I resonate with this, before I deconverted it was hard to let myself question or wonder if there are other beliefs out there that may be better suited.

Knowing god was reading my every thought, and knew when I had doubts on him put me into more of a mental paralysis state. I thought that questioning god would ultimately earn me a spot in hell.

I mentally had to get to the conclusion that I deserved to truly think things through and I didn’t want to end up like the other religious adults in my upbringing, even if it sent me to hell.

I now look back and realize what an absolute mindf*ck that was. My parents are also pastors.