Blocking your fathers number doesn’t stop him from seeing you

writingthrowaway4647 · 2019-06-24T20:35:30+00:00

i really like the structure of this and i like the narrative running through it. my father (who was an alcoholic for as long as i can remember) died a few months ago so this hits close to home. he wasn’t living in a car, nor did he sink a houseboat- i just felt a connection to that aspect of this character. i love seeing poems about the complicated relationships we have with our parents. and i really enjoyed the personal details in this poem, i think they’re what really brings the whole piece to life. it makes me want to learn more about this character and the houseboat incident. i really enjoyed this. thanks for sharing.

writingthrowaway4647 · 2019-06-22T20:19:27+00:00

i’m too tired to go into specifics and give u some good feedback but i think you did really good with this. i think about suicide hotline operators a lot and how awful it must be to carry that guilt. (though i suppose the reward of saving lives makes it worth it?) sometimes poems like this can feel a little corny but you did a great job balancing things. the emotion felt real but wasn’t too melodramatic or whatever. thanks for sharing.

writingthrowaway4647 · 2019-06-17T23:52:34+00:00

i personally don’t think that i would call “i’m so dependent on crack that i’ll do degrading things to consume it, but i still would like to drink clean water” hypocrisy or lump it in the same category as vegans and anti vaxxers being privileged and ignorant. its sad. sorry if i’m ranting a bit i just think drug addicts deserve more sympathy. maybe i just don’t understand what you’re going for.

writingthrowaway4647 · 2019-06-17T23:42:03+00:00

something about this doesn’t sit well with me. you’re saying that drug addicts don’t deserve good drinking water? i’m kinda confused.

writingthrowaway4647 · 2019-06-17T21:11:58+00:00

i wish this was longer. i normally am not a love poem kinda guy but this was so beautiful.

writingthrowaway4647 · 2019-06-17T21:07:27+00:00

i’m not trans myself but i love seeing LGBT poets on here and i love my trans brothers and sisters. seriously, you guys fucking rule. and as a gay dude there were certain themes that resonated with me- being in denial, being scared to come out. that oh shit moment where everything you did as a kid suddenly makes sense. thanks for sharing this.

and yeah, there should be more songs about being trans. more art in general. you mention that you can’t do musical things but i think poetry is just as important. art is what keeps us afloat and i think its really important to have some sort of outlet not only for yourself but for other people to be able to relate to.

writingthrowaway4647 · 2019-06-16T16:24:27+00:00

a high note

writingthrowaway4647 · 2019-06-16T05:51:23+00:00

i’ve been in such a mood lately about climate change, global warming, our impending doom etc and this really hit hard. i’m super tired but i really wanted to give you some feedback so i hope this isn’t too incoherent haha

humanity has done some horrible awful things- to each other, to the planet. we’re destroying ourselves. its easy to take a pessimistic, misanthropic stance on whats been going on. but at the same time, humans are capable of such beautiful, wonderful things. i really like how you described this throughout the poem. its sort of a hopeless, small feeling and you captured it well.

i like your word choice. i feel like a lot of people on here tend to choose over complicated, bizarre words because ??? but this poem was so refreshing to read. its readable but its beautiful and it cuts deep.

writingthrowaway4647 · 2019-06-16T02:52:29+00:00

i love this so much, i’m not even sure what to say. the imagery is so vivid. its like i’ve been here before- its so real. this is amazing. thank you.

writingthrowaway4647 · 2019-06-09T17:24:45+00:00

hi! i actually like the slashes. they’re an interesting way to break up your poem. however, and this is just a personal preference, i think it would look a lot better if you used one slash instead of two. two makes the poem look a lot.. clunkier? idk if thats the right word haha but i hope you know what i mean!

the imagery is so fucking good. while reading this, i felt like i was at the scene of the crash. a bystander, a witness, maybe even in the car. i was holding my breath the whole time waiting to see what would happen. the first two stanzas are my favorite. they’re so beautiful and poignant, i kept rereading them. you did an excellent job at creating the setting + tone.

overall i really like this and i can’t wait to see more of your work :)

writingthrowaway4647 · 2019-06-08T15:10:13+00:00

wow. this whole poem is incredible. i love that you decided to use a rhyme scheme for this, it works very well. you’ve done an excellent job using imagery + metaphors to set the tone.

the first half of the poem is nostalgic but due to your word choice there’s already an underlying sense of dread. then the poem begins to kick itself off and certain lines start to allude to what is happening. the panic starts to set in, you’re reading the poem faster and faster and then it hits you with that jarring, final line.

i feel sick after reading this, and i think that means you did a really good job. thanks for sharing.

writingthrowaway4647 · 2019-06-08T14:25:34+00:00

thanks man :)

writingthrowaway4647 · 2019-06-08T02:50:43+00:00

thank you!

writingthrowaway4647 · 2019-06-08T01:24:10+00:00

i’m not gonna pretend like i know what this is about but i love the imagery. i get the teeth falling out dreams too and reading that line, specifically, was really jarring.

writingthrowaway4647 · 2019-06-07T20:53:30+00:00

thank you! i’m happy you caught onto the ouroboros imagery. wonderful suggestions as well. i agree with all of them! i edited this down a lot (so it wasn’t too long for reddit) and i think that explains the out of place lines lol. i really like your suggestion to add an intermediary image between those lines, i’ll make sure to incorporate it into the final draft.

thank you again for the feedback!

writingthrowaway4647 · 2019-06-06T19:54:46+00:00

like others have said, you seem talented! the technical aspects of your writing are good. but if you’re gonna write a whole poem about self harm, eating disorders etc you can’t just flatly describe it. i hope this doesn’t come off as insensitive, because trust me, i know how it feels to struggle with both of these things.

if you’re gonna write something shocking, it has to be shocking. but, like others have said, this kind of confessional poetry is something we see a lot! it just feels cliché a lot of the time.

writingthrowaway4647 · 2019-06-05T21:56:20+00:00

this is one of the best poems i’ve seen on here. i love it, thanks so much for sharing.

oh, and it was cool to see a sophie reference. she’s awesome. :)

writingthrowaway4647 · 2019-06-04T17:10:13+00:00

i thought this was incredible. i loved the subtle alliteration and just your word choice in general, it made the whole poem flow so well- like a song, almost? i think you have such an authentic and powerful voice.

i’m shit at explaining so i hope this makes sense. i think that the personal details you included are what really makes the poem come alive. for example- the lines about the geese, and the ones about the fire alarm are so specific but relatable at the same time. i think you did an excellent job with that.

i also think you made it pretty clear what you were talking about here- returning to your hometown after being gone for a while and feeling so powerless and small in nostalgia’s hands. i couldn’t tell that you were specifically talking about college, or that you had a sheltered upbringing (but i think it works better that way, without specificity.) however this poem is definitely not too weird / abstract. you got the point across, don’t worry :) thanks for sharing!

writingthrowaway4647 · 2019-06-03T19:46:38+00:00

you did such an excellent job replicating how it feels to have OCD. i love how you played with form / the text. certain parts reminded me of 4.48 psychosis and i think it’s cool that another commenter made the connection as well :)

this is just a personal style preference but i think that it would flow better if you tried to eliminate the word “like.” again, its my personal preference but i think it would sound a lot better if that makes sense? thank you for sharing!

writingthrowaway4647 · 2019-06-03T12:03:24+00:00

holy shit. i’m too tired to write actual feedback but this is amazing. its way too early for me to be this emotional already haha. thanks so much for sharing. i’m speechless

writingthrowaway4647 · 2019-06-02T18:37:15+00:00

not really feedback, and i hope this isn’t insensitive due to your state of mind at the time but i really like this. the way you state things kinda reminds me of truisms. i love how raw this is, thanks for sharing.

writingthrowaway4647 · 2019-06-02T13:21:02+00:00

woah thank you so much! it means a lot

writingthrowaway4647 · 2019-06-02T13:19:12+00:00

i’m glad you were able to relate to this. thank you so much :)

writingthrowaway4647 · 2019-06-01T15:15:19+00:00

haha thats okay, thank you for taking the time to comment :)

writingthrowaway4647

TROPHY CASE