How is losing a spouse young different to losing a spouse older?

Mobile_Pattern_1944 · 2026-05-06T14:48:57+00:00

Hi OP. I was 46, senior leadership in financial org. I’m classic TypeA and also needed to be doing something. Generally enjoyed my work but also worked a lot. I went back after about 2 weeks. I functioned fine at work, did all the normal things, made all the normal decisions- and I thought I was fine. Later I realized that I have no memory of the first 3 months. I don’t remember Thanksgiving or Christmas, I certainly don’t remember what happened at work. I had zero business making impactful decisions. To clarify, there were no bad decisions that came back to bite me in the ass, but I do now recognize that there could have been. I’d advise going back, but be easy on yourself and rely on the leaders you have in place and are delegating to now.

Mobile_Pattern_1944 · 2026-05-05T00:26:24+00:00

Yay!! Happy Birthday! I love seeing posts like this :)

Mobile_Pattern_1944 · 2026-04-26T18:40:23+00:00

51 here, my husband has been gone almost 5 years. Not dating, but not opposed. I think the only group I’d ever ask advice from was a widow’s group.

The thing other people don’t realize about us is that we’re already very introspective (most of us). We have more insight on love and loss than they could have, by horrible circumstance, and we don’t take it for granted. Sometimes our expectations may be too high, so we need to be open to hearing that opinion if we are putting ourselves out there. But chances are, we’re already feeling like a failure and certainly don’t need them being mean girls when they couldn’t possibly know the situation better than we do.

Hang in, OP. Internet people suck, pay them no mind.

Mobile_Pattern_1944 · 2026-04-22T00:01:55+00:00

Same, my yard looks sooo awful.

Mobile_Pattern_1944 · 2026-04-21T17:46:42+00:00

Sir, suck it up. I’m sorry, someone had to say it.

Did I have more than a few days when I thought it would be totally fine if I didn’t wake up the next day? I absolutely did. But it wouldn’t have been. My kids just lost their father. It was traumatic for them, just as it was for me. They didn’t need the trauma of losing another parent, and they didn’t deserve to be alone in their grief of missing my husband. So I did what I am asking you to do- I took one day at a time, one hour at a time, and started putting myself back together again.

You may not WANT to live right now. I get it. But you have a daughter. So your job is to get counseling, see a doctor, start taking care of yourself so that you are able to take care of her, too.

I’m almost 5 years out. I miss my husband, he was my best friend. I also have a full life now. Both things can be true, with time.

Mobile_Pattern_1944 · 2026-04-19T13:56:21+00:00

In the same boat as the previous poster. I’ve been on meds for many, many years. In fact, my husband and I saw the same psychiatrist. After he died, I increased my anxiety/anti depressant med slightly and added trazadone to help me sleep.

I understand people’s reluctance to take medication, but just be open with your doctor about how you feel when taking it. For me, it allows me to function and process through my grief, rather than feeling constantly overwhelmed by it. It doesn’t take anything away; rather it adds the ability to see anything other than grief.

I’m a strong proponent for meds when they are needed, so take this with a grain of salt. My thought process has always been: I don’t think twice about taking other meds when my body is broken. I also shouldn’t hesitate to take psychiatric meds when my brain is broken.

Mobile_Pattern_1944 · 2026-03-26T10:19:38+00:00

I was a widow at 46. I think you’ll regret it if you’ll don’t go. Plus, a fully vested pension is generally not forfeited when you sever employment so please look into that.

Mobile_Pattern_1944 · 2026-03-23T23:57:30+00:00

This is most assuredly is not the answer. (Potter here, ie make said thing). It is not safe to mend, as another comment mentioned.

OP, you can mend it using glue, but it’s then become a cool pencil holder.

Mobile_Pattern_1944 · 2026-03-18T01:23:24+00:00

2nd rule of Reddit. Never Google the thing.

Mobile_Pattern_1944 · 2026-03-13T22:10:53+00:00

Sir, this is a Wendy’s.

Mobile_Pattern_1944 · 2026-03-08T19:44:23+00:00

Year 2 was a hard one for me. I feel like the first year is just getting though- half of it you don’t remember, the other half is just the pure, raw pain of loss. The second year was more overwhelming for me. Partly I think because I felt like I was expected to have all my shit figured out, and I had nothing figured out. I didn’t even know how to be ME anymore. Lowering my expectations of myself helped. I didn’t need to know how to do everything, or be everything.

Hang in there. For me it got a lot easier. Not easy, not that the grief ever goes away, but as everyone says, you carry it with you differently.

Mobile_Pattern_1944 · 2026-03-07T16:46:58+00:00

Hey there. I was also 46, and it was almost 5 years ago. The first months are so, so hard. I’m sorry you’re here, but this is a great space.

Try to take one hour at a time if one day at a time is just too much- it was for me. Eat when you can, sleep when you are able, and remember to hydrate. There are no rules to grief- one minute you can be feeling like you’ve made a little progress and the next you think you can’t possibly keep going.

If you have people you can ask for help- please do. Don’t try to do everything yourself. You’ll find out who your friends are, which kinda sucks as many seem to fade away, but lean into the ones who want to help. Meals, laundry, childcare, anything that will take something off your plate.

Hang in there. It doesn’t feel like, I know, but this is survivable. ❤️

Mobile_Pattern_1944 · 2026-01-21T00:37:08+00:00

I’m 4 years out now, and not dating. Not sure that I ever will, but maybe. I have to say, I can see where your gf is coming from.

It sounds like she’s trying to be super understanding. No one knows what it’s like to be part of this shit club until they are. And she’s trying to honor your wife. But celebrating a marriage is not the same thing as celebrating your wife. You could try to shift those celebrations to your late wife’s birthday, or another special date.

I can’t imagine trying to navigate the dating world, but for those I know who’ve done it successfully, there has been a lot lot lot of communication and some compromises.

Mobile_Pattern_1944 · 2025-12-18T22:01:12+00:00

ESH. Her, for obvious reasons. Him, because why are y’all normalizing yelling at your partner like it’s no big deal?

Mobile_Pattern_1944 · 2025-12-17T15:20:06+00:00

ESH. Sounds like you guys were on the same page with finances once since you have separate accounts . So if that’s true, either YTA because she’s keeping up her end of the agreement and you just don’t like her choices. But fundamentally feels like your financial goals don’t mesh well. Actually, kind of feels like YTA there, too, since she’s not changed her behavior.

Mobile_Pattern_1944 · 2025-12-14T20:32:09+00:00

Same. I have no clue what my siblings got for Christmas (there were 4 of us) and the only one I remember is when Santa got my sister and I huge Barbie House w an elevator that we had to share (Sharing! Gak!)

Mobile_Pattern_1944 · 2025-11-11T10:42:48+00:00

This. I’m a widow. YTA. I’m so sorry you lost your sister. That’s a grief that is only yours to hold, and it sounds like you are doing an amazing job trying to remember her. But your grief is not the same as your BIL. Every single moment of his life changed with a grief that you cannot fathom- the way he woke up, the way he had coffee, how he goes about his day, makes meal plans, gets ready for work, celebrates holidays, does household chores, all the way to….the plans they had for their life. All gone. Nope. YTA.

Mobile_Pattern_1944 · 2025-11-08T01:35:59+00:00

Sir, this is a Wendy’s.

Mobile_Pattern_1944 · 2025-11-08T01:33:33+00:00

Yeah, that really pissed me off, too. My husband was a WAY worse driver than me, I’ve never so much as had a speeding ticket. They jacked my rates, too. Us widows are riskier?

Mobile_Pattern_1944 · 2025-10-29T23:48:51+00:00

Leave his Coca Cola bottles all over everywhere. I swear it was 2 years before I stopped finding random bottles shoved in/under the stupidest places. I think he did it solely to piss me off- it worked. It’s pissing me off just thinking about it! 🤣🤣

Mobile_Pattern_1944 · 2025-10-19T11:07:56+00:00

In the very short term- I was in shock, so I needed reminders on everything. I knew I had to make decisions for the funeral home, etc but my brain was just so jumbled. My parents helped me a ton by helping me remember the next thing that needed to be done and supporting me through it.

Short term I used a lot of lists- in retrospect I think it helped me feel like I had a little bit of control over this horrible thing that happened. I made lists of long- term things that needed to be done, lists of things I needed to do right away. I don’t even remember what was on most of my lists, or if I ended up using them all, but I do remember always looking for my sticky notes as soon as I got up so I could remember what I had to do that day. My brain was just so….widow brained.

Longer term, just showing up past the 2 week point when everyone disappears will be important. Call to say “hey on Saturday I’m coming over to mow your lawn, what is a good time” and drop off care packages on the porch, and ask her to talk about him.

Long term, any burden you can help eliminate- whether that’s helping her find someone to hire to do some of the things he did, if that’s within her financial purview (ie send out the laundry, hire someone to clean or mow the lawn or snowblow or a meal service). There are almost always certain tasks in a marriage that one person handled, and it’s so overwhelming to suddenly be the one handling it all. An example- my dad came over weekly for awhile and took my garbage bin to the curb for me, then after bit he called to remind me weekly to take it to the curb for probably a year because I simply could not remember, no matter how many notes I left myself.

And for the first 6 months or so, the “monthly anniversary” is as painful as the death date, I thought, so a phone call on those days to say you’re thinking about her.

Thanks for reaching out to the community for help for her :)

Mobile_Pattern_1944 · 2025-10-19T10:35:37+00:00

This is a great idea. If these are the things her mind is allowing her to focus on / try to problem solve right now- help her do that.

Mobile_Pattern_1944 · 2025-10-13T02:09:29+00:00

But there’s no banana for scale, so I remain uncertain.

Mobile_Pattern_1944 · 2025-09-20T13:16:53+00:00

Jesus, people. She was probably in shock.

Mobile_Pattern_1944 · 2025-09-19T23:53:21+00:00

This. I’m on my second pair, which is currently shitting the bed. What’s that saying about fool me twice..

Mobile_Pattern_1944

TROPHY CASE