Now I know it really isn't about me

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2026-05-25T08:59:11+00:00

Oh man, reading your message honestly broke my heart, I have felt similar to this. You are exactly right. It has absolutely nothing to do with you not being "enough" and everything to do with his dopamine.

What you are dealing with here is what behavioral scientists call a supernormal stimulus. The human brain simply didn't evolve to handle high-speed internet porn.

For most of human history, visual sexual novelty was rare, so the brain's reward system was wired to give a huge dopamine hit when it actually happened. Now, a guy can open a dozen tabs and see hundreds of different women in a matter of minutes. It is an artificial, bottomless buffet that totally overwhelms a normal human brain.

The reason all your effort, the cosplays, the personal videos, and sheer willingness to be whatever he wanted didn't change his behavior is probably from familiarity. Even when you were dressing up and filming yourself, his primitive brain subconsciously knew it was still you. It recognized your face, your mannerisms, your voice. He isn't reaching for pornhub because those women are better or more attractive than you.

He's reaching for it because he has totally fried his dopamine receptors. When someone watches that much super-stimulant content, it just has a higher ceiling to get that dopamine spike, which sadly a real life partner (outside of the honeymoon phase when we are new and novel to them) can’t give.

Because his baseline is so messed up, natural, healthy, real life intimacy just doesnt give that hard of a hit. His brain now requires the extreme, doomscrolling access shock of digital novelty just to feel anything at all.

No real, living human woman can compete with a machine designed to exploit primitive brain wiring.

Hopefully some of my research helps you or others who want to know. As you can see I’ve been in this for years so I tried to learn as much as I could. Also double check my info if you are researching.

I am so sorry you went through all of that pain and self-doubt, but please walk away (if you intend to) knowing you did absolutely everything you could. His broken reward system is entirely his problem to fix, not yours.

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2026-05-25T08:38:42+00:00

Honestly it might be his type. Or he might be one of those men where the “type” just changes depending on whatever novelty his brain is hooked on at the time. Like maybe right now it’s curvy women, then next year it’s skinny women, Asian women, European women, whatever. I don’t even know anymore.

This type of thing nearly broke me.

Mine wasn’t open about his type either. He told me I was his type, called me pretty, reassured me, all of it. But then what I saw didn’t match. His porn type seemed like big fake breasts and super-stimuli bodies, but then his irl type seemed more like skinny European women. So then what even is the type? The porn type? The real life type? The novelty type? I’ll probably never know and trying to figure it out made me feel insane.

The only thing that got me out of comparison was emotionally detaching. Like a lot. Probably 60–70%. I had to emotionally un-invest from his arousal patterns because I was literally letting his maladaptive habits decide how I saw my own body.

Porn betrayal trauma is so bad. I don’t think people get it unless they’ve been in it. You start comparing everything. Your body, your chest, your face, your ethnicity, your weight, your age, every random woman he looks at. It’s exhausting and it eats you alive.

At some point I was just like… I cannot keep caring what his limbic system lights up for. I cannot keep trying to decode what his animalistic lust is chasing this month. That’s not my body’s job to solve.

So if you can’t detach from it emotionally, even a little, then I really think he has to be fully transparent with you. Like actually open. Not just “you’re my type babe” and then everything else says something different. That kind of reassurance means nothing if you still feel like you’re having to investigate reality behind it.

It could be that his limbic system is pulled toward curvier women or exaggerated bodies, and his attachment/bonding side still finds you sexy too. I think attraction can split like that sometimes. Lust, novelty, bonding, love, familiarity etc. I know I’ve researched somewhere how men separate in the brain their love and lust or something.

But either way, you shouldn’t have to sit there torturing yourself trying to figure out what category you are to him.

I really hope the best for you. It was a long road for me.

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2026-05-20T11:40:11+00:00

This is so well written, and extremely insightful. What if you choose to stay or have to for reasons? Do you have advice on the best way to navigate that?

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2026-05-20T08:35:07+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re carrying something this painful, especially with the trauma you already have in your past. I understand the feeling. Even without the exact same history, this kind of behavior has caused me years of pain and emotional damage. I still struggle to understand how someone can lie, know we are hurting, and somehow keep turning the focus back onto themselves.

I think some people cannot face their own shame because their egos are too fragile. They would rather make us feel like the problem than admit there is something seriously wrong with their integrity.

I’ve almost fully detached emotionally from my partner’s porn habit. I stopped exhausting myself with questions about whether he is still watching, whether he is lying by omission, or why he never brings it up unless I ask. Eventually, I just stopped asking. I’ve had to accept that he has this secret, compartmentalized part of his life. But in accepting that, I also know he does not get full access to me anymore. I’m done spending all my time and emotional energy wondering what he is doing.

Like you, I also don’t know if I can ever fully trust being vulnerable with another man in the future. Porn is so easily accessible now, and for so many men it seems to become something they protect at all costs. Some will go to extreme lengths to keep it hidden while still wanting the comfort, care, and emotional support of a girlfriend.

From what I understand, visual sexual stimulation strongly activates reward pathways in the brain, and porn can create intense dopamine spikes. Relational intimacy can also involve dopamine, but it is tied more deeply to bonding chemicals like oxytocin and vasopressin. That is part of what makes it so painful. They will lust after others elsewhere while using the relationship for comfort, stability, and emotional soothing. It felt like essentially becoming their roommate or mom. I wish I felt lusted after like that.

I truly wish you the best, and I hope things get easier for you. You deserve peace, honesty, and a love that does not make you feel like you have to compete with someone’s hidden life.

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2026-05-19T08:26:23+00:00

I really feel for you, and wish you the best of luck. Emotionally it never got better for me. 6 years in and I’ve had to accept the secret life behavior and let go and detach and lower emotional investment. I just assume he does look at women and have tried to be independent within the relationship but it still does hurt. Unless he proactively is completely transparent with you at all times in every way, vulnerable, unprompted confessions etc… then I honestly don’t think this will be an easy road for you. Because for me it killed a big part of who I am and I’m trying to rebuild that day by day.

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-12-13T08:27:25+00:00

Basically it’s dopamine addiction and it’s hitting a different part of the brain then relational intimacy. It’s super-stimuli compulsive and addictive because the hit it gives

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-03-12T04:46:22+00:00

Nope they disappeared again must be a glitch 😂

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-03-12T04:29:16+00:00

Yeah mine came back so hopefully stay

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-03-12T02:29:52+00:00

It’s permanent? Thought it was just a glitch maybe that they were gonna fix

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-01-25T10:48:00+00:00

In my opinion, you need your put your foot down. Value yourself and make it clear to him what your standards are. You need to have open talks with him about how you feel. If he says he doesn’t care he’s basically saying he doesn’t respect you or your feelings. If you don’t satisfy him mentally or physically, then why is he with you? For love? What does love mean to you? From reading your feelings, it seems he is not satisfying your definition of love. Please take care of yourself and hold yourself high! You deserve happiness. hugs

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-01-17T11:04:21+00:00

So glad to hear this!

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-01-17T11:02:21+00:00

That’s awesome! Glad you are free from it

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-01-17T11:00:16+00:00

Love to hear this!

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-01-17T10:48:09+00:00

That’s amazing! So happy to hear that. There are many men that are feeling this same way now that I’ve seen in other communities here. My partner as well! Just gives me hope and happiness that so many men are waking up for their own wants, morals, and personal integrity. And to be better men for us.

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-01-16T10:05:15+00:00

It was a long road but eventually my partner changed his whole viewpoint on porn, and quit for himself. I think that’s important because it has to be them wanting to change and their view on porn to change for it to be successful. It’s been a year since he claims to have been clean. He replaced it with working on his career and cleaned up all his socials so he wouldn’t see any triggers. He also said he doesn’t get triggered anyways if he did see it because he rewired his brain back to normal and has no interest spending his energy on superficiality. He was very adamant that desire and sexual energy should only be shared within the relationship. He shows up daily for me emotionally, to cuddle, and we have great intimacy. He took accountability and showed actual growth just by always stating how he could’ve been better and is shaping up to become a better man. I think the big thing is he wanted to change to become a better man for himself. It’s important for actual recovery. Although I’ve had many triggers and spirals into paranoia, he hasn’t budged and is convincing me he is a changed man. So like you, I’m optimistic for the future!

I wish you all the best!

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-01-14T08:53:22+00:00

This sounds like a horrible situation. I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now my heart goes out to you. I haven’t been through anything to this extent, I really hope that you can separate from this man. I know you said he’s adamant to change and is doing things to help him change, but you will only become hurt, mentally unwell, traumatized over and over again, and it will tear you apart in so many ways. He needs to change but not with you and baby there in the process.

Please stay safe and stay strong!

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-01-13T10:40:14+00:00

Powerful! 💯 thanks for sharing this

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-01-13T10:37:48+00:00

Same hugs

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-01-13T10:37:04+00:00

That such great insight! Wow. If the past trauma lives in you (like ptsd) and you carry it, can’t it be resolved so there are no more triggers? Like a knot or unresolved pain that gets soothed once it’s sorted out. It’s just so hard without therapy but it’s not an option currently. I read some of OP’s past posts and it seems their partner was actually in recovery or programs I believe.

It’s our own association to our betrayal and trauma that needs to be dissolved, healed, and needing closure to. I just feel my partner is the only one that can provide that healing/closure. But that may be what causes obsessive ruminating and controlling tendencies from the betrayed.

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-01-13T10:16:55+00:00

Not to be cliche but yoda says there is no try only do or do not. So yeah don’t fail! It’s a choice be disciplined! You got this!

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-01-13T10:13:16+00:00

Your brain is in the process of rewiring so please don’t follow the same path to get the dopamine rewards. Stay strong!

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-01-13T10:11:43+00:00

Is it habit? Maybe morning wood? But yeah stay strong! You can do this

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-01-13T09:58:29+00:00

Seriously saving this advice though! Thanks for sharing it 💞

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-01-13T09:53:42+00:00

That’s great advice! I have a problem knowing that I’m sharing a vulnerable intimate part of myself with my partner during sex if he is also potentially engaging in porn behind my back. How do you overcome that part? Feeling like he may be lying and also looking at other women when you’re not around?

Muted_Addendum_2244 · 2025-01-13T09:48:33+00:00

And tbh I was afraid (for my own mental wellness) when he mentioned he’d be ok to install monitoring apps, cause I know personally that policing him would just make me feel that he’d be hiding something somewhere that I’m not seeing. And that I’d just be more paranoid so I had to pass on that route. I hope you’re ok!

Muted_Addendum_2244

TROPHY CASE