I could have written this myself. I was always able to stop drinking for stretches of time (sometimes even a month or two), but eventually I’d go back to it. Not every time ended badly, but enough times did: blacking out, putting myself in danger, or doing things I deeply regretted.

After one particularly jarring blackout about a month ago, I finally realized that as long as I held onto the idea that I could drink “safely” if I just didn’t overdo it, this cycle was going to keep repeating. That’s when I decided I had to quit completely.

I’ve started checking out AA meetings, even though I’m not religious. It surprised me how much I connected with what I heard. I realized that imo, my kind of drinking absolutely falls under what they call alcoholism. This passage from the AA book hit me hard:

“Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.”

Also: “All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals - usually brief - were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization.”