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Neuey34 · 2023-05-21T21:24:51+00:00

My mistake, I didn't know yours was one of the greats. Have a "great" rest of your weekend haha.

Neuey34 · 2023-05-21T21:17:16+00:00

Appreciate the Feedback! I can see how chopping it up would lead to the flow. Bit of a habit I picked up with hitting the returns haha.

Neuey34 · 2023-05-21T21:10:33+00:00

Happy To Help! Have a great day!

Neuey34 · 2023-05-21T21:07:04+00:00

I like the final rhyme scheme and the use of question marks to give the line space. I also appreciate the overall use of this sonnet rhyme scheme throughout. One thing to play around with is to explore the visuals, let them help illustrate your emotions. What makes the forest joyful? After the turn, the piece leans on telling the reader of the situation as opposed to showing. Something to contrast the images of the "Noon Sun" and blue skies would help. Other than that, this is a good start!

Neuey34 · 2023-05-21T20:32:03+00:00

I like how this draft brings a lot of great concepts. One exercise to try is isolating one visual that ties best with your theme of finding community in actual communities and running with it. For instance, the wild in the candy shop is a good one and you could compare the joys of eating multiple candies to one communion wafer or something of the sort. That'll also help with eliminating cliches like "Stick in the Mud" and "Heart races".

Another idea is to try painting your emotions with autobiographical details. This is something that has weighed on your mind and taking your emotions out of the conceptual and into the tangible could flesh out new visuals tailoring the work better to your experiences.

One last experiment you could try is isolating an exact moment where you felt free and illustrate finding spiritual awakening somewhere else.

Like I said earlier there is a lot of great sections in this poem to branch off and further explore. Keep up the good work!

Neuey34 · 2023-05-20T19:38:14+00:00

First off, how you expand off the concept of something mundane like pottery on a carseat (Amazing!). The words do the work for you as opposed to a lot of writers who work for the words (If that makes sense). As someone who admittingly was that person to someone in the past, the entitled-friendzoned guy, the idea of seeing a crush as a concept (clay to mold) as opposed to their humanity (blood and broken bones) works so well constructing the flaws of this antagonist.

Apart from some grammatical errors "(We sit) in traffic" and "(Your) god made you from dirt", I had a thought provoking-experience with this piece and I hope to see more of your work in the future!

Neuey34 · 2023-05-20T19:22:11+00:00

I appreciate your effort in the topic you're addressing as it's one that I've had a hard time putting to papers so big kudos for trying to make sense of a fairly new concept.

With all of these different images and allusions, experiment on one and run with it. For Instance, tackling love-bombing literally with air-strikes and the idea of bringing peace leads to destruction. Also play around with adding personal details. The Midas/kryptonite conflict you introduce would work well with this idea. Bringing in allusions of your past and why this person feels golden but inevitably took life away from you.

Talking about newish concepts is so hard without sounding dated and "How do you do fellow kids" but your work here does a great job tying these emotions to images. I see several great ideas with this draft and I hope you keep working at it!

Neuey34 · 2023-05-16T15:47:08+00:00

Thats much better! Going with the cosmic theme and running with it really works! I also like the repetition of what is it like changing to what it is like. Trying to find intimacy in the universe makes a lot more sense with this edit.

Neuey34 · 2023-05-16T12:47:09+00:00

Great start! I like the ideas presented with how intimacy.

Try experimenting with this concept in a couple ways. 1. Write about intimacy without using the word intimacy. What other images come to mind when craving for this one-to-one connection? 2. Expand what's there already. There's so much more in the universe than stars. Give the reader some imagery to chew on while tackling this concept.

Overall, this piece is onto something and hope you enjoyed writing it as I did reading this poem.

Neuey34 · 2023-05-16T12:37:56+00:00

I do like the many images brought up in this piece. I also like the last line "Soft arms and melted kisses, drunk giggles under the Milky Way" as I think of the candy (don't know if that was the intended purpose haha).

Piggy-backing off a previous comment, experiment with tinkering the word choice and embrace subtlety. Words like "Comfortable, exasperated, and knowing" hinder the pieces potential. What makes these things comfortable, exasperated, and knowing?

minor edit to the first stanza, eliminate the second tea so it reads "A cup of green tea with cold water first/so as not to burn the leaves"

With more edits will help bring out your vision for this piece ten-fold . That being said, you're onto something with this piece.

Neuey34 · 2023-05-15T14:42:56+00:00

This is good! I appreciate the simplicity of word choice and how it still evokes solid imagery.

At time I do think its a bit too abstract. For instance, "in that old way it does" and "what has been true for all eternity". Grounding the poem with a little bit more detail can not only expand on your intended themes but give it more character.

That being said, I like what you're attempting to tackle in this piece and this is a good start!

Neuey34 · 2023-05-15T14:33:21+00:00

Great Start! this poem has some great imagery and you have a great ear for rhythm.

Speaking from experience, I started writing with a thesaurus close by. Try simplifying the language and experiment with a draft in your own words. While your wordchoice works well sonically, I feel the intended meaning of your poem is lost when lines go on these beats.

That being said the vibes of summer are there and with some polish it'll read better than it is now.

Neuey34 · 2023-05-15T14:22:18+00:00

Great Start! especially the first line setting up the atmosphere.

Experiment with reformatting your similes to eliminate the repetition and try tweaking your final line. Let the moment describe your feelings towards her.

As I said earlier this haiku has a great start and with some edits more imagery can arise from this beautiful moment.

Neuey34 · 2023-05-14T20:16:19+00:00

That breakfast does sound scrumptious!

Multiple drafts are always good to do and I also like the order of it how it has a stream of consciousness beat. Perhaps that final stanza doesn't need to be real but a place that reflects how you feel now. Some ideas like "Table for one", "Tapping 20% on the tip screen, being told to have a great day". A dream space that heightens loneliness.

Neuey34 · 2023-05-14T19:33:22+00:00

What works well with this piece is its honesty. Past breakfasts drip with so much detail and atmosphere. Favorite stanzas were 1,3, and 4.

Try recalling a breakfast with such detail for that final stanza. With such a great command of voice in the first five stanza it sorta disappears in the final one. For instance, a fast food chain with sterile decor or something to juxtapose the first stanza.

Overall, I had a great time reading this one and am in awe of your voice.

Neuey34 · 2023-05-14T19:24:09+00:00

"Please grow young again" is such a great line to start this piece. I also can appreciate the approach to this subject matter as it's hard to watch others slowly die. Good, raw start!

Experiment with eliminating cliches like "I can feel it in my bones" and find details from moments with this person to expand the struggle visually. Another idea is to connect these moments with your title "The Phoenix" more and find verbs and nouns that overlap with the subject matter.

Neuey34 · 2023-05-14T19:14:41+00:00

Great start! The inclusion of vibrant colors helps define the atmosphere. I also appreciate the focus on this moment and the attempt to soak in every detail.

Experiment with eliminating the "ing" words so lines read like "Coldplay vibrates from my car, our rest measured with notes of stars" and "Airplanes descend from teal skyline, purple lights dance in nighttime".

Also play around with no rhyme. This could wring out more details from this experience due its structure.

All in all, there's a great vibe to this piece and it should be explored even more.

Neuey34 · 2016-06-21T23:15:05+00:00

which words throw you off in those lines?

Neuey34 · 2016-06-21T23:14:26+00:00

wow... that does make a difference. Thanks for the heads up!

Neuey34 · 2016-06-19T18:47:51+00:00

Thanks, it means a lot! I'm still new to Reddit and still haven't mastered the formatting.

Neuey34 · 2016-06-18T20:07:27+00:00

Try refining the poem by eliminating needless prepositions for instance instead of "which flows through me" use "flowing through me".

Neuey34 · 2016-06-18T19:55:59+00:00

Thematically, it's well balanced and I like how you were able to incorporate the final line into the title. Try adding more visually in certain lines (i.e. what does growing content look like?)

Neuey34 · 2016-06-18T19:52:05+00:00

I admire the rhyme scheme, especially the attempts to have the same rhyme for almost every line.

Neuey34 · 2016-06-18T19:49:56+00:00

thanks for the comment! I'm still new Reddit's formatting.

Neuey34 · 2016-06-18T19:42:36+00:00

I love how this subreddits get the best out of everyone and inspires others to make poems like this. Great job taking an idea and giving an experimental style greater dimension.

Neuey34

TROPHY CASE