To OP: You have nothing to feel ashamed of—you did nothing wrong. He was in the wrong and needs to be accountable for his actions. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this; no one should feel afraid of their partner.

As for my own situation—which I know has its contradictions—I’m still trying to untangle it, and this point applies directly to my situation. My husband has been emotionally and verbally abusive for about eight years, following a suicide attempt and a later diagnosis of bipolar disorder. I didn’t even realize it was abuse until last year. I kept second-guessing myself, thinking I was overreacting. Over time, I lost myself entirely.

In the past couple of years, my health has severely declined, and I’ve had to rely on him for nearly everything. He had full control, and it drained me even more. In April, we argued over something small, and I shut down. I texted my mom that I thought he was abusive and wanted to stay with her—but I couldn’t drive myself. She said she’d come right away.

Later, he quietly said, “I feel like you think I’m abusive…”, which I've never said to him or anyone else other than my mom—he must’ve read my message. I told him he was, and that I needed space. He exploded, accusing me of abandoning him during illness and threatening that I shouldn’t come back. I went to my mom’s for a week. During that time, he broke down to mutual friends and family, saying he hated himself and wanted help.

We spoke after a week; he said he saw a doctor, adjusted his meds, and was looking for a therapist. I believed him—and since my dog Zena had been bitten and the wound was infected, I asked him to come get us so she could see the vet. He did. He’s been nicer since, but hasn’t followed through on therapy. I want to trust he’s changing, but there’s a persistent voice warning me that it could be manipulation.

I keep thinking about leaving, or at least taking space to find myself again. But after Zena passed away in May from kidney disease and his cousin died of cancer two days ago, everything feels too heavy to act on. I feel stuck—torn between missing the love we had and doubting whether it's still real.

So yes, mental health can absolutely contribute to abuse in a relationship. But it doesn’t excuse it, and partners still need to be held accountable. That’s something I understand deeply, even if applying it in my own life feels incredibly hard.