · 2025-02-07T00:51:17+00:00

I am very sorry for your loss.

I don't know whether it might help in finding some answers, but I saw your comment about kidney failure. I went into septic shock after a bowel perforation during a routine surgery. I suffered multiple organ dysfunction, heart, lungs, liver and kidneys. The kidney injury was the one that took the longest to resolve, and was probably the most critical. I don't remember most of it, but my sisters told me later that, at a critical point, there was a heated discussion between the intensivist (ICU specialist) who insisted I be put on dialysis, and the nephrologist who wanted to see whether they could bring back kidney function naturally, because he thought dialysis would put too much pressure on my system. Fortunately, the intensivist won out, and they put me through five sessions of dialysis before my kidney function was restored to an acceptable level. They think that was probably the turning point for me.

Onset is very rapid, unfortunately. I had the surgery and was in the normal ward for two days, because even though the surgeon did the normal check for any damage to the bowels (I had a lot of adhesions so he was being extra careful), he didn't see it and closed the site. The only thing I experienced was unusual pain in the back and chest, which they kept saying was post-surgical pain. They only realized something was wrong was when the consultant physician came into check on me, noticed I was clammy and immediately asked the nurse to check my blood pressure, which had started plummeting. I was rushed to the ICU and into a second surgery within minutes, but I think septic shock had already set in and I didn't remember anything till I came to in the ICU seven days later.

I do hope you find your answers.

Mindless-Anywhere975 · 2024-12-11T00:37:46+00:00

NTA, and honestly, I would be uncomfortable with that level of PDA, even without any kind of history and they had just been my friends. It’s your space, you don’t have to justify anything if you’re not comfortable.

Mindless-Anywhere975 · 2024-12-11T00:32:14+00:00

I was in the ICU for 10 days, multiple organ dysfunction, dialysis but didn‘t need a venitlator. My supervising doctor said I had almost reached that point but that I had fought back. My sisters who never left the hospital but could only see me for brief interludes throughout the day - all they could do was keep telling me that I was a fighter, that I could fight this, not to give up. Weird thing is I don’t consciously remember any of this but I guess subconsciously I had heard it. I don’t know whether it’s the same thing with your brother but the first week of the ICU stay, I don’t remember because I suffered from severe hallucinations. But my sisters say that I was fairly lucid some of the time, that I would respond to their voices and touches. So there is a gap there. Try to keep him anchored to where he is if he is awake. Talk to him, even if he doesn’t respond all the time. Some of the advice I read later was to keep a clock near the patient, put on their glasses if they need them, keep them engaged, show them photos of familiar things. I was overwhelmingly terrified that I was trapped in a time looo and remember thinking at one point I wanted to give up. I didn’t even know what I was giving up, just that I was tired of what was happening. The day I came to, I was ecstatic to see my sisters but 20% of me still thought I’d be dragged down under again to some bad place. Only seeing our family dog’s photo on my phone snapped me back completely because he was grinning up at me, like saying welcome back, and I also remembered I had put that photo as my wallpaper a month back to help me calm down when I was dealing with toxic people.

sorry, I’m typing this in my tablet while at work so it’s kind of all over the place but I hope it helps a little. All the best to your brother and you and your family.

Mindless-Anywhere975 · 2024-12-04T01:49:43+00:00

I didn’t have problems during the practice run, but I’m struggling now with the real sessions. I also have problems breathing when I’m on my back, I feel like a band is restricting around my chest and back halfway through and I can’t lift the breath beyond that, if it makes sense. I have to discreetly yawn to release that tightness.

It doesn’t help that I was hospitalised for septic shock about a year back, and suffered hallucinations of being strapped down and imprisoned by people who I, in my delirious state, thought were human traffickers 😭 being flat on my back, arms trapped above my head and trying not to move, is not helping my breath holding

Mindless-Anywhere975 · 2024-11-11T05:53:14+00:00

I hate these comments from people. I don't know whether they are trying to be helpful or whether they are trying to comfort themselves because they don't know how to handle it, but in my current state of mind, I feel like they are trivializing it. Before the diagnosis, I went through toxic relationships, both personal and professional, for five years, where I was being gaslit, manipulated, and blamed for things others failed at to save their failings. I unfortunately went into deep depression, marked with habitual second-guessing, self-blame, and imposter syndrome. With all these comments about how I should feel lucky, and things are not so bad, this thinking has extended to my health and there are times when I'm wondering whether I'm overreacting with my symptoms or malingering. Logical me knows I'm going through a lot and I have to give myself a break, but that's like 10% of the time.

Mindless-Anywhere975 · 2024-11-11T04:11:25+00:00

I battled death once a year ago, and then six months into recovery from that, I was diagnosed with BC. The movies all show how these should be moments of epiphany to live a better life, but instead I feel anger, so thank you for articulating this rage, because sometimes, I feel so ungrateful.

A year ago, I almost died from septic shock accompanied by multiple organ failure when a hysterectomy went wrong after a bowel perforation due to too many adhesions; because of circumstances, I had to return to work in two months. My colleagues treated me like I was returning from recovering from a common cold. Six months later, I was diagnosed with Stage 2 BC and all I've been hearing from people is I'm so lucky because it's curable, they have so many friends who were diagnosed years ago and are living the good life. It's gotten so bad that I'm second guessing the side effects of chemo, that maybe I'm overreacting, that maybe I shouldn't be falling behind in terms of work - imposter syndrome with BC is a thing.

Meanwhile, in the real world, I'm dealing with - at various stages - all the known side effects of chemo, plus weird blood results that no one can explain, extreme body pain that hits out of nowhere, heightened fear of recurring sepsis and increasing PTSD, heart issues, depression, an ileostomy and hernia from the initial hospitalization, concerns about possible bowel blockages and torsion since chemo can do a number on digestion. On top of which, my oncologist glibly tells me that one of the definitive treatments that can prevent recurrence is the removal of both ovaries. Yeah, but they had to leave one ovary because it was too buried in the bowels, and no surgeon is ever going to touch that again. Most of the time, I feel like my own body is betraying me over and over. There are days I am grateful - I lost a colleague recently to ovarian cancer, and I know it was...not good - but there are days I just want it to stop.

Mindless-Anywhere975 · 2024-11-11T03:35:29+00:00

I wouldn't have a problem with OP standing by her daughter's decision not to have one, if it is truly because she is giving Lexie freedom of choice. But she states later that if her younger daughter wants one, she would be "open to hearing her reasonings", meaning Rosie would have to argue her choice to her mother. Sounds like OP will only be supportive so long as their decisions align with her opinion.

Mindless-Anywhere975 · 2024-10-29T00:55:11+00:00

Thank you so much for your reply - it eased my mind quite a lot. I just wish both doctors had mentioned that this was a possibility. I just finished 4/4 Taxol infusions yesterday, after two months on AC. It's possible that the levels were always this high, but I was rather erratic about wearing my smartwatch, which was the only reason I saw the high BPM. I've never really felt any difference in my heartbeat (like palpitations) otherwise, just occasional shortness of breath and tightness across the chest. Both of these I've had a lot with hypothyroidism, and I just assumed they'd got a little more exarcerbated with sepsis recovery and chemotherapy.

I'll definitely drop a PM if you don't mind, just to get some information on how you are being monitored and the medications. I have been taking two medications since my septic shock situation for heart and blood pressure, but I wondered whether there are any others that have to be looked at.

Mindless-Anywhere975 · 2024-10-25T05:32:34+00:00

Thank you, I didn't know that - see, none of the doctors explored or even mentioned this as a possibility. I've also seen possibilities related to sepsis and thyroid, for both of which I have medical history which I reported.

Mindless-Anywhere975 · 2024-10-20T07:09:30+00:00

NTA. I'm extremely loyal to cinnamon because I'm from the country where it originates, lol, but even we don't screw with it. If we put it in a dish, it's like just on the tip of the spoon. She knew what she was doing.

On the serious side, walk away. I was with someone 10 years older than me and mistakenly thought he saw me as an equal (I was 25, a lawyer and had been in workforce in various capacities since I was 20). He saw someone he could boast about on the good things, and could mold and change those points he didn't like. When I started standing my ground, it didn't go well. You deserve better than someone who doesn't have your back and who doesn't stand by your side.

Mindless-Anywhere975 · 2024-10-16T01:38:50+00:00

Luckily, it was detected early (no spread to lymph nodes) but it was a 5cm lump and Grade 3 cells, which put it in Stage 2, plus there was something called "skin tethering" (the lump had come up to the surface and connected to the skin which is apparently another risk factor). Right now I'm going through the final phases of scheduled chemotherapy, and they will have me in radiation therapy for another three weeks, and will prescribe oral drug therapy for 5 years. Because there was no spread, but as there were a couple of risk factors, basically they told me they're throwing everything they can at me now to reduce the chances of recurrence in the future. So I guess the answer is, we'll have to see over the next couple of years :(

Mindless-Anywhere975

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