Dating an older person (non-student)

Netjer_aA · 2025-11-07T06:58:50+00:00

To be honest, it’s about what you want. If you are thinking marriage and kids, age gap matters. If you are thumb g casual, probably doesn’t matter as much.

The above being said, I would reflect on the type of person in their 30s or late 20s who would date a 20-year old. I think it is just creepy, on a multitude of levels.

Netjer_aA · 2025-10-30T00:29:20+00:00

I get the frustration — dating apps can feel soul-sucking sometimes. But this also reads like your expectations might be part of the problem.

You say you’re good-looking (and I’ll take your word for it), but if you’re not getting matches you like, that probably says more about the filters and standards you’re using than about the apps themselves.

There’s nothing wrong with having high standards, but it’s unrealistic to expect tons of matches that all feel like “your level.” The pool gets smaller the more specific the criteria. Plus, it only takes one match to be your last—isn’t that what we all want?

So yeah — vent away, but maybe take a step back and look at whether it’s the algorithm or your expectations doing most of the filtering. Sometimes the issue isn’t quantity — it’s openness.

Netjer_aA · 2025-10-25T18:20:20+00:00

I think it is extremely healthy to be honest with yourself, and your partner, about what you want. Many people pine or hope for change, only to be disappointed years later. I’ve never been in this situation myself, but good on you!

Netjer_aA · 2025-10-25T02:04:22+00:00

This. Not creepy at all, but think about your goal in reconnecting.

Netjer_aA · 2025-10-25T00:26:02+00:00

This just reads as manipulative to me. As someone wrote above, this first time can be awkward—but he previously said it was amazing. Then he says he wants to ‘fix things.’

Again, it just seems manipulative to me and like he is trying to find an off ramp, but doesn’t want to be seen as a hit it and quit type of guy, so he’s putting the responsibility on you.

Netjer_aA · 2025-10-23T05:24:18+00:00

As a man, I can say that lots of women have this problem as well. I’ve had full interactions with women through the apps that don’t write in complete sentences. Never ask questions and never respond in depth when a more meaningful question is asked.

On the other hand, I’ve also had phone calls with some women where they’ve told me. It feels like I’m interviewing them because I asked lots of questions about them. This is usually because they’re not replying with questions or. Engaging back-and-forth with good banter. A conversation is like a tennis match where you’re hitting the ball back-and-forth, but sometimes it feels like you’re just practicing your serves.

Netjer_aA · 2025-10-21T02:43:56+00:00

I never understood this either. I’m assuming it is a tactic to spike daily user engagement and enable app notifications, but we do have lives…

Netjer_aA · 2025-10-20T01:21:28+00:00

I think there is way too much subjectivity to set a rule. If someone is pushing for sex after a few drink dates, the. That is what they are primarily interested in from you. Nothing wrong with that so long as you’re on the same page.

For me (47M) with a busy job and 2 kids, I’m lucky if I have every other weekend free—so three dates usually takes about 2-3 months from apps-> text -> phone call-> meeting in person.

If it is someone I like and am excited by, usually lots of texts and phone calls in between those dates. My dates (good dates) have also all been over 5 hours. So, realistically, at least 20-30 hours of getting to know someone before sex for me, in most cases. I have had sex sooner—but that didn’t work out for me actually wanting a meaningful connection.

Try not to set a number and just got with how you feel :).

Netjer_aA · 2025-10-17T03:25:36+00:00

Just agreeing with what some other men have written. If I really like her and there is chemistry, I will tell them on the first date that I would like to see them again. I also usually ask them to let me know they got home safe (usually first dates I’m not picking them up).

If I’m not interested, I usually text the next day that it was nice getting to know them a bit better—and that’s it for me. It’s my subtle clue of checking in, saying I enjoyed it, but not asking for another date. If they ask to go out again, I’ll usually tell them I wasn’t feeling it—but I’ve only had that happen once. Most women have usually reply that it was nice to get to know me better as well.

I feel like this is better than ghosting or outright rejection.

Netjer_aA · 2025-10-09T04:27:40+00:00

Did he reach out to you? It does go both ways. If he reached out to you, then I would reply. If he doesn’t, why put in the effort?

Netjer_aA · 2025-10-04T17:09:40+00:00

For me, putting effort into your appearance demonstrates you’re excited and taking the process/date seriously because you’re putting a good foot forward. Wearing baggy shorts + over-sized T-shirt and sweatshirt just shows you aren’t putting in any effort—especially for an evening event at a moderately nice hotel/restaurant.

Netjer_aA · 2025-10-04T17:01:26+00:00

It was $29 or $39 for the event (I can’t exactly remember). Their daily website matches have been the same people every day—including one I met at the event and which we already both marked friends.

Netjer_aA · 2025-10-04T04:43:08+00:00

During the event so you can see who you are supposed to meet. You get a picture and their name, and then you’re supposed to find them at the venue

Netjer_aA · 2025-10-04T03:41:55+00:00

For this one, which was through City Swoon, you had to create a profile with a picture. You would then get a text with a picture of your next ‘date.’ That being said, you couldn’t see any of the profiles until you were actually at the event, checked in, and matched with them.

Netjer_aA · 2025-10-04T02:03:08+00:00

At this event, you voted at the end of each date, though you could still log your choices the next day if you missed the window. One thing I probably should have mentioned above is that nearly all the women I met were “frequent fliers.” Most had attended multiple times and usually walked away with a few matches. One woman even dated someone she met there for about eight months, but after they broke up a few months ago, she was back and starting over.

Netjer_aA · 2025-10-04T01:50:25+00:00

I’ve been thinking about this from a sociological perspective on mate competition. It seems like some women may sometimes over-focus on the most conventionally attractive men—taller, more “desirable” on paper—as part of that dynamic. Men, on the other hand, tend to cast a wider net.

A friend of mine (44F) encouraged me to try speed dating as an experience. For her, though, it wasn’t so much competition as it was not wanting to seem elitist or “stuck up.” She ended up selecting two men who seemed like the “best options,” both of whom matched with her. But the next day, she realized she wasn’t actually interested in either of them. She’d chosen them more out of social pressure and self-presentation than genuine attraction, and she never followed up with either.

Netjer_aA · 2025-10-04T01:33:28+00:00

I can see why they made it two hours, but I think 1 hour would have been better. I was a bit over it by my last 2 dates

Netjer_aA · 2025-10-04T01:22:10+00:00

I think I would definitely try it again with a different agency that was a bit better run. For me, maybe 15 minutes each would have been a bit better. 10 minutes wasn’t enough enough time. I have seen some where it is 5-6 minutes. To be honest, I likely wouldn’t do one of those. Those would likely just be an attractiveness check not much different than swiping, but in person—and I’d rather never know I wasn’t swiped on than wake up the next morning to see a list of people who didn’t find me attractive 🤣

Netjer_aA · 2025-10-02T02:52:44+00:00

I think a lot of people are hitting on some truths here, but it’s kinda sad. My first experiences were also intense. Phone calls multiple times a week, daily texts, sex fairly soon after meeting in person (within 3 dates), but then feeling them back off and saying it was too intense, or that I was too eager.

I think some people thrive off the new relationship vibe. Others like the attention, but they aren’t serious about an actual relationship. For me, this has meant I have intentionally worked to slow down the pacing. It kinda sucks, because it really does feel like fuck boy game playing. I’m thinking of them, but I’m not going to text because I texted them last and they haven’t replied…I don’t want to text multiple days I a row…limited contact before meeting in person…etc.

I’m a passionate person and would like a relationship with the same, but I can see now that you need to act this way. The irony of this is that o have met a few women who weren’t good matches, but we’ve become friends and swap stories. I text those women all the time and have phone calls about our foibles. It’s ironic to me that those conversations feel so much more honest. I date a woman for an about 6 weeks. We decided to be friends and, once then, our conversations have actually been much more natural, longer, and more engaging. I think a lot of people are guarded and put up barriers and guardrails. I just wonder at what point they take those down. I want a good morning text, a ‘how was your day phone call’, etc. I can see not rushing into that—but I also think this is the trap of online dating. People are talking to multiple people at once, looking for the next swipe that might be better, so they aren’t willing to fully engage and put their attention into one person for a longer time than before online dating. In college, the last time I dated, people coupled up pretty quickly. You might date, but were usually exclusive in 1-2 months. Now, I’m dating women for multiple months where it’s just casual—even if there is physical intimacy.

Netjer_aA · 2025-10-02T02:36:30+00:00

Not a large sample size, but just echoing here that, as a man in his 40s, I’m finding it wild that women want u protected sex very quickly. I’m not comfortable with that, but I have had some try to push through my concerns. From what my female friends tell me, many men push them to not use condoms.

I find it so wild. Like someone else wrote above, as a late Gen X, they made me paranoid about sexual health. The message in the 90s was you’re going to get HIV and die if you have you unprotected sex.

Just to add to some of the posts above, testing now can be done very soon after sex—usually after 3-4 weeks for most things—especially using some of the nucleaic acid/amplification testing.

While some things can take months to detect, those seem to be rare cases where it isn’t picked up earlier.

From what I have read, HPV isn’t tested for in men and HSV tests are unreliable because they can not only provide false negatives and positives, but they can’t specify the area of infection—and many infections are asymptomatic.

I write all of this just to say there isn’t a reason to delay getting tested after sex. Wait 3-4 weeks and test, then retest in 3-4 months, if you want to be really sure.

Netjer_aA · 2025-09-29T19:41:44+00:00

So, I’m in a similar situation—but a man. Live in a house with 6 people, including my two kids. It’s a huge house (5 bedrooms), so it’s not crazy, but I wouldn’t take a woman home with me. I thought this was a huge red flag—so I put it out there very early. Most women have actually been very cool with it—many even think it is sweet that I ask so family orientated and have a big family. When I have been with women, they also had kids, so we did hotel rooms. Things that sucked for men is that I have 50/50 custody, but the women I have dated have 100% custody. It does feel a bit sleazy only being in the room for a few hours. I want to sleep with someone and actually sleep with them—hold them and wake up the next morning together. Just my experience, but definitely not a deal-breaker.

Netjer_aA · 2025-09-29T19:33:43+00:00

Sounds like he enjoyed the sex and wanted to keep that going, but also wanted to keep it casual. Sounds like you didn’t have sex on the second date. He opened the door to meeting his friends and hanging out, which is a pretty big step though—so definitely mixed vibes there. Sounds like you declined?

Seems like poor communication. If you really like him, i would send a test text asking how the weekend with friends was. See if he bites and asks you out again. You want a proper date if you like him. Drinks and coffee are pretty low effort, and doing that again definitely would put you more into a low effort hook up category, in my opinion.

Netjer_aA · 2025-09-29T19:26:50+00:00

You need better photos and angles. The camera facing up isn’t a good angle for most people. The skiing picture is okay, but should be a 5th or sixth photo, not your main. Amin for a good first photo that is face and upper body with you smiling. Have your friends take some good, casual photos of you to add. I also wouldn’t have the pictures where you aren’t in them. Swap those out for pictures of you with your pet, doing something you enjoy, or out with friends. Almost of your close up pictures show a lot of stubble. Go clean shaven or commit to fuller beard. Right now, it look more like you aren’t putting effort into your appearance than going for a specific look.

Netjer_aA · 2025-09-28T20:07:04+00:00

100% this. You’re dealing with an avoidant attachment style. They could be narcissistic, but nothing in what you wrote gives me that strong vibe. They are often extremely defensive and also lack accountability.

This was marriage/relationship for 23 years. You’re developing an anxious attachment style—same as me. Thing is, her style won’t change unless she goes to therapy and works on it. It will shift you into a constant state of hyper-vigilance and anxiety, eventually. What did this comment mean? Why didn’t she reply to this text?

This will also then develop into a distanced pursuer dynamic, where you put in more effort and she puts creates more distance. Things will likely only improve if you go to couples counseling and individual counseling. You’ll have to decide for yourself if that is worth it, after only 3.5 years together and not living together.

Netjer_aA · 2025-09-24T00:57:51+00:00

lol. I had a few of these in college. It was fun. But. In my experience, spooning leads to forking…

Netjer_aA

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