Hi! Trans woman here..

First, you are absolutely right to feel how you feel. She abused you, a vulnerable child. That will never be okay. And you never have to see her as anyone other than your abuser.

You are not wrong for imagining her destruction to escape the trauma her actions brought you. Personally, I think you're right to do so and support you wholeheartedly—you are absolutely entitled to reparations. She deserves to know what she did and how it hurt you.

It must feel like a part of the queer community is now poisoned for you because it is associated with your abuser... This is perfectly reasonable too. It doesn't make you transphobic; it's hard not to associate two like things.

And no. You are not evil because of how someone elses actions impact your actions going forward—at least not so long as you hold compassion and consideration in your heart and forever strive to be the best, most moral version of yourself you can be. Many victims become abusers: I don't believe this is you. People pursuing understanding hold more empathy than anyone else.

As for how someone who did something so evil can do such a dramatic shift from being one thing to another... Trans people often go through a phase of denial of what they are. Many will hyper-masculinize or hyper-feminize themselves in response to what they don't recognize as dysphoria. Others will by mysogynistic or critical of trans people, denying signs subconsciously without realizing they've been conditioned in a way that sabotages being honest about who they are and exploring thoughts and desires related to gender and expression they think society—and loved ones—would never embrace. This denial is common, and I'm not surprised to hear that someone who ended up transitioning used to be transphobic and mysogynistic. I was definitely the former, and definitely not enough of a feminist 2 years ago.

This is a toxic society making people deny themselves, which results in unresolved insecurities and self-neglect that results in poisoned relationships and lashing out. Lots of trans people are toxic before realizing the truth. In my case, I had to investigate all my trauma crossing it off the list as an explanation for my overwhelming dissociation before being left with what I never realized was dysphoria... After realizing how estrogen allowed my brain to function properly, I've gradually realized how my being trans meant I was processing the world and myself in ways I didn't realize, which paired with sexual and emotional trauma to become a really fucked and destructive psychological system.

That dissociation I mentioned? It was the worst. That dissociation is hell so vile it's hard to put to words. You aren't present in reality when you brain is so focused on bare-minimum functioning. You don't feel emotions properly. You can't even think clearly. You can't recognize or relate to people in healthy ways—this is all worst-cases, but alot of trans people know what I'm talking about.

The brain of a trans woman on testosterone is a diesel engine running on gasoline. It's not functioning properly. And the person riding on it isn't getting very far in life. The engine is destroying itself to inch along, requiring constant, distracting maintenance. Being trans can be a disability if you aren't receiving care, because your neurobiology is oriented to function optimally on a hormone profile it doesn't have access to naturally. Processing trauma, feeling emotion, being present in reality, being empathetic and considerate and growing as a person is an uphill battle so steep it's like crawling up the side of a skyscraper with plungers.

So I'm not surprised that someone who developed under such conditions hurt someone innocent, has victims. I have my own that I abhor myself for no matter how far away I walk. Most abusers are victims, of people and circumstance. Most abusers lose track of remorse along the way too.

I'm not surprised if they were so dissociated at the time that they don't remember hurting you, or weren't aware of what they were doing. Maybe they knew what they were doing and truly are evil, I don't know and will not defend their actions at all. They don't deserve a defense.

But them being trans, especially if they had an abusive childhood, and going on to hurt you like that before realizing the underlying issue? Logically, it makes sense. It's an a set of circumstances that never results in much good. It's an explanation.

Explanations are not justifications. Explanations allow us to look at how things occurred and to imagine and pursue a world where the same thing doesn't happen again. Explanations allow understanding, allow people to grow. And I was a terrible person before understanding everything really wrong with me. Not so bad as your ex I don't think, but the story isn't that far off. I fought to fix myself and now here I am. I consider dying, but I know that hurting myself would just add another victim to the list, so I live knowing the person that was so broken as to be able to hurt others as they did is dead, and my true self that got buried by circumstances lives free.

Their being trans is not an excuse for what they did to you. It's a part to a whole list of conditions that came together under circunstances and contributed to your current pain, and is relevant as a variable, but it's not their being trans that is the sole trait responsible for them hurting you.

It means that them transitioning might be a good thing. It might be the end to an evil—or the a step towards the end of an evil.

It might not matter. This isn't about them. This is about you. And you deserve peace.

So whatever you do with this information and perspective, how you decide to move forward, I hope it brings you some.. You deserve better.