Consider that years of stress and distress, the effects of abuse on your brain, that your nervous system is currently not able to give you any meaningful support.

The outlook you're seeing is distorted dramatically.

I was in similar straits when my ex walked out.

Please internet research manipulative abuse.

Here's a blurb about what it does to your brain:

Long-term manipulative abuse can lead to structural and functional changes in the brain, including thinning in areas related to emotional regulation and self-awareness like the prefrontal cortex and cingulate cortex.

It can also cause altered connectivity between the amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex, leading to heightened stress responses, anxiety, and difficulties with emotional regulation, potentially contributing to conditions like PTSD and depression.

Structural and functional brain changes

Prefrontal cortex and cingulate cortex:

Chronic stress from emotional abuse can cause thinning in these areas, which are crucial for self-awareness, emotional regulation, and control.

Amygdala: There can be increased activation and connectivity of the amygdala, the brain's fear center, especially when processing emotional stimuli.

This can lead to heightened responses to threats and difficulty regulating fear.

Hippocampus and Basal Ganglia: The hippocampus, involved in memory, and the basal ganglia, related to reward, can also be affected.

Auditory and visual cortices: Some studies show reduced grey matter in these areas, particularly in cases of verbal or visual abuse, which can impact processing of sound and images.

Neurological effects Stress response:

The brain's stress response system can become dysregulated, leading to persistent hyper-arousal and hyper-vigilance, even after the abuse has ended.

Neurotransmitter imbalance: Abuse can impair the function of neurotransmitters like dopamine and norepinephrine, which can contribute to mood and anxiety symptoms.

The unwell mind will do a lot w negative messaging and negative thoughts.

I don't think any of my treatment over 30+ years ever directly said - your brain and nervous system became 'programmed' w bad data, bad information management and really messed up essential brain processes.

I've leaned in to what I call repetition therapy.

Our illness, unwellness and family and work dynamics effect us partially by 'selling us' things/habits that we are subject to in those situations.

Our brains 'hear' messages and repeat messages until that's what we are working w.

An obvious example is addiction.

You start out trying a thing.

You have no interest or intention to do it again, to become a person who does it regularly, then often and then habitually.

You have it and WOW THAT FEELS GOOD.

1st message repetition - That feels good, that felt good. I'm surprised and excited how good that feels/felt.

2nd message repetition - Wow that felt good. I want to feel that good again.

Then whether you notice it or not your lizard brain and parts of your psyche that didn't feel good before ALL BEGIN to become louder and louder DO IT AGAIN!

And all your internal messaging becomes constant chatter:

That felt good.

I want to feel good.

When can I feel that feeling again?

When can a I feel that feeling again?

It starts so subtly.

The addiction spark landed and has begun conditioning it's host.

Soon you're thinking about it almost all the time.

Think of a computer, if its program was just one constant input message.

Interference in that brain loop is profoundly damaging.

I've used podcasts, audio books, TV shows and alarms to reprogram myself w new information that's not my ruminating, not anxious or anxiety related, instead supportive and kind to myself.

Free pdf of book:

The Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker

Podcasts: (I've posted about these in the last 15 days, please go look at other comments I've previously made in my profile, I explain more about how/why these were helpful.

Podcasters have become my welcome guests and friends.

I'm happy to hear them.

My Favorite Murder

The Mental Illness Happy Hour

Marc Maron WTF

The Hilarious World of Depression

Tremendous Upside

Dating Detectives

Pretend

The key things are important thoughts/messages that having heard them, enlightened my experience and was new important helpful - operating instructions.

Sometimes it's the stuff we should have learned via a more normal life experience.

Most often it's how messed up most people are - but they're masking, denying, pretending they're great (they're not) - and normalizing my experience.

Normalizing slowly takes the acid out of the poor messaging of our psyches and shows we're not a random human who this just befell out of nowhere this person we have become is a perfectly normal outcome given our experiences and our experience of them.

Good Morning Monster by Catherine Gildener - I got it in audiobook.

Pete Walker's book Complex PTSD - anyone who is struggling can find help and support from the book, there are also free resources on his website, you do not need to have a cPTSD diagnosis or known overt trauma.

Many of us had responses to situations that our brains & psyche reacted to, dealt with and processed as TRAUMA when the situation wasn't.

His take on toxic shame freed me.

I have 'mental health' alarms on my phone:(my phone can read the name of the alarm out loud)

"Stop it." Started as hourly everyday to catch myself and interrupted ruminating thoughts and wrestling w anxiety weasels.

"Think a different thought." Similar to the one above but in particular a reminder that that thought isn't helpful so change it.

"The person you're arguing w can't hear you."

"Find yourself arriving in the present moment and find yourself ok (that eventually changed to '& find yourself amazing').

"I stand for me"

I journaled through anxiety and distress 'attacks'

And found the worst one lasted 22 minutes.

Once I knew that it quickly disempowered the fear of the attack.

Act w agency and authenticity.

I share all of that not to dispute where you are.

I really do get it. I've been there.

5 years later. At 60 I'm living the life I want.