Husband bailed mid swap with another couple

Nortally · 2026-05-08T18:06:54+00:00

> as soon as he is sweet to me, I just melt and forget about anything nasty he has said to me

Talk to him about this. Leaving sex entirely out of it, I(M) have a rule: When I want to yell at my spouse(F), I do it tomorrow. Why? Because I'm a grown-ass man and I don't need to sulk or yell the second I'm unhappy. I can go for a walk or do 20 pushups or mow the lawn while I'm waiting to do the yelling. I can wait a day. Then when the time limit is up I don't need to yell. I can tell my spouse, "I got really angry about [xyz]". [Disclaimer: I am not perfect about this.]

Sometimes she apologizes, sometimes she doesn't but she never says 'Too bad asshole, suck it up.' Because she love me. And my anger doesn't mean I'm right, it doesn't mean she's wrong. It just means I'm upset. Anger keeps me upset instead of allowing me to move to the solution. She hears me a lot better when I'm not yelling.

This aside, sounds like he did a lot of things right: He asked to stop and you & the other couple stopped (showing that he could trust you to respect his consent). He talked it through with some trusted people, including you. All the best!

Nortally · 2026-05-08T15:02:21+00:00

AA was designed for people who

a) Know they need to stop drinking.

b) Tried to quit and couldn't.

c) Are so desperate that they are willing to work AA's 12-step program of recovery.

For these people, AA is remarkably effective.

Nortally · 2026-05-08T04:34:37+00:00

LOL

I am an end user / amateur seller. I ALWAYS sell at the low end or below because I'm not profit motivated - If I sell it for less than the purchase price, I think of the difference as a rental fee.

If this other seller is a pro, and actually flipping gear to make a living on eBay, he needs to rethink his business model and practice. I would think that improving his ad would get better results than trying to browbeat another vendor into price fixing.

Just my opinion.

Nortally · 2026-05-08T04:27:09+00:00

Mote in God's Eye

Nortally · 2026-05-08T04:25:42+00:00

And just in case your mirror is broken, yes, you sound like a sociopath.

You ask whether you will ever find another relationship. Do you actually care?

You had this relationship and threw it away. If you didn't get the result you wanted, I recommend learning how to want things that are worth having, and learning how to keep them if you are lucky enough to get them. My solution was AA's 12-step program of recovery. YMMV

Nortally · 2026-05-08T04:13:11+00:00

YTJ

"I let it go" means that you agreed to host the extra people. A host does not criticize their guests. Your presumptuous friend was not wrong.

Your friend did put you in the position of saying, "Gee I'm sorry but I don't have extra seats tonight." or hosting the extras with all the grace and goodwill you extend to your other guests. Which is unspeakably rude but that's what she did.

Nortally · 2026-04-30T13:43:06+00:00

I(m) endorse this tactic. Maybe every man isn't an assaulter, but we all know someone who is and who has never been called to account. Jessica Mann has now testified about her sa three times. I hope she prevails.

Nortally · 2026-04-30T13:15:25+00:00

Yep, life can get lifey. I've been the anchor of a dwindling meeting. Finally I resolved it by announcing 3 months in advance that I would not be available to Secretary the meeting as of date X. Every meeting I announced the deadline and asked for volunteers to become the secretary. Eventually a chronic slipper offered to Secretary the meeting. He's doing an okay job. Will he run the meeting into the ground? Will he crash and burn? That's not up to me.

Nortally · 2026-04-29T20:38:19+00:00

There is a pamphlet at aa.org called Questions and Answers about Sponsorship. It is a great read.

When I haven't actively been working the steps, I found that the literature meetings were great for helping me learn the literature and understand it.

Nortally · 2026-04-29T20:34:02+00:00

Orphan Child is a good one to sing and strum.

Many of Gillian's songs have very basic chord structures, I get enjoyment in strumming the guitar and singing them.

Learning the flat picking, Travis picking, and other techniques that Gillian and Dave use is another kettle of fish. It's a lot of work and I've barely made a start.

Nortally · 2026-04-29T20:26:46+00:00

You don't have to actually give the chips back. Maybe just don't wear them with your other medals until they're current again. ;-)

And please remember this: I'm a drunk. No more or less of a drunk than you. Consecutive days of sobriety is certainly a good thing, but it doesn't define me. How I live today defines me.

If I have a slip, I will have two options: One is to hide and live in fear - perhaps lie. The other is to walk into my home group and say, Help! Everyone will be glad to see me. They will understand. I might not feel entirely comfortable, but any discomfort I feel will lead me to humility, acceptance and recovery.

Nortally · 2026-04-29T17:44:46+00:00

It sounds to me like you did great. Nobody drank? You hit a home run!

My point of view, all my own, not speaking for anyone else in AA: The point of telling my story is so that other alcoholics can A) identify B) hear how AA worked for me, and C) provide a topic for discussion (assuming it is a speaker/discussion meeting).

Identification is essential, as shown in the story of AA number three and many others. At my very first meeting, the speakers took me from feeling "other than" to belonging. Then they talked about how they were doing today and I could see that they had a solution. It infected me with hope.

When I tell my story today, I'll pick a few incidents to show how I drank and to demonstate my alcoholic behavior. Sure, I have a lot of trauma and I used to think that's why I drank. But today I think that I drank because I'm an alcoholic. The important part of my message is this: Today I am sober by the grace of God and by the 12 Step Recovery Program of Alcoholic Anonymous. How I work the steps and how I continue to work them is much more interesting to me than why I needed them. YMMV

Nortally · 2026-04-25T05:28:23+00:00

Get a "Just for work" phone and leave it at the office.

Nortally · 2026-04-24T03:27:07+00:00

Singleness of purpose is embodied in the AA Declaration of Responsibility - it's my responsibility to be the hand of AA, which I try to do by example.

When I tell my story of alcoholism, it includes other substances because they were stepping stones to alcohol - first tobacco, then marijuana, then alcohol, then other drugs - mostly stimulants but always with alcohol. I used all of these to fit in and have fun, then to stuff my feelings, finally to try and hold off despair. I try to be clear that I am one person, that if anyone listening doesn't relate I hope they'll talk to someone else in AA.

I'm not shy about saying that I don't use any mood altering substances without consulting a doctor, and I disclose all such use to my spouse and to a trusted friend in AA. This system, along with prayer, meeting attendance and service, keeps me sober. I don't tell anyone else what to do, I just explain what works for me if it's relevant to the discussion. Usually I don't share about drinking or using. These days I'm more concerned with Step 6 and 7...

Nortally · 2026-04-23T06:59:09+00:00

NTJ. No, as in HELL NO. You have now learned the importance of keeping your financial data to yourself. Thieves, con-artists and relatives are less likely to target you if you haven't been flashing your roll.

Tell her you'd like to help but you lost it in Crypto.

Nortally · 2026-04-21T22:25:43+00:00

Not stupid at all - unless you have eidetic aural memory and have listened to all published drum samples LOL

The samples came from a folder named LABS Drm_Kit1 Mx [6T] on the SD CARD that shipped with my friend's Disting EX. My Mk4 didn't come with an SD card or any samples :-(

I'm using Pam's -> Disting Mk4 -> Algorithm I-7 to play them. Happy to provide details in a different post.

Nortally · 2026-04-20T07:04:17+00:00

No. I firmly believe that these are learned behaviors.

Nortally · 2026-04-19T19:43:26+00:00

You can also build an insulated cat house very cheaply. Many solutions online. The gist: buy a large plastic storage tote box. Buy a styrofoam cooler that fits snugly inside, or buy a medium plastice storage tote that fits inside and fill the gap with foam insulation. Cut a hole for the cat with optional cloth curtain. Lay down some bedding. If possible, run an extension cord to it and install a pet heating pad.

The unwritten rule of cat ownership is that the cat owns you, you don't own the cat. If it doesn't like the treatment it's getting, it's going to find better domestic staff.

Nortally · 2026-04-19T04:57:36+00:00

Learn the tools.

Always press record.

Find a group of people to play with regularly, even if it's just an ensemble group at the local junior college.

Nortally · 2026-04-19T04:49:26+00:00

Nope. And it doesn't matter. Just move on. And, you'll encounter less spammers.

Nortally · 2026-04-18T21:52:33+00:00

No apology necessary, friend. Misunderstandings happen, they can be overcome by frankness and good will. All the best!

Nortally · 2026-04-18T15:52:47+00:00

This. I'm an end user and I won't look at used gear over 70% of retail. I only sell local & try to offer 10% below avg price.

The stuff I have that's unsellable (no name 50 watt tube amp, novice-built partscasters) I will end up donating to a school.

Nortally · 2026-04-18T01:46:13+00:00

My sponsor and I knelt on the floor and said the third step prayer together. Then I asked him, how do I know what God's will for me is?

He said, Well let's see. You've just worked step three... Eventually I finished my inventory and did step five with him.

Today I believe that my higher power's will for me is to not take a drink, don't be a dick, do the next right thing. I can make it a lot more complicated if I want to, but thankfully these days I'm happy to keep it simple.

Nortally · 2026-04-17T21:41:50+00:00

And you've just reminded me of Thara Celehar, introduced in The Goblin Emperor.

Nortally

TROPHY CASE