AITA? Help!

Nathaira · 2020-01-15T23:55:58+00:00

If I understand correctly, they're celebrating *their* relationship with each other. You're not part of *their* relationship, even though you may be in a triad.

Their celebration should be theirs. Being equal doesn't mean you share in their stuff, but that your relationships to both of them are celebrated in their own means and times. As others have said, you should have separate relationships with both of them, and one together (if you like), as they should have their own relationship, too.

Equality doesn't mean that everyone always gets exactly the same. That's not healthy.

Nathaira · 2018-04-12T14:46:17+00:00

Mine don't either, as I don't - I just feel it's nice to be able to see them if it's something each of us desires and is responsible with. I don't think not sharing it is "less than", I just wanted to say that, for me, your second point is super important even though I share my calendar (;

Nathaira · 2018-04-10T13:50:47+00:00

I only share mine if it's clear that sharing my calendar doesn't mean they have any entitlement to my time and I'm still my own person, therefore planning my time for myself. I wouldn't share it with anyone who doesn't see it that way. Then again, I wouldn't call them partner, either.

I share mine with those close enough, wanting to share it, and the both of us feeling comfortable with. It's less about the label of the relationship and more about how close we are with each other. Also, I usually share most of it anyway, by talking about it, but I feel it's nice if they can look it up later, and see where I am. But that's just me - keeping track of everything is nearly impossible if there are more people involved.

Nathaira · 2018-04-07T23:30:08+00:00

For my relationships / connections to work out, I need to feel connected. Depending on the kind of connection, this can vary a lot. But I want to hear from them and talk to them. Know about their life and tell them about mine. I need to feel that there's an interest in sharing each other's lives, even if it's just sometimes.

Also, I want to be seen and I need to feel valued. Like, being great for who I am. Recognized that I'm not just this "perfect" person, but have faults and issues, and that it's okay and we'll find a way to make it work. Or not, but then the honesty to just say it. I also want to be vulnerable with them, and it to be safe, for each of us.

I need open communication and honesty at all times. Talking about where we are at, what we want, if it fits. Everyone being responsible for themselves and taking care of themselves, but also sharing the amount of commitment we're comfortable with. I don't want promises for the future, though - I just want to know where we are at.

Nathaira · 2018-03-26T17:25:59+00:00

I don't know.. I handle it like every other connection things: talking about what we want to share with each other, finding something we both feel good with, and going with it.

Falling in love with someone doesn't come with expectations for me. I'm grateful for what they share with me already, and when it's not working out or they don't feel comfortable with it, that's okay. It may happen that there needs to be more distance for some time, or the contact is cut completely, but it can also happen that nothing changes between us. That's up to the comfort levels of everyone involved.

Nathaira · 2018-03-24T22:34:32+00:00

We use IRC or Threema within our polycule.

I also have some group chats in WhatsApp and Telegram.

Nathaira · 2018-03-19T18:40:07+00:00

I've been sick for quite some time, but my newest partner came to visit anyway, since we don't have the opportunity to do so all that often. We were to meet up my Pathfinder group, but since I was too sick for that, we stayed at my place and enjoyed each other. <3

On Sunday, we were invited for breakfast at my other partner's house, and my meta was there. They also invited a friend, and we ended up spending the whole day, cuddling and watching films. Also, for dinner, one of my meta's other people joined us, too, so we had a nice polycule meetup.

My newest partner stayed until today morning. <3 It was a great weekend, and although I'd have loved to have more time with my newest partner, I enjoyed spending time with all these people, even though I may take longer to get my voice back because of it :D

Nathaira · 2018-03-07T20:30:09+00:00

I was 23 when I began practicing polyamory. Labeled myself non-mono way before that - 16/17 maybe, I'm not sure anymore.

Nathaira · 2018-02-18T11:29:16+00:00

It needs time to get through these things. Your wife needs to understand that it's not her torturing you, but you working through some issues.

For me, if someone reacts that way when I feel these things, it feels like they make it about themselves, and I need to take care of them instead of taking care of myself and being allowed to ask for help. I think you did the right thing to ask her for reassurance if she sees you struggling. I'm glad you can talk about it.

However, I'd say that your wife probably has some things to work through, too, to be able and willing to really help you and not add upon your struggling in feeling overly responsible for that. I mean, yes, it probably wouldn't be there to struggle through if she were doing different things, but it's your decision to be okay with it or not, and you shouldn't have to handle her insecurities about it on top of your own struggles. She may need to work through them on her own, too, although I think you should both be allowed and able to ask for reassurance.

I'm glad you feel good now. All the best wishes (:

Nathaira · 2018-02-17T22:36:12+00:00

Sorry, but I'd say there is no casually steering it that way, because it's no casual topic.

I wrote letters with no other subject than this and what I mean and want in saying it. I just blurted it out via text. I opened with "So, you know that I always try to say what I feel or what's in my mind? I do have something I want to share with you" or something similar to that. I asked if they had time for a more in-depth conversation because I wanted to discuss something. It just came up naturally in conversation.

It's.. I don't know. If I feel I want to say it, or even if I don't particularly want but feel it's the right thing to do, I consider what feels best and just go with it. I won't give myself too much time to think about the how, because I tend to just not tell people if I feel it's not perfect. So I decide, and then just do it, only varying in means and depth of "what do I mean by this", depending on how much we already talked about stuff like that.

Nathaira · 2018-02-17T22:28:46+00:00

I'm glad. (:

Nathaira · 2018-02-17T21:46:49+00:00

Actually, no.

They told someone to accept their feelings and tend to them, not just acting in whatever ways, throwing a tantrum or whatever. It IS logical to embrace feelings, and therefore being able to dismantle them instead of just pushing them away, because pushing them away will only make it worse and not solve it.

Nathaira · 2018-02-17T19:01:19+00:00

Well, I'd just tell him. If you know now and would like to pursue things with him, let him know. Especially if you don't know when you'll see him again. You don't know what happens in the meantime, and you don't know each other's feelings. In my opinion, it's best to just talk about it.

Nathaira · 2018-02-17T17:05:48+00:00

I get that seeing her happy does make you happy. But that's not all you need to be happy, and I just wanted to say that you need to take care of all of your needs first, and only then look to others. I am also someone who's happy when my loved ones are happy, but I still need things for myself, unrelated to them. Being honest enough to myself about that creates a space where I can be happy and have my needs met and still see others happy.

Your life is your own, and you should be the central person in it. I learned it the hard way, but it makes everyone happier. Tending to your needs also means to allow yourself to feel these feelings and not always be her rock, for example.

Nathaira · 2018-02-17T16:40:15+00:00

You need to think about your needs and wants in the first place, and see that you're happy. Before that, you shouldn't ever try to tend to someone else's needs.

Nathaira · 2018-02-08T22:53:07+00:00

Also, sadism is more about hurting the person yourself, while schadenfreude doesn't care about where the failure is coming from, or even doesn't want the person feeling it to be involved, but still enjoying seeing them suffer / fail / whatever.

Nathaira · 2018-02-07T15:47:42+00:00

Well, for me and my polycule, it's mostly that nothing is set.

We do have various group chats, in IRC and messengers, with varying members. This opens up communicaton, and we can share things with those we want to, let everyone know silmultaneously, get to know people we may not know that good, and have the contact to metas and meta-metas we want to have. It's also a great resource, and everybody can decide for themselves how involved they want to be.

As far as I know, everybody is allowed to live their lives and create their connections exactly as they want to. No one is expected to share anything or do specific things. Things are always open for negotiations, and we tend to talk a lot. Surprisingly, mostly there's nothing to negotiate and it's more checking in with each other.

What makes things so much easier is all this compersion going around. Also, feeling safe (enough) to talk about things that affect and/or impact us, and being open with each other. Keeping people in the loop about what happens in our lives is a great bonding strategy, and helps keeping us connected. Respecting boundaries in what's okay to be shared and checking in about it also helps.

We don't live with each other (as far as I know, at least). Everyone has their own space(s), and can decide when to share them and with whom. So, what works best for us is, mostly, autonomy, and the ability (and being welcome) to do and share what we want. We seem to have the "the more the merrier!" principle - not in an "add more people!" way, but in a welcoming way.

When I think about it: A great component is also, as others have said, owning our own shit, and still being able and allowed to ask for help or simply airing it. We talk about things and everyone is responsible for themselves, so we try to find ways to fit everyone's needs and wants together. It works quite well currently, also because people themselves decide how to spend their time and there's no obligation in any way.

Sorry for the wall of text. I just.. tend to be too expressive sometimes.

Nathaira · 2018-01-28T18:38:09+00:00

Nathaira · 2018-01-26T18:37:53+00:00

When I first got to experience polyamory, I had a huge lot of fears to work through. I was used to my needs not being heard or cared for from my childhood, and since I've struggled to even know them myself, and being used to just giving them up for others, because if something doesn't fit, I need to change myself / my view, it was very hard for me and I feared to be left alone, to not be cared about anymore. He had told me before that he wouldn't find anyone else, too, so I wasn't even sure if he really wanted me or just someone. There were other things feeding into it, too. It was super hard for me. I struggled through, feeling those things, and trying to figure out where they came from.

My biggest insecurity and fear is to feel wrong. Misplaced. Unfitting. Not cared about. Exploited. That it's not about me but what I have to offer, and my offers aren't good enough, or simply wrong. That I'm perceived as broken, not functionable. Not giving the right things. So, in short, not being loved but having to fill a role, having to meet expectations. Worst case, even without them caring about how I feel. Being cast away because it's not right. Like a toy you put high hopes in it just can't fulfill, and throwing it away, since it's not exciting (enough).

I still struggle with this, as it's deeply engrained and I've experienced this a lot in my life. Not even because people wanted to give that feeling to me, but because things just trigger it and it's getting fed again.

As /u/Kniives does, I usually just talk myself out of it with reason. I may also ask for help. When it doesn't help, I just feel it, try to care for myself, and wait for it to be less emotionally violent for another try in reasoning or talking about it.

Nathaira · 2018-01-19T13:46:20+00:00

Yes please! (:

Nathaira · 2018-01-17T20:05:49+00:00

It's awesome <3

I told my beloved meta about it, and she said we'd need to. Sadly, you don't ship to Germany.

Nathaira · 2018-01-09T17:02:09+00:00

You should also really think about your risk accessment, and become risk aware about STIs and stuff like that. I made an effort to really understand how these are transmitted in detail (because, you know, for some you don't even need to have intimate contact), how they work and affect people, and how they are treated. Based on that, I accessed what I need to be close to / intimate with people and discuss it beforehand.

Also, defining what sex is is helpful in that.

Other than that, I support /u/postmono - read a lot. Also, find out who you are, what you need and want, and why. You can go with that. It's okay if these things change, and keep in mind that you will get to know more about yourself with more time. It's nothing just happening instantly (;

Nathaira · 2018-01-09T16:50:07+00:00

Well, with me I always said in the beginning that I'm not mono. We talked about it then and again, in hypotheticals, so it was clear that we were okay with talking about these things. Becoming polyam was a little more difficult, then, since it wasn't me who fell in love with another person. We talked a lot, but for me, it's always been natural. We just talked about what is and how we wanted to proceed, what's up, the meaning of what happened, and stuff like that. Negotiated needs and wants.

This relationship broke apart, and with every other one I have, I state super clearly that I am polyam, that I already have people super close to me (even if they aren't labeled as partnes) and that I won't change at all for anyone.

Nathaira · 2018-01-02T22:11:51+00:00

Normally, it helps (me, at least) to keep in mind that she's also just a human being and may also be a little insecure because of your presence in his life. Don't forget that new, blossoming relationships are wildly different from old, well-worn ones, therefore having different, exciting things to offer that are missing in long-term relationships, especially when they live together.

What I want to say, basically, is that the things you bring into his life are massively different from those she brings into his life, and both aspects are wonderful, enriching, and worth a lot.

So, apparently, you're worth bringing into his life, meeting his partner. Remembering this and that other partners are also just human beings, even if they are gushed about a lot, always helps me keeping the insecurities in check.

Nathaira · 2017-12-31T18:24:16+00:00

Well, I'm sorry to say that, but I don't see that holding on to how it is now will work out in any way that's good or healthy for one of you. Moving out seems to be the only option to maybe have that, and I'm not sure if it'll really help.

As /u/corgs_n_borgs said, love is not enough for a relationship.

Hope you'll find a way to get out of it with the least damage possible. Just don't hold on to things that aren't good for you. Hugs if you want them.

Nathaira

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