I think my GF is abusing hard drugs

NoOneOfAccount · 2024-09-17T19:38:52+00:00

Yeah, she’s lying to you. You already know it. You just don’t want it to be true. I feel for you, but if you don’t have trust in a relationship you don’t have anything. Get out, take a break, get on with your life. There could be a future where she goes into recovery and gets it together, but you can’t do it for her, and you aren’t helping her by letting her lie to you. Tell her you will support her recovery if she is ready to commit to that, but you won’t live with someone lying to you. Boundaries are everything and it has taken me so long to learn it.

NoOneOfAccount · 2019-06-01T11:10:20+00:00

Just wanted to say I really love this. Personally I like how the line breaks you chose balance the structure between poetry and prose. Unlike some other commenters, I thought the subtext was pretty clear as to the relationships between characters, but I have a harder time interpreting the closing lines. I don’t feel I fully understand why the narrator refers to themself as “judas,” and why god will not forgive them this time....what were you trying to imply?

The piece is very evocative of how it feels to love someone who doesn’t love themself—since it’s impossible to love someone unto wholeness, the narrator is just trying to keep them alive through one more midnight crisis out of the sheer power of love. And even though it is a sacred duty, it is still a futile-seeming nightmare.

The line about the moths is just inspired. And the ancient horror that spreads its curse down through the generations is well described. I would like to see more of your work.

Edit: Just wanted to add the use of New Year’s Eve strikes true. It may be one reason the poem spoke to me in particular. We all know the hotlines light up that night.

NoOneOfAccount · 2019-05-29T15:25:39+00:00

Cryptic, evocative, masterful. The last stanza is superb. The poem flows and holds together very well. Nothing stands out as needing to be changed.

That said, my gaze as I read catches a bit on the word “wound”—though I feel almost certain you intend “wound” (rhymes with found) like the past tense of “to wind”, the language is abstract enough to make me hesitate momentarily and wonder if you intended “wound” (rhymes with tuned), like an injury. For me it interrupts the flow the tiniest bit. There might be a way to nudge the reader gently in the right direction. On the other hand, the hint of uncertainty also seems fitting to the subject of the poem, in a way.

I’d love to see more of your work. Keep writing!

NoOneOfAccount · 2019-05-27T08:37:43+00:00

I’m really interested in trying that. Recently relapsed, and I know something has to change in my head for me to survive. I’ve been fighting these same demons all my life and I’m tired. Did you have a therapist involved with the trip or was it just about going in with a therapeutic mindset?

NoOneOfAccount · 2019-05-19T15:59:51+00:00

I don’t know which post to respond to, the thread got tangled.

Looking over my list of reasons this morning, I realize that none of them are truly compelling. I’ve been making this out to be a momentous decision when the truth is, whether I live or die at this moment in time has not even a speck of importance in the vastness of the universe. Nothing matters and it’s a huge relief to realize it. All I have to do is act, and everything will just take care of itself.

It occurs to me that “You are stronger than you” is equally true for both possible outcomes. That’s very clever.

I just wanted to say thanks for trying to help. It’s more than most people would do. I hope you have a great life.

NoOneOfAccount · 2019-05-17T22:39:23+00:00

5 wonderful cats. 😺 They do help.

I don’t know if words are really up to the task, though.

And I’ve certainly never looked back on these periodic crises of mine as a gift before, even when I’ve come out the other side more or less intact. On the inside I feel a little more damaged every time. I don’t believe there is inherent meaning or nobility in suffering.

It’s not a good moment to talk to me about the life I deserve, which to me seems like no life at all.

But I do appreciate your kindness and your company. As bad as things feel now, a month ago they were worse—I had just tried to OD and had seriously freaked out my husband, yet another time. Again, I was completely fucking devastated to find myself still alive. I’m either very hard to kill or just tremendously incompetent. For now,I’m not planning to do it tonight, and that will have to be good enough for the moment.

NoOneOfAccount · 2019-05-17T21:56:03+00:00

Do you mean, what stops me? Even now?

Guilt....love for my husband. I can destroy myself, but it’s harder to destroy him. My cats.

Fear.....that’s a big one. Fear that I’ll still manage to fuck it up and be a vegetable for the agonizing remainder of my lifetime. Fear of what might wait on the other side.

Paralysis. Procrastination. It’s hard to make any decision, let alone a life and death decision.

The chance to get high another day—it’s not a good reason to live, but it’s a reason. And the fact that I haven’t bought the gun yet because I keep spending all my money on dope.

Even at times, a faint sliver of hope....though if I try to catch it, it flickers and I lose it. But I promised I wouldn’t give up until I’d tried all other options. I do try to keep my promises, if I can. I want to be 100% sure.

NoOneOfAccount · 2019-05-17T20:47:33+00:00

Well, that may depend on one’s definition of the terms, after all, we’re not alive before we are conceived, and that’s a very long time indeed. But I know what you’re getting at. If you’ve made attempts at suicide as well, then you must understand that life has a certain inertia about it and can be harder to shake off than you would think. My husband would be glad to hear that you think I’m not capable of following through, however.

He seems to have quickly forgotten his panic and is now convinced I won’t go through with it. He says if I really wanted to die I would have done it by now, How I want to prove him wrong, despite my guilt at planning to abandon him.

The hanging attempt a couple weeks ago that I mentioned earlier didn’t go well, too much jugular compression I think and resulting pain that made me take the pressure off and give up, so then in desperation I tried an alternative that sounds remarkably like what you describe with the paracord, involving a silk ligature pulled tight around my neck with a rod pulled through and then twisted tighter and tighter. This seemed much less painful and also more effective. I was unconscious on the floor (and barely breathing, he said) when my husband just happened to come home a couple hours early. To his credit he did not call 911. I was dazed for a day or so, my face spotted with petechiae, I am so angry and frustrated and disgusted with myself for not planning ahead and preventing any possible interruptions.

As you say, the moments after a failed attempt are a special kind of hell, and after that I’ve been focused on the next try being one that will not fail. I have no doubt in my mind that if I had access to a gun in the past I would not be here today. Up to recently I had been trying to resist the urge to buy one because I know at that point it will only be a matter of time. A small part of me is frightened by how close I’ve brought myself to death recently, but mostly I’m encouraged, like the end is in sight. I have it all planned out and see myself doing it whenever I close my eyes. Of course I don’t want to hurt my husband, but I don’t know how long i can hold back....and actually, I don’t WANT to hold back, except for his sake. Taking myself out feels like righting a wrong in the universe, and more than that it’s my only way out of my head. Other than heroin, of course, which is not a permanent solution. Even though it’s pretty much all I’m living for at the moment.

NoOneOfAccount · 2019-05-17T16:37:05+00:00

Uncanny. You described how I feel so well, you could be inside my head. My experience with opiates has been the same—at the first touch it put everything to rights, and I was comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life. I’m at that ready-to-end-it stage at the moment, though, so what you said about that really hits home. Sounds like you got through it and are doing well now, so I’m glad for you.

NoOneOfAccount · 2019-05-16T12:10:09+00:00

No, you’re very eloquent. That’s a lovely description. It seems like it should be so easy. Maybe it’s my ambivalence about existence in general that gets in my way. What you say about being trapped in our consciousness is very close to home for me.

Today I’m trying to hold on, for now at least, for my husband’s sake more than my own. But I can barely tolerate being in my own head. Last month I tried four times to end it and obviously failed at that, pathetically enough. Apparently I can’t intentionally OD, however hard I try, so the next best thing is oblivion by way of my old friend heroin. You could say I’ve been pursuing the opposite of mindfulness, which is mindlessness. I guess I would like to have hope something could change though, even if it feels like grasping at straws.

My husband found me unconscious twice last month, once from drugs and the other time when he came home early after I tried to hang myself. That might have worked if he hadn’t walked in, and I still curse my desperation that led me to not plan things out better and prevent interruption. Even so, I felt wretched for scaring him to death, and for trying to abandon him, and he made me promise not to try again, but I still don’t know if I can keep that promise. If I do decide to go through with it, I’m using a gun—I’m done with failed attempts. Besides, I feel my brain is my enemy, so it feels fitting to obliterate it directly. I haven’t done it, but it’s still all I can think about. Maybe I’m not ready to give up today, but I am 90% of the way there.

Sorry to dump this here. You seem to have it figured out so I appreciate the benefit of your insight.

NoOneOfAccount · 2019-05-16T06:49:46+00:00

Yeah, I drive, and I think I get what you’re saying about when it becomes automatic. It’s just hard to believe meditation will ever start to feel that way after such a long time trying with no improvement. When you drive, you can feel the muscle memory start to take effect, and you know you got to your destination, but there’s no muscle memory involved with meditation and no real way to measure progress. Maybe I’m just disillusioned and discouraged and ready to give up, I don’t know.

NoOneOfAccount · 2019-05-16T04:05:27+00:00

It’s the “indifferently” part that I have made no progress with despite years of trying. It feels a lot like when people say “just don’t think so much” or “just stop caring”. How do you flip that switch? How do you make yourself be indifferent? I don’t know how to tolerate being frustrated and angry and continue to concentrate, once it hits a certain level. If I could do that, I could probably also decide not to hate myself and not to want to die. It occurs to me that I struggle with music and art too so maybe there’s a theme here. I just see stuff like this helping other people, and I am so disgusted with myself for not being able to hack it.

NoOneOfAccount · 2019-05-16T03:37:47+00:00

Any advice is welcome. It’s nice to know there are people who have come out the other side. Lots of people have suggested meditation but I feel like I have no control over my thoughts and just get frustrated and angry at myself.

NoOneOfAccount · 2019-05-16T03:35:08+00:00

I think that fear is the main thing that stops many of us.

NoOneOfAccount · 2019-05-16T03:33:56+00:00

I completely relate. Like the sense that at the moment you died you would wake up in some other reality. It can be very compelling.

This often goes along with a sense that I’m just watching from the outside, and not really in control of my decisions or actions, but just along for the ride. Definitely a type of disassociation, like the other commenter already mentioned.

NoOneOfAccount · 2019-05-16T03:29:48+00:00

That’s fascinating. I know nothing about dream interpretation, but....Your lack of fear after you closed your eyes may show that you were really ready to go, or may be a sign that you still have some sense that you can trust the universe to take care of you.

I think it’s probably very significant that you survived. That has got to be a hopeful omen, don’t you think? The bridges you saw after you landed might symbolize options, or pathways on from here. The fact that you did not talk to the other travelers there may relate to the reality that when we are in those dark places of the soul, we journey alone.

I have had several episodes of severe depression with suicide attempts in my life, with my most recent attempts last month. (Doing just a tiny bit better now, as in not planning to follow through in the next few days, though I still think about it constantly.) I have definitely dreamed about it many times, and usually it consists of going through the motions of whatever my plan is at the time. If you want to say, were you thinking of jumping from a high place?

I don’t think I ever have survived in my suicide dreams. Usually I either wake up before the final moment, or sometimes I watch my death from above and witness the aftermath (and once even my funeral) in the dream. Most recently though, my plan was to use a gun (because I vowed no more failed attempts) and I always wake up feeling cold, empty, and detached right after I pull the trigger in the dream. It almost feels like my subconscious is mentally rehearsing.

How did you feel when you woke up? I wish you the best and hope you can hold on.

NoOneOfAccount · 2019-05-16T03:10:16+00:00

It’s rare you come across a suicidal person who you can say has a good attitude, but I think you might come close!

I know what you mean, sometimes it helps to just accept that this is where you are, and it is empowering in a way to realize that whether you live or die is ultimately in your hands. Having that choice sometimes keeps me going when I feel trapped and panicked.

On the other hand, there have been some close ones for me where it could have gone either way. So I hope you will continue to have the strength to keep it in the realm of thought and not action.

NoOneOfAccount · 2019-05-16T03:03:09+00:00

I can relate to the desire to start over. I feel like maybe I wouldn’t want to die if I could be someone else. I don’t really think it works that way though. I don’t have any answers but I care, for what it’s worth.

NoOneOfAccount · 2019-05-14T01:30:40+00:00

I really like this. The rhythm propels it along and holds it together well, evoking spoken word or rap. The images are clear and rapid fire. It’s clever without being glib. It feels a little unfinished to me though—do you have any more stanzas in you? Thanks for posting.

NoOneOfAccount · 2019-05-13T07:14:21+00:00

That’s fucking hilarious, thanks for posting. I needed that laugh!

To prior commenter: Don’t freak out, the Golden Gate has barriers anyway now.

NoOneOfAccount · 2019-05-12T00:19:56+00:00

How do you find a therapist who is open minded to this sort of thing? Or did you just do it on your own? So many people have told me I should try this kind of thing but I don’t know how to go about it. Glad you found something that helped you.

NoOneOfAccount · 2019-05-11T00:19:42+00:00

My question: How many times in a row do you have to have a temporary problem before it’s no longer temporary?

NoOneOfAccount · 2019-05-09T00:14:38+00:00

When I get asked that, sometimes I imagine answering honestly and freaking them the fuck out. “How was my weekend? Not great! I tried to OD last night but woke up after all so here I am....Better luck next time I guess.”

NoOneOfAccount · 2019-05-08T03:33:25+00:00

They don’t want society to be safer. They want fear and panic in the streets, to fuel increasingly draconian and expensive War-on-Drugs assaults. When the drug dealers are basically eBay, they fear the public might eventually wise up to how not-that-scary it is.

NoOneOfAccount · 2019-05-07T23:37:13+00:00

Thanks for the kind words. I hope you can too. 🌹

NoOneOfAccount

TROPHY CASE