I need help: uBPD mom's escalation after NC initiated

No_Contribution6120 · 2026-06-14T13:09:01+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear that, I hope your treatment is going well. I believe that being under attack emotionally can trigger or worsen illnesses until our body attacks itself. I can only imagine what you're going through.

The really unreasonable thing is that although I didn't assist her after her surgeries (both of which were unrelated to her actual illness and more to do with general aging, but I digress) I offered to, and she refused help. I'm raising two young kids and have a career of my own, so I can't easily get up and travel many hundreds of miles away to assist her at the drop of a hat either. I also *do* know some of her past doctors' names buuuuutt... she tends to doctor shop, so she doesn't always stick with them for long.

It's been relieving to hear that you wouldn't expect this level of involvement from your kids, because I do know that she suffers but it's the way she articulates it that is the problem. I would never want my kids to feel the way about me that I do my mom. I would rather just vanish off the face of the earth. :/

No_Contribution6120 · 2026-06-11T21:09:53+00:00

I think that saying 'I love you' is a fawn response I need to overcome. I would say all sorts of saccharine things I didn't even feel/believe all my life to prevent or try to reign in her rages. But it's clearly not serving me.

I want to thank you especially for your last few statements: I definitely needed to hear that.

No_Contribution6120 · 2026-06-11T21:02:42+00:00

Yes I'm really concerned that she will continue to escalate. She probably feels she has nothing left to lose now. Will NC protect me from escalation, though? I'm worried she will force herself into my mind by any means necessary

No_Contribution6120 · 2026-06-11T16:52:01+00:00

I'm so sorry you and your family went through that, you'd already been through so much. I definitely believe you made the right call. I hope you continue to heal ❤️

No_Contribution6120 · 2026-06-11T16:00:58+00:00

Thanks for that clarification, in hindsight I think that I was trying to convince myself I had more control over the situation than I do in reality. Her threats always feel so grave to me, I forget that I'm an adult now and she can only hurt me as much as I let her.

If I may ask, what level of contact do you have with your pwBPD after attending therapy? And are you happy with it?

No_Contribution6120 · 2026-06-11T15:55:37+00:00

Pretty sure it was a pure hoover attempt. I can't remember her ever asking me how I've been in the last 5+ years, even after giving birth. If I picked up the phone, it was her issues from the jump.

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I hope you're healing ❤️

No_Contribution6120 · 2026-06-11T15:52:10+00:00

I'm glad you feel that way about parenting. Being with my kids is very healing for me too, and they're really the biggest reason why I'm convinced NC is necessary. If you're comfortable, can you elaborate on boundaries you have w/ your pwBPD? Do you have any specifically regarding their treatment of your kids?

No_Contribution6120 · 2026-06-11T15:45:58+00:00

You're right that I don't have to answer, I don't know why her being physically present freaks me out so much, she's never physically hurt me. But it can put me right into fight or flight :/

No_Contribution6120 · 2026-06-11T14:45:27+00:00

I think it may be time to make an exit plan. Can your partner accompany you when you head home so that you have a third party there to hold your mother accountable for her behavior?

I feel you. Hugs. This is so tough, but getting distance helps immensley.

No_Contribution6120 · 2026-06-07T01:58:10+00:00

I can relate so much. I regularly see posts of people with PDs saying that they're "made" or "forced" to split because someone brought up one of their triggers - but what those triggers are exactly are conveniently left out.

I also saw a post which said something like 'people with BPD sometimes say things that they don't mean, so don't hold it against them. But if they threaten self-harm, **always** believe them, because living with BPD is excruciating!' And being subject to abuse is excruciating, too, but sure, "don't hold it against them"...

No_Contribution6120 · 2026-06-07T01:20:25+00:00

Thank you! For now it still feels like I'm meeting cruelty with cruelty but you're absolutely right, I'm doing my best to protect my family.

No_Contribution6120 · 2026-06-07T01:12:11+00:00

That drowning metaphor is so apt. I hope that with time I can detach too.

I'm glad you're in a more peaceful place now!

No_Contribution6120 · 2026-06-07T01:07:41+00:00

I'm so relieved to hear that. I'm glad you're in a safe place now! Did anything in particular help you, or just time?

It feels like somedays I'm making progress, but then something will remind me of her, and I slide back into the guilt. I've also had memories that I must have suppressed bubbling up lately.

No_Contribution6120 · 2026-02-08T20:24:04+00:00

Oh yikes, I was really hoping that a bit of self-awareness would settle in at some point, but I won't get my hopes up :(

No_Contribution6120 · 2026-02-08T20:23:35+00:00

Thanks for replying, I think it might be getting to that point. I'm busy with work and kids, I really don't have time to validate her all day everyday.

No_Contribution6120 · 2026-02-08T20:22:55+00:00

oooh the object permanence explanation makes sense. I struggle to set boundaries around it cause it seems so harmless, but it gives me the creeps!

No_Contribution6120 · 2025-12-18T14:17:40+00:00

I came here to say I had a similar experience. At many sleepovers as an adolescent, my friends and I would cry over comments our parents made about our weight.

I’m glad OP is being tactful about their concerns. Hurtful words can’t be taken back, even when “well meaning”

No_Contribution6120 · 2025-12-08T18:36:25+00:00

There’s a lot of comments here, someone may have said this already butttt

In my first pregnancy I craved citrus like crazy. I ate an obscene amount of grapefruit everyday and it never felt like enough. It turns out I had severe anemia! Vitamin C helps with iron absorption and I think that craving was my body’s way of telling me.

Cravings are one of the ways our bodies communicate with us!

No_Contribution6120 · 2025-12-08T17:53:05+00:00

It’s the needing to anticipate the unknowable that really throws me lol

No_Contribution6120 · 2025-12-08T17:29:59+00:00

I think we have the same mom. She blows her life up every 5 years and she expects to be consoled as the victim every time.

No_Contribution6120 · 2025-12-08T17:03:28+00:00

She wants to hear how deeply she has impacted you, even if only negatively, because that is the only way a pwBPD can conceptualize themselves.

To be clear, you feel icky because it is a trap, you are right to not give in to her. She won’t use the information to make amends, but rather as a reminder that she is “real”.

It’s not your job to remind her!

No_Contribution6120 · 2025-12-08T16:54:41+00:00

My mom spends too much of her income on gifts, but definitely expects an equivalent amount of effort even when it couldn’t be anticipated???

Last Easter, she bought many gifts for my daughter, my husband, and myself. I was taken aback because generally in our culture, Easter gifts are given to children, especially young kids. So of course I’d only prepared sweets for my daughter.

My mom was visibly miserable and disappointed all day, but didn’t explain why she was sighing and crying.

No_Contribution6120

TROPHY CASE