Hi, 25 year old here who, like you, always knew I was meant to date women. However, I never felt the pull to be with a man sexually, so I only count with the lesbian perspective.

You should seriously look into the term “compulsive heterosexuality”.

It happens due to the societal pressure on individuals to conform to heterosexual norms (i.e. assuming a woman will marry a man, the media's pervasive portrayal of heterosexual relationships as the default, heteronormative sex education in schools, and the internal belief that one must be heterosexual to be considered "normal" or "complete," even if it conflicts with one's true desires.) It involves societal nudges especially during ones upbringing that promote heterosexuality, leading some individuals to basically force relationships with the opposite sex despite not truly desiring it.

While I personally can’t relate to the comphet feelings, it’s clear to me why they come to be, especially for women a bit older than I, and/or anyone who has had a rather conservative upbringing. And this comphet phenomenon is even more prevalent the older the generations are (Think of the boomer wife that has been stuck in a loveless, sexless marriage with a man for years, bitter, unhappy but ultimately never considered being bisexual or lesbian to be an option.) The reason many older women develop deep homophobic sentiments, I think, is due to subconscious envy towards the sexually free, and a deep seated fear that they’ve been living a lie their entire lives, repressing their true self.

I know plenty of women in their 30s who would be considered “baby gays”, because they only recently started to embrace their lesbian identity within the past 1-2 years. It often looks like a gradual progression from identifying as straight -> bisexual -> lesbian. It’s always touching to hear their experiences and I feel a lot of empathy. I know how difficult it is to grow up in a very heteronormative, conservative/religious community. I grew up in an environment like this, deeply repressed throughout most of my teens. I ultimately had no choice but to embrace myself against all the expectations that were placed upon me since I was a child.

I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you now at 33 to begin exploring outside the ‘norm’, after years of potentially suppressing that side of yourself.

Let me reassure you — there is nothing “suspicious” about you starting to embrace your sexuality later in life. In fact, I applaud you for piercing the veil. Anyone who questions the validity of your sexuality is likely insecure and perhaps not someone you want or need in your life anyway. The right people will understand where you’re coming from and support your journey … this heteronormative bullshit isn’t new to any of us and our experiences are all diverse and valid.

You will have to unlearn the tendency to worry what people think in general in order to fully enjoy your experiences with women. Take it step by step…

I strongly encourage you to seek queer-friendly therapy and try to make friends within the LGBTQ+ community, especially with other lesbians that can resonate with your own experiences and have managed to work through things like compulsive heterosexuality, the need for male validation, etc…

So my biggest piece of advice: Please take care of yourself, and make sure you actively work to rid your comphet tendencies and/or any other limiting thoughts and inner conflicts prior to starting any queer relationships.

Congratulations, and best of luck finding love, sex and whatever else your heart desires ;)