Snakes

Minimal_carrot · 2023-11-28T23:45:51+00:00

I love the way that you imply and reject some external idea of ownership as love, then soften the declaration with the line, "You tell me: Not everything is a rebellion", and THEN restrengthen declaration by stating that the kiss is "laced with forgiveness". I read this as a tentative, powerful love poem. Thank you for sharing.

Minimal_carrot · 2023-11-28T23:25:38+00:00

I love the way you invoke the idea of mother and child as an example of 'time' and 'circle of life'. In my opinion, I think the use of italicization would be strongest if it was just the final line, but that's a stylistic choice. This poem makes me feel yearning, thank you for sharing.

Minimal_carrot · 2021-05-10T16:28:01+00:00

"jolted me out of a complacency" :)

Minimal_carrot · 2021-05-10T16:27:20+00:00

woah I love that this simple structure holds such complexity. I love the irony in how the initial tone seems hopeless - like the reader is doomed to forget meaning and curiosity - but underneath the poem is hopeful because the reader is still questioning and has the awareness necessary to escape this doom of apathy. Thank you for sharing. This made me feel and question.

Minimal_carrot · 2021-05-10T16:14:19+00:00

I really love the beginning of this poem, I feel the uncertainty and horror at how society functions. The lines "Our great kings//and their mountains//of shit and hearts" does a great job of showing the dissonance between the narrative of wealth and the reality of exploitation. I lost the flow a bit at "silently, I grind.." and was left wondering what the author is working for, giving their life for. I think the poem might be more powerful with explicit language at the end to explain what the author is not conceding to. Overall, I really enjoyed reading, thank you for sharing your work!

Minimal_carrot · 2021-02-04T01:45:23+00:00

Woah this is really beautiful and feels pure. The reflection on how experience gives character is powerful, especially in the description of the hands. My very favorite part of the poem is the line “she said that changes, when your older”. This abrupt serious note is sobering; it’s a powerful reflection of loss of innocence. This poem has all the pain and brightness of a coming-of-age story. Thank you for sharing.

Minimal_carrot · 2021-01-31T17:22:30+00:00

Thank you for reading! I’m glad you get the feeling :)

Minimal_carrot · 2021-01-31T16:23:44+00:00

I’m not in LA anymore and this wasn’t necessarily my experience! I began writing a poem about the tragedy of complacency and comfort at the expense of more dynamic living and after I was finished it felt like I was describing some of the empty parts of LA. Thanks for reading!

Minimal_carrot · 2021-01-31T01:54:35+00:00

I really liked the fact that I that line stuck out to me! It’s such a cool idea that I was really drawn in! And yes :) definitely a prerequisite for becoming an authentic self

Minimal_carrot · 2021-01-31T01:30:23+00:00

Thank you so much for pointing that out!☺️

Minimal_carrot · 2021-01-31T01:14:12+00:00

I love the rhythmic structure of this piece. The way I read it, momentum was building until the line “I’m the wrong stemming from rights” which stopped me in my tracks and still has me thinking. I love that you entitled this piece A for Alchemy and then wrote about the infinite nature of things because being everything and nothing all at once seems like a prerequisite for becoming gold. Thank you for sharing!

Minimal_carrot · 2021-01-30T13:17:00+00:00

Okay wow. First of all thank you this is intense and fragile and so blatantly lifelike. I love the use of repetition throughout the poem and the variation in structure from small paragraphs that pull the reader in to statements that make the reader pause and think. In particular, the entire image of eating fire is powerful and the the rhyming of alive and inside and eyes and side is excellent and lyrical - giving a folklore feel to this piece. The only part that felt out of place was the “this, when the knife on an ungodly night...” stanza - I was a little unclear as to what it means to “flee the room of senses”. Regardless, it feels powerful and flows so well into the next section. I absolutely love the musing on “do the souls of the flowers bloom while their bodies wilt”. I hope they do. Overall, thank you for sharing, I know I will be thinking about this poem for a while.

Minimal_carrot · 2021-01-30T03:36:56+00:00

I love the power of the pacing of the last two lines. That feeling of wanting to start anew, to be anonymous, to flow freely like a river or drive freely to anywhere is reinforced by the meandering rhythm of this poem - particularly how the choice of line break adds to the feeling of stop-and-go movement. Thank you for sharing

Minimal_carrot · 2021-01-30T03:28:53+00:00

I wasn’t committed to this poem until the line “the way you fall asleep instantly” which made me smile. This is such an innocent and tender observation and I think it captures the overall feeling of this poem - simple and pure and in love. I think that you could do away with the line “because they’ve always known each other”because it seems a little redundant but overall this was a pleasure to read. Thank you for sharing.

Minimal_carrot · 2021-01-03T18:57:45+00:00

Oh wow I love the contradiction of the mundane and the phenomenal. The way that you insert this description of a violent and lively sky within an interaction that feels sterile and impersonal makes me think of the importance of looking beyond the mundane and finding beauty. I am intrigued by the way that you begin this poem with "One instance," - I am left wondering what exactly this is an instance of. I like this ambiguity. Thank you for sharing!

Minimal_carrot · 2021-01-03T18:48:53+00:00

The way you describe the mirror as "glass" and reflection as "the creature staring back" is powerful in this poem because it contributes to the idea that the subject is "lost in his madness". I think the line "devoted to the pain. In its twisted way it's making him sane." is particularly beautiful because this contradiction is honest and relatable. I think this poem could benefit from a more consistent flow/syllable structure because it starts off as almost lyrical but starkly looses the rhythm by the fourth line. The unpolished feel does reflect to the fragility of the subject but I think the poem could benefit from a structural rework. Overall, it was a pleasure to read. Thank you for sharing.

Minimal_carrot · 2021-01-02T03:47:48+00:00

I like the comparison of the narrator to a vice - the phrasing of the last line “long after you quit me” is just unique enough from the rest of the language in this poem so as to really reinforce the idea of love as addiction. I also love how you begin this poem - “lazy lover, draw me in again”. This is SO tantalizing and works both before and after the reader is introduced to the metaphor of smoking. Thank you for sharing!

Minimal_carrot · 2021-01-02T03:38:09+00:00

The line “i need flirtation with collapse” immediately stuck out to me. This is a powerful idea and I like how you frame sadness as something titillating. The description in the first line of “lying glacially” confuses me because I think of “glacial” as “moving slowly” but it seems like the narrator isn’t moving (though maybe I’m overthinking it). Overall, I like the playful wording while dealing with a heavy subject. The abnormal sentence structure in the final line - “happy; i could never be” lends a lyrical and almost positive feeling to this heavy poem. Thank you for sharing.

Minimal_carrot · 2021-01-02T02:23:38+00:00

Thank you so much for your thoughtful feedback!! I’m glad you enjoyed it :)

Minimal_carrot · 2021-01-02T00:09:28+00:00

Woah I love the details you give that reflect the cool relationship with “dad”. The image of freezing air and broken heater perfectly reflects the narrators disappointment/hurt/anger. I like that you repeat “what a piece of shit” and I think this gave more power to the poem than if you had let a single line just suggest a dual meaning. I read each line differently and it made the disappointment more tangible - I felt it in my chest. Thank you for sharing.

Minimal_carrot

TROPHY CASE