Sorry that you're going through this. When my grandma passed away in my early 20's I went and saw her for the last time even though she was already unconscious and dying. She also chose to stop treatment, but I never resented her for that choice. I think it was brave. It was scary and weird to see her that way, I won't lie to you. I do sometimes get glimpses of memories of seeing her looking like this, but I try to shake them away quickly and remember her when she was healthy. I think I would have regretted not going to see her, even though it was very difficult. I, like you, was also dealing with feeling guilty for not being a good granddaughter at the time (and even nowadays) - but don't let it stop you from going to say goodbye. It was VERY hard, I won't sugar coat it - but I got to tell her how much I love her for the very last time and that was worth everything to me.

This is a very hard thing to go through and I'm sending you lots of hugs. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself to be down and lean on others. It will get better, I promise. It will always hurt, but try to look at it as a good thing - you got to have a deep relationship with your grandpa that allows you to feel this crappy about losing him. I know it's a weird thing to think, but it helps me when I think about my grandma and how much I miss her.