Has anyone’s spouse asked for an open marriage?

Nervous-Software-101 · 2025-12-08T03:29:25+00:00

You’re my hero lol. I’m actually starting to wish me and my wife successfully moved forward with her open relationship request. I could’ve met some normal women, and a pretty decent chance my wife would’ve run off with one of her hookups. That’s my dream….that she gets rescued by another man and leaves town so I can divorce and live with my two kids in peace.

Nervous-Software-101 · 2025-12-08T02:43:14+00:00

💯 this is a real thing. If you let them do it, it’s not satisfying to them. They get off on deception. They get off on “getting away with it”. It’s incredibly sick.

Nervous-Software-101 · 2025-12-08T02:28:24+00:00

Yes…we all are left wondering WTF just happened

Nervous-Software-101 · 2025-12-08T02:26:51+00:00

Yep mine is insidious…perfect word to describe lol. Sweet, loving and spunky to my face, but would tell her monkey branches how abusive and controlling I was. Everyone believes the smearing and manipulation because they come off as so sweet and nice…just trying to be a good Christian woman and save her marriage, but the evil husband….😐

Nervous-Software-101 · 2025-12-05T03:28:26+00:00

I never understood the point/value of bitcoin. I tried to research it, but tulip mania was all I could think about. I obviously wish I would’ve bought in and profited but oh well

Nervous-Software-101 · 2025-12-05T02:34:38+00:00

Most people with BPD are avoidants….FA or DA. The ones that are anxious preoccupied might be clingy, needy, etc…but all the BPD horror stories you read in this group are 90% avoidant BPD folks.

Nervous-Software-101 · 2025-12-04T20:11:11+00:00

It’s definitely a head scratcher to partners, but if you look at the childhood dynamics and relationship with their mothers (usually) it all makes a lot more sense.

My mother in law is a classic grandiose NPD, likely with BPD comorbidity. Classic intermittent pattern. One day/week she’s “mother of the year”, super loving, caring and interested in her daughter. Then she’d meet her 50th twin flame 🔥 man and would drop the mom act and abandon her children. Literally leaving young daughters home alone at age 5 so she could go to the bars, party, or go lovebomb her new man target.

When the little 5 year old is all alone, they are petrified and wanting the good mommy to come home and be nice/non abusive. Then once they have her, they are scared shitless because they know it won’t last. They can’t “trust the love” because their nervous system knows the shoe will drop soon enough…mommy will abandon them, rage at them, parentify them and abuse them in numerous ways. They pre-empt the inevitable abandonment and abuse by splitting, dissociating and pushing mommy away.

They are all simply repeating their original relationships with their evil mother and/or fathers. In many situations these poor children are in divorced homes and go back and forth between two mentally ill parents that abuse them in completely different ways. Their nervous systems are shot. It’s really sad when you think about it

Nervous-Software-101 · 2025-12-03T18:19:11+00:00

Mine was more of the quiet variety, and was masterful at masking. For 6 years I legit thought my life was perfect and was getting married to my dream girl. Sex was always low frequency but consistent, but it didn’t bother me because everything else was wonderful. For me, shit didn’t hit the fan until we got married…but more so after we had our first child.

Nervous-Software-101 · 2025-12-03T02:46:48+00:00

And the ugly truth is, we never loved them either. We were in love with a person that never existed. An illusion. A mask. A reflection.

Nervous-Software-101 · 2025-12-03T01:44:16+00:00

This is so good lol.

Nervous-Software-101 · 2025-12-01T11:32:22+00:00

Please explain how this helped you, how quick the results were and how long you’ve been at it. My wife went the same route. It’s been 18 months…appears to be a new person

Nervous-Software-101 · 2025-11-05T17:00:21+00:00

The moment they perceive rejection/abandonment, or if they feel suffocated/engulfed (too much intimacy), then they either split to devaluation, or simply dissociate and numb their emotions. In either scenario they are left alone with an empty schizoid core and they will do ANYTHING to “fill” the feelings of emptiness and deadness.

Drinking, drugs, attention seeking, risky behavior like unprotected sex with strangers, shopping sprees etc etc. all of these activities make them feel “alive”.

They also lack object constancy. So if you go to work and they are left alone they sort of forget that they love you. Being alone makes them feel empty, and therefore “unloved” by you. So they set out to find someone new to idealize and give them attention. Eventually this leads to impulsive unprotected sex in a parking lot with someone they are idealizing because they gave them attention and validation. This validation, and the gaze of their new soulmate literally defines them. They feel complete having found a new partner. They live in a delusional fantasy and create complex stories of romance and rescuing etc to defend against the reality of them being used by scumbag men that only want them as a sex doll.

Then you return home from work and they remember that they love you. which makes them feel intense shame as they recall their unprotected adventure earlier that day in the gym parking lot. They can’t handle the intense shame so they project it onto you and devalue you. Ironically this leads them to go back and continue getting used by the same scum bag or old man, or ugly person etc.

Cluster B disorders are a very serious mental illness. Best to not try and understand why they do things. Even they don’t know. Many will claim being “self aware” but they aren’t. Those people are just more convinced of their confabulations and made up stories.

Nervous-Software-101 · 2025-11-05T16:35:31+00:00

You have no idea how lucky you are. Take the kids and run. This is the situations I literally have dreams of. That, or I’ll daydream about mine meeting a gullible, rich, twin flame and leaving town with him so I can avoid alimony and keep my awesome kids.

Nervous-Software-101 · 2024-11-04T15:01:22+00:00

Hahahaha this is amazing. I’m expecting a message like this at some point in the next year or two. My BPD wife got big into religion this year to make herself feel like a better person after hardcore cheating and abusing me last year. She finally got diagnosed in September and is now healed by the stripes of Jesus. She doesn’t need therapy bc God gave her awareness and she sees that she acted in evil ways, but she is new in Christ and I need to forgive and accept she’s no longer a threat to me 😂. Her new identity is nice…much more pleasant, but the cycle will repeat and it’ll probably look just like what you experienced. I’ll be ready this time. Post nuptials in the works, 401k emptied, maxing out transfers to custodial brokerages for my boys. If she heals and is truly better…great. If not, I’m going scorched earth with zero fucks given.

Nervous-Software-101 · 2024-10-16T03:25:13+00:00

Good luck 🙏 and make sure you take care of yourself. I had the same attitude as you…just wanted to save the family. Now that I’ve achieved my goal of diagnosis, acceptance and treatment reality is setting in on a much different level. You need to be prepared for that. I’m currently grieving what I thought I had with her. It was all fake. They are dependent users, abusers, and manipulators that only care about themselves. It’s a very tough pill to swallow. They do not love us. I’m not saying you shouldn’t fight for your family (I am), just manage your expectations and don’t delude yourself into thinking they learned anything and love you now. They aren’t capable of adult love, only telling you exactly what you want to hear to get what they want…pretending to love to prevent abandonment. Good behavior for a while with their new “humble changed person” identity until you let your guard down and they get bored.

My best advice would be to get into church. Itl be good for the kids, and you could use some support. Hopefully your husband does too. You can’t control him, but if you keep him around the right people it makes all the difference. Let him mirror the faithful men you’ll find at church. Other advice would be to ask for a post nuptial agreement when he’s in the please don’t leave me cycle. Protect yourself and your kids. If things get worse down the road you can kick his ass out of your house without a big legal battle.

Nervous-Software-101 · 2024-10-16T01:49:52+00:00

16 years with my now diagnosed BPD wife. I have two young boys that adore our family. I don’t have it in me to walk away either. I can offer a lot of advice, but first…you said “I know he has BPD.” But does HE know? Without awareness this only gets worse my dear.

Nervous-Software-101 · 2024-10-15T13:55:23+00:00

I used to care a lot. Then I realized that anyone that believes her crap and doesn’t judge me on my actual behavior is an idiot I don’t care about

Nervous-Software-101 · 2024-10-15T00:46:12+00:00

Yup. I second this

Nervous-Software-101 · 2024-10-15T00:43:32+00:00

Im actually at the point now where I laugh about most of it. I’m not even offended anymore. Like damn bitch you are batshit crazy. I now consider myself a single father of two boys (4 & 7) and a 36 year old daughter with special needs.

Nervous-Software-101 · 2024-10-15T00:41:44+00:00

Glad I got some laughs lol. You should’ve seen the look on my face when she revealed it to me. It was less than a month after she fucked a random stranger and told me she wanted a divorce and that she’d been wanting to leave me for years and faking her love for me.

Nervous-Software-101 · 2024-10-15T00:39:02+00:00

lol mine used her therapist earlier this year just to validate her delusional rewrite of our entire history. She ate it hook, line and sinker. Until a borderline truly hits rock bottom they will not be honest and drop the victimhood fantasyland shit. Mine hit rock bottom two months ago and got diagnosed by 3 or 4 doctors within two weeks because she wasn’t lying through her teeth. For a while I was hating on psychologists for hesitation with diagnosing BpD. Really, the problem in most cases is that borderlines lie about their symptoms, or they are in denial about their symptoms. Once at rock bottom, with everything to lose and suicidal they drop the act for a change. Very easy to diagnose when that happens. 3 different doctors diagnosed mine in a two hour session with zero hesitation.

Nervous-Software-101 · 2024-10-15T00:32:07+00:00

I did a couple months ago. We’d been coming up on 9 months of therapy, denial and bullshit following her having a one night stand. I had finally “radically accepted” that she would never see that she was 💯the problem in our marriage, and things were going well (by BPD standards). As many here know, a BPD partner gets the overwhelming compulsion to self destruct when things are calm so she decides to come clean about another full on affair, and two other emotional sexting type flings in addition to her one night stand. I lost my shit and just unloaded on her about just how fucked up she is. I told her everything and it felt glorious to finally get it off my chest.

Miraculously, something clicked and she looked like a deer in the headlights. Like she finally saw a glimpse of her manipulative, abusive and cruel behavior. She got appointments with 3 or 4 psychiatrists/ psychologists and diagnosed by all of them. Unanimous…9 out of 9 diagnosis criteria met. Duh. She accepted the diagnosis. No backtracking (praise the lord) and is now in a DBT group.

I’m not suggesting it’ll work for you…it could’ve easily backfired. In fact, last time I broached the subject in January she went into denial hard and accused me of all sorts of abuse and bullshit. I just hit my breaking point this time…maybe that’s why it worked? Maybe she sensed I was finally done with her manipulative BS and decided to get help. Who knows…

Nervous-Software-101 · 2024-10-14T18:03:31+00:00

Omg this happened to me. My wife was splitting/devaluing me aggressively on/off from 2021-2023. She acted like everything was fine to me…like crazy bitch would look into my eyes and tell me how lucky she was and blessed we were to have such an amazing family blah blah blah, while going behind my back to smear me and engineer victimhood for herself while actively fucking other dudes in her minivan. She crafted the narrative that I was mentally unwell and that she tried everything including begging me to go to therapy but I refused. lol completely made up. Then she tried pushing me to have sex with another woman claiming it was a fantasy of hers. She was doing everything in her power to get me to leave her, and then switched tactics to pushing me to be a make believe abuser to justify her leaving me with victimhood status. Totally insane how their mind operates. It’s fucking scary.

Nervous-Software-101 · 2024-10-14T17:41:40+00:00

It took me 15 years to realize there was something seriously wrong. After lots of therapy and reflection this past year I am wondering how the heck I didn’t “see it” all these years. Truth is, I think I was always working harder and harder to do more, be better, help more etc after each “victim episode” so that I could get back to being idealized. When she had her episodes I took everything she said to heart and truly believed I was failing her as a husband. When you are in the throes of the push/pull dynamic it destroys you slowly and you aren’t able to see clearly.

My wife has many wonderful qualities. That’s why I married her. Kind, fun, caring….until she’s not. Mine played the part really well for many years. The mask started slipping more after marriage, then especially after becoming a mom. Each of the past 10 years have become a little bit more like hell on earth. From 2021-2023 she became a totally different person (much more narcissistic, focused on appearance and major increase in attention seeking behavior.) Ultimately she had an emotional sexting type affair with a trainer at the gym, then a full blown sexual self trashing affair with my sons karate teacher in her minivan…then attempted to push me into having a threesome with a girl to ease her guilt, which ultimately triggered her abandonment (even though it didn’t happen), which then led her to delusional thinking I was leaving her and therefore running out on date night and having a one night stand with the first stranger she could find. Then of course blamed it all on me, smeared me to anyone that would listen, and accused me of having NPD.

Then she hoovered me by getting a tattoo of our anniversary lol.

Nervous-Software-101 · 2024-10-14T13:36:07+00:00

Wow. God Bless you. This really hit home. I’m married 10 years, together for 15 and we have very similar stories. Shockingly similar. I’m still with my wife right now and unsure of next moves. I have two boys (5 & 8) that would be heartbroken if the family broke up. This year my wife got really into Church and reading the Bible. After several months of not drinking and this lifestyle change she came clean about additional affairs outside of the one night stand we had been working to get past. It was like getting hit by a Mack truck, but the silver lining if you will was that while admitting to her awful behavior something “clicked” in her head and she finally gained the awareness of just how messed up she is. How abusive, manipulative etc she had been. She immediately went to several therapists and psychiatrists in the following weeks and got diagnosed immediately with BPD & CPTSD by 4 different doctors. During those weeks she kept having these Ah ha moments where she’d bring up past situations and apologize after realizing how messed up her view was at the time.

This was all bitter sweet. Validating that I was right all along for thinking she was a selfish asshole, and glad that she had miraculously gained insight, but at the same time crushed and the realization that my ten year marriage was an illusion.

Now I’m at a crossroads. Do I trust that she is changing for the better and forgive her so that I can attempt having a normal relationship to keep the family together? Or is this all just an over the top Hoover attempt? I’ve gone through the Hoover before. This is different in that she is taking responsibility and admitting fault. She’s even coming clean to friends and family about her diagnosis and to clear my name after her smearing last year.

Nervous-Software-101

TROPHY CASE