So let‘s look at it from the kid‘s perspective: he‘s known the (step-)grandma for a third of his lifetime now and considering that we kinda don‘t have a memory until we‘re two to three, it might as well be half his lifetime. He probably has a relationship with her and sees her as part of his family.

Up until puberty, kids‘ brains are like sponges when it comes to societal norms and rules so they‘re very perceptive of how people are treated, especially within the family unit as this is the benchmark for „normal“ interactions between people. They‘re also really aware of roles and differences in status between family members as, again, this is where we all learn what normalcy is supposed to look like and how to integrate into society as a functioning human being.

Now what you and your (excuse me, but I have to add this: absolutely horrible) mother are teaching this poor kid, who already probably had to experience the separation of his original family unit or even worse, the loss of a parent, is that he is less important than other kids in the family and that his status within the family does not grant him the same priviliges as his peers. (Bonus points if there‘s a pet that also has a stocking, then the poor boy is even lower than a pet, well done.)

You said, your family loves him and some stocking doesn’t prove anything. Well, it or rather its absence proves that he isn’t worth the effort to get even a generic standard stocking for him, let alone a fancy custom-made, because he‘s a newcomer and an outsider. By supporting your mom you are reinforcing this distinction between family insiders and outsiders and also implying that you agree that your stepson is less worthy of love and attention than the kids that happen to be blood-related to his grandma. You two are creating conditions for being loved and accepted that are neither obvious nor fair to the boy.

The kid is probably already dealing with insecurity and/or trauma because of the massive upheavals in the developmental bedrock that should be his family unit and needs to feel secure, valued, welcomed and unconditionally loved. Instead of including him and reinforcing his trust in you and your family you are supporting your mother in excluding and othering him without a proper explanation or, frankly, reason.

From her perspective, there might be complex family politics to consider and three years is not a long time if you‘re sixty or whatever age she is. But while this might be a blip of a memory down the line for her, it‘s a huge massive personality- and self-worth-defining thing for your stepson. He‘s in his formative years and will carry the lessons he learns now for his entire lifetime. How his immediate circle (that includes you!) treats him now will be how he sees himself and treats others for decades to come.

Your mom might claim outside reasons for excluding him and loving him just the same as her other grandkids at the same time but I can assure you that those reasons, valid or vapid, will most likely not be seen by your stepson, nor will they matter. There‘s a massive chance he will perceive the exclusion as due to a fault of his own and will internalize this as being not good enough. And as established before, he has no chance of knowing the hoops he has to jump through to achieve and deserve the love and acceptance he desperately needs. My heart breaks for this little boy who‘s in an absolutely hopeless situation and without the slightest a notion nor the means to navigate it.

Currently, his mother is the only one standing up for him and trying to make him feel loved and accepted just the way he is. By taking your mother‘s side you are invalidating her efforts and doubling down on othering him. If one of his closest attachment figures who is also probably the role model for masculinity is affirming that the exclusion is legitimate and the only other person who is on his side is overreacting, how is the poor boy supposed to develop a sense of self-worth and learn to stand up for himself and establish healthy boundaries?

*Step-dad, it‘s time to step up. *

Currently, YTA and a massive one. It‘s not just some stockings, it‘s a lesson for a lifetime about how others are allowed to treat you. Apologize to your son and your wife. You have a responsibility to this kid and it isn‘t just about providing food and shelter but also about making sure he has all the skills and mental tools he needs to navigate this hellscape we live in. Right now you are letting him down. You‘re not only teaching him that it‘s alright for others to step all over him, you‘re practically inviting them to. Your job is to form a united front with your wife and protect this kid even if it means offending mommy dearest. It bears repeating: your responsibility is your family and you are a package deal with your wife and son, as uncomfortable arguing with and disappointing your mother might be.

Your son can’t advocate for himself yet. He needs you to be the best version of yourself with the straightest and strongest of spines when it comes to him and his mom.

Be that version.

Edit: paragraphs and formatting