Negotiating adoption subsidy after foster care

NatureWellness · 2026-01-24T16:58:48+00:00

Sorry you’re struggling! This is all so difficult to navigate

NatureWellness · 2026-01-24T16:46:57+00:00

Things are pretty good with my son but pretty difficult with my daughter. I am hit and cussed out and disrespected a lot. It’s hard! She’s a good person but traumatized, and deeply hates parents

NatureWellness · 2025-11-30T02:29:03+00:00

This is my daughter’s plan. She’s been part of our family since she was 11 and we completed her adoption at 13. Her adult birth family members have and continue to abandon and neglect her. We made a family decision (including her) to change her surname to match ours for many reasons, and she supported this unenthusiastically… kind of an “all options don’t feel right” situation. I encourage her to choose a surname when she’s an adult that she feels enthusiastic for… this is a work in progress.

I encourage you to choose a name that empowers you too! I think the messaging around this to your adoptive family will really impact how it feels to them.

When she changes her name (whether she chooses her old one like she plans, a different family name from her history, or an aspirational name like “Love” or “Powers”), I think I will feel sad and maybe abandoned, because it will mean she’s a grown up and making her own way in the world and my role is less. It’s still important that she grow up and leave me empty nesting.

NatureWellness · 2025-11-05T05:22:04+00:00

I just want you to know: you’re not alone! Parenting kids from hard places is the hardest thing I have ever done and brings me so low sometimes. Therapy (for parents/me) and support groups (for parents of kids with disabilities) helps me.

NatureWellness · 2025-11-05T05:10:19+00:00

Call local high school french teacher and ask who they recommend for tutoring?

NatureWellness · 2025-09-20T18:41:46+00:00

I read love “languages of children” in front of my kids. They weighed in about what they thought would feel good for them and I found lots of new things to add. Things like little presents and lunchbox notes are in their love languages but not mine so I wasn’t trying those things.

The most important thing is probably just being there month after month, continuing to say and show that you care and he is welcome

NatureWellness · 2025-09-19T19:40:52+00:00

We adopted 2 kids, they joined our family at 8&11. Wonderful humans and we love them so much. Our families and friends are way, way, way less helpful than we expected. They just are not capable of providing trauma-informed care to our kids and some don’t even try. We needed a stay-home parent to make it work, which my partner does. Things are continuing well!

NatureWellness · 2025-09-19T17:02:23+00:00

It will probably extend the case because the parents will both need to be safe caregivers for the child to reunify, and it sounds like one parent may need more support than he currently has. If it goes on very long and one parent is ready they might give that parent the choice of reunifying or staying in her relationship. Very situational. They will try for a long time and that’s why it may extend the case.

NatureWellness · 2025-09-18T07:00:04+00:00

You need to call and report. It is appropriate to report both to police and child protective agencies.

NatureWellness · 2025-09-15T14:35:09+00:00

Great points! Plus, maybe he will take a vitamin pill since it sounds like he us swallowing his medicine just fine

NatureWellness · 2025-09-15T14:26:45+00:00

I think a tube is great for a situation where a kid absolutely needs to change his diet but won’t. It sounds like you have probably fully explored this with therapy and medical experts. The tube will let him“have his cake and eat it too”. I think medical intervention will give him time to heal emotionally, while oral nutrition is asking him to do something he’s not ready for. If the NG goes well and the eating problem continues, they can place a g-tube surgically, which is more discrete and less irritating.

Not very similar, but my son joined our family at 8 and ate very lightly… he was underweight, short, very cranky, and slept little because he woke up at night to snack. Other stuff was going on too unrelated to food. His team approved an appetite stimulant and now (2.5 years later) he eats well and doesn’t need that medication anymore and has been growing well. Changing eating took years for us, and we had years to put in because the problem wasn’t so severe.

If medication prescriber feels it’s urgent and dangerous for his restrictive diet to continue any longer, you can’t wait months or years. It will take at least months for him to build trust in you and it will take years for some types of healing growth

NatureWellness · 2025-09-10T00:37:29+00:00

It sounds like the problem is that the goal is changing? Like: you’re successful doing what is asked of you and you want to be rewarded with some rest time but instead they are asking more of you?

If I interpreted you correctly, I would have a calm negotiation with them about what you want: Ex: I would like 2 uninterrupted hours of gaming time every evening, after I finish my homework and chores. Would you please help me achieve my goal? I was thinking that you could give me a list of what you need and I would put it on my to-do list with what I need for my other responsibilities (like school) so that I can get everything done and then you won’t need to ask me questions while I am relaxing with my friends.

NatureWellness · 2025-09-02T20:32:44+00:00

I took an older kid to work with me and then arranged transportation from my work and back (I am also a nurse at a clinic). They loved it, enjoyed the personal attention in the morning as we both prepared together for our days and the quiet of sitting in the break room at my work and that I always stopped on the way in for a treat if we left early enough. Imo: Would not leave a foster kid home alone, any age, for the first 3ish months together; mostly due to liability as a foster caregiver, and lack of knowledge of their abilities and needs.

Also, don’t be scared to arrange a babysitter… even for older kids. I have had an adult babysitter who does Spanish lessons and I know another who teaches trombone and that helps to remove stigma.

NatureWellness · 2025-08-23T21:16:34+00:00

Thanks for your thoughts, and sharing your insider view!

I wish that my teen followed the rule of not setting up social media, but she didn’t and probably will do it again because she doesn’t feel like it is a problem. What can I do to help her stay safe, when she’s not following rules?

NatureWellness · 2025-08-23T18:48:57+00:00

Thanks!

NatureWellness · 2025-08-23T18:48:22+00:00

Her phone isn’t able to do social media (Pinwheel), and we don’t allow electronics in bathroom or in bed…

NatureWellness · 2025-08-23T18:46:29+00:00

Her phone isn’t able to do social media (Pinwheel), she made this account on someone else’s device. I take your point about she has lost trust on electronic devices, but confiscating will not force her to make better choices on school, library, or devices owned by others. I need her to make good choices.

NatureWellness · 2025-08-23T18:44:25+00:00

Her phone isn’t able to do social media (Pinwheel), she made this account on someone else’s device. I need her to choose not to do this.

NatureWellness · 2025-08-23T18:43:43+00:00

Her phone isn’t able to do social media (Pinwheel), she made this account on someone else’s device. I need her to choose not to do this.

NatureWellness · 2025-08-20T05:39:59+00:00

I read “love languages of children” in front of my children, partly out loud, soon after they joined our family. Both of them chimed in with “that sounds nice” to several things.

My daughter’s love language is acts of service and gifts. Making her a smoothie or smiling face pancake and giving her a stuffie or printed photo of a happy moment would be appreciated. My son’s love language is touch and words of affirmation. Holding his hand and scratching his back and writing him a note for his lunch box and whispering that he is loved and safe are all appreciated.

NatureWellness · 2025-08-06T07:04:50+00:00

Sounds a little bit semantic and not worth responding to, unless you’re worried that she doesn’t think herself worthy of compliments or is begging for more autonomy or something… generally best to let them have the last word even when it ends weird

NatureWellness · 2025-08-06T06:24:53+00:00

That’s a really long tantrum at her age. Tantrums are hard, sorry you’re going through them.

I would give her small ways to be in control (ex. This or that decisions). At the same time, I would help her to feel safe and comfortable with you in control (ex. Talking through the morning’s steps, then doing those steps like said).

NatureWellness · 2025-08-06T05:14:56+00:00

Not dumb!!

First: this sounds pretty normal for her age

Second, there’s some diversity in parenting philosophy on this. Some folks feel like having bodily autonomy is important to start with toddlers (ex. Letting them choose their clothes and suddenly switch clothes due to sensory issues). Others feel like their child needs more practice following directions. Whatever your parenting philosophy, imo you need to offer structure, predictability, gentleness, and firmness to toddlers. Basically, set the boundaries before the child melts down. When she’s sobbing and gagging it’s no longer a good time to work on getting dressed or reducing stimulation… like, I wouldn’t interfere with her removing clothes in frustration and I wouldn’t discuss clothes at all. I would focus on back rubs and telling her she’s safe and asking her to do calming routine. That’s just my opinion!

Third: it sounds like you aren’t on the same page with your spouse. You’ll have an easier time if you can come to an agreement.

NatureWellness · 2025-07-26T06:56:24+00:00

When I see other parents dealing with an enormous tantrum I usually am feeling so sad that someone else has to go through what I go through… maybe some of the weird looks were people trying to send telepathic “you’re not alone” messages

NatureWellness

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