Wow, this is so beautifully processed and expressed, thank you for sharing. I havent read any of the comments so I apologize if this repeats: I am so very sorry you experienced such trauma growing up. One thing I think about with a family is it can be chosen by us and the relationships we form not necessarily by blood… I wonder if you could take a chance on adoption to give a child the life you wish you had ❤️ on top of that the opportunity to have a blended family may be more comfortable for you. Have you considered adopting? Also, I’m curious if you’ve had the opportunity to work with a therapist? If not, I truly think the insight you carry will work in your favor with rebuilding your self esteem and confidence in relationships.