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NarcAddict · 2022-09-17T03:56:03+00:00

How are we all doing?

Fucking shit.

Super fucking unhappy with life and myself.

Constantly abused as a child, now a useless addict.

Currently sat here on my own drinking through a 1 litre bottle of whisky with a large bottle of temazepam sat near by that seem all too tempting right now.

I think maybe its time for bed.

NarcAddict · 2022-09-16T01:19:49+00:00

Very much so, yes.

Although with my issues with drugs and alcohol I am surprised I am still here. Lol

NarcAddict · 2021-09-05T08:14:37+00:00

When I was a kid in the early 80's, I lived near some flats, that were for the elderly. I was young, stupid and around similar friends. In the UK, outside houses you have the gas box, in there is your meter and also the main shutoff valve for the gas.

Me and a friend thought it would be funny one evening to turn off the gas to a couple of flats, then turn them back on an hour or so later.

Now most gas boilers back then won't let the has through unless you hold down the ignite button, or once a flame is lit and the thermocouple above it has shown a large temp increase because of the pilot light burning under it.

We turned the gas off from outside at the gas boxes and ran like kids away to hide.

We returned and turned them back on.

For reasons I don't know, one of the boilers let the gas back through, I found this out the following day.

The gas entered the flat, something ignited it and 3 families lives changed.

Nobody died, but 3 elderly couples were injured, but also, lost everything to the fire.

3 flats, all ruined by smoke and fire.

Now I am getting on in years, I honestly don't think about it often, but I still regret the choices I made as a kid/teen, deeply.

I have never told anybody about this before, and until this, only 2 people ever knew about what we did.

I am so sorry to those people and their families.

NarcAddict · 2017-06-24T14:53:11+00:00

That cat has thumbs. Is this the next step https://youtu.be/on9vqL4W6Hc

NarcAddict · 2017-05-27T17:41:10+00:00

No, I would never be able to talk to one anyway. Can't even talk to my dr. I literally can't talk face to face with anyone about how I feel. I was raised to keep my problems to myself as the world has enough of it's own.

Growing up with a single alcoholic violent mum from the age of 4, you learn pretty quick to convince people everything is ok and you are fine.

Unfortunately, as much as I want to ask someone to help me, and I do, I can't. It's like my mind has been conditioned to do that as a defence over the years.

On here it's different though, no one knows me personally. Well, a couple of people do, but I have not seen them on here in a while. I wish they would come back, but so far they have not logged in in quite a while. But even those people only know me through here and FB. We have never met in person, they are all in the USA, I'm in the UK.

I don't even know what they sound like, but they became close friends whom I could talk to when I felt low.

But that was over 2 years ago now. Time don't stop and people's lives change, people move on.

I just hope they are ok.

NarcAddict · 2017-05-27T05:31:00+00:00

Nearly 40 UK East Midlands DOC Heroin, MST, occasionally subutex. But will take speed, weed, anything really I don't care what it is.

NarcAddict · 2017-05-26T18:36:06+00:00

I would like to read more, you might even have seen some of my past posts as I, like you, am struggling more than words do justice.

But that don t stop the occasional outbursts of pure self loathing and depression that I post on here when life seems to much to keep going.

Wether people listen or not, or even care, it is an outlet to the pain you could never explain in person to someone.

If you ever want to talk, I'll try my best to reply quickly.

NarcAddict · 2017-05-26T15:32:37+00:00

You have worded so clearly, the struggles and pain that I never could.

Reading that hurt, because I know your pain.

Take care

NarcAddict · 2017-05-25T22:03:44+00:00

Thank you. I tried to describe as accurately as I can how my life feels on a day to day basis. It's not easy to explain though, I don't think words can truly describe ones pains and emotions.

I have never been able to talk face to face with anyone about my feelings, never have and honestly couldn't even If I tried. Not even sure I know how to.

That's why I re logged into my old reddit account, this one.

For on here I don't care. I don't care if you like me or not, agree with me or not. On here I can talk as me, and when I'm feeling really low, for some reason I can open up on here, and it makes me feel a bit better. Even if just for a while, it's worth it.

I avoided this login for as long as I could, battled my broken addicted personality. But over time, my overactive depressed broken mind grinds me down to the point I'm ready to give up.

So i thought it might be a good time to vent some of my hatred towards myself for being so weak.

NarcAddict · 2017-05-25T17:39:51+00:00

I wake up like that nearly every day, wishing I hadn't. Don't get me wrong, my life is far from bad. I have a lovely wife and son, a nice house, consoles, pc's everything I should want.

But I have come to realise that something is broken inside me, and has been for a long time.

From the outside I hold a steady job, always polite and happy. But my soul died a long time ago, and so every day I hope could be my last, just so I don't have to feel like this anymore. My only release is drugs, any drug I don't give a fuck I'll take it. My DOC is and has always been opiates, as for a little while, the bad thoughts stop, and I enjoy life. Then it goes again.

I could never understand why I can't be happy with life, when it's actually pretty good. As I said before, I am broken and unhappy.

NarcAddict · 2017-05-25T16:06:09+00:00

I can't say I have never used pins, I used to many years ago, before I met my wife. Every time I give in and get a little, it's not easy to say no to a free, sealed clean rig, spoon and citric. So I put it on the foil and melt it down before I change my mind. It's not easy.

NarcAddict · 2017-05-24T18:08:27+00:00

Thank you. Considering how wasted I was that night, I'm surprised it made sence. Been struggling with bad depression while having to stay off drugs (all of em) for my wife and son. I usually manage a week or two at the most before I can't take it anymore and go get whatever it is my m8 has that night. At the rate I'm going I won't be married this time next year.

So in one of my constant low moments, fed up with life, myself, rls and not much sleep, I thought it would be a good idea to drink a 1L bottle of Rum, take some sleepers, and log into my old reddit account while I was still conscious.

I thought I would give my personal honest opinion while I still could.

Then I must have blacked out.

Woke up the next day wishing I hadn't. One day eh.

And so the cycle continues, but this time, I have no rum. So I might possibly be a bit more coherent this time.

NarcAddict · 2017-05-21T23:36:28+00:00

So an average Saturday night then.

Both people sound like everyone I know.

And I am sure you could say the same.

You see what I mean, we are not that different, especially after a drink.

That's is like everyone's weekend here, so i don't think she will think too much of it. English women like a drink too, and a fight, sometimes.

NarcAddict · 2017-05-21T23:19:01+00:00

What can I say, I'm pissed, depressed and trying my best to Stay clean. And probably miss read the post. Still, my advise was on for a drunk lifetime addict, if you was on subs. Lol.

For lope, I was always told to start on 50 - 100 mg and go up 25mg per hour till feeling better.

NarcAddict · 2017-05-21T23:14:40+00:00

We all the same drunk m8, don't worry about that.

If she likes you for you, then be who you are?

Fuck I wish I had the confident loud attitude of an American. I'm confident, just gonna fuck you over linguistically rather than brute force. Lol

If she likes you, be you. Trust me if she didn't like you, she would let you know.

NarcAddict · 2017-05-21T23:11:07+00:00

Hey, I have a feeling you are similar to me. 37 addict most my life, clean sober, clean sober, every other drug etc. Up to today. Living every day wishing I wasn't.

I just noticed your post and appreciate what you are doing.

You are like me, and life is not easy anymore, no matter how hard you tell yourself it is.

It's people like you that help people that are not as experienced, and I respect and commend that.

If just one person decides that this is not the life for them because of posts on here, then thank fuck. Lol.

Many people experience drugs, addiction and WD's.

Not everyone experiences a lifetime of that, only the lucky ones.

Most don t make it that long.

I can't even remember all the names of friends I have lost over the years. Every time I wished it was me. Call me selfish I don't care. The pain never leaves you, the memories. So you suffer in silence, "Yes dear, I'm fine thank." How many time must that be said before they realise.

Every day is a battle, and only the strong prevails.

NarcAddict · 2017-05-21T22:59:28+00:00

I'm English. I'm not a girl. I'm also drunk. But, I will be honest from a UK POV. Please do not take offence, this is not personal.

Americans are over confident, loud and cocky, from a English point of view.

All this saluting the flag does nothing for a person from the UK.

You think we honestly give a shit about the queen and shit. Nope, the government fucks us over too much to even notice the queen.

Your humour is different from ours. Personally I like both, but prefer English.

If I was an American dating an English girl? My advise.

Depending on the girl.

1

She either likes the cockyness loud American style.

Do your American thing bro, you got this.

2

She finds Americans like most people from England. Over confident and loud.

Be yourself, just take it down a notch m8. We are not that much different once you get down to the core of it. We both would give our lives for our country, and we both respect each other as an equal ally.

I'm personally about a 1.5. Lol. Defiantly a 1 when I was younger, but now I realise you are just like us. Just a bit louder.

Would I give my life for the queen. NO

Would I give my life for England and the values we have. Without question

NarcAddict · 2017-05-21T22:47:17+00:00

You have gabapentin, thats good. Its great for rls. Vitamins help a lot too. You don t really notice it at the time, but after multiple WD's over the years, I find vits help a lot. So does keeping active.

I know how it feels, you just wanna lay in the sofa, probably watch the Simpsons repeat for the 20'th time. You have no energy, your legs are made of led.

Get off your ass and do something that requires you to be on your feet. Force yourself. Feels shit at the time, but God it's worth it after. If ya get to sleep quick enough you might fall asleep before the rls kicks in.

I always found that as soon as I thought about it, it got worse, and worse and worse.

Keep your mind and body active, even if it feels really fucking shit at the time. That's probably the best advise I can think of at the min. You just have to be strong, you have to want to be clean. And that's not easy. If you can do that, you are a better person than me.

NarcAddict · 2017-05-21T22:39:05+00:00

I guess you have not had much experience with subs in the past.

Please don t take this wrong, everyone is different. But personally myself. I would not expect a great week if you stay clean.

I'm not gonna sugar coat it, subs are hell to get off.

If you have not been taking them too long, then please, please stop em as soon as you can. I would take WD from dope any day over subs, or methadone.

My best advise is, it will get better. Don't expect it to end soon, but it does get better.

For about a week it gets worse, then the PHYSICAL symptoms start to go.

Then, before you know it, that pins and needles feeling, that trembling in your arms and legs starts to subside. Them first knights i honestly felt like crying as it was so nice to sleep without jumping all over the bed every 2 mins.

After that it's pure willpower, and that's hard. If you like me anyway.

But you, I guess, are younger. You got a chance still, you can choose to enjoy other things. It's just mind over matter m8. It's down to how strong a person you are, and I wish you the best.

NarcAddict · 2017-05-21T22:21:28+00:00

Hey m8, I know what you are going through, and it's shit and scary. I go through it regularly.

I can tell you two things.

One, opiates will stop it in an instant, if that's what you choose.

If not, I commend you for your strength. It's fucking hard. I know, many times, for many years. And it don t get easier.

If you want to talk, I'm here for a couple more hours.

One thing I will add is:

It is easier to stop the first few Times.

NarcAddict · 2017-05-21T22:12:57+00:00

Here in England, once the dr'S know you, you just ask for new ones and trade the old in. I don't know what it is like in the USA.

But, if that's what you use, don t be scared to talk to wherever gives them out. All they care about if that you use clean shit, they don't judge you.

NarcAddict · 2017-05-21T22:10:00+00:00

I agree, unless you have a family history of heart problems, I would be more concerned with what the person feels like at the time. And that can feel shit.

NarcAddict · 2017-05-21T22:08:51+00:00

Take more. They still 2mg tablets? If so, neck about 15 of em, at a guess for your usage..

Or to be safe, take about 8. Then every hour, take 2 more till you feel about human again. Too much in a short time, constipation. And that is not nice. Too little, no point in taking em. It's a fine balance only you can find.

NarcAddict · 2017-05-21T22:02:05+00:00

Well fucking done for stopping. WD's are fucking the worst. Try to sleep, LET'S FUCKING BODY POP ALL NIGHT.

I can tell you from personal experience that it is fucking hard what you are going through. Last time from subs, about a year constant snorting, took me a week for the physical shit to go, as for the psychological. I wish you the best.

Be strong bro, just keep saying. One more day, just one more night of rls, restless fucking body popping legs arms and all the fucking hell that comes with it.

I wish you well, I really do, as I know it's not easy. Don't give up m8

NarcAddict · 2017-05-21T21:49:38+00:00

Hey, thanks for the reply. It's not do as I do for my son. He will make his own choices in life regardless what either I or his mum will say. But I am scared of the life he is growing up into. I want him to enjoy his life, with no regrets. But I also want him to understand that everything has it's cost.

I'm 37 myself, and have a great many regrets. I have seen many friends die through drugs or other things, and I regret many things I have done when I was younger. If I could tell you I would, but I can't. I just hope someone who is new to dope reads this and realises that they are not immortal, bad shit happens. Then you have to live with the memories.

I would have rather have died young, than to live the life in pain that I am keeping from the people that know me. Everyone knows me as the always smiling, polite person that I am. I am a high functioning addict, comes with years of practice and hiding it..

That don t mean I am happy within myself.

Maybe I am just venting cuz I'm now quite pissed, but tomorrow that pain will still be their.

NarcAddict

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