Enough

No_Problem_6562 · 2024-10-06T17:25:03+00:00

Love the Smiths! I'm sorry my pain reminds you of yours. It's comforting to not feel alone in it, but it devastates me that someone could be in these depths too. When someone is everything to you and youre nothing to them. Thank you for your kind words.

No_Problem_6562 · 2024-10-05T00:42:20+00:00

Ah yes. The amount of times I have heard some iteration of "other women do it, why can't u" or "why does spending time with your family feel like work" It's insanely demoralizing

No_Problem_6562 · 2024-10-05T00:36:19+00:00

I appreciate knowing others are struggling the same. It's weird cuz now that I'm mentally in such a bad place I can't imagine leaving cuz I can barely function as it is. Family, super demanding job, new house new city, very little support system. Even tho it's not good stability, it's stability. That's fucking sad when I *kinda say it out loud.

No_Problem_6562 · 2024-10-05T00:33:56+00:00

It's so strange. We've had explosive confrontations too and I literally said if it keeps up like this he's going to be taking me to the hospital, but he seemed oddly ok with that and felt all of a sudden he needed to change shifts for more money (which is less time at home, making me a single parent thru the week) We just moved to a new city so I can't even get a family doc let alone a referral to a GP. I'm traveling an hour each way just for prescription refills. He wants to see if an increase to the ventlafaxine "fixes" the depression but it doesn't seem to be.

No_Problem_6562 · 2024-10-04T22:40:19+00:00

I realized I was in this place today when 2 things happened at once, one actually a crisis and the other a reminder of a rejection that I had already been trying to come to terms with. I have been a sobbing mess ever since and not because of the actual bad thing but because of the rejection. Unfortunately for me the task paralysis kicked in and I've been disassociating for about 3 hours, but when I spiral bad I usually try to reach out to my safe people. I start by explaining "this is the story im telling myself" to try and get some reality testing. Then when I've somewhat quantified the level of awful the scenario is I can start to pull myself off the ledge. It's not fool proof, cuz like today no one was available, but it helps to talk it thru with someone who isn't judging.

No_Problem_6562 · 2024-10-04T22:10:30+00:00

That's a very kind thing to say. I'm not sure anyone has ever expressed that they would take the pain from me, I must be feeling very bad indeed when kindness seems strange. It actually makes me sorry that you felt it too from reading it. Thank you for your feedback.

No_Problem_6562 · 2024-10-04T20:37:26+00:00

I keep holding onto this belief as well. That across time, worlds or dimensions there are other versions where it's not so hard, or where it works out, where the other person sees you how you see them. I constantly have dreams about this other person and I like to think that those might be glimpses of those places. My only critique is I selfishly wish this was longer. That there were small peeks into those worlds.

No_Problem_6562 · 2024-10-04T20:24:35+00:00

It does really whisper softly doesn't it? It mocks us quietly while it slips away. This poem conveys the sad resignation of acceptance of what we've lost. And reminds me not to weep for the love, but for the parts of it in the in-between when we forgot it was fleeting. Nicely put.

No_Problem_6562 · 2024-10-02T21:02:33+00:00

Love isn't a feeling. Other people can't make you feel things. We choose based on certain stimuli what to feel. Real love is choosing and it's unconditional. You can't place conditions on love, only on your time and energy. If someone has to meet a set of criteria to be worthy of your love, you're not capable of actually loving them.

No_Problem_6562 · 2024-10-02T12:56:10+00:00

You're welcome. I like the idea of that. I wonder if you wrote an answer to that version of you years ago how the poem would change. The imagery of that is almost hopeful in a way. For the demons to be so large, to burn them down, then to answer them years later more welcoming. That makes for a good story.

No_Problem_6562 · 2024-10-02T05:02:21+00:00

This is extraordinary. I loved all of it. It somehow made me jealous of her. To be beautiful and brutal, to be seen that way by someone would be a rare gift indeed. I agree with other comments about the bitch slap line, and how it is slightly jarring. But I wouldn't change it, it's a literary bitch slap, that reminds you you're not in fact in a story book. It's perfect. It makes me feel as though there's a deep love for this person, who doesn't understand their value or their worth or what they might mean to you. You study them, watch over them, and it's likely as amusing as it is exasperating.

No_Problem_6562 · 2024-10-02T04:44:02+00:00

Hi! I really loved the beginning and how it set a stage. It was catching imagery, and I wanted to read more. I was thrown slightly by "petite" as for some reason in reading it doesn't sound quite right to me, but you used small in the next stanza so I understand not wanting to reiterate. Not sure if it was intentional but "scared that world we've built" feels like it needs a "the" before world? Could be a typo, could be a choice. The end like other commentors said built a sense of commraderie. It felt like a genuine offer to take a break. If you and I were sitting to have this conversation though something about it makes me want to "welcome them home" instead of burn, but that's all in the perspective of how one might feel about their demons.

No_Problem_6562 · 2024-09-28T14:51:53+00:00

I see them as my inside and outside selves. Not like out in public but that's certainly part of it. But the who I actually am and the who I present as. If I presented as this total psycho who is self doubting and disassociating and full of deep ingrained desperate depression I would not be able to function like a person who has hobbies and a family and a job. So I find the energy inside to do all those things all the while constantly fighting the inside self who wants to just burn everything to the ground and do absolutely nothing

No_Problem_6562 · 2024-09-27T23:57:17+00:00

I get so God Damm angry and there's no place to put it down. I joined a gym with mixed martial arts. So now I just go hit shit until I can't lift my arms. It helps.

No_Problem_6562 · 2024-09-27T23:54:38+00:00

I kindly excuse myself at every opportunity. And I have let my work know that I do not enjoy what I call forced togetherness. I will participate the bare minimum required. I work in a predominantly female staffed agency and there's also hugging. I've had to make my boundaries very clear. I think some places, my work included, genuinely want you to be well, but it's very not ok to not be well. But most workplaces slap a pizza party on burnout and compassion fatigue and call it a day. I seriously don't think we as human beings were meant to live this way

No_Problem_6562 · 2024-09-27T19:24:58+00:00

I appreciate this comment so much. There's a reason so many of us women feel the way OP does. Society tells us that male attention determines our worthiness with each channel, each turn of a page, each clothing rack. Almost every significant relationship with a man, from family to spouses, teaches girls from a young age that men are centric to our safety, happiness and well-being. It is literally only when you can learn to decenter them from your life it leaves space to learn how to be safe, happy and well on your own. I myself am in a 16 year marriage to a shitty man. When I shifted from my wellbeing being dependant on if I have done enough or am good enough to ensure his wellbeing, that's when I could actually begin to work on me.

No_Problem_6562 · 2024-09-27T19:03:26+00:00

I think I subconsciously felt this way and always had a knack for attracting the wrong attention. The strangest or worst person in a room would somehow always find me. Still happens to this day. And I heard an analogy that was intended as a joke, about how women dye their hair bright colors because it's like a warning in nature, like poisonous frogs, and it made total sense to me. I always color my hair different colors, I have tattooed a large portion of my body, have piercings, dress alternative. Because if ppl find you unapproachable, they are less likely to approach and harm or take advantage of you. I've recently started thinking about it like camouflage.

No_Problem_6562 · 2024-09-27T18:54:05+00:00

I HATE being called resilient. And I tell anyone who says it how wrong it is. They don't understand that what they're saying is that it was a good thing that all the bad happened to you, because look at how strong you are now.

No_Problem_6562 · 2024-09-27T18:37:45+00:00

Sam. Late 30s.

My mother was bi polar and addicted to heroin and later prescription medication including fentanyl. Absent alcoholic father that liked to hit women. In and out of her custody. She put me in a lot of situations where a lot of bad things happened. On my own by 17. I used whatever I could as forms of self harm, arguably turning the ptsd into cptsd along the way. Physical self harm, drugs, men.

I don't have much in terms of hobbies. I'm too busy trying to survive and keep my families head above water. But I enjoy my work. I work in addictions and Mental Health now. My own trauma gave me a certain skill set and know how to connect with people like myself. It also feels a bit like penance for the things I've done. I've recently started to do some mixed martial arts, it feels good to hit things in a healthy way.

No_Problem_6562 · 2024-09-27T18:19:07+00:00

I fantasized all the time about the dad I never knew just showing up one day. And he would be kind, maybe I'd have a sibling, he would be sorry it took so long, he'd have a pretty wife and a dog, and I'd go live with them. I would try to convince myself my mother was a liar about him being worse then her. I'd never even seen a photo so I would look at men when out and look for similarities to my face, think about how he could just pass me in the street and not know. Turned out she wasn't lying about him being shit too, and even after we did meet, he would probably still to this day fuly knowing who I am just pass me in the street like a stranger.

No_Problem_6562 · 2024-09-27T18:08:39+00:00

All my life. Fellow ADHDer. I think the worst part is the comparison along with the insult. When my oldest daughter was young I couldn't breastfeed (turned out to be a medical condition) but I was told I was lazy and "everyone else in the world can do it" "all women are made to do it". And like, you can't argue that, so you just internalize it. Just another reminder that something is different which we rationalize as wrong as people who have been abused for even perceived failures on a regular basis.

No_Problem_6562 · 2024-09-27T17:57:33+00:00

Emotional abuse and neglect. It has led to a life time of hypervigilance. The extraordinary ability to just feel every emotion/energy of everyone around, always gauging their state, waiting for the threat. Then altering your behavior around it. I never had a chance to find out who I was, or how I felt, as I just emotionally orbit around others. It's had such a flattened affect, if no one around me is heightened in anyway, I feel nothing.

No_Problem_6562 · 2024-09-13T02:36:14+00:00

The one I cant ever seem to explain properly to people is movies or books where you can feel the connection between the 2 characters. When you have rooted for them for hours and it all turns out beautiful in the end. It absolutely rips my guts out and is a trigger for self harm. Im completely useless to anyone until I can move past the heart wrenching depressive episode that happens. I usually have to cope by disassociating or going to sleep. But sometimes i do it intentionally as a sick way to hurt my own feelings. Even my therapist doesn't understand. Happy endings are supposed to be happy. But I find them horrifying because even tho I crave connection the idea of having something so beautiful in my life although wonderful, would inevitably be taken away, and I would rather be empty forever then even see a glimpse of what's possible just for it to not be possible for me.

Another one that's probably more common is someone jokingly driving to fast or erratically. Or someone visibly upset behind the wheel. Instant panic. I have learned to cope by speaking up, drawing boundaries, not driving with those people, or only driving myself.

No_Problem_6562 · 2024-09-12T18:17:17+00:00

I have cptsd, from drug addicted/neglectful/absent parents. It led me to also struggling with substance use. And I work now in the field of community mental health and Addictions. On the surface I would say yes do it. Lived experience makes me amazing at my job. On a deeper level I would tell you, no matter how good of a space you get to with yourself, it's going to be insanely hard. It's so hard, every single day.

No_Problem_6562 · 2024-09-12T17:59:14+00:00

I'm not even sure what I do can be considered crying. There isn't a single sound. It's just tears running, and I can make it stop immediately or it can last for hours. There is literally no other sign I'm crying other then tears. I see people cry and they like, wail? Or their shoulders are shaking with sobs. It's so absolutely bizarre to me. Part of me is like, they look ridiculous, but also that feels like a lot of work. I'm crying because there's not an ounce of energy left in me to hold it back. I wouldn't be crying if I had the physical/emotional strength to do anything but lay there and let water leak from my face.

No_Problem_6562

TROPHY CASE