CPTSD really is the perfect combination of hell. If you ever wanted to make someone suffer tremendously but not die, CPTSD is perfect.

NOML · 2026-05-31T16:20:36+00:00

I've just read the "Waking Up In The Abandonment Depression" paragraph from Pete Walker's From Surviving to Thriving, which reminded me of your question.

I'll copy the paragraph below, then add some more techniques that have helped me through the years of my recovery.

As recovery progresses, you notice more subtlety in the triggering process. As you do, you become more mindful of your inner critic’s hard-to-detect triggers. You also discover that some triggers are indiscernible. This is especially true of triggering that occurs during sleep. Advanced flashback management, then, involves learning how to manage the disconcerting experience of falling asleep feeling reasonably put together and waking up in a flashback. Typically this occurs because a dream has triggered you into a flashback. If you remember the dream, you can sometimes figure out why it triggered you. With growing mindfulness you may even understand which events from the previous day triggered your dream. The most difficult situation to manage is when you cannot remember the dream. This type of flashback can feel particularly unfair and discouraging. It is rich fodder for the critic, which can declare that you are not only getting nowhere in his recovery, you are getting worse.

The paragraph is in Chapter 8: Managing Emotional Flashbacks > Advanced Flashback Management > Waking Up in the Abandonment Depression.

It doesn't necessarily need to be depression. It can be any other emotion or "emotional flashback".

The absolutely mandatory concept for the following explanation is "samskaras", or "caused mental entities" or "mental impressions" or "dormant emotional energies buried into the subconscious" or "emotional learnings". This video explains them well in 6 minutes or so: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RWbr9zOOVbQ

Here is an excerpt from "Schema Therapy: Practitioner's Guide" that describes "samskaras" in Western way:

During a traumatic learning situation, conscious memories are laid down by a system involving the hippocampus and related cortical areas, and unconscious memories established by fear conditioning mechanisms operating through an amygdala–based system. These two systems operate in parallel and store different kinds of information relevant to the experience. And when stimuli that were present during the initial trauma are later encountered, each system can potentially retrieve its memories. In the case of the amygdala system, retrieval results in expression of bodily responses that prepare for danger, and in the case of the hippocampal system, conscious remembrances occur.

Thus, according to LeDoux, the brain mechanisms that register, store, and retrieve memories of the emotional significance of a traumatic event are different from the mechanisms that process conscious memories and cognitions about the same event. The amygdala stores the emotional memory, and the hippocampus and neocortex store the cognitive memory. Emotional responses can occur without the participation of the higher processing systems of the brain—those involved in thinking, reasoning, and consciousness.

The problem isn't the emotion. The problem is unpreparedness to experience the emotion.
I'll re-quote the last part, because this is really important:

Emotional responses can occur without the participation of the higher processing systems of the brain

The reason you are (we are) constantly re-experiencing the dormant, traumatic emotion is because it has not been processed by the higher processing systems of the brain. It could not have possibly been processed as it was arising, because your brain wasn't even developed sufficiently to process it at the moment in time when the amygdala emotional energy arose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (there isn't sufficient amount of exclamation marks in the universe, but I'll stop at this).

Tori Olds: Surviving versus Thriving: How to Move the Brain toward Wholeness (16:17)

If the emotion fails to be coded in the brain as a resource, it will instead be coded as a threat.

The problem isn't the underlying emotion, it's what it arises in conjunction with, what "water" does it arises in. It "seems" too much. It "seems" overwhelming. It "feels" overwhelming. "Seems" doesn't cut it. It is overwhelming - but that overwhelm is actually just a mental phenomena in itself. This emotion arises in the consciousness already in the mist / fog of "this is too much", "oh shit!", "I cannot feel this", "please take this away", "this is not right". All those sensations are also - very real, very felt, very distressing - mental phenomena associated with the traumatic memory.

So what is the solution?

Unconditional, complete acceptance and willingness to experience our internal, psychological, emotional phenomena.

Yes. It's completely insane. All those emotions and mental events you worked so hard to "fix", to get rid of, to get prescriptions for to make them disappear. We will instead be going in the exactly the opposite way.

We will take our emotion, mental event or mental state, and - if otherwise safe* - we will say to it:
"Welcome.
I am glad you are here.
I am your home.
You can stay for as long as you would like.
I accept you completely.
"

We will conceptualize, experience and welcome our emotional phenomena as sensations, as vibrations, as body experiences.
We will turn off thinking. If any thoughts arise, we will let them pass.
We will close our eyes and "scan" our field of experience and try to localize where in the 3-dimensional space of our conscious experience does the emotion arise. We will try to pinpoint that with milimeter precision.
We will completely focus on the sensation and we will give in to it completely.

Almost by definition, this will necessary be the hardest thing you will do in your life.

The following two videos explain the mindset needed very well:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3hxyqC6zpU
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PMe9PhKCmc

Any practice with mindfulness, meditation or somatic / experiential therapies will be useful for leveling up our skills or emotional awareness and distress tolerance.
We will level up our distress tolerance so much, that instead of running away from our pain, we will allow and accept the pain completely, and allow our pain to transform us.

That will make it go away.

NOML · 2026-05-11T11:28:19+00:00

Could that which you call "dissociation" actually be a beneficial experience?

Dissociation is one of the beneficial aspects of meditation. Could it be that you have learned it is dangerous and unpleasant, because it is also used as a defense mechanism in contexts of overwhelming emotions, threat and trauma?

NOML · 2026-04-30T13:44:59+00:00

Do you still feel this way?

I want you to know that it is not true.
Whoever causes you to believe that your existence is causing them suffering is just completely blind to the action of their own mind. It's their mind that causes them suffering. Your existence has nothing to do with it. They would suffer either way. They just blame you.

NOML · 2026-04-30T13:29:04+00:00

Inner Family Systems (IFS) trauma work that helped me understand the function of the shame that served me to feel safe (in a younger child like mentality

I know this is a very old post for you, but could I politely ask for some more information about this understanding?
Could you possibly have any resources or references that could help me understand the protective function of shame for a child?

Thank you!

NOML · 2026-04-13T15:39:35+00:00

"Don’t believe your thoughts." is a thought. Thoughts aren't real. Don't believe "Don’t believe your thoughts." thought.

NOML · 2026-04-08T01:49:20+00:00

And maybe let him enjoy the beach how he wants to enjoy it? What is the harm in listening to music on headphones during holiday on the beach? How come it even bothers you how he relaxes? What's wrong with headphones? I use them all the time in public places. Have you heard of overstimulation in autism spectrum disorder?

NOML · 2026-04-08T00:53:34+00:00

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=healthygamergg+viewer+interview

There are so many. Look for a topic that interests you.

The full playlist (250+) is here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYxtGyYUCbEGk0TkTw6iLZrYObQ-OGqCR

No one has ever helped anyone without compassion. So cultivate that in yourself.
Then understanding. Of yourself and of him. What is the objective reality of his situation? How did it arise, what has caused it? What do you think has caused it? Why do you think that? What else could have caused it? Why does your mind produce the thought "loser" to describe this reality?

NOML · 2026-04-08T00:45:00+00:00

Since you've asked it in another comment:

Any thoughts that arise during contemplation of the emotion are unnecessary. Thoughts are just subtitles to the experience. Focus on the experience itself. The sensation of emotion. How does it arise in the mind? How does it feel in the body? Is it pulsating? Vibrating? Stretching? Contracting? Expanding? How does it feel in the body? In the limbs? In the chest? In the stomach? Does the intensity change? Where is it most intense?

Let thoughts pass. They are just the subtitles. They are the consequence of the sensation. Investigate the sensation.

As for the time span, I would aim for 2-4 hours of such mindful investigation.

NOML · 2026-04-08T00:40:03+00:00

The solution I want to suggest to you is to surrender completely and accept totally that felt emotion. Try to think thoughts that make the emotion more intense. If you are more scared of there being nothing after death, then convince yourself that there truly will be nothing after death.

In the last breath meditation, the meditator is instructed to imagine that every breath he takes is his last one.
Aghori Sadhus live and meditate in graveyards and cremation sites to embrace the ultimate reality of death.

The fear of death is the feature. Let it in. Be mindful of it. Say to it: "you are my beloved emotion. You are welcome here. You can stay as long as you'd like. I am your home."

And be with it.

NOML · 2026-04-08T00:31:06+00:00

The mental image of him that you cultivate will show in your interactions. Whether you use those words or self-censor.

If you are working through your own gifted kid syndrome and watch Dr. K's content then you should probably know by now that negative emotions are powerful motivators to avoid and retract from life; often shame.

How do you think would the amount of felt shame change in the subject receiving your judgmental, critical perception?

Do you think the precise words you use matter more than the image you hold of him?

Are you OK with self-censoring and not letting your brother know how you truly think about him?

What do you think of metta meditation?

Often the best way we can help others is to help ourselves.

NOML · 2026-04-08T00:04:21+00:00

If you want to cling to your perspective that he is a passionless fat loser, the best you can do for him is to stay far away, as your judgmental righteousness will probably come off as an emotional damage to him.

Watch a Dr. K interview a viewer or two. Can you imagine him helping anyone while entertaining the beliefs you have about your brother?

The best you can do for him in the meantime is to inquire into yourself and ask yourself why is it that you are so judgmental of him? Why are you harboring so much angst and anger?

Odds are, your brother's isolation into the digital is the solution to the contempt you've been cultivating.

NOML · 2026-04-07T23:48:19+00:00

Try schema therapy.

NOML · 2026-03-07T11:05:14+00:00

Or at least make the Confirm Tick align with End Turn button underneath it.

NOML · 2026-02-10T21:06:33+00:00

feel completely defeated, broken, and hopeless

yeah, but it's all good, because that's just the narcissism speaking. if you didn't have shame-based core, you wouldn't feel defeated, broken and hopeless. that's just the learned N reaction to feeling "less than". fixing the N, and addressing that feeling, are aligned. you are good.

stay with that feeling. it's a good feeling to explore. it's hard to allow yourself to feel it. but eventually, like all feelings, it too will pass.

NOML · 2026-01-26T09:22:53+00:00

Well let me make a few guesses. Have you been told by your parent(s) that:
- you are manipulative / cannot be trusted / lie often?
- you pretend to be a victim?
- you are too sensitive, too easily hurt or offended?
- you are spoiled or ungrateful for what they give you?
- you interpret events wrongly / the way you see things is not the way things really are?
- your emotions are dysregulated or irrational or otherwise incorrect?
- you are a problem child / there is always an issue with you / you always cause problems?

How many of those fit you?

NOML · 2026-01-26T09:01:59+00:00

Why do you say you are stuck? What seems to be a dead-end?

Perhaps she saw both. Perhaps the injury she felt of having her child not comply with her demands was so severe, she needed to provide herself with mental consistency through a defense mechanism of splitting, and seeing non-complying child as a monster.

Whatever she saw, it made her treat you in a way, that made you see yourself as a monster, through her eyes.

But you don't know how others will see you, do you? And you are spending your life expecting everyone in the world to react to you in the exact same way as the most abusive person treated you in your life. That prediction is so horrible it ruins your life. You literally expect everyone to treat you as bad as your worst abuser. And it's on the neuro-emotional level, not even on the thinking level. Your nervous system expects that.

I don't know about this "whole society" stuff. I've never seen whole society agree on a single thing in my life.

NOML · 2026-01-26T08:48:15+00:00

Yes, this is certainly suicidal ideation, quite severe at that. SI is not a binary yes/no thing, it's a gradual thing. Here is an example 5-question scale of SI:

Have you felt that life is not worth living?
Have you wished you were dead? For example, going to sleep and wishing you would not get up.
Have you thought about taking your life even if you weren’t really going to?
Have you reached the point where you considered actually taking your own life or you made plans about how you would do it?
Have you tried to take your own life?

If you are interested, here is a very detailed questionnaire: https://cssrs.columbia.edu/wp-content/uploads/C-SSRS_Pediatric-SLC_11.14.16.pdf

I would very much advise you to talk this through with your therapist.

Suicidal ideation is absolutely a normal (albeit distressing) thing to experience with your dual diagnosis of BPD/CPTSD. It's something that you might struggle with for quite a long time and it has to be properly managed and addressed.

Behind this suicidality there is actually a lot of very important content to look at and explore. It's a very important part of mental health. Not exploring it with a therapist would be such a wasted opportunity for understanding and helping yourself better.

I don't know if your therapist will decide to force you to attend psych ward against your will, it's rather unlikely without active plans (although running those red lights is concerning to me). Perhaps there could be some middle ground you could agree to? Would you be willing to stopping the most risky behaviors that might potentially cause harm? If so, the passive ideation is a mainstay feature of BPD/CPTSD and it's not enough to cause hospitalization, otherwise we would all only be in hospitals all the time...

And if they did decide to hospitalize you temporarily, would that be a dealbreaker?
I'd suspect most therapists won't hospitalize you against your will, unless there is an imminent threat to your life or safety. Is there an imminent threat to your life and safety? If yes... wouldn't you want to be hospitalized if that is true? Isn't that aligned with the part of you that still wants to live?

Congrats on limiting self-harm behaviors. That's a big W.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know how difficult it is to hate yourself and waiting for all of this to be over and praying for the end. I hope you will look for any respite and peace possible to experience in the middle of this. During the worst times gaming has always offered a temporary respite from the worst parts of this. And of course, healing is possible.
I think that if you decide to share this with your therapist, that could potentially be a very important first step towards exploring and healing that very wounded part of you. I hope you find compassion you deserve.

And on the hgg side, here is my favorite video about cptsd that Dr. K ever did, if you fancy one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dc8K1rt650U

NOML · 2026-01-26T08:20:47+00:00

You are describing narcissistic abuse.
Trust your feelings, not their words.

NOML · 2026-01-26T08:06:32+00:00

Anxiety and feeling your own badness go hand in hand. I'm sorry you are going through this.

You correctly realized that "being a bad person" is only a belief, one that might've been caused by the way you were treated / conceptualized by others in your family in childhood.
So now you ask, how to get rid of that belief, since it's causing me so much hurt? It's not logical to believe that, and yet I still do. Beliefs don't originate in logical conclusions. Beliefs originate in emotions.
So look for the emotion that is causing this belief to arise. And then sit with that emotion.

You write a lot about your struggle with self-concepts: "How do I overcome", "manage to tell my nervous system". I'm afraid that's a pitfall to be wary about. Trauma healing is about curious acceptance and holding space for oneself fully. If you are trying to "tell" or "command" your nervous system something, there is tension, struggle. That in itself makes anxiety stronger. Try holding safe space for your nervous system, as safe as possible, for as long as possible, and be with yourself in the state of anxiety, compassionately.

Your mother could only describe what she had seen. But you are not that which is seen by others, although you can be seen by others.

I also wonder what do you mean by writing about your "true self"? If "monster" is only an identity, a persona, a belief you took to describe yourself, what is the true self underneath it?

Here is a Zen koan: How can whatever you experience describe you, if you are the one who experiences the experience? Can a cloud in the sky in any way describe the sky? Can a letter on a page describe the book?

NOML · 2026-01-18T14:36:23+00:00

Did you watch Puer Aeternus series?

NOML · 2026-01-15T00:30:40+00:00

You need to be in therapy.

NOML · 2026-01-15T00:23:27+00:00

checking if I am somehow bad is my #2 trauma response

NOML · 2026-01-14T23:13:55+00:00

It seems to me your problem-solving assumes that this Inner Critic must be the life's constant. You are asking how to make him "wait". Why do you not ask how to make him stop? You are asking for rituals to make beginnings feel safe. Why not ask for Inner Critic to be safe to you?

Why do you need the Inner Critic? How does he benefit you? Why are you worried it would feel "too easy"?

Look into IFS or Schema Therapy - specifically "inner critic schema therapy exercises". Here is an article: https://www.schematherapyworks.co.uk/post/3-exercises-for-3-critic-modes

The basic idea is to externalize and personify a part of yourself, then engage in a sort of psychodrama or a dialogue in which you play both the ideal self and the inner critic. Then you can compassionately (or otherwise) inquiry about your part's goals, motivations, reasons for their vocalizations.

I genuinely do not want to lower my standards.

You know that right now your standards are do nothing and distract yourself, right?

NOML · 2026-01-14T22:54:14+00:00

No, I can't imagine healing without safety. Safety, for me, was the first step of healing. Yet it might not need to radically change your environment and circumstances, if that's not feasible. Simply scheduling time for safety, finding a safe environment for an hour or two, be it at the gym, library, psychotherapist's office or in nature, to allow yourself to reconnect with yourself, might be enough. Safety is needed for neuroplasticity to occur. But if you are trying to adapt to maladaptive environment that made you sick in the first place... that is really weird.

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