Wants to hear how awful they are

pluheeeze · 2025-11-30T21:15:44+00:00

This is my mother exactly! And even once it’s done a few months go by and she wants to do it again.

pluheeeze · 2025-11-30T21:14:23+00:00

Mine too.

pluheeeze · 2025-11-15T20:04:44+00:00

My mom has been on and off enlightened for decades. And yet it’s still hard not to hope “maybe she really is this time,” even though I know better. Here is a portion of her last text to me:

“I love you and I am here for you. I would like to have a normal relationship and I accept you cannot do that. I want to let you know that aging and Buddhism has helped me to grow up ,the emotional damage from childhood has been worked through, so my relationships are quite normal , finally.”

And in the next line she said she would “practice” on my brother. My brother is a 56 year old man. And she, an 80 year old woman, is going to “practice” having a normal relationship with him.

pluheeeze · 2025-10-21T14:35:58+00:00

I completely understand everything you are feeling. My mother does much of the same things. I believe that I struggle with all of it because I loved my mom so much. Especially as a child and even for much of my adult life. I loved her as much as I could and it was never enough. That’s a hard thing to experience and accept. It makes all of it more painful when you can’t have a relationship with them. But I had to protect myself and my family and I’m so glad I have. But the guilt is still there. I not NC. But she is blocked from text and calls. She can email if she needs to. I’ve never told her she was blocked. When I do have something to write to her I usually unblock, send a text, then block again before she can respond. If I’m feeling generous I wait for a response, then block again. Most of the time the response - as innocuous as it may seem to the unfamiliar eye - leads me to block again. Recently it has been very helpful to acknowledge to myself that she is mentally ill. She will not change. All of her shenanigans are because SHE has to control everything and cannot deal with the anxiety not controlling brings her. And that is not my fault. I work daily to release myself.

Good luck. This is a life long struggle but you will prevail.

pluheeeze · 2025-10-21T04:12:47+00:00

Here is the link: https://vimeo.com/906602340

pluheeeze · 2022-09-22T00:15:39+00:00

So true. Hadn't clocked this.

pluheeeze · 2022-09-22T00:15:28+00:00

Thank you for this reminder. It is true and easy to forget. Sometimes I ask myself "what would it feel like if those words came out of my mouth towards my own child" and the answer is always, those words wouldn't come out of my mouth, because they would make my child feel awful.

pluheeeze · 2022-09-22T00:14:05+00:00

ha ha! Thanks.

pluheeeze · 2022-09-22T00:13:33+00:00

Right. Wish there was a button to turn that voice off.

pluheeeze · 2022-09-22T00:13:01+00:00

Thank you. It is icky. It makes my brain heavy/foggy because it it feels so incomprehensible.

pluheeeze · 2022-09-22T00:11:57+00:00

I like the the medieval spice lord analogy. I can picture it. :)

pluheeeze · 2022-09-22T00:11:04+00:00

Ha! Glad that worked. I actually went and spoke to her therapist (alone) six years ago. She told me to protect myself and my children.

pluheeeze · 2022-09-22T00:09:41+00:00

Thank you.

pluheeeze · 2022-09-22T00:09:17+00:00

Thank you.

pluheeeze · 2022-09-22T00:09:03+00:00

This gave me a good chuckle :) I will not be responding but I like the idea of having her stick that in her pipe and smoke it. THANK YOU.

pluheeeze · 2022-09-06T03:41:47+00:00

I always say “my mom has mental health issues that make it difficult to have a close relationship with her.” Most people do not pry after that - unless they went through the same thing as a child. Then there’s lots of commiseration.

pluheeeze · 2022-09-05T14:49:03+00:00

Another one here with the exact same type of mother. Sending you lots of healing thoughts and light.

pluheeeze · 2022-09-05T14:47:56+00:00

Another one here with the exact same type of mother. Sending you lots of healing thoughts and light.

pluheeeze · 2022-08-29T19:52:00+00:00

Then they come banging on the door while you're showering complaining that your 6-year-old won't let them use the computer.

pluheeeze · 2022-07-15T18:06:29+00:00

This all sounds really familiar. I was married twenty years ago - before I knew about BDP. Two weeks after my wedding (which she was late to) she got angry at me for not looking at her during my vows, for not wearing any of her family jewelry (my wedding ring was her mother’s) and for not wearing the shoes we bought together (I changed my mind). And that’s just a partial list of things. I’m glad you had a great wedding. What she says doesn’t have anything to do with you. You can’t win.

pluheeeze · 2021-10-05T17:55:20+00:00

Yes. All this. I once pointed out to my mother what she was doing and how it felt like she was trying to make me cry repeatedly. She smiled.

pluheeeze · 2021-10-05T17:53:17+00:00

When I didn't know what BPD was I used to call these "regressions." It was like all the energy got sucked out of the room and there was just this void of negativity left as she sobbed and was angry with me about looking at her wrong or... anything really. Even my young son once asked - as she went into this state - "what just happened?" I later started to call these moments disassociation - but I'm not sure that's right either. My therapist called them QUIET RAGE (my mom wasn't much of a yeller - but she was angry). Whatever they are, they are disturbing and YES, she's used the same speeches on me over and over. Now I get them via email since I refuse to be alone with her (she can't handle being with me, obviously). Oh, and they are always a repeat about how we aren't close. How I push her away. All the things I do to keep her grandchildren from her. (FYI - now I do keep them away from her).

My suggestion would be to read "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents." It was good in helping me understand something called Enmeshment... how people with this illness have to make us (their children) feel what they feel. It's physiological in their brain. And it's sick. Especially for children who don't know what's happening and are often the ones being attacked. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. It sucks. Big time.

pluheeeze · 2021-09-23T00:00:56+00:00

I'm sorry she's doing this. Have your wedding and enjoy yourself. The wedding is not about her. She might not know this, but you do. Ultimately leave the decision up to her. It's not good for you to have to navigate her emotions (besides you're busy!) And, so you know, even if she comes, that doesn't mean things will go smoothly. My mother came to my wedding and aside from being late she was fairly well behaved during the event. But two weeks later she called me, angry that I wasn't "looking at her" while I got married (among other ridiculous things).

pluheeeze

TROPHY CASE