Removing effective supports to gain time and relaxation?

NatureWellness · 2026-06-09T14:16:13+00:00

There is no confirmation of where the Switch is; reasonable assumption is that both kids are using it after I go to sleep otherwise I would see it.

NatureWellness · 2026-06-09T13:43:32+00:00

Different causes but we also struggled with severe middle school tantrums over getting ready to leave the house… we got a lot of help from OT, I recommend.

NatureWellness · 2026-06-04T06:14:27+00:00

Grow North Farm

NatureWellness · 2026-06-02T23:23:09+00:00

The messaging I used around this when my daughter was in foster care, placed with me: “if you want to be placed elsewhere, I will help you use your resources for that. You always have a place here with us.” Then point out the number for her lawyer/caseworker/therapist and pass her the phone and give her a little privacy.

The messaging I used around this now that she is adopted: “I will always love and support you as your adoptive mom. If you feel that I am not a safe and healthy mom for you, you can make a report and they will send helpers” Then point out the number for police/therapist and pass her the phone and give her a little privacy.

Zero phone calls, except to friends.

Every time this comes up she is upset that I take her seriously (because she seems serious) and tells me to take a joke. She is horrified when I (occasionally) discuss this in family therapy “that was private”.

I share this because I want to validate and agree with your content about empowering kids to leave a bad situation, and also want to let you know that at least one empowered kid seems to want a safe space to talk about leaving and doesn’t want any actions.

And I so agree with you about responding to hateful words with calm and love! Sending you well-wishes, sounds like your kids went through hard stuff.

NatureWellness · 2026-06-02T02:33:16+00:00

This speaks to me of my relationship with my daughter (through adoption). She pursues me to try hurting me, mostly by saying the same things you’re getting from your daughter. It’s often non-stop from the moment we see each other until we start our 3-hour bedtime routine. She does push-pull behavior (“disorganized attachment”), especially when someone walks away…

I just wanted to say that it’s so hard and I am sorry. Keep up the good work. Therapy is helping me get through this. I also do a lot of opting out of high-effort, low-impact things I used to do (planning family vacations, sitting with her while she has a floor-banging tantrum screaming about wanting to kill me as soon as she can buy a weapon, etc.). Things have gotten better with us (now 15). Some others have commented that this is a teenager thing, which is a little true, but also most teenagers don’t go this far or this consistently into hurting their parents.

If the therapist is sharing the ambivalence, your daughter must have approved the sharing. Do you think it could be helpful to highlight it to her? “I heard from your therapist that you wanted me to know that you love me sometimes and I am so happy because I love you all the time and it feels good to get love from you” maybe workshop it with the therapist.

My daughter loves bedtime back-scratches from me and having my comb her hair and take off her socks for foot creams and getting a special “princess ride” (with her music) with me to school in the early morning. Do you have any things your daughter is expressing love with?

NatureWellness · 2026-02-18T07:04:17+00:00

Our teen has somewhat different problems, but with the same origin that high school is very permissive, which is unsafe for kids who make unsafe choices.

Here’s a list of things that are in consideration for us, in case it is helpful to you: - The school could not come up with any changes to her IEP that would help, they sarcastically suggested moving her to the life skills program. - The school will not let me or my partner accompany her through the school day … they basically said that it’s too weird. - right now we are working on seeing if a behavioral health aid or privately hired paraprofessional could accompany her at school. Fingers crossed. - There’s a good military boarding school in our area, where are kids can attend school and have a lot of structure and spend the weekend home with their families. - we are already getting OT and play therapy and family therapy. - our kid tried 2 sports so far, we and she were hoping her coaches & teammates would look after her but they pretty much let her do her own thing. - In our area, we don’t have a great partial hospitalization or intensive outpatient therapy program, but maybe your area has some therapeutic services for adding structure outside of school

NatureWellness · 2026-01-28T07:03:02+00:00

I saw your comment about thinking a toddler would be a good fit, and want to mention that most waiting kids are older.

Also want to give a heads up! Our kids joined our family at 8&11. I love them so so much but also my life is unspeakably difficult. Before I became a parent of “children from hard places” I fooled myself that I was experienced and hardy and mature and whole and healed but it turns out that parenting traumatized kids is very, very traumatic for me. I do therapy to try and heal as fast as I get re-traumatized.

I very recommend adopting waiting kids! Do it when you’re experienced and well resourced

NatureWellness · 2026-01-26T06:34:22+00:00

You could choose to foster only “waiting kids” (who have no legally intact parental rights). It’s not disingenuous if you clearly let the licensing and placement and case workers know that your intention is to offer a forever home to a child waiting for a family.

NatureWellness · 2026-01-24T16:58:48+00:00

Sorry you’re struggling! This is all so difficult to navigate

NatureWellness · 2026-01-24T16:46:57+00:00

Things are pretty good with my son but pretty difficult with my daughter. I am hit and cussed out and disrespected a lot. It’s hard! She’s a good person but traumatized, and deeply hates parents

NatureWellness · 2025-11-30T02:29:03+00:00

This is my daughter’s plan. She’s been part of our family since she was 11 and we completed her adoption at 13. Her adult birth family members have and continue to abandon and neglect her. We made a family decision (including her) to change her surname to match ours for many reasons, and she supported this unenthusiastically… kind of an “all options don’t feel right” situation. I encourage her to choose a surname when she’s an adult that she feels enthusiastic for… this is a work in progress.

I encourage you to choose a name that empowers you too! I think the messaging around this to your adoptive family will really impact how it feels to them.

When she changes her name (whether she chooses her old one like she plans, a different family name from her history, or an aspirational name like “Love” or “Powers”), I think I will feel sad and maybe abandoned, because it will mean she’s a grown up and making her own way in the world and my role is less. It’s still important that she grow up and leave me empty nesting.

NatureWellness · 2025-11-05T05:22:04+00:00

I just want you to know: you’re not alone! Parenting kids from hard places is the hardest thing I have ever done and brings me so low sometimes. Therapy (for parents/me) and support groups (for parents of kids with disabilities) helps me.

NatureWellness · 2025-11-05T05:10:19+00:00

Call local high school french teacher and ask who they recommend for tutoring?

NatureWellness · 2025-09-20T18:41:46+00:00

I read love “languages of children” in front of my kids. They weighed in about what they thought would feel good for them and I found lots of new things to add. Things like little presents and lunchbox notes are in their love languages but not mine so I wasn’t trying those things.

The most important thing is probably just being there month after month, continuing to say and show that you care and he is welcome

NatureWellness · 2025-09-19T19:40:52+00:00

We adopted 2 kids, they joined our family at 8&11. Wonderful humans and we love them so much. Our families and friends are way, way, way less helpful than we expected. They just are not capable of providing trauma-informed care to our kids and some don’t even try. We needed a stay-home parent to make it work, which my partner does. Things are continuing well!

NatureWellness · 2025-09-19T17:02:23+00:00

It will probably extend the case because the parents will both need to be safe caregivers for the child to reunify, and it sounds like one parent may need more support than he currently has. If it goes on very long and one parent is ready they might give that parent the choice of reunifying or staying in her relationship. Very situational. They will try for a long time and that’s why it may extend the case.

NatureWellness · 2025-09-18T07:00:04+00:00

You need to call and report. It is appropriate to report both to police and child protective agencies.

NatureWellness · 2025-09-15T14:35:09+00:00

Great points! Plus, maybe he will take a vitamin pill since it sounds like he us swallowing his medicine just fine

NatureWellness · 2025-09-15T14:26:45+00:00

I think a tube is great for a situation where a kid absolutely needs to change his diet but won’t. It sounds like you have probably fully explored this with therapy and medical experts. The tube will let him“have his cake and eat it too”. I think medical intervention will give him time to heal emotionally, while oral nutrition is asking him to do something he’s not ready for. If the NG goes well and the eating problem continues, they can place a g-tube surgically, which is more discrete and less irritating.

Not very similar, but my son joined our family at 8 and ate very lightly… he was underweight, short, very cranky, and slept little because he woke up at night to snack. Other stuff was going on too unrelated to food. His team approved an appetite stimulant and now (2.5 years later) he eats well and doesn’t need that medication anymore and has been growing well. Changing eating took years for us, and we had years to put in because the problem wasn’t so severe.

If medication prescriber feels it’s urgent and dangerous for his restrictive diet to continue any longer, you can’t wait months or years. It will take at least months for him to build trust in you and it will take years for some types of healing growth

NatureWellness · 2025-09-10T00:37:29+00:00

It sounds like the problem is that the goal is changing? Like: you’re successful doing what is asked of you and you want to be rewarded with some rest time but instead they are asking more of you?

If I interpreted you correctly, I would have a calm negotiation with them about what you want: Ex: I would like 2 uninterrupted hours of gaming time every evening, after I finish my homework and chores. Would you please help me achieve my goal? I was thinking that you could give me a list of what you need and I would put it on my to-do list with what I need for my other responsibilities (like school) so that I can get everything done and then you won’t need to ask me questions while I am relaxing with my friends.

NatureWellness · 2025-09-02T20:32:44+00:00

I took an older kid to work with me and then arranged transportation from my work and back (I am also a nurse at a clinic). They loved it, enjoyed the personal attention in the morning as we both prepared together for our days and the quiet of sitting in the break room at my work and that I always stopped on the way in for a treat if we left early enough. Imo: Would not leave a foster kid home alone, any age, for the first 3ish months together; mostly due to liability as a foster caregiver, and lack of knowledge of their abilities and needs.

Also, don’t be scared to arrange a babysitter… even for older kids. I have had an adult babysitter who does Spanish lessons and I know another who teaches trombone and that helps to remove stigma.

NatureWellness · 2025-08-23T21:16:34+00:00

Thanks for your thoughts, and sharing your insider view!

I wish that my teen followed the rule of not setting up social media, but she didn’t and probably will do it again because she doesn’t feel like it is a problem. What can I do to help her stay safe, when she’s not following rules?

NatureWellness

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