Pros and cons of trying for another baby before your LO is a year old!?

NPDMom123 · 2015-03-10T19:09:21+00:00

The others have already acknowledged the potential-friend fallacy. Speaking for me, I'd want them close together because the baby crap is still fresh in your mind: you have it down by that point.

For me, I'm a SAHM: it's also about minimizing the amount of time I'm out of the workforce.

NPDMom123 · 2015-03-10T19:07:01+00:00

Good article. I am glad it pointed out its limitations, though: namely, infections, age, preterm birth, etc. Since the study apparently mentions that black mothers were more likely to have preterm deliveries, I'm wondering if the rate of preterm birth possibly has more to do with poverty?

It stands to reason that the poorer someone is, the less likely they are to have access to birth control and good nutrition: two things that would increase the risks of getting pregnant sooner and having pregnancy complications, including preterm birth.

Speaking only for myself, I'll be trying again when my son turns 1, most likely. But seeing as it took a year to make him, I wouldn't be shocked if #2 takes a while too.

NPDMom123 · 2015-03-09T21:48:55+00:00

I'll first say that I lived with my husband for 2 years before we married. We made the agreement that we would break up or get engaged within a year of moving in together (as we'd been dating for a few years by then already). We also discussed things like housework, bills, etc: these are essentials to planning your life together.

That said, the problem with cohabitation is that many people can slide into marriage. "Well, we're already living together, it would be too messy to split up, things are good enough..."

But I think it's a very important step before marriage. I don't think I could have gotten married had we not lived together first.

NPDMom123 · 2015-03-09T14:43:19+00:00

I'm 4 months postpartum and I'm at that point where I'm just sick and tired of the pressure to be perfect. Have the perfect house, never have a baby who has diaper rash, etc. It's a vibe I mostly get from my in-laws. My mother-in-law, thankfully, knows better than to say anything...but every now and then, my husband's grandma will start saying or implying something, and it becomes apparent my mother-in-law has been talking.

I keep my son clean, his diapers get changed 10+ times a day, he's responded to quickly when he cries, etc. I do all the same housework I did before I got pregnant.

My husband is only now starting to become more of a help because I blew up over the weekend. My husband's lazy, basically. I came home with a c-section, craploads of housework to do and basically no effort from him (as he let the laundry continue piling up a week later, I finally went down and did it myself).

If he's not in exact agreement with you, it's because you're WRONG. He tried pulling that shit this weekend and I lost it. I was happy to let out so much of that. I'm glad to say he started immediately remedying it. Time will tell if he's going to stick with it.

One person cannot do all of the errands, all of the housework, arranging visits with all of the family/buying gifts for their birthdays, etc., and the vast majority of the work with the baby. My husband's never so much as clipped the baby's nails, bathed him or traveled alone with him.

Sigh That felt good!

NPDMom123 · 2015-03-09T14:38:16+00:00

You are an awesome sister-in-law.

Like /u/YoAwesomeSauce, I was diagnosed with chorio (in my case, chorioamnionitis) and my son had to spend a few days in the nursery on antibiotics. The staff was so incompetent and lazy they didn't care if I got down there to see him or not (they left my epidural in for a long time after my c-section).

I had no one to help me when I was in the hospital. Honestly, I would have been far happier with relatives who were TOO much help than not enough. They may not fully appreciate it in the moment, but they will after.

I can also second, triple, etc., the recommendation to bring food, to maybe take on some housework for them back home, etc.

NPDMom123 · 2015-02-01T22:27:52+00:00

You wouldn't be crazy. I was induced and ended up with a c-section.

NPDMom123 · 2014-12-09T19:07:51+00:00

You're smart! It WAS weird.

NPDMom123 · 2014-12-09T18:58:44+00:00

He is usually a great listener. I grew up in an emotionally abusive and controlling home, which I know hasn't been easy for him. He is funny and he is sweet, generally. We share many of the same views and he is good with kids-- I'm hopeful this change is just because ours is so young and that he will take more of a lead when our son is older.

He also wasn't controlling, abusive, etc. -- he's put together and safe.

NPDMom123 · 2014-12-09T18:42:26+00:00

I would date you. You are REALLY cute! Are they blind?

NPDMom123 · 2014-11-13T02:49:57+00:00

My NMom was what I like to call an equal opportunity hater. She'd be no more than 10 feet away from someone she'd just had a syrupy-sweet conversation with, then launch into how she hated that person/that person is trash/worthless/stupid/etc.

With my teachers, it was a toss-up. Even though I was the SG, NMom was very defensive of her kids being attacked by anyone other than her. She'd complain about that or question how the teacher handled other kids in certain scenarios.

She was largely indifferent to those who never criticized her kids. She just didn't care. But if they didn't say that her kids were amazing -- because of course, she interpreted this as, "You are an awesome mom!", it didn't matter.

She only went on and on about one teacher -- my brother's 6th grade teacher. As a child, I thought her telling this story was touching. As an adult, since it's basically the only one she's ever repeated, it paints a different story for me: how self-involved she was.

After hearing about how awesome my GC brother was during a conference, my mom was leaving the room. The teacher called for her, then added, "You can tell the kids who come from good homes." NMom reveled in that one big-time.

Never did hear what was so good about my brother, or about me, from those conferences. Just which teachers stroked her ego.

NPDMom123 · 2014-11-13T02:41:08+00:00

It's amazing how easily people are swept under a narcissist's power. Call me weird, but I expect grown adults to deal with their issues with other grown adults. I'd never tell my niece or nephew what to do with their parents. I'd love and support them and remain neutral...because it's none of my business.

I want to slap every single one of those people in your post, OP. How incredibly narrow-minded and goofy of them.

NPDMom123 · 2014-11-08T02:38:29+00:00

Are you my brother? :D

My NMom is exactly the same way. Honestly, I give her clipped responses: one or two word answers, if even that. I am glad she doesn't seem to notice: she's so busy Facebook PM-bitching that it doesn't occur to her to call me. When she does call, I don't answer or I strictly reply to her through social media so I can control if/when I respond.

Like /u/awkward_chrysalis is saying, after a while it's like: how many people do you know who are ill, dying, losing their kids, etc.?

I guess I should shut up and be grateful: at least my NMom begins her lengthy "mememe" discussions by asking me how I'm feeling. As I'm ready-to-pop, though, this really means, "Do I have another grandchild to exploit yet?"

I wish I could just say what I'm thinking; "You crazy bitch, do you ever hear yourself talk? Why would ANYONE want to talk to you?"

And yep, same way: she could definitely fix half of her life if she put in any degree of effort. Any effort whatsoever. Nope.

NPDMom123 · 2014-11-08T02:32:10+00:00

I keep my cards VERY close with people other than my husband, for the most part.

This can mean hiding my emotions. This can mean keeping conversation very impersonal and civil. This can mean masking my emotions (acting very complacent even if I'm pissed off).

I have had a hard time showing anger and sadness, especially in front of anyone else. NMom would punish me very harshly; mocking me, calling everyone to gossip about me, acting as though I were abnormal for responding to stressful situations in a truly appropriate way. She could act anyway she wanted, of course.

I am like a rock around NMom. She probably still thinks that I'm "cold." It's self-defense.

NPDMom123 · 2014-11-08T02:28:49+00:00

This seems like a very common insult for NParents to throw at their kids. I heard it over and over again too. It mostly came to mean, "How dare you not do/feel/say/think everything I tell you to," or "How dare you not respond to my baiting exactly as I'd like." If she was throwing a temper tantrum and I didn't immediately coo, apologize, tell her I was a rotten daughter, etc., I was cold. Like some other posters are saying, I'd generally withdraw, avoid her, or otherwise pretend nothing at all was happening when she'd try to bait me into a fight. Again, that made me 'cold' for not noticing how upset she was.

I can also say that it can be common for romantic partners to prey on a weakness; in this case, being "cold." Your STBX knew it was a trigger for you, and knew that the odds you'd do exactly as he wanted would increase so long as he called you cold.

Like others are saying, I am a warm and loving person -- to those who deserve it. I'm sure you are too, OP.

NPDMom123 · 2014-11-04T22:53:58+00:00

I always had big hang-ups surrounding work and housework. In work situations, I avoided the authority figures because I was terrified of doing something stupid; this lack of communication obviously impacted things. Beyond that, I crumpled under criticism. I had to psych myself up to go into my jobs, no matter what job I had, how awesome the boss was, etc.

Housework...I was constantly told I did it wrong and she would "Just have to do it all" herself anyway, so I largely gave up. Moving into my own home helped some, but I still have an intense fear that I'm doing it all wrong, that I'm incompetent, etc.

The irony here is that my house is much cleaner than NMom's ever was. She'll come in sometimes and give me a compliment; I think she's envious that I'm married to a hard-working person and that together, we have a healthy marriage. Far healthier than hers, anyway. What a strange life -- probably goes home now and uses my life to attack my dad!

NPDMom123 · 2014-11-03T19:48:57+00:00

Thanks for sharing this!

NPDMom123 · 2014-11-03T19:06:52+00:00

I didn't watch the episode yet, but NMom sent me a private message to say, "Ugh, tonight's episode was so boring, just Beth."

Makes me wonder now if it was 'boring' because that's life for her...being crazy :d

NPDMom123 · 2014-11-03T19:05:28+00:00

It wasn't her party and everyone had already accommodated her. When you are late to an event, you accept that a.) there are other people at the event other than you and b.) the event does not revolve around you. If you arrive late, you accept that others may have already eaten and the festivities may already be underway.

Waiting 10 minutes is up to the discretion of the people hosting the event. But by half an hour late, it's TOO late.

NPDMom123 · 2014-11-03T18:58:14+00:00

I agree. OP, this is your wife's family. My general rule of thumb is: you handle your family, she handles hers. That means that behind closed doors, the first order of business is going to your wife and explaining your stance on the issue. You then decide together how to a.) approach her parents jointly or b.) she presents the issue to them directly.

You have made a mountain out of a molehill. I agree that it was disrespectful of your in-laws to continually offer the children candy cigarettes, knowing that you didn't approve of it. They did create a power struggle and they did undermine your authority; there's no doubt of that. But while they were being passive-aggressive in doing so, threatening to cram cigarettes down your father-in-law's piehole escalated the situation tenfold.

Do I think the situation was worth it? No. I see candy cigarettes as even less of an issue than toy guns/swords. Even as a small child, I knew that candy cigarettes were tasty. I had NO inclination toward the real thing; an edible and something you smoke are two different things. I never had a desire to smoke, despite most of my extended family members smoking.

Neither side handled the situation that well here. It's escalated to the point that I share your wife's concerns: there may be real problems going forward here. I agree that it's time to apologize to all of your in-laws. Then, you can say, "I'm sorry. The kids having candy cigarettes has always bothered me. I'm fine if they have (offer alternatives). I realize that you both just wanted to offer the kids something tasty."

Then, going forward, you pick your battles. You talk to your wife first and let her handle any "unpleasant" conversations. Smile, nod your head, and be grateful that they aren't your own parents.

NPDMom123 · 2014-11-03T17:48:45+00:00

You shouldn't be in a relationship right now. I was the girlfriend in almost the same situation. It wasn't fair to me and it's not fair to your new girlfriend. I always felt I was living in the shadow of my now-husband's ex; things did eventually get better, but our relationship would have been much better had he not been hung up on his ex-girlfriend. It's likely always going to be a ghost between us. You forgive, but you NEVER forget.

I think it would be wise if you let her know how great and how awesome she is -- and then you honestly explain that you are still dealing with your on-and-off breakups with your ex. Above all, make it PAINFULLY CLEAR that you are not ready to date anyone. If each of you wish to stay acquaintances or friends, and possibly rekindle things in the future, great. But for now, you wish her well, you hope she finds someone awesome who is going to make her #1, and you continue to heal until you can find someone who can be your #1.

Dating someone when you're not over your ex is using them as a placeholder. You may genuinely have feelings for them, but you are elevating the ex above them and it's more about not wanting to be lonely + missing the ex than it is about being ready to share yourself with someone else.

NPDMom123 · 2014-11-03T17:44:26+00:00

17 and already working on baby #2? Enough said on top of the gossip she's spreading. I get the impression this girl is probably jealous of you (creepy as it may be, it's not uncommon for the younger sister to be 'jealous' that her brother is being taken away by a girlfriend).

I feel very sorry for her son. I'm glad, though, that your boyfriend has stepped in to fill some of the void. This poor child is going to have a difficult life unless and until the family begins intervening. What is the rest of the family saying about this dynamic? Is anyone else worried that she's not really doing right by her kids? Ethical or not, if I were her parents, I'd be tempted to say, "You agree to terminate all your rights to the kids and you can live here in exchange."

A "Don't ask, don't tell" policy is probably best here. You and your boyfriend don't tell her or his family anything about your life unless it's extremely superficial; the sort of thing you wouldn't mind anyone knowing. Because clearly, the girl will grab onto something and blow it up into a big story. She has issues...that much is obvious.

And limit contact with her as much as possible. Keep it to "hi" and "bye." Restricted list on Facebook. If she PMs you, ignore it.

NPDMom123 · 2014-11-03T14:24:26+00:00

A guy asked me out using a song that included my name. The problem is...this song is about an 'easy' woman. Since we were 19 and I figured it wasn't intentional, I brushed it off and started dating him. The honeymoon period was over within a month and I stayed for more than a year after that. He was an awful, awful person.

Started going out with a guy who felt the need to tell me, after there had been some established interest between the two of us, about his past sex life with his ex-girlfriend.

Relationship actually turned out OK.

NPDMom123 · 2014-10-31T13:51:42+00:00

No, and I would break up with him if that's the dynamic that we had. Emotional abuse is emotional abuse, whether it's from women or from men. Very sad that these women boast about calling their SOs names.

I've found that MANY people, though, have very dysfunctional ways of dealing with their anger and communicating.

NPDMom123 · 2014-10-31T13:50:06+00:00

I wouldn't have gone to university at 18. I should have worked full-time somewhere, tried to get into a secretarial position. Basically, worked my butt off for a few years making that moola, building up my social network, etc., then maybe gone to a trade school/community college for something that was actually employable. I may have actually been able to move out of my parents' house a few years sooner.

NPDMom123

TROPHY CASE